The Importance of Being Selfish During Sex

Recently I read Love Worth Making by sex therapist Stephen Snyder. Rather than focusing on the physical aspect of of getting enough blood pumping to create orgasm, he focuses on the interplay of relationship dynamics and their impact on sexual satisfaction. An area of sexuality hard to measure or even study in the laboratory most women intuitively understand its importance. For us, the majority of excitement comes from our mind – how we feel about ourselves, how connected we are to our spouse and what we believe about sex. A key concept Snyder addresses is the importance of being selfish during sex

Mind Shift

That might sound a little strange at first, especially for men. Teaching usually focuses on learning to love your spouse by asking what feels good, studying them, and putting them first. These are all good and important principles; especially as young couples learn about each other.

But we also know that one of the most erotic moments during love making happens when our spouse lets and gives us a peek into their own excitement. Them desperately asking for the push they need to finish, or finally letting their body take over and move like it wants to, arouses us. Seeing our spouse get excited, gets us excited. Seeing them go after what they want, makes us hot. Selfishness feeds passion. Without it, sex feels mundane.

Can you imagine if every time you had sex, your spouse asked, “what can I do for you?” or “show me what you like?”

Maybe if they never asked before…, or once in a while… but what if they asked every time. How would that feel?

A spouse constantly striving to meet your needs would seem boring after a while. Rather than feeling wanted or desired, you would feel like they were meeting a duty or an obligation.

Do It Because You Want To

I often tell husbands; your wife does not want you to give her oral sex just to give her an orgasm. She wants you to explore, tease and devour her because you can’t help yourself, you love it so much. Your wife wants to know that you desire her. If you don’t like doing it, don’t do it. If you like doing it, then act like it. Giving oral sex should almost feel selfish because you enjoy it as much as her. It doesn’t matter if it is what you are doing to them, having them do to you, or doing together, you should enjoy it too.

The other morning as my husband and I lingered in bed I asked my husband what he wanted to do.  Immediately he tantalizingly described the position he wanted us to end up in. But when I asked him why, all of his answers had to do with why it was advantageous to me. Though I love my husband’s thoughtfulness, I gently explained that I would love to hear why he loved the position. For himself, not for me.

Selfishness Takes Courage

Being selfish takes courage. Sharing what you like or why you like something can back fire. Vulnerably exposing your desires can lead to scrutiny or ridicule. If every reaction from your spouse causes you to crumble, then you will crawl into a hole and hide. When you know and understand that you are God’s amazing creation filled with creative ideas and born into His freedom, then we develop a resilience to share ourselves openly. Sometimes things fall into place and you experience passion and intimacy beyond your expectations. Other times things don’t go quite as planned and afterwards you talk it through or laugh about it. But if we never share ourselves, then we settle for safe, vanilla, boring sex.

In order to create passion in your marriage bed, you need to be a little selfish. To let loose and say, “I want to ….” To do things to your spouse because you love to and not because you have to. To selfishly enjoy the touch of both giving and receiving. Dare to create passion in your marriage bed by being selfish.


Comments 3

  1. How true! And yet how difficult to do!
    I think this approach works best when both are on the same page and able to equally express what they like and how they want to go about it.
    I can sooo understand Jim!
    My wife often tells me that I am a very unselfish lover. There is something about it (being recognized as unselfish) as a man hat makes us feel honorable and respectable.
    If my wife truly would like me to act a bit more selfish in bed, I wish she would say that some times. I usually feel guilty just for expressing desire when she may not be in the same mood. I still do it occasionally but don’t feel all that great about myself if it ends up leading to sex but she never really got into it.
    I love it when my wife expresses what she wants and goes for it, but does so not just with herself in mind.

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