Mismatched Drives

“Why don’t I have a drive like my husband?”

This wasn’t the first time I had heard this question. It is easy as a lower drive spouse to feel like something is wrong with us because we don’t have a drive. It must be awesome to want sex all the time – it would make life so much easier.

When it comes to sex, I don’t really think there is an easy road. We just have different challenges to navigate.

Honestly, I think part of our problem is giving our drives way too much power. As Christians, we say that sex is not just physical, but do we really believe it and do we live it? If we believed sex was a gift from God to strengthen marriage, wouldn’t we be having sex regardless of whether our physical body was screaming for it.

I don’t care whether you are the higher drive spouse or the lower drive spouse, your drive should not dictate whether you have sex.

Can you imagine if the higher drive spouse insisted on having sex every time their body called for it. Obviously that is not OK. A spouse must put the needs of the other first. If a husband is dead tired from working 2 shifts, a loving wife will help him get sleep. If a young mom is drained from hours on end with toddlers, a loving husband will talk to her, help with the dishes and tuck the kids in bed while she takes a minute to herself. Sex may go by the wayside for a while to love their spouse other ways.

In the same way, the lower drive spouse cannot let their lack of drive dictate whether they have sex. I think there are several areas to think about when you have no drive….

Drive follows Arousal – Some of us don’t feel a drive or desire to have sex until we are aroused. That means you have to give your spouse a chance to get you on board and be open to it. You have to trust that if you engage your mind, your body will follow.

Sex is not just Physical – If you believe that sex is just about pleasure or orgasm you are short changing God’s design. Every time we have sex God makes us into “one” with our spouse in some mysterious way. Sex glues us together and it communicates things that words cannot. We can comfort, refresh, restore and simply love each other through sex and we are fools if we don’t tap into the power of sex.

Sex may seem Boring – If you have stopped growing in your sex life, if you are just going thru the motions or not connecting during sex, you may be totally bored with sex. God has more for you but it is hard work. You must start talking about sex, be vulnerable sharing yourself, and create a sex life that is the two of you naked and unashamed.

Sex cannot be the last thing on your list – you have to make sex a priority in your life by taking time to think about it and dream about what would be fun and exciting. You must take care of yourself and save time and energy for connecting. Turn off the screen, go to bed early, get naked and discover something new about each other.

Whether you are the higher drive spouse, or the lower drive spouse God never intended that our physical bodies would control us. Our spirit needs to be in charge. We need to know and understand what God wants for us in marriage. We need to know the power of God making us into One on a regular basis and we need to make it a priority. Don’t let your drive determine whether you have sex.

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