Raising kids is hard! Even though I am now an empty nester, I remember well the days of changing diapers, wiping spit-up off my clothes and interrupted nights of sleep. With 4 kids under the age of 6, I wish I had known then what I know now about sex. Surviving those years, I often felt isolated, exhausted, and on opposite teams from my husband. Sex always seemed to be the last thing on my “to do” list. I found myself feeling resentful when Jim would gently coax me towards connection. Though I am sure some practical choices might have helped for a while, they would have just acted like a band-aid that eventually falls off. What I really needed was a whole new mindset toward sex.
My Distorted Lens
Creating a new mindset started when I realized how many things had impacted how I viewed sex, and what I believed about my husband. My lens toward sex was totally distorted. In order to embrace the truth, I had to discard the lies. Many things impact how women feel about sex.
- The awkward talks we received from our family.
- The silence from the church.
- Lessons about boys having no self-control
- Medias portrayal of husbands begging their wife for sex
- Purity messages consisting solely of “Don’t do it”
- Modesty messages that make us responsible for the purity of boys
- Marriage books repeatedly expounding the importance of sex for men without addressing women’s needs
All of these messages leave us feeling like sex is just something that we do for our husbands. When we have kids and a million other things to do, sex ends up at the bottom of the barrel.
But our lens about sex has been skewed. God never intended that sex would suck the life out of us. He intended that becoming one with our husband would bring us life. Read Song of Songs and pay attention to her role vs his. In a culture when women were treated very differently than men, she acts as an equal their marriage bed. She asks for what she wants, initiates an outdoor adventure, expresses herself and even admires his body.
She says things like Song of Songs 1:2,
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—
for your love is more delightful than wine.
More relaxing than a glass of wine is connecting with her husband.
Or Song of Songs 1:13-14
My beloved is to me a sachet of myrrh
resting between my breasts.
My beloved is to me a cluster of henna blossoms
from the vineyards of En Gedi.
His sweet aroma resting between her breasts makes her long for him all day. He is her En Gedi, her oasis. When she faces hard things, she looks forward to escaping with her beloved. Sex is as important to her as it is to her husband. We have to embrace mutuality as a new mindset.
God designed sex to refresh us and not as another thing on our “to do” list. Enjoying sex together should unite us with our husband and help get us on the same team for the day to day battle of raising kids. Maybe God meant sex to be a way to escape the chaos and to remember who we are. Maybe we need to figure out the truth about sex now instead of waiting for the kids to grow up.
I write often about God’s design for sex
As women bombarded by lies, we must constantly hang onto God’s truth about sex. As you dispel the lies from the world and embrace God’s truth, then sex becomes a way to survive the long days of raising small kids. Changing your mindset about sex is the first step towards making sex a lasting priority in your marriage.
What has helped you change your mindset about sex?
Next time – 10 Practical Tips to Make Sex a Priority While Raising Kids.