Two Way Street

two-way-street-arrows-roadThe other night my husband and I had an awesome time connecting. I had gotten him to open up about a fun scenario that he found particularly enticing, and so naturally my wheels started turning. Really it wasn’t anything that took much planning.  It was just catching hold of the small nuances that would take him back to that place we talked about. You know things like lighting, sleepwear, positions, ATTITUDE…But he knew that I had heard him, and he knew exactly where I was taking him. It was a great night!

The next morning I woke up feeling absolutely naked – like the skin had been stripped off of me – naked. It was as if I had been in a show and poured myself out and there was nothing left. It was like when I started teaching my classes on sex, and shared so much of myself, that I felt absolutely vulnerable and attacked afterwards. I was raw.

My husband immediately could tell something was up. He has gotten so much better at moving toward me when I am hurting, and it didn’t take very long to open in conversation to him.

My head was spinning… why do we have to be the ones that dress up, how come men never have to? Why do we have to be the ones to explain what we need? Why do we always have to plan things?

I am not sure our husbands realize just what a vulnerable thing it is to put on lingerie, share our bodies, or take them somewhere. I love doing it, and I enjoy every minute, but sometimes I feel so vulnerable afterward.

Now you could think that Satan attacked me or that I am on a pity rant and that might be true.  But truthfully, I do want my husband to put himself out there for me. I want him to stretch himself in areas that I desire even when it is uncomfortable and may not be who he naturally is. For example… words…sharing his words to arouse me may not come naturally. You know what?  Wearing lingerie may not come naturally, but I do it because I love him and in the end, I enjoy it too.

You need to know that I am married to a wonderful man, and we have both grown so much in the last few years. But I don’t think we ever arrive. We stretch each other as we allow ourselves to be known more, and desire more intimacy.

So as we become one, I stretch and groan and get to experience new delights as I strive to love him well. And in return, I ask that he stretches and groans as he gets to experience some new delights. Marriage is a 2 way street. Sex is a 2 way street. We are in this together and it never gets boring.

Don’t give up because it sometimes gets hard. Push through together and experience all that God has for you.

Comments 0

  1. Thank you as always for your powerful posts. I am trying to be encouraging to my husband to have him share things that will bring a little more excitement to the bedroom, but at times feel it is simply the same old story. Reading your posts and taking your class has helped me know of different ways to do this. Thank you again for being brave enough to share all of this with others and help us grow as you have.

  2. Thank you. I agree-I wear extremely sexy lingerie on a fairly regular basis, have role played in costume at times, surprised my husband at the door, in a restaurant by telling him I was wearing crotchless panties, found sexy games for us to try, done a strip tease, started every one of our conversations about our sex life, etc–all things that have taken courage (some huge amounts!), a certain amount of “here goes nothing”, and on occasion a glass of wine first 🙂 I’ve asked him to surprise me, open up, get out of his comfort zone, be the one to plan a sexy surprise for me too and he won’t. He just says he’s not comfortable or that’s not him. Well it wasn’t me either but I need adventure and fun. And he never says anything appreciative the next day which would be huge!!! I would be thrilled w anything new he’d surprise me with or try or even if he’d start a conversation about sex. For the most part I accept this but have to work on not getting resentful on occasion. What can I say to make him understand this needs to be a two way street in a way he gets it and gets what I often have to risk??! I love my husband and am thankful for our sex life but he’s got it easy and he’s comfortable.

    • It is tricky, isn’t it?
      I have to constantly remind myself that the absolute best way to influence my husband is encouragement, encouragement, encouragement. Try to encourage your husband in the smallest steps that he takes. You may not even realize what steps he has made until you really think about it. I would also encourage you to ask your husband for very small, specific things that he might be able to do, so that when he does them he can experience how much it means to you. In the meantime, balance doing what he enjoys, with what you enjoy even if you have to plan it.

  3. I love this post, and as a man, it hits home in a few ways. I have specific desires I’d love to experience, things that mean a great deal to me, but in the current scheme of our marriage, we’re not particularly close to ever experiencing those. For me, it’s more about if we’re going to make love at all, but I ache for the day we’re considering things like who is pushing the envelope more. To that end appreciate your post for the hope it provides, as well as your entire blog.

    For us, simply having a conversation about sex would be a great start, but we’re still not there yet, even. Still, though, despite existing in what is a nearly sexless marriage, I do think about issues such as this a lot – my advice would be similar to yours, Ruth — encourage, encourage, encourage…what your spouse might be feeling or wanting could be deeply meaningful to them and lead them to do things that would be meaningful to you.

    What’s interesting is that in many cases, the desire or fantasy or idea a man or woman has are not that kinky at all…they may be as simple as a position or an outfit or a phrase you say during the act of having sex.

    In my case, if I could even get an inkling of the desires I have (which I could count on one hand, really), I would do anything for my wife..anything at all…there are many men like that, by the way…we just are currently in marriages that are sexless.

    • Hopeful Husband,
      Thanks for your comment.
      I love your name. Don’t give up hope, because with God, all things are possible. Be patient. Love your wife however she needs to be loved. Increase intimacy other ways than sex – things like praying together, holding hands, talking about hopes and dreams , reading out loud together. Somehow communicate to your wife in gentle ways how much more sex means than just physical release. Most importantly, pray for your wife- that she would know the truth about God’s desire for your marriage.
      Blessings, Ruth

    • Thanks for the encouragement. Sometimes I feel like I am writing to a black hole, but I figure if it helps me define what I teach in class, than it is serving it’s purpose.

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