Words add excitement during sex. Women that masturbate often imagine what is being said to them. Even saying or imagining their own verbal enthusiasm can coax their body’s response. When my husband lets down his guard enough to ask for what his body aches for, it adds to my arousal in powerful ways. When our filters finally disappear, the “Oh yes!!”, “Don’t stop!” or “Harder” fuel passion. But what words can Christian couples use in the marriage bed?
Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
We should not use words to harm or tear down in our marriage bed, but instead words that benefit the other. For couples that rarely talk about sex, figuring out what words to use can be like tip-toeing across a hidden mine field.
Language takes on a life of its own, based on our past experiences. Words we use to vent anger or disgust feel unloving. Medical terms remind us of our last pelvic exam. Words that people used to hurt us re-open old wounds. The meaning of a word comes from its usage in our life as much as the definition itself.
If you want to use words to create excitement, then you need to figure out what words work. But rather than throw out every word or phrase the world has corrupted, discern what words are life giving, loving, honoring and add passion to your marriage. What words benefit your marriage bed?
Is it possible that if you never personally experienced the word **** in a negative way, **** could be beneficial in the privacy of the marriage bed? **** represents what we cannot allow ourselves to say to each other in public. But within the context of the marriage bed, where we trust and love each other, the word takes on a different meaning. Using **** expresses the total letting down of one’s guard and entering into a place of total abandonment and passion. Used only for our marital intimacy.
I don’t know what your **** word is, nor would I prescribe one. Each couple gets to decide how they express a total letting go. I am not encouraging the use of swear words. I am simply challenging us to discern what words benefit our marriage bed – just like what activities encourage our marriage beds. Just because the world has corrupted words, does not mean that God forbids them within a loving sexual relationship.
That is the importance of having discussions with our spouse about what words turn us on and what words turn us off. We need to know and understand what words feel degrading, or hurtful, and what words might open a world of unfiltered passion and expression. Using words to create arousal is not about imitating something, but about freedom to let your spouse know how you feel.
Finding Your Language
Sit down and brainstorm about sexual words with your spouse. On a piece of paper, make three lists. Every word to describe a woman’s sexual body parts, his body parts, or any type of sex. Think about slang terms, swear words, medical terms, or even your own versions. Individually cross out every term that feels like a turn off, and circle the turn-ons. Afterward talk about why the words are a turn off for you. Then share why the words are a turn on and when they are a turn on. Be sensitive and compassionate to your spouse as they share. Find some common ground, and challenge yourself to claim more ground.
God is a God of passion. How do we communicate passion during sex in marriage? Stepping outside of lukewarm can feel terrifying. What do we need to let go of, while we hang onto God?