When I spoke at a moms group the other day, a few women lingered to ask questions. After beating around the bush, one of the women finally had the courage to get to the crux of her situation.“You talk about how sex is supposed to be this amazing connecting experience. But honestly, I don’t really feel connected afterwards at all. Sex just seems so mechanical and not intimate.”
I suspect many women relate to what she expressed. Sex with our husband can feel mechanical. The constant movement of our husband can almost make us feel dizzy. Instead of feeling more, we feel less. We can seem like two separate people going through the motions striving to get to the finish line. Even if we experience pleasure or orgasm, we don’t necessarily feel connected to our husband afterwards.
Physical response does not equate to connection. We can fantasize our way to orgasm while in two completely different worlds. Or we could simply over ride the lack of connection with an intensity of physical stimulation. A loving husband distracted by thoughts of what to do next or his own performance can even be completely clueless to his wife’s discomfort. Orgasm without intimacy can feel empty and lonely.
How We Have Sex
But God created sex as a way to “know” each other. It is the answer to “how” we have sex. “Knowing” each other through sex requires a completely different mindset. Rather than focusing on creating the friction required to orgasm, we settle into the quietness of listening, and feeling and creating connection to discover new things about each other. Knowing that our spouse sees us creates as much arousal as movement does.
Sometimes we must take a step back from movement in order to find connection. Just like a deep breath that cleanses our soul when sits in stillness to listen for God, we lay skin to skin and listen for each other. We feel their skin on ours, hear their heartbeat, look into their soul and listen. We listen to what our body craves but also to the beckoning of our lover. Even during intercourse, rather than racing into movement, we may simply sit for a moment and feel each other to the depths. Only after we settle and can feel our bodies connected, do we begin to move. And when we move, we go together.
Sometimes we go on a journey of discovering our spouse. Eyes open wide, we expectantly watch for clues to avenues of pleasure to explore. Sharing our awe of who God created them to be we treasure every nugget they reveal.
Other times, we take our spouse into our world. Uncovered and naked we give them glimpses of who we are, unrestrained and free. Eyes wide open, daring them to match our intensity, we spur each other on.
And sometimes we don’t even know where we are going, but we go together.
Connection during sex does not happen naturally or easily. Moving beyond mechanics into the world of connection takes courage and an openness to experience something new. Rather than finding satisfaction in the surface of movement and orgasm, we dive deep to know each other and see what we can discover together.