Can “Fast Food” Be Good for You?

We are enjoying the holidays so please enjoy a re-post from July 2016.

I was recently asked about “quickies” in an Awaken-Love Women’s Class. The inquiring woman wanted help reconciling how fast food sex works with a husband and wife’s differing “warm up” needs.

When it comes to “quickies” in marriage, hopefully staying connected, selflessness and making the best use of the time you have are the motivators. None of our fast food culture’s short sighted, selfishly seeking instant gratification has a place in God’s design for marriage. Hold on, let me step off my soapbox real quick.

Quickies definitely have their place in the marriage bed, but cannot be the sole source of intimate connection to keep a marriage strong. Quickies fill a different role than more lengthy or luxurious encounters. Certainly, many husbands can reach orgasm quickly – even during a quickie – but many wives need more time to get there. So it’s super important to remember that great sex is getting to know your husband and allowing him to get to know you, not whether you have an orgasm. However, let’s not rule out an orgasm for a wife during a quickie. They are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

Quickies reconnect us – well, quickly.

  • If it has been awhile since a husband and wife have been together, then a quickie may be just the ticket to reconnect to get over that “newness” or nervousness again before launching into a longer encounter later on.
  • Quickies can allow a husband who is worried about premature ejaculation to release once really quickly so he is able to relax and be present during a longer encounter that immediately follows.
  • Quickies are great if you are literally in a rush but want to be reminded that you are a team – while visiting family, in the shower, when small children are sick and clingy, etc.
  • They can be a memorable way to start the day since arousal levels are typically higher upon waking up and a husband’s erection might already be present.
  • Quickies can be a fun means of adding playfulness to your marriage – How speedy can we be? Where can we go to do it really fast? Will it work in the closet or the laundry room? When could I surprise him?
  • Honestly, there are times when a wife may be too tired for a full course meal, but she loves her husband and wants him to have a release, so she proposes a quickie – for him to orgasm and connect and for her to love and connect with him with no pressure for her to orgasm.

Quickies can come in so many lovely varieties.

Here are some tips to make quickies more enjoyable for the wife:

As wives, if we are aware that a quickie is likely on the menu, then it is important that we use the power of our mind to build anticipation and prepare our self by awakening our body. We want to use our mind all the time, but for a quickie, our advanced thoughts can make up for the foreplay that will obviously be lacking.

Using a lubricant – whether store bought or something you already have at home like coconut oil – can also help speed things along since there isn’t time for natural lubrication to happen in full force. Our thoughts can help get the natural lubrication started, too. Praise God for our powerfully good mind!

If an orgasm is desired for the wife during a quickie, then she might need to incorporate some extra clitoral stimulation with his/her hands or a toy.  Toys, if they are right for your marriage bed, can provide a stronger source of stimulation that can cut down on the time it takes to get there.

Experience can help, too. The old adage “practice, practice, practice” holds true. The more frequently we are sexually active with our spouse, the faster our body will learn to respond – with engorgement, with lubrication, and with pleasure.  So start taking full advantage of your small pockets of time because they will help quickies get better and better!

I stand tall and proclaim that quickies are part of a balanced diet for marriage.

They may even be part of a nutritious breakfast! Obviously a diet of “just quickies” means a couple is missing out on other important nutrients in their marriage, but quickies can provide connection in a pinch and some really fun memories to think about later.

How does “fast food sex” nourish your marriage?

Woman on Top

Woman on top is one of the most pleasure inducing positions for women and it is not all that different from riding a horse. While on vacation one of the high lights was riding Icelandic horses and it got me thinking about the similarities between riding horses and riding our husbands.

Before getting on your horse, you need to spend time getting to know him. You stroke his neck, speak his name and let him smell you. He learns who you are and your calmness settles him. Having sex is about connection and getting to know our husband. We have to begin with settling ourselves so that our husbands can relax. When we stop worrying and start being, we can feel our husband, smell him and see him. Do you know when you are connected to your husband or are you too busy thinking about the next thing you need to do or worrying about how you look?


We Wish You a Merry Christmas

As we head into our Christmas celebrations, we thought we’d lighten up the blog with some fun Q&A. Whether you are celebrating at home, traveling, surrounded by family and friends, or enjoying some quiet time to reflect, we pray that you are in awe of the miracle of Christ’s birth.

“Behold, the virgin shall be with child and shall bear a son, and they shall call his name Immanuel,” which translated means, “God with us.” – Matthew 1:23


Do it for You

I will never forget the woman, tears streaming down her cheeks, her gentle husband just a step behind. She came to talk during intermission at one of my couples seminars on sex. “I am sorry”, she said, “I have to leave. This is just too painful. You see I was abused as a child… I want to do this for my husband… really, I just can’t right now.”

As I listened to her story, I was struck by the common thread that holds so many Christian wives.

