Using Words to Fuel Passion During Sex

Words add excitement during sex. Women that masturbate often imagine what is being said to them. Even saying or imagining their own verbal enthusiasm can coax their body’s response. When my husband lets down his guard enough to ask for what his body aches for, it adds to my arousal in powerful ways. When our filters finally disappear, the “Oh yes!!”, “Don’t stop!” or “Harder” fuel passion. But what words can Christian couples use in the marriage bed?

Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

We should not use words to harm or tear down in our marriage bed, but instead words that benefit the other. For couples that rarely talk about sex, figuring out what words to use can be like tip-toeing across a hidden mine field.

Language takes on a life of its own, based on our past experiences. Words we use to vent anger or disgust feel unloving. Medical terms remind us of our last pelvic exam. Words that people used to hurt us re-open old wounds. The meaning of a word comes from its usage in our life as much as the definition itself.

If you want to use words to create excitement, then you need to figure out what words work. But rather than throw out every word or phrase the world has corrupted, discern what words are life giving, loving, honoring and add passion to your marriage. What words benefit your marriage bed?

Taboo Words

Is it possible that if you never personally experienced the word **** in a negative way, **** could be beneficial in the privacy of the marriage bed? **** represents what we cannot allow ourselves to say to each other in public. But within the context of the marriage bed, where we trust and love each other, the word takes on a different meaning. Using **** expresses the total letting down of one’s guard and entering into a place of total abandonment and passion. Used only for our marital intimacy.

I don’t know what your **** word is, nor would I prescribe one. Each couple gets to decide how they express a total letting go.   I am not encouraging the use of swear words. I am simply challenging us to discern what words benefit our marriage bed – just like what activities encourage our marriage beds.  Just because the world has corrupted words, does not mean that God forbids them within a loving sexual relationship.

That is the importance of having discussions with our spouse about what words turn us on and what words turn us off. We need to know and understand what words feel degrading, or hurtful, and what words might open a world of unfiltered passion and expression. Using words to create arousal is not about imitating something, but about freedom to let your spouse know how you feel.

Finding Your Language

Sit down and brainstorm about sexual words with your spouse.  On a piece of paper, make three lists. Every word to describe a woman’s sexual body parts, his body parts, or any type of sex. Think about slang terms, swear words, medical terms, or even your own versions. Individually cross out every term that feels like a turn off, and circle the turn-ons. Afterward talk about why the words are a turn off for you. Then share why the words are a turn on and when they are a turn on. Be sensitive and compassionate to your spouse as they share. Find some common ground, and challenge yourself to claim more ground.

God is a God of passion. How do we communicate passion during sex in marriage? Stepping outside of lukewarm can feel terrifying. What do we need to let go of, while we hang onto God?



Talking About Sex – Even in Kenya

On our mantle sits a hand painted African plate from a fundraiser for a girl’s school and orphanage in Kenya. From the time we met the founders, I always knew that one day Jim and I would make the long trek to visit the orphanage.

Maybe it is because I admired how one couple’s obedience to God’s calling could impact so many lives. From its’ humble beginnings in 2004, the orphanage now houses, feeds, clothes and educates over 120 girls. Or maybe the founder wore me down, after repeatedly telling me his girls needed to meet a woman that crossed boundaries into fields like Engineering and Woodworking. Or maybe… after putting it off for over 8 years because of our kid’s college tuition payments and ministry involvement with Awaken-Love, I just needed to trust God.

This month Jim and I went to the orphanage in Kenya and it was amazing!!

A hundred smiling faces greeted us with welcome songs and shaking each of our hands. These girls ages 4-18, are survivors and living testimonies to God’s goodness. The stories of their past include losing parents, having no food to eat, and surviving abuse. The girls are now filled with joy, love for each other and love for Jesus. They stretched me, provided opportunities to share my gifts and to enjoy theirs.

Sex Talk

After church on Sunday, I was given the opportunity to talk to the 7th, 8th and high schoolers about sex and relationships. Though the school wanted me to focus on waiting for sex until marriage, I wanted the girls to have at least a basic understanding of their bodies and sex. With 30 girls gathered around me and a piece of chalk, I began by drawing a picture of a woman’s body with her legs apart. As I explained about the 3 holes that we have and their function, I heard the sounds of wander coming from the girls. Drawing the clitoris, I shared that God gave us a part of our body created for no other reason besides pleasure. He wants wives to enjoy sex too.

Asking if they wanted me to draw a picture of the man, enthusiastic replies urged me on. “The front or the side I asked?”

“The front!”, they yelled. After drawing a sketch from the front with a non-erect penis, I continued by drawing the side view with a full erection. Silence filled the room as I talked about how a man’s penis goes into the vagina so his sperm can pass into the woman’s vagina in order to make a baby. I explained how God wants us to save not just sexual intercourse for marriage, but any intimate sharing or touching of each other’s bodies.

All of a sudden, the girl seated at my left, passed me a tiny folded up piece of paper.

Normally I might have just slid the paper into my pocket to prevent distraction, but today God was doing something. I paused from speaking and carefully unwrapped the paper and read out loud,

“People say when you have sex while standing you will not get pregnant”


It was the first of many small notes that would make their way across the room. Real questions, coming from real girls in Kenya. Some asked because of the lie’s boys use to manipulate girls to have sex. Others were raw questions from experiences they had seen or had done. Some questions, were simply things they didn’t understand.

