I have this theory that in many marriages, wives train their husband not to initiate sex until we give the signal that we are open for business. We like to control our lives, including when and where we have sex. So, we develop subtle, or not so subtle signals. Maybe we linger as we kiss, or we touch more than usual, or we just tell him, “do you want to have sex tonight?” And our husband simply waits.
Years ago, I controlled when we had sex. If I kissed my husband and immediately rolled over, the gate was closed. But if we kissed and I lingered to talk or touch, my husband knew he might get lucky. Recently I asked my husband if he knew my signal and he said, “When you went to the bathroom one last time before we turned out the lights, then I knew I had a chance.”
Of course, sometimes my husband would patiently give me a back rub or snuggle in hopes that he might sway me towards connecting. But for the most part, he patiently waited. I trained my husband to watch for my signals and because he was kind and considerate, he catered to my time table and needs.
Maybe one of the reasons our husbands don’t initiate without a signal, is because he doesn’t want to be one of those pushy guys that always wants sex. He wants to prove that he can love us in other ways than just making love. So he patiently waits, or timidly tests the waters. And even though there are times when our husband probably senses that the two of us need to connect, he waits. He holds back and we miss out on opportunities to bond.
The Turn Off
Here’s the really bad part. A husband that tip toes around, always testing the waters, and never quite knows what he wants is a real turn off.
We want a man that will lead.
After a hot date we want a husband that can’t wait to get us somewhere private. When we feel insecure, we want a man that will look us in the eye and say, “You are more beautiful today then the day we met” and show us. When we least expect it, we want a husband to confidently say, “let me” and treat us to some of the most delicious sex because he loves it as much as we do.
In Naked Marriage by Corey Allan, Ph.D. he lists three rules for great sex for husbands.
- Approach your wife as if she is the most adventurous, passionate, and open-minded woman in the world. When you assume less that this, you limit the possibilities of excitement in the relationship.
- It’s her job to say no to anything she’s not interested in trying or doing. It’s your job to speak up and express your desires.
- Don’t take things personally. If she says no to sex on the roof tonight, don’t take it personally, then refer back to Rule 1.
When I read these rules, I immediately thought, Amen. I want a husband that will acknowledge his desires, stick his neck out there and go for it. And I want to have the same freedom. My husband can always say no, but I don’t want to just play it safe. I want to live and I want my husband to live.
Encouraging Him to Lead
God created our husband to lead, even in the marriage bed. Yet because of our controlling nature, we seem to think we should determine when and how we have sex. We’ve believed the lie that when our husband reaches for us, he is just like all those other men that use women for sex. We’ve lost touch with the fact that our husband would do anything in the world for us – even cater to our sex drive.
And because our husband doesn’t want to be one of “those” pushy men, he kindly waits for our signal. . And the very thing that we want most, a strong, loving, confident husband who knows what we need even in the midst of our insecurities starts tipping toeing around second guessing himself.
So my question to you is,
Do you want your husband to lead? Even in the marriage bed?
Does he have the right to initiate sex when he feels disconnected? Or when he wants to love you? O maybe even when he needs to feel loved?
How do we trust our husband enough to let go of control?