How to Have Great Sex After 50 – For Wives

Why do some wives over the age of 50 say they are having the best sex of their lives? While others complain about a loss of libido, decreased responsiveness, and painful intercourse? What makes the difference? And how do I create a great sex life after 50?

My Story

Years ago, I had a hysterectomy due to medical reasons. Though the loss of my monthly cycle will not officially signal menopause, my body tells me I am done. I no longer have wide swings of sensitivity with my nipples, or sex dreams in the middle of my cycle. Hormonal swings don’t urge me towards connection with my husband. In fact, the best way to describe my libido would be as a straight line.

But if sex for a woman is 80% in our head, then I choose for my straight line to signify a constantly high drive instead of a constantly low drive. My attitude and mindset about sex make the biggest impact on whether I enjoy sex after 50. If I believe that God designed sex as a powerful way to unite my marriage, then I  know that I need to connect with Jim on a regular basis. Since sex provides comfort and refreshment for me, then I yearn for connection when I feel lonely, sad, or stressed out. I embrace sex as a way to discover and know my husband in a deeper intimate way. I choose to make sex a priority.

But even with the right mindset, sex after 50 still requires adjustments and hard work for both of you.  I don’t want to make it sound easy. At times you may feel discouraged and have to fight for your sex life. Women vary enormously in their experiences both approaching menopause and settling into menopause. But most of us deal with some kind of adjustment along the way. Though I don’t have all the answers, I want to share some principals that have helped me.

Take Care of Your Health

Once I reached 50, I soon realized that without regular exercise my body began to atrophy. No longer could I slack off, eat junk food and hibernate in the winters. I had to be intentional about exercising. Brisk walks, keeps me feeling good. Stretching keeps my joints loose. Standing at my computer instead of sitting is one of the everyday choices to stay fit.

I feel better when I eat meals packed with fresh fruits and vegetables. I watch my weight and keep moving. Sexual function depends on blood circulation. If you want to stay responsive then keep your blood flowing – even down there.

Regular Kegels, orgasms, and intercourse help to increase blood flow. Just like your body atrophies without regular exercise, your genitals atrophy without regular exercise.

If you want to enjoy life after 50, then you need to take care of your body. If you want to enjoy sex after 50 then the same rules apply.

Be Willing to Adjust

Sex at the age of 50 might look very different than it did at the age of 30, but that does not mean that it can’t be awesome. Your body is changing but if you are willing to adjust, you can still enjoy intimate physical connection on a regular basis.

My body simply does not respond the same way that it did when I was young. Some things have been great, like the fact that my clitoris does not get painfully sensitive after orgasm. But other things have been hard and confusing. Talking about the challenges with my husband kept Jim and I on the same team. But as I adjusted to my new body, self-exploration also helped.

Doing some private research projects helped me to re-establish confidence in my own body. Flexibility training helped me to expand on that. Once I regained confidence in my body, then I could relax more with my husband. When my head knew that my body was still capable of enjoyment, I could trust that with enough stimulation my body would respond. Take the time to adjust and get to know your new body.

Regular Connection After 50

After the age of 50, sex on a regular basis is more important than ever. Without hormones screaming for sex, I have to intentionally engage. Things work better when sex is fairly frequent. I feel connected to my husband, and like we could conquer the world. I smile at the memories we create. Sex makes our marriage completely different. When we are not having sex, I get cranky.

You might not have your hormones anymore to remind you, but you get to have sex whenever you want – even every day of the week.

More

Many women have a harder time getting to orgasm after the age of 50. Go ahead and grieve the loss of your young body. Then realize that change does not always have to be a bad thing. Maybe your changed body provides an opportunity for growth. What if you and your husband move beyond the familiar to learn something new?

Many women over the age of 50 require more _________ to orgasm. That might mean more physical stimulation. Oral or manual stimulation might need to ramp up.  You could also explore the use of a vibrator with your husband.

