One of the things that made the biggest difference in my ability to enjoy intercourse was my mind. Women hear that the mind is our biggest sex organ and most of us agree. How many of us put that reality to use, and transform our sexual experiences by engaging our mind?
It is not uncommon to hear young brides express their confusion when the one thing that they have so carefully guarded, intercourse, does absolutely nothing for them. Some have masturbated and know the pleasure of orgasm and expect that intercourse will be the most magical experience. Instead they are left feeling confused and disillusioned.
I remember my young husband asking after intercourse, “Did you feel anything?”, and thinking to myself, “Not really”. It’s not that intercourse felt painful, it just literally did not feel like anything. Eventually I believed this was just how it was going to be. We practiced the “she comes first” mantra and for years it worked for us.
So what changed?
Although this article could be helpful for anyone, it is part of a series “How to have an orgasm during intercourse”. If you are working towards that goal, please make sure that you read my previous articles The Big Question, His and Her Kegels, Talk about What?, Flexibility Training, Different Pathways, and The Man Factor
Knowledge is powerful, and the internet is an amazing resource. Reading testimonies of other women gave me the courage to hope and to believe that pleasurable intercourse was possible. When we believe it is possible, we actually have a chance.
One of the first steps that I took was to discard all my preconceived ideas of what intercourse looks like. Whether we realize it or not we tend to model intercourse after how it is portrayed in media. For centuries, sex has largely been defined by men and by what works for men. The skin to skin friction of thrusting the penis in and out of the vagina provides great stimulation for men, but does absolutely nothing for most women. Wipe out any ideas that you have in your head of what intercourse should look like. Start with a clean slate and go on a journey of discovering what does feel good.
Explore Pleasure Spots
Spend some time exploring with your husband what feels good during intercourse. Have your husband enter you and then both of you lay still. Can you feel his penis inside of you? Can he feel your vagina? Squeeze your husband’s shaft with your kegel muscles. What does it feel like? Have your husband position himself so that the head of his penis is barely in your vagina. How does it feel? How about a little deeper? How about angled toward you front wall? What does it feel like when his body is pressed completely against yours? Can you feel pressure on your clitoris? Experiment with different movements and tempos of movement. Stay connected by maintaining eye contact and focusing on feeling him.
Spend time dreaming and visualizing what would feel good during intercourse. What spots would he hit with his penis? How fast would he move? How would you move? What would his body feel like? How would he hold you? How would things ramp up as you accelerated toward climax? What would it feel like when you came? Imagine pleasure and even orgasm happening.
Create positive experiences with your husband’s penis. Lubricate yourself, straddle him and use the head of his penis to stimulate your clitoris or vulva. Enjoy the stimulation even to the point of orgasm if you want. Or have him stimulate your clitoris and inner lips by moving his penis across you. The point is to begin to associate pleasure with his penis.
On my own journey, I sometimes felt like I was trying so hard to have an orgasm during intercourse, that I had both hands clenched and an iron jaw. Failure and disappointment resulted in me bursting into tears as I curled into a ball.
Let Go and Let God
What finally made a difference for me was letting go of the control. I prayed with my husband and told God that it was up to Him. I told God I was going to be thankful for every new experience I enjoyed with my husband, and that if I never experienced an orgasm during intercourse, I was good. With a plan B in place, we stopped worrying about orgasm, and started enjoying what was happening.
Sex is this weird balance between relaxing and enjoying the ride, while feeling and chasing after our desires. Our mind is our most powerful sex organ. Slow things down, feel him, explore and map good sensations, fill your mind with expectations, and enjoy the journey. It is all good.
Coming next week – Positions and Movement