Women have this giant toggle switch and if it is turned “OFF” you will get absolutely nowhere. You might touch her exactly the right way, or say the perfect things, but her body does not respond – she is like ice. Sometimes the switch will turn to “OFF” when she feels insecure about whether you really love her and she may test you. If you pass the test this switch can flip to the “ON” position, and in an instant she can open up. So what does a woman need to feel to have her switch turned “ON”?
A woman must feel safe in her marriage bed. One small comment, or even silence when she opens up or expresses her desires, can make her shrink back like a sea anemone. Watch for opportunities to notice how she is stretching and affirm her with enthusiasm. Never share what goes on in your marriage bed – even small comments or jokes about her lower drive – can feel like she has been stabbed in the back. Physically, take small steps to make your wife feel safe. If your beard feels like 60 grit sandpaper on her sensitive skin, then on nights you want to pleasure her with your mouth, come to bed clean shaven. If you want to touch her most intimate parts, do your best to keep your hands clean, manicured and soft. (tip – use coconut oil on a regular basis to soften your hands) Some women are sensitive to smells. Do you care enough about her to hop in the shower before sex? If you want your wife to open up, then your marriage bed needs to be a place that she feels absolutely safe.
Women are masters of multi-tasking and handling all the little details during the day, but most are terrible at shutting off their brain to engage in the single focus of “becoming one”. Unlike you, she may be laying there during sex thinking about the next load of laundry that needs to be changed. Help your wife transition from “mom extraordinaire” or “career woman” to THE MOST DESIRABLE WOMAN ON THE PLANET. Offer to let her relax with a transition zone – maybe a bath, a walk, some time to read a book, whatever she wants – with no expectations other than to love her. Give her a massage to relax her body with no expectations. Help her download her brain by listening to her talk through the details of the day, or the next days tasks. Help her make a list of what is rattling around in her brain so she can give you her undivided attention.
If your wife only feels loved on days you hope to get lucky, or even worse the hour before sex, then she will begin to feel used. One of the simplest and most practical books on marriage is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Read it with your wife and learn how to love her more effectively while she learns how to love you. Love her by holding her hand, stroking her arm, touching her gently, or simply holding her when she has had a bad day. Love her by turning off the screen and giving her your undivided attention. Talk, play a game, go for a walk or look at photos of great memories together. Make your wife feel loved 365 days a year.
God created sex to know each other and your wife wants you to know her. She wants you to be so intrigued by her body and amazed at the many different ways that it works. Men typically have this attitude “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it“. What they many not realize is that just because it works, does not mean that you are experiencing all there is to enjoy. Your wife’s body is so complicated, but it is also capable of so much. Enjoy discovering new things about your wife every time you have sex. In order to know each other during sex, you must be present, enjoying all of your 5 senses and not worrying about getting from point A to point B.
Sometimes wives will test whether you are really there during sex by shutting down her body to something that she has enjoyed in the past. If you don’t notice and continue to go through your routine regardless of how she responds she will think to herself, “He doesn’t even see me. He is not really here. He is just going on without me.” If you notice when her body shuts down and try another path, she will think to herself, “He noticed. He felt me. He is really here.” Even though you cannot read your wife’s mind, you can learn to read her body. Don’t just rub her, but truly feel her and get to know her and react to how she reacts, whether it is negatively or positively.
Feeling beautiful is one of the hardest things for a woman and yet one of her greatest desires. In those moments when she truly feels beautiful, she will have the confidence to share her body in ways that will drive you crazy. God’s design – so amazing. So how do you help your wife feel beautiful? Ultimately, she must believe that God created her absolutely perfect, unique and with a special God ordained purpose. Constantly point your wife to God and how much He loves her, no matter what her past, what she has done, or how she struggles. God’s love is not conditional and He does not make any junk, you are His design. Men, keep your eyes pure so that your God given visual lust is completely satisfied by feasting on your wife. Tell her with your words how beautiful she is. Show her with your eyes how she makes your heart beat. Affirm her beauty inside and out, even when she does not believe it herself. This is a battle we are in.
As your wife gains confidence and you build trust together, one of the most important things that will turn on your wife’s switch is to feel wanted. She gets to a point where she no longer wants you to ask, “do you want to?” but she trusts your choice and she wants you to act on it. Let me give you a couple of examples…. If you desire to pleasure your wife with oral sex and she thinks that you are doing it just so that you can have an orgasm, she may turn off her switch. You see, she doesn’t want you to do it because it will bring her orgasm to orgasm, but she wants you to do it because you love doing it. Similarly, if you are try to arouse your wife in a way that you think will bring her pleasure, she may shut down her switch. Your wife wants you to touch her because you love touching her and you can’t keep your hands off of her, not because you think she will like it. This whole “wanting to be taken” phenomenon is our romantic notion that if we go out on a hot date, and seduce your eyes, when you finally get home, you won’t be able to help but firmly hold us, passionately kiss us and “take us”. You want us so much – you can’t help yourself. Realistic or not, as we mature and trust you, that is what our heart desires.
I realize this whole switch thing is totally unfair. I suppose we use it as a from of protection because, sex is that vulnerable for us. We use it to reassure ourselves that you really do love us. Will you give up on us or will you stick with us and pull us out of the muck. I think we also use the switch to stretch our husbands. Our intuition is so accurate that we know if you are just rubbing us or if you are feeling us. We know when you are enjoying it, or if you are merely doing it for our enjoyment.
Don’t give up on us. We want to get there, but sometimes we need to lean on your strong shoulders and assurances. Does this make any sense to anyone?