Do it for your husband

It is a thread that weaves throughout our sexuality impacting us so profoundly and yet many of us may not even know it exists.  This message of “Do it for your husband” sounds so Christian, putting someone ahead of yourself, and yet in many ways it slowly strangles our sexuality until it all just feels like a chore. This subtle thread insinuates that sex is not important to wives. It implies that God did not create sex as a gift for women and that, IS A LIE.


Seeing Through New Lenses

My son’s glasses prescription changed, so we needed to get him new lenses. He and I both sighed at the thought of going to the mall…in December! Neither of us are big shoppers, but the promise of french fries in the food court while we waited for his glasses won him over.

As we sat, killing time and dipping fries, I took in the great variety of people at the mall on a Monday afternoon – young moms with strollers, elderly couples sharing a bite to eat, middle-aged men carrying shopping bags from ladies’ stores, and a group of young disabled men and women arm in arm with their caretakers. Each person was dressed differently, no two hairstyles were alike, the gait and pace of everyone’s step varied, and none of them had the same body shape.  Their individual uniqueness was apparent.

In that moment, this thought pressed into my mind – they are all beautiful because they all are made in God’s image and reflect Who He is. This diverse group of people milling around is honestly cause for celebration as we rejoice in God’s creativity and grandeur. He is not like us, but He lovingly makes us like Him.


One Woman at a Time

A little over a year ago, I sent this email to Melanie…”Today I will weep with God and with a gathering of friends. Tuesday’s class has been a constant confirmation that this [Awaken-Love] class is powerful and that there are so many women out there that need to attend. And I weep because I have no idea how to do it. I told God today that He is going to have to figure it out and open up doors. “

Three days later, I received an email from a woman I had never met before…

“My friend is currently in the Awake-Love class you are teaching on Tuesday nights. While I was visiting her in MN last week I heard about the class and was able to glance through the class outline. I am very interested in going through the class myself, but live out of state. Would it be possible for me to view the skype videos? She said you recommend watching them with a friend.”


Personal Grooming

A little grooming can go a long ways for both husband and wife. We need to be oh so considerate of each other when we are intimate. That means fresh clean bodies, clean smooth hands, trimmed nails and yes maybe – groomed pubic hair. 

You can create new terrain and new sensations through grooming. Remove all your hair, leave a landing strip, or you can trim it. You can talk about it in advance or deliver a surprise wrapped in a bow. Dive all the way in, or gradually get your feet wet.


Good Pictures Bad Pictures -Talking Kids About Pornography

In every single class I teach, there are at least a few women who are painfully aware of the importance of talking to their kids about pornography. They are women married to great guys that love the lord – men you know from small group, who volunteer in Sunday school, help lead worship or coach your kid’s baseball team – and that were impacted by porn. These men anticipated their wedding night as a fresh start of fulfilling every longing– but life wasn’t so simple. These men grew up when porn exploded on the internet before society had any idea what impact it would have. Back then, nobody knew the power of instant variety at the click of a mouse.

These men were raised like their parents were raised.

With messages of –

  • Don’t ask about sex.
  • A forced awkward talk about how babies are made
  • Boys will be boys so just ignore it.
  • Girls surely won’t enjoy it.

And young boys and girls fell into a world of screens that enticed and pulled them deeper and deeper into silence. Nobody knew it was going on – or they just thought it would pass – like previous generations of kids sneaking a look at a magazine. But this was no magazine and it wasn’t a worn-out copy of a VHS tape, this was the world of internet porn. A world where every click promised satisfaction but left you feeling hungrier then you started.


Creative Date Ideas

One of the questions I ask women during class is, “What is something romantic that your husband could plan for you?”

I’ve heard all kinds of answers but was totally caught off guard when one woman said,

“Honestly, if I could just have some time alone – with no kids, no husband and no expectations.”

Pretty soon more women were jumping on board and sharing how even though they love it when their husband plans a special date, it always feels like it comes with strings attached. Instead of enjoying the night and being thankful for a husband that wants to romance them, they dread what is next.

How sad is that! Our husband tries to do something nice and we spend our night thinking, “Darn, he is going to expect sex tonight.”

We kind of do it to ourselves I suppose…


We Are All on a Journey

My son had an emergency appendectomy last week that required a hospital stay. When he came home, it was clear that his recovery was just beginning. At first, all he could do was lay down. He’d make progress and then his pain would increase. He was resistant to doing even simple things that would help prevent complications in his recovery because they were uncomfortable. Yet, we encouraged him along, validated his discomfort before pressing the need to be proactive and celebrated his tiny victories.

After a couple of days at home, I realized that his returning to normal would be a longer process than I had first anticipated. We kept moving slowly forward while counting our blessings for all the “could haves” that didn’t happen. And then, when I thought I could not make it through another night of interrupted sleep (how did we survive the infant and toddler years again?), my son took a big leap forward. He started interacting with us again, his clever wit was back in play and he wanted to delay his pain medication doses. It was sweet, and it felt like perfect timing even if it was completely unexpected.  Of course, there is still much work to do in his recovery, but I think some of the hardest parts are behind us.