It wasn’t always this way… in fact it used to be quite the opposite. I used to be able to shrug off my husbands advances with no regard for his feelings or needs. Surely sex was just this physical urge that would go away if I didn’t encourage him. Surely he could see how tired I was from managing a house, driving kids, fixing meals, and doing laundry. Sex was not even on my radar until those once or twice a month hormonal urges that got my engine running, and then it was once and done.
Sometimes I look back and wish that my husband had not been quite so understanding. Sometimes I wish he had shaken me and said ” don’t you realize what we are missing out on?” My husband is the most considerate and loving man you will ever find and he figured out on his own that he had to carefully guard his eyes so that he could control his drive. He chose to love me even when I was not loving him very well, and quite honestly, I feel terrible about it. I feel terrible about how it must have felt for him when I rolled over in bed because the gate was closed. I feel terrible about always being in a hurry to get out of bed because I had something on my “to do list”. I feel terrible about the missed opportunities to connect with each other and really get to know each other in a way that happens only during sex.
These last few years my husband and I have switched roles, and for whatever reason, I now have the higher sex drive. Let me tell you, it comes with it’s own challenges and I now understand much better what my husband went through all those years. We have this crazy cycle that we seem to repeat over and over, and here is how it goes….
For a while, I’ll feel good about the two of us and we both feel free to initiate when we want, and sex is great.
And then…. a little worm gets in my head, and I think why doesn’t he initiate more? Doesn’t he want me? Why doesn’t he ever make plans for us or read a book about sex? Maybe he doesn’t think I’m attractive. I wish he was crazy about me and couldn’t keep his hands off of me. I just won’t initiate anymore. I will wait until he really wants me….
Of course… as I pull back, he thinks something is wrong. He thinks he did something wrong, or that I need some space or that I don’t want sex….
The longer it goes, the grumpier I get. Without that physical connection between us, I start getting short fused and prickly. I feel more and more hurt and pull away more and more, even though what I really want is to have him wrap me up in his arms.
By the time things finally come to a head, I can hardly stand to have him touch me. And when he does finally initiate sex, (maybe a whole 3 days later) I am convinced that he is just doing it, because I want it. “I don’t want pity sex, I just want you to want me!” I cry. I put him through the wringer, and he patiently puts up with my craziness while slowly getting me to open back up.
And then… we have crazy, hot make up sex.
I’m working on my craziness, but really I share this with you insight into the challenges that the higher drive spouse faces.
Wanting to feel wanted
Feeling like sex happens just out of pity
It is all part of negotiating this thing called marriage and learning to understand and care about each other. God gave us this crazy thing called sex to connect, but that does not mean it is all smooth sailing. It is when we work through the hard stuff that we know each other better.
Your mission this week – if you are the higher drive spouse… in a loving way, share with your spouse some of the challenges that you face and your hopes and dreams for the two of you. If you are the lower drive spouse, ask your spouse to share some of the challenges that they face and hear them. Talk about some ways that you can love each other better and then, have some great sex!