In February I speak to a couple of Moms groups about sex in preparation for Valentine’s Day. It has been years since my 4 girls were babies, and much of it seems like a fog. Sex definitely was not at the top of my priority list and I have been thinking about what I wish I had done differently to navigate through baby land.
I remember spending long days at home chasing little kids, wiping noses, reading with a full lap of girls, and rocking babies to sleep. When my husband arrived home, the last thing I wanted was for him to touch me – especially if it might lead to sex. And so I kept my distance from him. I didn’t linger with my kisses, I didn’t cuddle too long before I rolled away from him in bed, and I pushed him away.
I suppose part of my reasoning was to protect my husband. I didn’t want to lead him on and later disappoint him. But what it really did was train my husband to expect sex on the days that I allowed him to touch me. So the pattern began.
Here is the problem – I need all kinds of non-sexual touch throughout the day in order to want sex, and most women do. I need to have my hand held. I need to have him hold me and kiss me. I need back rubs and foot rubs and I need to lie face to face, skin to skin. The more I pushed him away, the less I wanted sex.
I think our husbands miss the non-sexual touch as much as we do. Who else touches your husband besides you? Men say they need sex, but maybe they say that because it is the only time we touch them. Maybe they really just need to be touched.
In my classes I talk about, just like our relationship with God, we are supposed to have an all-day love affair with our husband. For example, there is a huge difference between having a designated prayer time to check off your daily list, and conversing with God all day long.
Sex is not supposed to just be this thing that we do when we get in bed. It is supposed to be an attitude of constant thought, connecting and touching. So how do you break the cycle?
Start by telling your husband that you want to change and you need his help. Ask him to touch you without the expectation that it will lead to sex. It may be back rubs, foot rubs, holding hands, or cuddling in bed.
Reach out to connect with him and touch him throughout the day. When you are stressed, instead of pushing him away, hug him and let your stress melt away. Relax and allow his touch to fill you up. Touch and touch often.
Ask your husband to allow you to sleep nude with him, skin to skin, with no expectations. Be open to your body waking up and experiencing connection. If your husband gets an erection, don’t think that he is not honoring your request of no expectations. Erections are not under his control. Instead feel thrilled that he finds your body arousing.
Touch from your husband should fill you up. It should refresh you and connect you. Have a conversation with your husband, stop the cycle, and begin an all-day love affair today.