I often speak to young Moms about the importance of keeping sex alive even while raising kids. It has been years since my 4 girls were babies, and much of it seems like a fog, but sex definitely was not at the top of my priority list. I have been thinking about what I wish I had done differently to navigate through baby land. One of my biggest mistakes was limiting non-sexual touch.
I remember spending long days at home chasing little kids, wiping noses, reading with a full lap of girls, and rocking babies to sleep. When my husband arrived home, the last thing I wanted was for him to touch me – especially if it might lead to sex. And so I kept my distance from him. I didn’t linger with my kisses, I didn’t cuddle too long before I rolled away from him in bed, and I pushed him away.
Ultimately I wanted to protect my husband. I didn’t want to lead him on and later disappoint him. But limiting non-sexual touch, not only impacted my drive, but trained my husband to expect sex on the days that I allowed him to touch me. And his expectations for sex after non-sexual turned me off even more. So the pattern began.
Here is the problem
One of the most important ways that women keep our sexual energy simmering is through non-sexual touch with our husband. Hand holding, kissing, back rubs and foot rubs helps connect me to my husband and leaves me feeling loved. Laying skin to skin naked with no expectations can awaken sexual thoughts that have been pushed away during my busy day. So when the more I avoided non-sexual touch, the less I wanted sex.
I think our husbands miss the non-sexual touch as much as we do. Who else touches your husband besides you? If we only touch our husband when we have sex, is it possible one reason they crave sex is simply because they feel starved for touch. Men say they need sex, but maybe they really just need to be touched.
All Day Love Affair
In my classes I talk about, just like our relationship with God, we are supposed to have an all-day love affair with our husband. For example, there is a huge difference between having a designated prayer time to check off your daily list, and conversing with God all day long.
Sex is not supposed to just be this thing that we do when we get in bed. It is supposed to be an attitude of constant thought, connecting and touching. We need to stay connected through non-sexual touch through out the day, and sex just flows out of the connection.
So how do you break the cycle of avoiding non-sexual touch because you don’t want to lead him on?
Talk About It
Start by telling your husband that you want to change and you need his help. Ask him to touch you without the expectation that it will lead to sex. It may be back rubs, foot rubs, holding hands, or cuddling in bed.
Reach out to connect with him and touch him throughout the day. When you are stressed, instead of pushing him away, hug him and let your stress melt away. Relax and allow his touch to fill you up. Touch and touch often.
Ask your husband to allow you to sleep nude with him, skin to skin, with no expectations. Be open to your body waking up and experiencing connection. If your husband gets an erection, don’t think that he is not honoring your request of no expectations. Erections are not under his control. Instead feel thrilled that he finds your body arousing.
Touch from your husband should fill you up. It should refresh you and connect you. Have a conversation with your husband, stop the cycle, and begin an all-day love affair today.
Originally Published as Touch Me on Jan 18, 2015