Rubbing vs Feeling – Manual Stimulation

hands-reachingOne of the MOST important concepts that I teach in my men’s class “How to love your Wife” is the difference between “rubbing and feeling”.  In order to illustrate my point, I have the men put a little coconut oil on their wrist, and then I ask them to “rub” their wrists. Being the task oriented men that they are, they get right at it, rubbing their wrists with focused vigor. After a few minutes, I stop them from rubbing and ask them to now “feel” their wrists. Their movements are instantly reduced to a slow, sensuous movement while their mind maps the terrain and response.  Next we spend time exploring ways to feel not just the skin covering the wrist, but what is under the skin by using movements that eliminate the distraction of skin to skin friction. Finally we process what is different between “rubbing and feeling”, and a giant light bulb goes on.

When our husbands pleasure us with their hands, the last thing we want is to have them rub us, and trust me, we can tell when they are just rubbing us. One of the reasons God created sex is so that we might “know” each other. When we slow down enough to actually feel –  the skin and even what is under the skin – we “know each other”.  When we are so in tune to our spouses body that we sense if they are enjoying the path we are taking, “we know each other”. When we can tell where they are going, even before they do, “we know each other”.


Our husband’s hands are a wonderful way to experience orgasm and what follows is a list of tips for manual stimulation. Read them and see if they make sense.

  1. Focus on feeling not rubbing – slow down, try to feel her and begin to map her terrain
  2. Use lubrication – everything should feel silky smooth
  3. Use connected movement –  finger pads should never lose connection to her skin
  4. Get to know her visually – learn your wife’s terrain, there is so much more than just the magic button
  5. Demonstration – ask your wife for a demonstration and really study what she does, you will be amazed at how much you learn
  6. Positions – create variety by using different positions
  7. One, two, three fingers or more – very different sensations are created depending on how many fingers are used
  8. The Tease – make her body beg for it before you go for the gold
  9. Rhythms – create expectation by setting up patterns
  10. Create Direction – there should be a general ramp up of stimulation, pressure and pace so that your wife knows that you are taking her somewhere
  11. Triggers – save nipples or other triggers as your “push to pass”
  12. Take her somewhere – Lead with confidence as you “know” your wife more and more and take her where you want her to go.



Do these concepts make sense to you? Are there other things that are important to you? Can you talk about these things with your husband and explain them?

When we know that our husbands are “feeling” us, we can open up to their touch and trust them to take us some place. There is something amazing about your husband” knowing” your body so well that his hands recognize the subtle changes in your body leading up to orgasm. What a thrill when your husband feels the pulsing of release as you go over the edge.

Comments 1

  1. Excellent advice and teaching. I would hope that the men reading with learn, but also that the wives reading become capable and desirous of doing 4,5 and 6 to make that possible. I find it amazing that YOU can teach to men. I don’t see our church allowing me to teach to women, even with a woman facilitating. I am not saying a woman cannot teach women about men’s attitudes toward sex, but she can only teach what she has been taught. If she is questioned about something she has no knowledge of, the best she can do is draw an “informed” conclusion, just as me teaching men about women. I would want to have a woman present.

Join the Conversation by Leaving a Comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.