How to Have an Orgasm if you never have…

As I sat down to write an article on how to have an orgasm, a good friend texted wondering what I was up to.

“Not much”, I said, “Just writing a post on how to have an orgasm.”

“Step by step instructions?”, she texted back.

“Not exactly step by step. It doesn’t really work that way. Does it?”


“What are the steps?”, I asked.

“1. This is your crotch. 2. Locate your clitoris. 3. Rub”

Wise counsel from a wise friend, but seriously, sometimes figuring out how to have an orgasm just isn’t that simple.

If you have never had an orgasm, don’t give up. Just because you haven’t had one yet, doesn’t mean you can’t or won’t. Many of us took months or even years to learn how to orgasm the first time so you are not alone. Learning how your body works takes time and energy but it is well worth the investment.

Clitoral orgasms from manual or oral stimulation are typically the most clearly defined and physically the strongest orgasm. This is the orgasm that women say, “if you don’t know, then you haven’t.” Usually the orgasm comes from a pinpoint of pleasure and radiates outward as tension releases. Many time a woman can feel contractions of her PC muscles, vagina and sometimes even her uterus. Afterwards the clitoral head can become ultra-sensitive.


If you struggle to have an orgasm, self-exploration can be the best way to learn. Even though you might eventually figure it out with your husband, sometimes it can real help to know how your own body works. Unlike men who fell in love with their penis when they were young boys, most of us grew up without ever touching or exploring our own genitals. In fact, many of us have never even seen our own body. Just like your husband knows his body, we need to know, understand and appreciate our body. If you are confused about whether self-exploration would be a good thing in your marriage then you might want to read about Masturbation in Marriage.  I would also encourage you to have a conversation with your husband and gently explain why self-exploration might help you.

Removing the pressure of a husband watching can help you relax and provide more freedom to respond however you want. When you touch yourself, you can instantly adjust the pressure, speed or motion that feels best. You can explore freely without feeling bossy, controlling or finicky. After you learn what your body enjoys and what it takes to have an orgasm, then you can show your husband. The more your body recognizes and leans into the pleasure it receives the easier it responds.

What we Believe

Our mind has an enormous amount of control over our body. Often women that struggle to have an orgasm also struggle to believe sex is a good thing. Some had a strong purity message that made them think sex was dirty. Others suffered from sexual abuse and they connected pain with sex. Whatever the cause, the first step to having an orgasm is believing.

You must believe that sex is a good thing and that God created sex for us to thoroughly enjoy. God created you as a sexual being and that you can freely enjoy and share your body. You must even believe that you can have an orgasm. The minute you start doubting that orgasm will ever happen the odds will plummet.

Getting to Know Your Body

Start by spending some time looking at your body. Get out a mirror and see if you can identify the different parts of your body. What might seem like a bunch of flaps and crevices is God’s intricate design. Women vary enormously in the color and shape of their vulva and it is all God’s beautiful creation.

Add some coconut oil for lubrication and slowly touch the different parts of your body. You might need to pull back the hood in order to see your clitoris. The head of the clitoris is packed with over 8000 nerves to help you experience pleasure. So many nerves in fact, that most women don’t enjoy having the head directly touched until highly aroused. The area women usually stimulate the most is the skin around the clitoral head. Once you’ve identified all your parts and gently stroked them to identify sweet spots, spend some time thinking about your body. Does is feel dirty? Does it feel beautiful? Can you thank God for your body? Could you draw a picture of what your body looks like?


If you are uncomfortable with any of these questions, I would suggest that you spend some time thinking and praying about what has impacted how you feel about yourself. Maybe your received messages that your body was dirty. Maybe your body just feels foreign because you never see it and you need to spend some time getting comfortable. Learning to love our own body can have a huge impact not just on orgasm but on freedom during sex.

Please don’t gloss over getting to know your body and think that it does not matter. Every woman that has reached out to meet because they had yet to experience orgasm, preferred to try using a vibrator then to touch their own body. Until your embrace who God created you to be, you will be limited to enjoy all that God has for you.

Take the Pressure Off

Pressure, anxiety, worry, and expectations are all enemies of enjoying sex and having an orgasm. Even with our husband gone during self-exploration, we can still struggle to just relax and enjoy. A easy way to stop worrying about how long it is taking, is to use a timer.  Simply make a practice of setting a timer for at least 20 minutes each time you explore. Whether you reach orgasm or not doesn’t matter. What matters is that you regularly spend time exploring for at least 20 minutes.