“More” might mean taking more time and enjoying the pleasures of extended gourmet sex.  Maybe you need more excitement than the same old, same old, and so you finally have the courage to go crazy. Or more connection during sex.

What if letting go of the expectation of orgasm finally helps you discover the sweetest connection during sex. Harder orgasms are a great excuse to change things up to create something new that is maybe even better than you ever imagined.

Look for Answers

Changes will come as you transition to enjoying sex after 50. Some doctors assume sex is not a big deal for older women. If sex matters to you and your doctor doesn’t seem concerned or helpful, then look for someone new.

Many of the challenges result from the decrease in estrogen. Lack of estrogen not only decreases natural lubrication, but causes your tissues to thin. Treatments like hormone replacement therapy, localized estrogen treatments, or vaginal suppositories of DHEA can help. Chris at the Forgiven wrote a great article on dealing with atrophy of the vulva. Even using natural oils like coconut oil or vitamin E can help make tissue more supple. Work with your doctor to find the right solution for you and don’t give up until you find relief.

Final Thoughts

Our sexual response depends on other factors besides physical stimulation and response. Our sexual response depends on our emotional connection with our spouse, and it depends on our beliefs about sex. Even though my aging body does not respond like it once did and I sometimes feel frustrated, I am having the best sex of my life.

Don’t give up, because of the physical challenges of aging. Embrace change as an opportunity for growth. Women in Menopause have taken Awaken Love and found a new lease on life. Discover the power of sex to create an amazing marriage and to help keep you young.

Affordable Help for Menopausal Women

One of the familiar challenges for menopausal women during sex is a lack of lubrication. Really the lack of lubrication is just one of the symptoms of reduced estrogen due to the natural aging process. Estrogen helps keep our tissue young and supple. Without it, things can quickly fall apart. Intercourse can become painful due to lack of lubrication. Thin tissue and bladder infections can become problematic. Decreased Estrogen causes all kinds of issues.

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The Pleasures of Morning Sex

As my husband and I have gotten older, we have learned to appreciate mornings sex for several reasons.  After a good night’s sleep, some of the aches and pains have receded and our bodies feel rested.  My brain slows down enough to put my “to do list” on the back burner for a while.  Hormones surge and bodies function best in the morning. And as I have gained confidence, I  appreciate seeing each other in the light of day and savoring those images. Consider taking advantage of morning sex and see what a difference it can make.

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Menopause – Sex Whenever I Want

One of the big pluses of having a hysterectomy or making it through menopause is the absence of my monthly friend. No more period to show up just as I am headed out for a week in the boundary waters. The flow of money for buying tampons and pads finally comes to a screeching halt. New pretty panties no longer end up covered in stains. And, I can have sex whenever I want, 365 days a year.

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COCONUT OIL – A Great Personal Lubrication

Coconut Oil – I love everything

about it !!!

I love to use it on my husband. I lube him up – his penis, his testicles, his perineum, all around the area – and it makes my hands glide silky smooth over him. Whether I am enjoying him with my hands, mouth, breasts or any other part of my body, a little bit of coconut oil makes

it a whole lot nicer.

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DON’T GIVE UP – Using a Vibrator

This week Julie Sibert over at Intimacy in Marriage posted a great article titled Encouraging Post menopausal women to not give up on sex….

In the article she shares an email from a post menopausal woman who discovered what a helpful tools vibrators can be. . As her menopausal body struggled to physically respond the vibrator added the extra physical stimulation to help her enjoy sex again. She felt excited as she and her husband could once again enjoy sex.

Vibrators

Vibrators have gradually become main stream for the general population. In the US over 50% of women have tried one at least once. The younger generation is much more open to their use than the older generation. Many of us did not grow up talking about sex or able to research  sex  on the internet. The idea of touching ourselves, participating in activities other than intercourse or using a vibrator is what “those other women” do, not us…

While sex is about more than having the biggest orgasm, God did intend wives to fully enjoy sex. Why else would He give us a clitoris?

