This weekend I met a young mom at a craft fair selling beautiful pottery and we struck up a conversation. I shared that I also used to create things during naptime to help keep my sanity as a young mom. When I admitted that I don’t get down to the woodshop much anymore, she asked, “So what do you do now?”
Without missing a beat, my oldest daughter replied, “She’s writing a book.”
“What about?”, she asked.
In a split moment I had to discern, am I supposed to tell her what I really do?
“The book is going to be about sex. I actually teach sex classes to Christian Wives”, I quietly offered.
“That’s awesome!”, she said, “It is so needed! I would totally be interested in something like that. I’ve got to introduce you to my husband!”
As she enthusiastically shared with her husband what I do, I heard him quietly say, “I thought we were doing okay.”
Now this couple seemed so at ease with each other, my guess is they are actually doing great. As he got pulled away to another customer, I said to her, “That’s so like a man, isn’t it? That whole, ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’ mentality. I figure there’s always more to learn.”
A few years ago, my husband might have had the same attitude. We rarely talked about sex, and when we did, it consisted of an awkward conversation to fix an issue. Talking about sex pretty much equated with some kind of problem or failure.
But talking about sex, taking a sex class, or learning new things, doesn’t have to send us into, “NASA, WE HAVE A PROBLEM” mode. Sex can become just another topic that creates enjoyment, expectation or excitement. Imagine if you could talk about sex in the same way that you brainstorm about your next vacation.
“I want to go somewhere warm, where we can just lay on the beach in the sun! Remember when we went to Hawaii. I’d love to go back there, or maybe Jamaica.”
“How about a trip to the mountains, skiing. It was so beautiful and after a long day we got to just snuggle up next to the fire.”
“I would love to see Italy. The artwork, the history, the food. Maybe a few days in the country, tasting the wine. Doesn’t that sound amazing!”
The Importance of Dreaming
The possibilities are endless as we dream about where we would love to go on vacation with our spouse and why. There is no wrong answer and no one takes offense at an idea. Though the vacation may not happen for years or possibly never, it gives us something to hope for and to aim for. We can even take small steps by reading travel books, attending a class about the area, starting a savings fund or taking a smaller similar vacation. Dreaming is the first step to making it a reality.
The possibilities God gives us for sex are endless! But it starts by creating a safe place to dream about what we would enjoy. Having the freedom to express ideas, desires and scenarios without insecurities or fears of failure shutting us down. Just because you want to try something new does not mean you don’t love what you already have. Just because you want to take a sex class does not mean you are not doing great. Planning and dreaming for the future produces hope, enlightens steps to take along the way and gives you something to aim for.
Creating a Resilient Sex Life
Many of us reach a safe place in sex, and make a truce. “I won’t rock the boat if you don’t rock it.” But all it takes is one small storm – kids, stress, strained living conditions, a physical challenge – and all of a sudden, we are taking on water and don’t know how to swim.
We need to build strong resilient sex lives that can weather storms. Talking about sex doesn’t have to throw our heart into A-Fib. It should feel as natural as a conversation about our next vacation. We need to discover many ways to connect and create pleasure and constantly look for more. We want to create a safe place to share everything from insecurities to dreams. I want to know that our sex life can weather any challenge thrown at us.
Working on our sex life doesn’t mean we have a problem, it means we want sex to be even better tomorrow than it was today.
How do you work on your sex life?