God’s Design for Equal Roles in the Marriage Bed

I write all the time about how God created sex for wives as much husbands. In Song of Songs, the beloved and the lover play equal roles in the marriage bed. Just having sex for the sake of your husband is not what God intended, and definitely not what your husband yearns for. But God’s plans for equal roles is not just about equality, I believe God has a plan for us. God wants husbands and wives to play equal roles in the marriage bed because we both have something to bring to the table. 

God’s Design for Sex

God created a powerful design to refine both husband and wife through marriage. He created man and woman—both in His image, but so very different from each other. As we work towards creating an intimate sex life, we stretch to meet each other and learn from one another. His design drives us toward connection and toward personal growth.

Many women have wrestled with why God made sex so complicated for us while it seems so easy for our husband. We start feeling broken or punished, or we feel like we are doing something wrong. Some Christian writers even suggest that if women would just surrender control to their husband, orgasm would come easily during intercourse. That is a lie and does nothing more than assign blame to avoid growth or learning. Just because a husband can have an orgasm does not mean he has everything figured out about sex.

God created sex to refine both husband and wife as they learn from each other. If sex was easy for both of us, it wouldn’t create intimacy. Vulnerably sharing our needs, praying over baggage, and asking to be shown, creates intimacy. Having hard conversations, understanding each other’s insecurities, and extending grace to each other creates intimacy. If sex was as hard for our husband as it is for wives, we would probably both just give up.

Women might feel like they got the shorter end of the stick, but imagine how a loving husband feels. His greatest desire is to give pleasure to his wife. For him, nothing else matters. Can you imagine how frustrated, and confused he might feel as he tries to figure out his very complicated wife. Sex is hard for both of us.

We Learn From Each Other

God instilled different understandings about sex in order to grow each other. Men understand the importance of becoming one, even when we are disconnected. Wives must learn to trust their husbands and trust that God will help make them into one.

Women understand that sex can’t just be about orgasm. God created sex as a way to know each other. Husbands need to let go of their plans and focus on what they can discover about their wives.

God created men with eyes to enjoy their wives to create arousal and to affirm her beauty. Wives need to lovingly stretch in using their bodies to tantalize their husbands. Stepping into freedom to embrace our bodies takes courage and the belief that our husbands’ eyes are God’s good creation.

God created women with a huge imagination and an understanding of the power of words to create arousal. Husbands must create a safe place for their wives to express themselves. They should attempt to match their wives’ creative energy. They must constantly seek to learn new things about their wives and anticipate what they would find exciting. Husbands, too, must stretch, in learning to use words to create excitement and arousal during sex.

Even though the mechanics of sex and orgasm come easily to our husbands, intimate connection may not. To get beyond movement and create arousal through connection can feel foreign and even scary to a husband. Looking into each other’s eyes, feeling each other’s bodies through stillness and speaking words of excitement challenge a husband to stretch in order to meet his wife’s needs. Along the way, he discovers a connection sweeter than anything he ever imagined.

Final Thoughts

God designed sex to grow both of you. It is hard work.  Don’t think that because orgasm comes easily, you have things figured out. Don’t think you are broken because orgasms don’t come easily.  He wants to use your spouse’s needs to show you something new and create intimacy between the two of you. Even more than that, God wants to create a dependence on Him as you vulnerably stretch to love your spouse.

Comments 3

  1. God’s Design for sex. The big O is not orgasm but Oxytocin.
    This is a good post. Thank you, Ruth.
    There are times when just having a quickie and a good orgasm hits the spot. But most American couples miss out big time when it comes to “connection sex.” It’s possible to just get each other for all we are worth and not really connect hearts and souls.
    One of the problems today is that we are able to talk anonymously about sex via the internet. Some advantages in that, I must admit, but often this creates in us the feeling that we are missing out on a lot. It is likely we are? but I submit that if you train yourself to savor each other from head to toe, you can skip the Orgasm and still enjoy deep connection.
    Many people in describing sexual experiences say a lot about high arousal. Usually it is connected with a certain body style, big boobs, sexy legs, sensitive erogenous zones and trim stomach. While all that may be possible and good there is so much more to connection than the whole body voluptuous and multiple orgasms for either him or her. Orgasm is not he only way to deep satisfaction.
    There is more to life and sex than Orgasm. We learned this through the years. When my wife and I were on our anniversary cruise for 8 days with 35 years of marriage behind us, we enjoyed connecting sexually twice a day for 30-45 minutes without orgasm. No foreplay or lube needed. We were always ready to go. We saved the orgasm and savored sexual connection. I will say, This is a learned process and not easy but was surprising how much it delivered in joy. You see the big O is not orgasm but oxytocin. Harness this hormone for better and deeper sexual connection.
    Though not from a Christian perspective you need to read “Peace Between the Sheets” by Marnia Robsinson. This greatly enhanced our view of sex and truly connecting in that whole wonderful process.
    Intimacy is not necessarily enhanced by the hot pursuit of Orgasm. It is enhanced by gentle loving connection that focuses on your mate.

    • It is interesting to think about the effects of Oxytocin and how they impact intimacy. I actually have a homework assignment for husbands to have give their wife a freebie. One of the reasons is so that they will understand how bonding sex can be without orgasm and how drawn to their wife. They will cuddle and touch their wives instead of rolling over and passing out.

  2. Easier said than done. My stay at home wife (empty nesters) is so inefficient at chores that she doesn’t give time for “connection sex” I am tired and go to bed at 9:30. She claims she is tired but comes to bed after me. She doesn’t initiate so I am either already asleep or dowsing off. Morning sex is off table because I get up and walk the dog and when I get back she is busily walking around the house inefficiently getting her day started and it’s rinse and repeat.

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