What does it take to create an amazing sex life?
It takes two sexually confident people, showing up and sharing themselves. Though you can’t change your spouse, you can work on yourself. We all have plenty to work on, so here are 8 Characteristics of a Sexually Confident Spouse.
A sexually confident person has moved beyond the purity messages of “don’t do it” or any shame connected with sex, to understanding God’s design and treat sex as an amazing gift from God that must be treasured, valued and prioritized. Decisions about sex are made as a couple with God. Regardless of hormones or drive, they choose to connect on a regular basis, and have no doubt that God blesses their sex life.
Loves Them Self
In order to share yourself you must love yourself like God loves you. Knowing that God created you unique and stunningly beautiful gives you the confidence to share your body. Understanding your own body helps you embrace your sexuality. Being honest about your needs is a way that we honor ourselves. When you can trust your own body, it gives you the confidence to get out of the way and enjoy what happens during sex.
Values their Spouse
A sexually confident person values their spouse by showing respect, learning to love them and by cherishing them. When their spouse hurts, they hurt. Giving their spouse pleasure during sex doesn’t come from guilt, duty or repaying a debt. They just love doing it! One of their greatest thrills is helping send their spouse to the moon and back. Watching their spouse’s pleasure gives them pure joy and creates excitement for both of them.
Talks About Sex
The ability to talk about sex does not come easily for most of people, but it provides an important tool to both work on sex, and to create fun and excitement. Sexually confident couples have learned to move beyond awkward conversations about necessary changes. They know how to easily converse about their spouse’s desires or what feels enjoyable and exciting to them. A sexually confident couple looks forward to conversations about sex and can create anticipation and excitement through their words.
If God designed sex as a way to know each other, then husbands and wives always have more to learn. A sexually confident person doesn’t think, “if it ain’t broke then don’t fix it”. They have a natural curiosity and a constant desire to discover more. They want to learn more about their spouse during sex and how to intimately connect. During sex they aren’t afraid to change the status quo and learn something new.
Creating a great sex life requires resilience. A sexually confident spouse learns to handle feedback, correction or redirection without taking things personally. Staying steady and loving in the face of high emotions and insecurities reassures their spouse that they can trust them. Handling rejection with tender loving care proves that they are more interested in connection then in a sexual release. The more resilient they become, the more their spouse opens up. Being resilient requires a person to get their worth from God – even during sex.
A sexually confident person embraces freedom in the marriage bed by dealing with past hurts, guilt or resentment. They don’t shy away from the hard work of recovery from porn, sexual abuse or even bad messages about sex. As they experience healing they take steps of freedom like expressing desires or allowing their body to respond. Rather than just hinting or tip toeing around, they fearlessly ask for what they want and fuel passion. They can try new things even when initially it doesn’t feel comfortable. It’s not that things don’t feel scary sometimes, its that they choose to take baby steps towards freedom.
Sexually confident people move beyond performance pressure or mechanics to experience the exquisite delight of sexual connection. Being present – mind, body and soul – allows them to let go of expectations, worry, or anxiety and learn to just be. Intimate connection happens though eye to eye contact, learning to feel each other, hearing each other’s breath, and slowing down. Being present means you aren’t afraid to linger, or even to just be still.
Having great sex requires two sexually confident people to show up and share themselves. Fueled by curiosity and stabilized with resilience they discover an infinite number of ways to show each other love and express themselves. Their sexual repertoire may express comfort, light hearted fun, daring confidence, the pounding of bodies and the sweet merging of souls. Freedom abounds because they both have done their own work to embrace God’s gift. They remain sensitive to the other while fueling passion with their own wants and desires. They value the journey as much as the finish line – and sometimes all they need is “to be” together.
Recently I have really been working on becoming more resilient during sex. What are you working on to become a more sexually confident spouse?