The most common sex questions is, “How do I have an orgasm during intercourse?” Most women struggle to consistently respond during intercourse. In fact some of us might never have an orgasm during intercourse. Regardless of whether you orgasm, I believe that we have much to learn in order to make intercourse more connecting and pleasurable. And when you go on a journey of discovery, you never know what you might find.
When I got married and had questions about sex, I bought a secular book, “For Yourself” by Lonnie Barbach. Like most secular books, it clearly communicated that the chance of having an orgasm during intercourse was pretty slim. Most women orgasm from stimulation of the clitoris, and intercourse simply does not provide the stimulation that we need. The book recommended focusing on what worked for a woman, and letting go of any expectation during intercourse.
So that’s what we did. We basically subscribed to the “she comes first” mantra. My husband would pleasure me and then afterwards finish inside of me. Intercourse became something for my husband and not something I looked forward to. We assumed that me finishing during intercourse would never happen so we stopped even trying.
Years later after reading a ton of books on sex, I recognized a huge divide between what secular books and Christian books teach. Most Christian books seem to make orgasm during intercourse the ultimate goal. Manual techniques are just a step in the progression to learn to respond during. Some books recommended the perfectly timed transition from foreplay to intercourse. Others suggested a strategic tilt of her hips as the magic formula. One Christian book proclaimed if a woman doesn’t orgasm during intercourse she has not surrendered to her husband. It is no surprise that women who don’t orgasm during intercourse can wonder what’s wrong with them.
As Christians, we need to be very careful not to create a hierarchy of sex. God created different ways to enjoy each other and one is not better than another. Don’t feel like you are not having “real sex” because you have not experienced orgasm during intercourse. Oral sex or manual stimulation is sex. It is not just foreplay.
But can we find a middle ground between giving up on intercourse and making orgasm during intercourse the ultimate goal.? Where we can grow and learn, without expectations or pressure that make us feel broken. A middle ground where we can embrace intercourse as a way that to intimately connect and experience pleasure – regardless of whether the wife has an orgasm.
So this series is not going to be about how to have an orgasm during intercourse. It is going to be about making intercourse a mutually fulfilling, way to connect – regardless of whether you have an orgasm.
So I want to start by helping you understand the reality of women.
Roughly 1/3 of women orgasm during intercourse hands free. 1/3 orgasm with some extra stimulation by a hand or vibrator, and 1/3 may never.
In another breakdown, roughly 1/3 of women orgasm during intercourse on a regular basis – but they do it all different ways. Sometimes they don’t need extra stimulation and other times they use their hand, his hand or a vibrator. About 1/3 of women orgasm sometimes – or when the stars align. They know they can do it, but gosh darn it, why not this time! And 1/3 may never orgasm during intercourse.
One study suggests that the distance between your clitoris and your vagina directly corresponds to your odds of orgasm during intercourse. The greater the distance, the less likely that a woman will orgasm during intercourse.
So does that mean that some women can’t orgasm during intercourse simply because of the shape of their body?
Not necessarily. Some women can orgasm through using their mind alone, or by flexing their PC muscles. The moment that we decide something is impossible is the moment that we make it an impossibility. So don’t give up. Stay open to the possibility.
A New Focus During Intercourse
The better question is, “Are you getting to know your spouse?” Because if everything clicked from the beginning, and you just keep doing what worked, are you still getting to know them?
That was where my husband and I had settled. We figured out what worked, and we stayed there for years, because it was a safe place. We didn’t have to talk about sex or fumble through awkward exploring.
But our sex life has changed drastically. We have gone from the tried and true of “here we go again”, to a smorgasbord of variety and a sense of “every time is new”.
So while I don’t think that having an orgasm during intercourse is the only “real way” to have sex, it can be a journey of getting to know each other that has many dimensions. Though you may or may not orgasm, if you enjoy the journey, you will certainly learn new things along the way, and create new pathways to pleasure.
So join me for a series on“How to make intercourse more enjoyable”.
Here are the ground rules….
- There is no “right way” to have sex – God created it all, and it is all good
- There is no magic formula – we are all very different
- Enjoy the journey – if you have become so goal focused or frustrated that you are not connecting with your spouse, than you need to take a step back. Focus on being present.
- Get rid of all preconceived notions of what intercourse looks like – what you see in the movies is what works for men. Allow yourself to explore outside of this box and find out what you enjoy.
- Let go of the control – don’t try so hard, just be present. Ask God to help you to relax and enjoy the ride
- Never say never – if you are one of those people that has never experienced an orgasm during intercourse, you need to know that it can still happen. In fact, I would say that you need to start imagining it happening. The minute you say it will never happen, is the minute that truth comes true.
For your next step read His and Her Kegels.
Rewritten from original post “The Big Question – How do I have an orgasm during intercourse?” dated 2/23/2015