I began the series on beauty by sharing the story of a husband’s concern for his wife who seemed uncomfortable when he watched her undress. I’ve spent the last several posts sharing my story about embracing my beauty in order to help other women. Realizing how my past shaped my self-image, that baggage created insecurities, that I am God’s unique and beautiful creation, and that practical choices made a difference, helped me embrace my beauty. Though a husband cannot convince his wife that she is beautiful, he can help his wife believe he thinks she is beautiful.
Respect Her Wishes
Our story started with a husband asking what he should do if his wife seemed uncomfortable when he looked at her boobs while she undressed. Though I steadfastly believe that a husband feasting is eyes on his wife is God’s good design to affirm her beauty, not all women are there yet. In the meantime, God calls husbands to love their wife like Christ loved the church. Jesus gave up himself for us and I believe husbands are called to do the same for their wife. If your wife hates your eyes on her, are you willing to give up looking at her, in order to make her feel loved?
I can imagine a husband having a conversation with his wife something like,
“When you get dressed, I can’t keep my eyes off of you. I think your body is totally amazing! But it seems like sometimes you feel uncomfortable. Loving you is more important than being able to look at your body. If you want me stop watching, I want to respect your wishes. I want you to always feel loved and respected.”
The same attitude goes for grabbing parts of her body, or making comments about her body. If she truly doesn’t like it and she has communicated as much, then stop. Ask her how it makes her feel when you do it, empathize and love her through your actions.
You have to earn her trust and respect before she can freely share herself, and isn’t that what you want?
Keep Your Eyes and Thoughts on Her Only
A husband faces an uphill battle in gaining his wife’s trust with her body. Women have experienced too many men gawking, whistling, making fun of, or using a woman’s body. We know that men lust after images of porn or just visually undress women in their mind for their own gratification.
One of the most important things my husband has done since the beginning of our marriage was to battle lust. Without me even asking, he guarded his eyes during movies, or ads on TV. Until you take lust seriously and squash out every last bit, you will never gain real freedom. You cannot stop looking at porn and allow your eyes to wander on the woman jogging down the street. Your wife wants to know that you only think about her. She wants to be your only measure of beauty.
Speak What You Think About Her
Remember how I talked about God’s amazing design; a man has eyes that look at his wife and say, “Wow!”, while a woman’s deepest desire is to feel beautiful? Well, it doesn’t work unless you start expressing what you think about her with your words.
When I finally started embracing my beauty, I remember having a really hard conversation with my husband. I told him, “I really want to believe that I am beautiful, but if I am going to believe it, I need to hear you say it. I need you to tell me when I look beautiful.” And he replied, “Don’t I tell you all the time?”
Now I don’t know if he had been telling me and I just didn’t hear it, or if he had been thinking it, and not speaking it out loud. Since that conversation, my husband has become a big part of helping me embrace my beauty, and I love it!
But your wife does not want you telling her she’s beautiful because Ruth said to say it more often. What she really wants is for you to take what you are thinking in your head, and speak it out loud to her. Your wife wants to know even your thoughts.
See All of Her
When I think about embracing beauty, I can’t help but think of Song of Songs and the passages where he admires her body with his words. Rather than just focusing on his favorite erotic zone he admires her from her feet to the top of her head.
Your wife wants to know that you love all of her, not just her boobs. You have to see and appreciate every part of her, especially as her body changes. If you keep your eyes pure and she becomes your standard of beauty, then you will love every curve, wrinkle, stretch mark, and unique feature you discover. See all of her.
Match Your Wife’s Growth
Your wife sharing her body with you is as vulnerable as you sharing your fears and failures with her. Yet it is what most husbands desire most. Here is the real kicker, what your wife desires most is that you share your insecurities, fears and failures with her. She wants you to be vulnerable with her. Don’t expect your wife to grow when you are not willing to grow too. In fact, you don’t need to wait for her, you can lead the charge. Have the courage to grow in order to meet her needs first.
Marriage is this amazing people growing machine to grow both husbands and wives. Though you can’t force your wife to grow, you can spur her on by growing yourself. Give up yourself for her, take your thoughts and eyes captive, use your words, see all of her and match your wife’s growth.
May God bless you as you lay down your life for your wife.