Romance movies feed on a woman’s God given desire for a husband to lead in the bedroom and leave us disillusioned when our sex life doesn’t live up to our expectations. Creating an awesome sex life is hard work and our husband has the hardest job in the world. Learning to confidently lead a complicated, finicky woman that has a body and needs so different than their own is like trying to solve a rubics cube while blind folded. Husband’s spend years guarding their eyes, trying to be gentle, and putting our needs ahead of theirs and then all of a sudden we expect them to be a passionate lover that feasts their eyes on us and takes us against the wall the moment we get home from a hot date. YIKES!
Ladies, we had better step up and help with this one because we have been yanking our husband’s chain around for too long. If you want your husband to lead in the bedroom, you need to take ownership for all the ways you have discouraged him. You have to communicate your desire for him to lead and your resolve to do things different. You have to give him permission to go after what he wants rather than always putting you first. You have to own your finickiness and let him off the hook. And you have to affirm his God given qualities and assure him that you absolutely trust him.
Communication – Great sex is built on communication, and not just what isn’t working. Spend time outside of the bedroom sharing fun scenarios and ideas. Share what turns you on and why. During sex say things like
- I love it when you…
- It makes me hot when…
- You are so…
Not only do you need to communicate how your body works but you need to communicate what turns you on. What do you need to hear? What do you need to see? How do you need to be held?
Expand His Repertoire – Your husband needs a huge set of plays so that he can adjust to meet your needs in different situations. You have to show your husband different things that you might like. Manual sex can feel very different depending on whether you are Wrapped Up, Woven Together or Up Close and Personal. Help him expand his repertoire by showing him different positions to hold you, touch you, and connect with you. If you need some ideas check out the Positions Category on our blog.
Connect Sex to Emotions – Sex is not just for pleasure but is supposed to represent who we are at that moment in time. Begin helping your husband understand how to hold you when you feel insecure. Help him understand how sex plays out when you are confident. Show him how to love you when you are sad. Treat him to sex when you are feeling playful. Share where you are that night, and help your husband learn how to play out emotions during sex.
Take your Turn – One of the best ways to show your husband what it means to lead is to take the lead yourself. Surprise him like you would want to be surprised. Tease him like you would want to be teased. Take charge, have a plan, assure him that you’ve got this and then do it like you mean it.Spend time afterward talking through why it was so hot for you, and what you would love.
Give Him Ideas and Permission – If you have specific ideas of a sex scenario that you would like to have play out, you may need to have a conversation with your husband in advance. In fact you might need to have several conversations in order to communicate what you want and that you really want it. A loving husband that has spent his life being kind, considerate and gentle may take a little convincing that you really want what you want. If it turns you on to have your husband Take You to the Wall, or splay you out while holding your hands above your head, or ask you to watch, then you might have to communicate why. What does this represent to you? Why does it turn you on? Communicate your trust and your desire to be fully surrendered.
Let Him Off the Hook – Our bodies are finicky depending on the time of month, how our day went, how many kids slobbered on us, or our insecurity for the day. Our husband can start to feel more and more unsure of themselves which makes us feel even worse. Reassure your husband that he is not doing anything wrong, you’re just having trouble. Ask him to help you get back on board by not giving up on you and instead try a different path.
Affirm your Husband – Affirm your husband when he discovers something new about you. Affirm him when he becomes bolder with his words. Affirm him when he holds you with steady, firm hands. Affirm him when he notices something you don’t like and tries another path. Affirm him when he tries something new. Affirm him as he becomes more confident and resilient in adapting to the situation. Affirm him when he doesn’t give up on you. Affirm him when you sense he is more present and connected to you. The best thing that you can do to influence growth in your husband is to encourage him in every small step he takes in the right direction.
My husband and I have grown tremendously in our sex life. It is hard work but it is so worth it. Don’t settle. God wants you to have an amazing sex life.