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THE NEXT GENERATION

I probably know too much…

I hear the pain of a bride that saved herself until marriage, met the man of her dreams, fell in love, and fully gave herself  to him. I hear the pain of finding out her young husband isn’t all that interested in sex because years ago he had been seduced by the images in pornography. He would rather spend time with a screen than learn how to love his wife.

I hear the pain of a young mom once again answering to the effects of sexual abuse at the hands of her uncle. She thought she had dealt with it, but the pain in her voice and tears on her face say something else. Now with young children, the burden of protecting them rips open her wound in a new place.

I hear the cries of a generation growing up where living together before marriage is the answer to growing up in a broken home. Marriage is reserved as a capstone after experiencing as much of life as you can before settling down to the boring regimen of marriage to raise a family.

I hear the regret of the girl that succumbed to the power of turning a man’s head by using her body to feel loved, desired and needed. Struggling to find freedom with the man that God has now bound her to in marriage, she repents and asks God to erase the memories and make her new.

I hear the pain of growing up in a generation where watching porn as a couple is normal. Instead of making sex better by increasing intimacy, you make sex better by adding some new thrill or even person.

I hear the pain of living in a world where even pictures from phones can be photo shopped to remove your wrinkles and blemishes. No longer are you just comparing yourself to the stars in the magazines, but to your friends posting on Facebook.

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The Good News

aging coupleOne of my favorite authors on sex, David Schnarch, says what determines our response during sex is  a composite of three things – physical sensations, emotional connection, and our feelings about sex. Once you understand what this means, you will realize that as we age, we have many choices in determining whether sex gets better every year, or it completely falls off the map.

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FOLLOW UP

My surgery was super easy. Now I am just trying to stay patient as I allow the incisions in my vagina to heal and the stitches to dissolve.

It actually surprised me how little I feel the incision. Besides some general aching and itching, I don’t feel the incision at all. You hear how little feeling the vagina has, but I am not sure I really believed it. I guess it is a good thing considering the trauma the vagina experiences during childbirth.

As far as the restriction of “no sex for 4 weeks”….

My doctor was happy to clarify that what he really meant was “nothing in the vagina for 4 weeks”. Big difference in my book.

I am learning that it pays to ask. Doctors are often no better at talking about sex than we are. It is nice to know what your options are if you feel up to it. I think back to periods of medically restricted sex do to childbirth or other issues, and I wish I had been more proactive in asking for clarification. It is easy for periods of no sex, to lead to feeling disconnected. I think sometimes my husband subconsciously with draws in order to take the pressure off of me, and I end up just feeling lonely.

I just finished an awesome book called Kosher Lust by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach. One of the things he shares is how in the conservative Jewish faith they practice a period of abstinence each month that contributes to sustain the lust or passion in marriage. During this period of abstinence, the men focus on loving their wife with their words instead. When husband and wife are finally able to come together, there is already great expectation and the wife feels fully loved.

So during this period of waiting for my body to heal, my husband and I are trying to stay connected in other ways. We are stretching ourselves to use our words to arouse and love each other. We are intentionally leaning into each other rather than with drawing. We are enjoying the building of anticipation and the awakening of our body to sensuous feeling. We are intentionally looking at each other eye to eye as we love each other in new ways. And when we finally can, it is going to be great.

 

 

Another Adjustment

seam

Tomorrow I am having a simple surgical procedure to remove scar tissue from my vagina. The scar formed years ago in an area that was stitched up during childbirth. The scar didn’t really bother me until the last few years when menopause caused the thinning of tissue in my vagina. The ridge of scar tissue gradually become more raised and irritated the entire right side of my vulva. At times I experienced a dull ache and other times it was a sharp pain like an exposed nerve. My doctor explained that because the tissue and nerves are so intertwined in that area of our body, a small area of irritation can make the nerves and tissue of the whole area fire up.

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