Becoming a Sexually Confident Spouse

What does it take to create an amazing sex life?

It takes two sexually confident people, showing up and sharing themselves. Though you can’t change your spouse, you can work on yourself. We all have plenty  to work on, so here are 8 Characteristics  of a Sexually Confident Spouse.

Includes God

A sexually confident person has moved beyond the purity messages of “don’t do it” or any shame connected with sex, to understanding God’s design and treat sex as an amazing gift from God that must be treasured, valued and prioritized. Decisions about sex are made as a couple with God. Regardless of hormones or drive, they choose to connect on a regular basis, and have no doubt that God blesses their sex life.

Loves Them Self

In order to share yourself you must love yourself like God loves you. Knowing that God created you unique and stunningly beautiful gives you the confidence to share your body. Understanding your own body helps you embrace your sexuality. Being honest about your needs is a way that we honor ourselves. When you can trust your own body, it gives you the confidence to get out of the way and enjoy what happens during sex.

Values their Spouse

A sexually confident person values their spouse by showing respect, learning to love them and by cherishing them.   When their spouse hurts, they hurt. Giving their spouse pleasure during sex doesn’t come from guilt, duty or repaying a debt. They just love doing it! One of their greatest thrills is helping send their spouse to the moon and back. Watching their spouse’s pleasure gives them pure joy and creates excitement for both of them.

Talks About Sex

The ability to talk about sex does not come easily for most of people, but it provides an important tool to both work on sex, and to create fun and excitement. Sexually confident couples have learned to move beyond awkward conversations about necessary changes. They know how to easily converse about their spouse’s desires or what feels enjoyable and exciting to them.  A sexually confident couple looks forward to conversations about sex and can create anticipation and excitement through their words.

Curious

If God designed sex as a way to know each other, then husbands and wives always have more to learn. A sexually confident person doesn’t think, “if it ain’t broke then don’t fix it”. They have a natural curiosity and a constant desire to discover more. They want to learn more about their spouse during sex and how to intimately connect. During sex they aren’t afraid to change the status quo and learn something new.

Resilient

Creating a great sex life requires resilience. A sexually confident spouse learns to handle feedback, correction or redirection without taking things personally. Staying steady and loving in the face of high emotions and insecurities reassures their spouse that they can trust them. Handling rejection with tender loving care proves that they are more interested in connection then in a sexual release. The more resilient they become, the more their spouse opens up. Being resilient requires a person to get their worth from God – even during sex.

Fearless

A sexually confident person embraces freedom in the marriage bed by dealing with past hurts, guilt or resentment. They don’t shy away from the hard work of recovery from porn, sexual abuse or even bad messages about sex. As they experience healing they take steps of freedom like expressing desires or allowing their body to respond. Rather than just hinting or tip toeing around, they fearlessly ask for what they want and fuel passion. They can try new things even when initially it doesn’t feel comfortable. It’s not that things don’t feel scary sometimes, its that they choose to take baby steps towards freedom.

Present

Sexually confident people move beyond performance pressure or mechanics to experience the exquisite delight of sexual connection. Being present – mind, body and soul – allows them to let go of expectations, worry, or anxiety and learn to just be. Intimate connection happens though eye to eye contact, learning to feel each other, hearing each other’s breath, and slowing down. Being present means you aren’t afraid to linger, or even to just be still.

Final Thoughts

Having great sex requires two sexually confident people to show up and share themselves. Fueled by curiosity and stabilized with resilience they discover an infinite number of ways to show each other love and express themselves. Their sexual repertoire may express comfort, light hearted fun, daring confidence, the pounding of bodies and the sweet merging of souls. Freedom abounds because they both have done their own work to embrace God’s gift. They remain sensitive to the other while fueling passion with their own wants and desires. They value the journey as much as the finish line – and sometimes all they need is “to be” together.

Recently I have really been working on becoming more resilient during sex. What are you working on to become a more sexually confident spouse?

Comments 10

  1. Wow Ruth! Such a nice posting to wake up to 1st thing I opened in my email! Thank you for putting God at the forefront. I think all the delicate things you have been discussing lately on your blog about the importance of finishing our spouse through oral sex…I think that is where I really struggle with. You are so right Ruth being brought up and being active in church and being part of prayer groups I think most Christians think that it is wrong to experiment and just let our hair down and drown out what the world has taught us has been wrong but OK to do while married!

  2. This is a beautiful post Ruth, thank you. Your second sentence about focusing on and working on myself is such a great reminder.
    You asked what I am working on. I am working on accepting and loving my wife right where she is. That does not mean I am resigning or becoming helpless or hopeless, I mean only that Jesus accepts and loves me right where I am as hard as that might be! And I desire to be able to do likewise from a whole heart.

  3. Ruth,. I do hope lots of people read this. Your post that is, not mine. It deserves s wide audience. I am working on the usual … how to start a conversation with my wife, not knowing where it will go and not feeling bitter.
    As you have said many times, I can only work on myself.

  4. I continue to work on understanding my husbands perpective of feeling accepted in his ADHD mind. And something I just read in your post opened a window in my thoughts. I forage tidbits from podcasts about ADHD and read your blog, every so often a few tidbits converge into a complete thought. It feels like a window was open and a fresh breeze blows through my mind.
    God is really good to all of us. I hear from the ADHD experts at ADDitude that my husband’s brain does not process time the way my brain does. His processing is much more streamlined. It’s now or not now. We eat now. We do not eat now. So your well thought out post has started me thinking of more ramifications for his way of thinking. Such as how my actions could convey a “not now” signal or a “yes now” signal to him. My grandmother was right, she said the most important things in life can’t be touched by out hands.

  5. Such a truly AMAZING blog! I love Awaken Love as it has awoken me! It has allowed me to understand my husband’s love language that I never knew before. I think when you talk about taking baby steps in your link to oral sex, letting my husband finish and allowing myself to get a facial from him was a huge baby step. I was no where near that or even finishing…one more thing any way your book will be at Christian book stores or Barnes and Noble besides Amazon? You are truly AMAZING Ruth!

    • Thanks for sharing how Awaken Love has helped strengthen your marriage.
      I don’t have any plans to try to get Awaken Love into book stores. For self-published authors, my guess is that it doesn’t happen very often.

  6. Ruth, I love that you include many links in your postings…it is so much fun and enlightening reading all of the previous posts that may be relating to the one on hand. I find myself reading multiple ones at a time along with the comments and your follow ups. Wow! You are so knowledgeable and such a great writer. So much great info for the Christian mindset. Thank you!

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