Do you think you can have sex without getting to know your spouse?
I think a couple could figure out what works and then just stick with it. They could rely on mechanics and physical responsiveness for a while… But eventually, things aren’t so great, because they get bored – because they aren’t getting to know each other. And if they are like most couples, they don’t talk about sex, so they just adapt. The wife may begin to check out mentally and fantasize about whatever creates enough excitement for her body to work. Or she may just decide she doesn’t like sex, so she puts it at the bottom a very long “to do” list.
Women are very intuitive about whether you are getting to know each other during sex. Many women relate to the frustration of a husband going through his routine without any clue whether his wife is actually enjoying things. She is laying there thinking, “here we go again. Yep. Here we go again”. Because she knows every step that is next. And because the husband is more intent on getting her to the finish line, then discovering something new, he just keeps at it. He tries harder and harder, while she becomes more and more frustrated. He is not paying attention to the signs of her body, and he is not getting to know her.
It is like when you meet with God and you have your own agenda. You have your own idea of what you are supposed to pray and do. You read your scripture for the day, pray through your requests and all the while God is yelling, “Hey, can you hear me? I’m here. Stop. Listen to me. Just come and be with me and discover something new about who I am. “
We are trying so hard, that we totally miss God.
God wants to know us and He wants us to know Him. We can’t just go about our routine. We have to stop ourselves and we have to be with him.
Ephesians 1:17 (NIV) – I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better
We have to listen and ask questions. We have to be open to experiencing new things. We have to ask Him to show us who He is so that we recognize His voice. We have to be awed by Him as we encounter His glory. We have to be interruptible and let go of our own agenda. We have to study Him and experience Him and there is always more to know.
Just like there is always more to know about God, there is always more to know about our spouse. God’s design is that we get to know each other through sex. But just like our relationship with God, we have to intentionally seek to know our spouse through sex. It doesn’t just happen.
We have to change our idea of sex from,”how do I make sure they have an orgasm”, to “what can I discover about my spouse”. We have to be present mind, body and soul and we have to use all 5 of our senses to see what we can discover. We can’t just rub them, we have to feel them. We have to put away our agenda and our expectations. I love it when my husband slyly share after sex, “I learned something new about you tonight,” with the sparkle in eyes of a kid with a new toy.
But this getting to know each other is a 2 way street. If you want your spouse to know you, then you have to let yourself be known. You have to allow yourself to be felt and you have to respond. You have to communicate your desires, your dreams and your hurts. You have to be vulnerable and share the most intimate corners of your soul, and that is not easy. That is why we have to be grounded in who we are in Christ. What we most desire is to know each other, but it is also risky.
God designed us for intimacy because we are made in His image. Like him, our deepest desire is to have deep meaningful relationships. He created us to know Him and he created us to know our spouse. But it doesn’t just magically happen, we have to intentionally seek God out. We have to begin a life long journey of getting to know each other through sex – and that – is never boring.
What has made a difference in getting to know your spouse?