DO’S AND DON’TS – a husband’s guide

More than once a husband has emailed asking the question,

“How do I help my wife to have a sexual awakening?”

We probably ought to start by talking about how I would define a sexual awakening.

SEXUAL AWAKENING

waking up to God’s truth and design for sex within marriage that leads to a freedom and desire to live in that fullness.

As with anything, you cannot change your spouse, but you can strive to be a positive influence in their life. The best thing you can do is love your wife as Christ loved the church – that mean selflessly, unconditionally, sacrificially. It is not a small challenge, but it is what God called you to do. If you are man enough to take that on – than continue reading because here are some ways to help your wife combat the stereotypes and messages that she may believe about men or sex.

do's and don'ts

Don’t make your wife feel like sex is just a physical need and say things like, “I need sex.” It plays into the lie that our husbands don’t love us, they just want sex for a release.
Do spend some time thinking about how sex makes you feel connected to your wife emotionally and spiritually and communicate it to your wife on a regular basis to help her believe that sex is more than fulfilling your physical needs. Do say things like, “I miss you”, or “I want to love you”.

Don’t do things for your wife so that you might get lucky. She will begin to feel like you are bartering or paying for sex, and ultimately feel like a prostitute.
Do love your wife all the time, whether you have sex or not. Serve her, talk to her, and touch her. This in itself is important, but it also has the added benefit of possibly lightening her load so that she has extra energy to put toward intimacy.

Don’t just touch your wife when you want to have sex. She will begin to avoid touching you because she will be afraid it will lead you on.
Do hold her hand, rub her feet, give her back rubs and hold her in bed with no expectations other than loving her. Non-sexual touch with no expectations is what women often say helps get them in the mood.

Don’t ignore your wife all night because you are tired and want to watch tv or play on the computer or phone.
Do turn off the screens. Do wash the dishes for her. Do send her to take a bath. Do look in her eyes. Do play together, read together, talk, or go to bed early.

Don’t think that you know everything about your wife sexually. Just because it worked once doesn’t mean it will work next time. We are super complicated and ultimately feel loved when you want to get to know us.
Do spend a lifetime studying your wife and asking to learn new things about her. The best lover is the man that is always eager to learn something new.

Don’t go from completely disconnected with your wife to thinking you can have a quickie before you conk out to sleep.
Do plan ahead and romance your wife by doing simple things to let her know you love her. Do plan times to have sex when she is not tired and when you have enough time to really please her.

Don’t stop telling her she is beautiful because she never believes you.
Do constantly tell her she is beautiful from your heart and affirm her if she takes small steps to share her body – it is one of the most vulnerable things that she will do.

Don’t expect your wife to want sex when she is dead tired.
Do recognize how hard she works and give her the break and rest that she needs to recharge. Be realistic about what life stage your wife is in and don’t expect that a young mom with a house full of kids will have the energy to connect whenever you want.

Don’t let past porn define what sex looks like. Sex in porn is not what works for a woman and it has nothing to do with intimacy.
Do ask God to erase every one of the images you have seen. Do spend time educating yourself about what works for a woman. You can start with my husband guides. Do focus on getting to know each other during sex – that means slowing down enough to feel each other, see each other with your eyes, use your words and hear each other.

Don’t leave God on the other side of the bedroom door. It reinforces the lie that God might have created sex, but He doesn’t really want to see what we are doing.
Do make God part of your marriage bed by reading the Bible in bed out loud to your wife… maybe just a psalm or a passage of Song of Songs. Do pray out loud with your wife in bed. Do pray about sex, ask Him for what you need, and praise Him for the amazing things that happen.

Don’t depend on your wife or sex for your worth.
Do look to God and God’s word for the truth about the man that He created you to be. Regardless of whether your wife has sex with you, God calls you to love her, and to love her well. That means you look for ways to help her and serve her. You see how tired she is and offer her time to recharge. You touch her, listen to her, look into her eyes, you forgive her as many times as it takes and you ask for God’s help to do it – because there is no way you can do it on your own.

Don’t make her awakening about sex. It is more about her relationship with God – understanding His goodness for her and the freedom that He wants her to live in.
Do model an intimate relationship with God and if you don’t have one, then go after it. Do worship passionately, share vulnerably, and create a safe place for your wife to open up. Do give your wife time and opportunities to intimately connect with God. Do pray for your wife to know Him intimately and to live in the freedom that He intends. Do pray over your wife when she is battling insecurities. Do release the control over your wife, extend grace and let God do His work.

Ruth Buezis

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