The other night one of the ladies stayed after class to ask a question, “I was just wondering…” she said, “in our reading, a couple of places it has said that women don’t always need to have an orgasm. Do you agree with that?”
Her question reminded me of the importance of filtering everything we learn about sex through God’s word – even Christian resources.
In Song of Songs, Solomon and his bride were equal participants in the marriage bed – really an amazing thing considering the cultural roles of women at that time. Based on this example, I believe God intends wives to be equal participants in the marriage bed – in expressing their desires, initiating, being creative and enjoying sex. The simple fact that God gave women a clitoris-which serves no other purpose besides creating pleasure- is evidence He intended us to experience orgasm.
I will never forget my first time teaching the husband’s class when one of the men had the guts to ask, “Do women need to experience an orgasm every time?” I was a little dumbfounded, but calmly replied, “Do you?” There was this wall of silence as men thought about it. Can you imagine having sex multiple times a week and only having an orgasm 10, 30 or 50 percent of the time?
I am not surprised this husband asked the question because it is common for books to say something like, “sometimes your wife would rather just cuddle.” I am probably going to get in trouble for this, but if you had a choice between “cuddling” and “having an orgasm and then cuddling”– what would you choose?
I think there are a lot of well-intended reasons why people say that women are just as happy cuddling….
- For the couple that has limited their definition of what sex is, it may not be realistic for her to orgasm consistently
- Women don’t want their husband to feel bad and protect him by telling him it doesn’t matter
- Women don’t want to feel broken so they tell themselves they are just as happy cuddling
- Some couples would rather settle than do the hard work of figuring things out or having hard conversations
Many women do not experience orgasm every time, but is this what God desires? And are there things that God is teaching us and doing as we journey towards making sex as enjoyable for the wife as the husband?
In order for women to orgasm on a consistent basis, sex must be redefined beyond intercourse to include all kinds of delights. Hard communication must take place that builds intimacy. A wife must feel desired, and pursued and trust that her husband won’t give up on her. Couples must stretch in their use of words and be on a journey of knowing each other. It does not just happen, it takes hard work.
Obviously equality in the marriage bed can be taken to extremes…
If wives are having orgasms on a regular basis, then sometimes we love to treat our husbands to a freebie. I think we can also experience times when we our so satisfied by the intimate connection that happens during sex, that orgasm is not even a factor for us.
Pressure to have an orgasm can also become a negative thing instead of a positive thing. Men, if your wife says she is done, you can’t force her to have an orgasm. And don’t add pressure to your wife by making your fulfillment and worth as a man dependent on whether she sees fireworks – you will either end up with a wife that fakes it or hates sex. You cannot make your wife orgasm, she has to want it.
Sex is a journey and it may take time to figure things out, but the goal is for sex to be enjoyable for both of you. So don’t be afraid to redefine sex so that it works for her too. Stretch in connecting intimately with your wife during sex and using your words to ramp things up. Be open to your wife’s guidance and tuned in to her feedback – both verbal and non- verbal. And don’t buy into the lie that women are just not as orgasmic as men. You may not have even scratched the surface of what your wife is capable of.