I felt honored that these girls trusted me enough to ask. As my comfort level with the topic of sex set them at ease, an outsider provided the perfect opportunity to find out the answers.

Later in the session I shared about God’s design for sex within marriage. Rather than just telling them “Don’t do it”, I wanted to give them something to wait for. I talked about mutuality, oneness, knowing and that God intended sex as a way to comfort each other.

Waiting for Marriage

Afterwards I shared some tangible ways that will help them wait until marriage to have sex. In the culture of Kenya, these girls face an uphill battle to wait. Many girls get married or pregnant as teens. They will need to trust and depend on God as they make choices. If they want to wait, they will have to avoid situations where men might take advantage of them. Staying focused on education and their goals will have to take precedence over the flirtations of a boy. They must think carefully about what kind of man they want to marry and settle for nothing less. And they will need to help each other by getting into each other’s business, asking hard questions, and reminding each other about what is important.

Whether in Kenya, or the United States, we must provide safe places for girls to learn about sex, hear God’s truth and have their questions answered. Though I was only a part of these girls lives for a short time, I am praying that my talk acts as just another building block in helping these girls understand God’s truth. Who would have thought I would be talking to girls in Africa about sex.

Practicalities of Talking About Sex in the Church

The world is screaming at us about sex. Non stop sexual advertising, pornography, TV shows and movies all constantly communicate the worlds standards and ideas. The church remains shockingly silent. Which in itself communicates something about sex, doesn’t it?The only way for the church to take sex back for the world is to start talking about sex. And not just in vague spiritual ways. People are looking for real answers!

You don’t wait for your pastor to lead the charge. They have their own brokenness they are dealing with. If you know and understand God’s truth about sex, then you need to start talking about sex. With your kids, your friends, and people  you mentor. We have to speak the truth about sex , but how?


Talking About Sex in the Church – Walking the Tightrope

I have taught sex classes to Christian men and women for over 6 years. I have also written pretty detailed instruction articles on the blog for everything from oral sex, to frenulum orgasm, to how to enjoy intercourse. Along the way I have wrestled with what topics I should address and what felt like too much. At what point would I lose my audience because I wanted to educate and provide answers? Where is the line between respectful instruction and graphic detail? How do I vulnerably share the struggles and triumphs of working on my own sex life without letting people into my bedroom?

The lines for teaching about sex require careful discernment and humility. Though you may never  teach sex classes, I believe that only ways Christians can take sex back from the world, is by talking about sex. Like Juli Slattery says in Rethinking Sexuality, instead of letting the world disciple us about sex, the church, meaning us, need to disciple others about sex. We have to learn to talk about sex and walk the tight rope between helpful information, and going too far.


Talking About Sex in the Church – RETHINKING SEXUALITY

After 6 years of teaching Awaken-Love to Christian wives and husbands, I am painfully aware of the need to talk about sex in the church. But we cannot limit ourselves to just talking about sex within marriage. God created us as sexual beings from the time we were born. We need to understand what the bible says about all areas of sexuality and even equip ourselves to minister to others.  Dr. Juli Slattery has written an amazing book and curriculum called Rethinking Sexuality that is both grounded in truth and steeped in grace.


Understanding and Handling a “No” – Sexual Rejection

Those of us bold enough to initiate sex will eventually hear the dreaded word “no” from our spouse. How we react to that “no” will either move us toward disconnection or create greater intimacy in marriage. Though hearing a “no” is never easy and can literally throw us into a tail spin, we have the power to choose how we react. We can refuse to make the “no” personal and instead lean into connection regardless of whether we have sex.


Don’t Shoot Yourself in the Foot – Encourage Your Husband

As much as we want our husbands to be more romantic, work on intimacy or better meet our needs, we have a hard time not shooting ourselves in the foot. Even when our husband tries, we complain, or negate their attempts until eventually they just give up. The best way to encourage growth in your husband is to get excited about the small steps he takes.


Does Your Husband Initiate Sex?

I have this theory that in many marriages, wives train their husband not to initiate sex until we give the signal that we are open for business. We like to control our lives, including when and where we have sex. So, we develop subtle, or not so subtle signals. Maybe we linger as we kiss, or we touch more than usual, or we just tell him, “do you want to have sex tonight?” And our husband simply waits.


Creating Community at Awaken-Love

When I first found Christian sex blogs, I quickly realized that I learned as much from reading the comments as from the articles. The information authentically shared by individuals gave me a window into the struggles and triumphs of men and women just like me and my husband. But this window didn’t just inform me, it spurred me on towards growth. As I heard the testimonies of others I began to believe that God could change me too. Community creates growth, whether in person during an Awaken-Love class or anonymously on the Awaken-Love blog.


The Importance of Dreaming

This weekend I met a young mom at a craft fair selling beautiful pottery and we struck up a conversation. I shared that I also used to create things during naptime to help keep my sanity as a young mom. When I admitted that I don’t get down to the woodshop much anymore, she asked, “So what do you do now?”

Without missing a beat, my oldest daughter replied, “She’s writing a book.”

“What about?”, she asked.

In a split moment I had to discern, am I supposed to tell her what I really do?

“The book is going to be about sex. I actually teach sex classes to Christian Wives”, I quietly offered.

“That’s awesome!”, she said, “It is so needed! I would totally be interested in something like that. I’ve got to introduce you to my husband!”

As she enthusiastically shared with her husband what I do, I heard him quietly say, “I thought we were doing okay.”