Realize that it will take time for your body to wake up to pleasure. Every time you explore, your body will recognize a little sooner what is coming. Cultivate an attitude of thankfulness about what you discover not about whether you orgasm. Thank God afterward for every new sensations you find. Take the pressure off and enjoy.

Technique Ideas

Every woman is unique in how they pleasure themselves.  You get to discover what feels good to you. But to get you started I will share a few ideas.

Use coconut oil or your favorite lubrication so your fingers glide silky smooth along your body. Rest your hand on your mound and use the flat pads of fingers to stroke your body. Don’t just stimulate the head of the clitoris but stroke outer lips and inner lips to gradually get the blood flowing. As arousal builds focus more and more around the clitoris.

The most common movement is slightly diagonal across the clitoris. Some women gently stroke circles around the clitoral head. Others stoke up and down or across side to side. Some women move their fingers with the skin around the clitoris in more of a tugging and pulling motion or use feather light touches to flick the clitoris. Others simply pulse their fingers against the skin. You can also vary the number of fingers that you use to change the focus of stimulation. One finger provides focused stimulation, two fingers straddle both sides of the lips or clitoris. Three fingers spreads out the stimulation and a palm can provide a whole new experience.  The possibilities are endless and you get to decide what you enjoy.

Change things up when you lose interest. When something feels good, try to get into a rhythm so your body anticipates and expects. Relax and enjoy to see how much tension you can build. If you get stuck, then back things down by circling around to another area. Arousal does not have to look like a straight line that steadily increases. Tease yourself and have some fun.


As arousal builds you might want to engage your pelvic area to create tension. You can thrust your pelvis, and imagine having intercourse with your husband. You can also contract your Kegel muscles to the rhythm of your stroking. Increase oxygen levels in your blood through deep slow breathing deep and stay relaxed. Create tension by stretching out your legs. Engage your mind by imagining what your husband might do to make you feel hot! Even use words to ramp arousal as if your husband is speaking it to life. Allow yourself to think and feel sexy.

You might be surprised by how much or how vigorous a stimulation it takes to orgasm. Feel free to do whatever feels good and lean into it even more the better it feels.

At some point, you will reach a place where you are right there. It’s like you’ve caught the most amazing wave, and it’s the sweetest thing ever. You are just riding it and riding it to see how far you can go. When you get to this point, stay steady like clockwork, trust your body and enjoy the ride. Eventually, it will tumble over in pleasure as the wave washes over you.

Invest the Time

It takes time for your body to learn how to respond in orgasm. Women that want to make real progress must invest time. If you want to learn to play the violin, you don’t practice once a week. You practice 3, 4 or 5 days a week for at least a half hour. If you want your body to learn how to orgasm, then you have to practice on a regular basis.

This is where the believing part comes back in. Do you believe that you are worth it? If you cut your time short and decide it has been too long, why did you stop? Did you think it was too much time? Too much work? Are you enjoying your time, or are you just trying to have an orgasm? Are you worth it?

What helped you figure out how to orgasm?

Comments 2

  1. I know I’m a male commenting on an article you wrote for the women but I was deeply encouraged by what you wrote. I have been encouraging my wife (off and on) for most of our married life to engage in some self exploration so she knew what was nice for her, to learn how to enjoy the different sensations but she has rarely ever done this as she has felt that it was not the right thing to do. I had actually given up a few years back.
    Now, she does enjoy her orgasms but my point here is the importance of knowing your body and understanding it. I honestly felt like she was missing out on so much she could be experiencing. We are currently in a phase of our life where we are unfortunately separated because of covid-19 and may be so for nearly 2 months. We had an honest, open, real conversation about sex and how we would handle it during our forced separation. To my utter surprise and joy she said she wanted to begin to masturbate (we don’t really use that word because of all the negative connotations!) and lean more about sex, her body and how to develop greater intimacy with me. I gave her one of your blogs to read it and now she is on the journey of her life! She’s enjoying your online course, she’s loving the times of self exploration and I am loving all the detailed reports she gives me each time. Ruth, thank you, thank you, thank you. A breath of fresh air. It has made our forced separation so much more bearable, it’s drawing us closer together, more than we have ever been before and it is enriching our walk with the Lord.

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