Where a husband wants to finish during oral or manual sex can stir up a land mine of emotions for wives. Some women love the passion of experiencing their husband in new ways. Others hold fear, disgust, discomfort or reservation about opening up options. Navigating the topic of where your husband finishes requires care, sensitivity, open communication, honesty, and trust. Whether or not your husband has broached the topic, I have a few ideas that might provide clarity.
Porn has done much to confuse us about the motivation of our husbands. Because we know that porn depicts men degrading women, we can suspect our husband wanting to do the same. Porn can make oral sex seem like an act of self-gratification instead of intimate love making. If our husband has seen porn, we wonder about his motivation. Does he long to connect and share himself or is he trying to recreate a scene from porn.
Even our spouse repeatedly sharing unrealistic expectations of what sex should look like can feel unloving and selfish. God never intended that we pressure each other into certain acts. Sex should be an expression of our love for each other and of sharing ourselves – not a guilt trip. Growth takes time and adding pressure does not help.
Motivation matters. God intended that we get to know each other though sex, not imitate what we have seen. But if we exclude everything we see in porn, we would have nothing left.
Honest conversation can help shed light on motivation. Answers like, “If you loved me you would…”, carry manipulation. But what if your husband told you, “I feel so loved when you…”, or “I love to watch because it helps me stay connected to you”, or “knowing that you love all of my body, not only makes me feel loved, but gives me courage to be more vulnerable.” Take time to ask for a deeper understanding and don’t just make assumptions about your husband’s motivation.
Ultimately, I believe that sex is about loving and respecting each other. If something feels disrespectful or degrading, then don’t do it. Forcing yourself to do something you detest will only lead to more disconnection, bitterness, and ultimately teach you to hate sex.
But if your husband has pure motivations about where he wants to finish, then pray and consider the validity and vulnerability of sharing his desire with you. Share with him your desire to grow, ask for patience in the journey and commit to small steps of growth.
Though our husbands feel quite comfortable with every part of their bodies – including their semen – most wives are not. Many of us still view our own vulva and natural juices with disgust. So why wouldn’t we view our husband’s body through the same lens.
But God created your husband’s body. He created his penis, the wrinkled sack that holds his testicles, and even the semen that courses through his body. While we might think it strange when they strut their stuff, maybe husbands aren’t the ones that need to grow – we are.
How much shame do we still hold around the topic of sex when we grimace in disgust at the view of our own sexual part? If we want to experience God’s freedom during sex, maybe we need to first appreciate the amazing bodies that God gave us, and then learn to embrace our husband’s.
Take steps to embrace your own body, by looking at your vulva, or even tasting yourself.
Sometimes resistance to certain acts simply comes from unfamiliarity. If you want to grow in comfort, then move at your own pace. You want to create positive experiences that will build to create more positive experiences. Take baby steps toward your goal and don’t move forward until you can relax and really enjoy what your are doing.
Much like learning to love a new food requires repeated exposures by seeing, smelling, feeling, and tasting, learning to love oral sex may require the same. Forcing a child to eat can repel them to the point of gagging. But consistent playful, low pressure exposures to many different foods can lead to not only a large repertoire of foods, but to confidence in trying new things.
So for example, he wants to finish in your mouth, some baby steps might be…
- Learn to enjoy just looking at and touching his penis
- Spend time just licking and exploring his penis with your mouth
- Learn to enjoy giving him oral sex without him finishing. I mean really enjoy it – not just do it. There are lots of things to learn about him, but also be aware of how you feel. Are you getting tense, is your jaw tired, do you feel resentful? Are you worried about whether he is enjoying it? Do you have the freedom to show him new experiences? Does it get you excited?
- Get comfortable with his semen. Finish him with your hand. Feel the warmth. Does it gross you out or repel you? Notice the warmth, the texture, how it smells. Gently clean him up with a tissue or towel afterwards.
- Taste his semen after he finishes on your hand. Just a small lick without having to swallow. How is it? Try this as many times as you want.
- Some women then move to letting him finish in their mouth without swallowing. Others learn that placement of his penis towards the back of the mouth can ease swallowing. Some just easily transition to loving swallowing.
But keep this in mind… If you want to learn something new, then you need to practice on a regular basis – not once a month as a special gift. When you want it for yourself, then you will commit the time. What a thrill when you get to the place where you love it as much as he does and his excitement builds your excitement.
In order to build trust in how your husband will finish, you most likely will need to have conversations outside of the bedroom. Although it might not feel very romantic, knowing that your husband will respect your wishes builds trust. You need to know that he can control himself for your sake and that he cares more about you than a certain act.
A respectful husband will follow your lead and wait for your invitation. But be prepared, how you feel about something might change in the heat of the moment. Passion tends to invite unfiltered expressions that fuel more excitement. If you want your respectful husband to enter into that domain, you will need to invite him in.
Planning doesn’t build a lot of passion, and neither does your husband constantly having to follow your lead. Once you’re comfortable with different acts and established trust, you may decide to set your husband loose. To tell him, “I trust you implicitly during sex and I know without a doubt that you would never try to degrade me, or hurt me. I want you to have the freedom to do what you want. Your excitement fuels my excitement.”
After constantly monitoring your comfort level, it might take time for your husband to believe that you want to set him free during sex, and he might not even remember how. If he spent years denying himself in consideration of you, learning how to listen to his body will take practice. Be patient and encouraging as both of you continue on a journey of the deepest kind of knowing.
Handing over the reins to let your husband finish where he wants is a journey of growth. It requires deep trust, confidence and vulnerability. But handing over the reins is a necessary step in creating the passionate marriage you want.
After all, watching our spouse get overcome by desire is one of the most intimate things they share. When watching our spouse let go, builds our own excitement, then we understand the verse 1 Cor 7:4, The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.
Denying themselves is yielding to their wife, but so is letting go, when it undoes us.