I know this is kind of a stretch, but I am going to go there….
Five years ago when I studied Song of Songs as an allegory of God’s love for me, I kept thinking, “So when I am most intimate with my husband, that is what God wants with me? “ In other words, “So, when I have an orgasm – that point in time when the rest of the world ceases to exist…when I stop worrying about what I look like, or what I sound like…. When I see my husband more clearly than my eyes are capable of seeing….when there is no wrong in the world, only us….That is what God wants with me?”
Orgasm can be such a powerful, euphoric experience. For women, it is probably one of the rare times that multitasking fails to exist. Our brain shuts down – not because we make it – but because we can’t help it. We experience the joy of nothing and everything all at once. Sometimes it is traveling thru a tunnel of white stillness with the driven focus of finding an opening the size of a pinhead. When you pass thru, everything explodes with warmth, a rainbow of colors… joy – just pure joy. There is no pain, there is no worry, there is no division – there is wholeness and oneness.
So, I thought to myself, “This is what God wants with me.” How do I get there? Because that is not where I am. I was seeking Him, but I was seeking Him within my reality, within my control, and within my ability.
Just like I cannot define with words what I experience with my husband, God is more than my human sized brain can rationalize. He goes beyond our comprehension of time. He can be both just and merciful. He contains all the attributes of male and female because we are made in his image. He gives us free will and yet knows ahead of time which way we will turn. I cannot limit God or define Him thru the lens of my own humanity.
In order to experience all that my husband offers me I must let go of control. It is a surrender that allows expression that does not happen otherwise. It erases self, consciousness and worry, and dances in freedom. What a terrifying thing to actually let go of control – to allow our minds and body to express what it feels or senses without pulling back and grabbing the reins – but let go I must.
So much of our relationship with God is related to letting go of control. We lay down our selfish desires and become in tune to what He is calling us to. It is what my friend Tiffany likes to call “interruptible” – to give up our agenda, schedule and plan and step into what God calls us to at that moment. We lay down our pride and how others see us, as we are drawn more and more into intimate worship with Him. It is letting go of the reins that can be both terrifying and exhilarating.
I cannot will myself to respond to my husband – it just happens – because I have gotten out of the way. In fact, if I start trying to make things happen out of my own ability, then it usually messes things up.
In our relationship with God, we must realize that it is nothing that we do, but it is what God does. He paid out debt, He makes us new, He refines us, and He draws us to Him. When we are at our weakest – we are at our best because He works through us. When we get out of the way and meet God with a full heart and overflowing gratitude, then God blows us away.
So as I desire more of God, it happens with a constant surrender and with a constant tearing away of me – just like the hard steps that allow my husband to know me through sex. As I step into communing with him in worship, or in prayer, I am less aware of myself, and more overwhelmed by who He is – just like when my husband and I enter into a space that only contains us. When I stop trying so hard and let God work through my dependence on Him, then I see Him move in powerful ways. When I imagine what heaven will be, I imagine that communing with God will be a pleasure beyond my comprehension.
How has sex helped you understand intimacy with God?