Balance of Independence and Dependence During Sex

A woman who could easily orgasm shared her frustration about her husband’s lack of interest in sex. Many reasons exist for a lack of interest, but her utter confidence in her own satisfaction, made me wonder if that had impacted her husband’s drive. Maybe he didn’t really feel needed, and don’t we all want to feel needed. Great sex requires a balance of independence during sex, and dependence on each other. Just like our relationship with God.

Even though God wants us to depend on Him, we also must do our part. We don’t just pray about getting healthy. We must choose to eat healthy food and exercise. Rather than just expecting God to heal us from past experiences, we go through a process of talking about it, choosing to forgive, and steps of faith. Yes, we need God, but we must take a step. Like the paralyzed man that Jesus asked, “Do you want to get well? Then get up, pick up your mat and walk”. Jesus did not stand him up. The man had to believe and stand up. During sex, we also need  both independence and dependence.

Independence

To enjoy sex, we need to understand how our bodies work and what feels good. Communicating requires that we love ourselves enough to know that our desires matter. When we can settle our insecurities than we can confidently initiate and express ourselves. Gaining freedom from performance pressure allows us to connect during sex, rather than worry. In order to have great sex, two confident healthy people need to show up.

Dependence

But dependence on each other during sex creates the real memories. When a husband slays his wife, he feels like he could conquer the world. When a wife leaves her husband in a state of incoherence, she marvels at herself. Joy comes from the pleasure we give to each other.

Opening yourself up to enjoy what another offers, requires great trust. To surrender and let go of control during sex you must know that they love you as much as they love themselves. When you do, you experience something you could never experience on your own – oneness.

Final Thoughts

What if your spouse didn’t ever really need you during sex? They could just take care of themselves and happily rely on themselves. Don’t we want to be needed somehow.

What if your spouse constantly depended on you during sex? If you didn’t touch them just right, say all the right things, and create magic then you were to blame. Imagine the pressure.

Neither plan works very well. Great sex happens when two confident, independent people show up and share themselves. Great sex happens when your spouse can do magical things to you that you never dreamed of in a million years. Great sex requires a balance of independence and dependence.

Comments 3

  1. This is beautifully stated, particularly this part:

    “But dependence on each other during sex creates the real memories. When a husband slays his wife, he feels like he could conquer the world. When a wife leaves her husband in a state of incoherence, she marvels at herself. Joy comes from the pleasure we give to each other.

    Opening yourself up to enjoy what another offers, requires great trust. To surrender and let go of control during sex you must know that they love you as much as they love themselves. When you do, you experience something you could never experience on your own – oneness.”

    So perfectly said!

  2. I’m in conversation with higher-drive wives a lot, and this stuck out to me: “…her utter confidence in her own satisfaction, made me wonder if that had impacted her husband’s drive. Maybe he didn’t really feel needed, and don’t we all want to feel needed.” Would we ever say about a husband that just his ability to climax more easily indicated that she wasn’t needed or valued? HD wives do often feel more confident and aroused than their husbands, but they also feel interdependent in their longing and desire for them. How would you answer them?

    • A husband that can orgasm even when his wife is going through the motions, or is experiencing pain during sex is saying that connection with his wife is not necessary nor his primary concern. Connection with his wife is not needed in order to achieve orgasm, and that can make a wife less interested in sex.

      I am not saying that it is wrong for women to know and understand their own body, just like a husband does. But I think that we all yearn for something more than just getting to the finish line.

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