IF – The Game Changer

if

During my women’s class Awaken Love , I ask the question, “What gets you in the mood?”

I’ve heard everything from “nothing” to “a glass of wine” to “praying with my husband” to “my husband cleaning the toilet”. There are as many answers as there are women in the world, but there is a common thread I hear over and over that husbands need to understand.

I constantly hear from women, “It gets me in the mood ….

When my husband gives me a back rub – IF  there are no strings attached.”

“When my husband takes me out on a date – IF he is not just looking for sex.”

“If my husband brings home flowers – IF there are no expectations.”

IF…. It is a game changer.

It says, “I am only doing this to get something in return”. “I am only doing this so that I can get sex.” It says “I am not doing this because I love you, but as payment.”

Payment for sex. What does that sound like?

Husbands, you need to think about the times that you love your wife extravagantly. Does it only happen when are expecting the night to end with sex?

Show your wife that you love her and think of her all the time, not just when you want to have sex. Give her lots of nonsexual touch every night, not just the night you initiate. Get home early for dinner and help with the kids every night, not just the nights you want sex. Plan dates, pray for her and love her every day, not just the day you want sex. Remove the pressure and she will begin to believe that you love all of her, not just her body. Remove the “expectation” and love your wife extravagantly all the time, and really get her in the mood.

Comments 0

  1. This is all wonderful advice, but I also would add one more:

    “It kills my desire to do any of these things, when I do any of them, if it never leads to sex…”

    • I cannot imagine how painful this situation is for you. Sometimes you have to do what God calls you to, whether or not you get the response that you want. God calls you to love your wife whether or not she loves you back. You cannot change your wife, you can only become the man that God created you to be. Blessings.

  2. Dear Hopeful husband –
    Hang in there and keep praying for your marriage! I was that kind of wife until taking the Awaken Love class and I honestly didn’t know how much I was hurting my husband and our relationship. I thought he had his priorities all wrong – now I see it was me. My prayer is that God will honor your faithfulness in time.

  3. Hopeful Husband,

    I feel your pain, brother. I struggled with for years: doing the right things for the right reasons with out any reciprocation. It wasn’t until my wife dealt with her past that we had our “ah ha!” moment, and even then, it has been a battle. Hang in there. Don’t stop pursuing your wife; if she is anything like mine, it is your vigilant pursuit that will eventually cause her to open up, tear down the walls, and let you in. Meeting your spouse’s needs when everything is mutual is subconsciously expected; meeting her needs when she can clearly see there is nothing in it for you is what truly ministers to her. Keep planting good seed and you will eventually reap an abundant harvest. God bless!

  4. I would love more non-sexual touch; I am a touchy-feely person, and luckily my husband likes to be cuddled and snuggled, but as he points out, to a man, all touch with a woman is sexual.

    • I would disagree on that point. Perhaps to HIM, all touch from you is sexual, but that’s an unfair generalization to push on to men in general. I am a man, my love language is physical touch, and I often touch my wife without any sexual motives. In fact, I told her just last week that if I had to choose between receiving only sexual affection or non-sexual affection, I would choose the latter. I agree some men who aren’t naturally as touchy or receive love through a different language could view all female touch as sexual. To that same point, I know from experience that some wives who speak a different language can perceive all touch from their husbands as having sexual overtones as well. Neither is a fair generalization though.

      • I am only trying to communicate the way that women feel, not necessarily their husbands intent. And yes, not everything that I write represents every person because we are all different, so take what speaks to you, and leave the rest.

        • My comment was actually directed at the comment above me. I was just stating that I didn’t feel that commenter’s husband’s remarks were particularly accurate. I greatly appreciated your post, and the perspective it provides. I think equally important is the perspective of a husband who may not process things exactly the same way as other men. Just as you hope wives with a different perspective will read your posts and reconsider their approach, I hope my comment will do the same for husbands. But with your permission, I will continue to “take what speaks to me”; though if you would prefer I withhold commenting, I will do so. Just know that no criticism was intended 🙂

          God Bless!

          • Thank you for the opportunity. It was not long ago that I plagued the comments of blogs such as this with my cynicism and negativity. If I can now offer encouragement to a husband who is where I once was, I’ll do so. God bless your ministry!

  5. When a wife feels that sex is a “duty to be performed” it does not matter how much I did non-sexually, she did not understand my needs. Thankfully after ten years of research and open communication we broke through some huge walls for both of us.

    Now we coach couples to lean how to effectively communicate and help each other see what is hiding behind the other spouse’s eyes.

    Each person has to see what God’s design is and work on themself for the best interest of their life-partner.

    Life is fun!

  6. When a wife feels that sex is a “duty to be performed” it does not matter how much I did non-sexually, she did not understand my needs. Thankfully after ten years of research and open communication we broke through some huge walls for both of us.

    Now we coach couples to lean how to effectively communicate and help each other see what is hiding behind the other spouse’s eyes.

    Each person has to see what God’s design is and work on themself for the best interest of their life-partner.

    Life is fun!

Join the Conversation by Leaving a Comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.