Using Words to Fuel Passion During Sex

Words add excitement during sex. Women that masturbate often imagine what is being said to them. Even saying or imagining their own verbal enthusiasm can coax their body’s response. When my husband lets down his guard enough to ask for what his body aches for, it adds to my arousal in powerful ways. When our filters finally disappear, the “Oh yes!!”, “Don’t stop!” or “Harder” fuel passion. But what words can Christian couples use in the marriage bed?

Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

We should not use words to harm or tear down in our marriage bed, but instead words that benefit the other. For couples that rarely talk about sex, figuring out what words to use can be like tip-toeing across a hidden mine field.

Language takes on a life of its own, based on our past experiences. Words we use to vent anger or disgust feel unloving. Medical terms remind us of our last pelvic exam. Words that people used to hurt us re-open old wounds. The meaning of a word comes from its usage in our life as much as the definition itself.

If you want to use words to create excitement, then you need to figure out what words work. But rather than throw out every word or phrase the world has corrupted, discern what words are life giving, loving, honoring and add passion to your marriage. What words benefit your marriage bed?

Taboo Words

Is it possible that if you never personally experienced the word **** in a negative way, **** could be beneficial in the privacy of the marriage bed? **** represents what we cannot allow ourselves to say to each other in public. But within the context of the marriage bed, where we trust and love each other, the word takes on a different meaning. Using **** expresses the total letting down of one’s guard and entering into a place of total abandonment and passion. Used only for our marital intimacy.

I don’t know what your **** word is, nor would I prescribe one. Each couple gets to decide how they express a total letting go.   I am not encouraging the use of swear words. I am simply challenging us to discern what words benefit our marriage bed – just like what activities encourage our marriage beds.  Just because the world has corrupted words, does not mean that God forbids them within a loving sexual relationship.

That is the importance of having discussions with our spouse about what words turn us on and what words turn us off. We need to know and understand what words feel degrading, or hurtful, and what words might open a world of unfiltered passion and expression. Using words to create arousal is not about imitating something, but about freedom to let your spouse know how you feel.

Finding Your Language

Sit down and brainstorm about sexual words with your spouse.  On a piece of paper, make three lists. Every word to describe a woman’s sexual body parts, his body parts, or any type of sex. Think about slang terms, swear words, medical terms, or even your own versions. Individually cross out every term that feels like a turn off, and circle the turn-ons. Afterward talk about why the words are a turn off for you. Then share why the words are a turn on and when they are a turn on. Be sensitive and compassionate to your spouse as they share. Find some common ground, and challenge yourself to claim more ground.

God is a God of passion. How do we communicate passion during sex in marriage? Stepping outside of lukewarm can feel terrifying. What do we need to let go of, while we hang onto God?



6 Ways for Women to Stay Simmering Sexually

Unlike men, most women must intentionally remind themselves that God created them as sexual beings. Besides those bi-monthly hormone spikes that might wake us up, everything else seems to crowd out sexual thoughts. Even the way that God created our bodies, carefully tucked away, fails to provide a gentle reminder that good things can happen when we connect with her husband sexually. To remember that we are sexual beings, we must intentionally learn to keep our bodies awake. Here are 6 practices that help me remember God created me a sexual being and help me stay simmering sexually.

Breathe all the way “down there”

Take a deep breath! Feel it course through your body. How far done do you feel it? In your chest? Down to your tummy? How about all the way “down there?. Learn to feel your vulva and enjoy the warm sensations every time you breathe deeply.

Think Sexual Thoughts

Just like Solomon’s bride, we must allow time and space to enjoy sexual thoughts about our husband. Turn off your phone and day dream about your husband’s body when you fold laundry. While you wash dishes picture what you would like to do to your husband tonight, or what you want him to do to you. Give your mind freedom to be creative within God’s boundaries.

Do Your Kegel Exercises

Though Kegel exercises keep our body healthy, they also wake our body up. Kegel exercises gets the blood pumping and increases circulation. Contractions can feel pleasurable and remind us of good things to come. Strong Kegel’s increase the odds of your body reacting the way you hope. Get serious and make them a part of every day to keep your body simmering sexually.

Wear Sexy Underwear

When you do things all day that don’t feel sexy, like cooking, cleaning, wiping noses or working on a computer, wearing sexy underwear can help keep us simmering sexually. Remind yourself who you are with underwear that no one would expect underneath. Satin, lace, matching bra and panties – even just black instead of plain white.  Feel it rub against your skin and give a peak to your husband when no one’s looking. Wear sexy underwear to remind you become with your husband.

Enjoy Non-sexual Touch

The most important way that I keep my body simmering sexually is through non-sexual touch with my husband. We hold hands when we walk, cozy up on the couch, and worship hand in hand. Rather than a quick peck of a kiss, we linger and relax into the physical connection. If you don’t touch because you worry your husband might expect sex, then have a conversation. Don’t miss out on this powerful way to stay simmering.

Learn to Savor

Life seems to speed along at light speed and we forget how to enjoy the simple pleasures like savoring a delicious meal. Tap into your senses and learn to savor. Notice the smell of your husband’s shirts as  you sort the laundry. Feel the smoothness of your skin as you shower. Savor your food instead of devouring it. Open your eyes to God’s amazing creation. Learn to savor.

Final Thoughts

God created wives as sexual beings but we must intentionally make choices to remind ourselves. Keep your body simmering sexually by breathing all the way “down there”, thinking sexual thoughts, daily exercising your Kegel’s, wearing some sexy underwear, enjoying non-sexual touch and learning to savor. Don’t let the rest of life crowd out who God created you to be.

Sexy Ideas to Help You Survive Christmas

Grab Some Mistletoe

Or a piece of broccoli, romaine, or other greenery, and make out with your sweetheart.  Quietly sneak a moment  in the midst of the chaos and for a real kiss. To escape the family get together for a minute, slip into a bathroom, basement, bedroom,  or closet for a quick make out session.

Dress Up Your Bedroom

Turn your bedroom into your sex den. Get rid of the clutter. Remove any reminder of the kids or work. Buy a new cozy blanket, a few candles or a new mirror. Invest in a space heater or electric blanket to warm your room. Go vintage and get a lava lamp.

Twinkle Lights

Grab a few extra strands of Christmas lights and string them around your room for a different mood lighting and watch your spouse sparkle when you surprise them.

Wear Something Fun

Come to bed with a Santa Hat on and have some fun. Ask what’s on your sweethearts Christmas list with a mischievous smile. Share how they’ve been naughty or nice this year in explicit detail.

But Some Toys

Invest in some toys for your bedroom. Try the Ultimate Intimacy App or check out another game. Shop online at Covenant Spice or Married Dance and surprise your spouse or look through options together.


Take time during the season of Christmas to enjoy becoming One.

Have a Merry Christmas

Make time to have some fun as a couple and connect during the Holidays.

What We Can Learn From Giving Freebies

Wives commonly use freebies to serve their husbands. When we aren’t physically available because of our period, pregnancy or a physical challenge we offer manual or oral stimulation. Some wives give freebies because they think it will be fun to focus their full attention on their husbands. Void of the distractions of worrying about their own orgasm or performance we lavish our husband with love. Giving our husbands freebies might even become a regular way to navigate a  difference in drives. When we think of giving a freebie, most people think in terms of a wife giving her husband oral, manual sex, or maybe even intercourse, with no expectation in return.

Switching Roles

But how many husbands give their wife freebies? Besides older men, few husbands have even considered the idea. Younger couples can think it impossible or pointless. Even when the wife has the higher drive, you don’t typically hear about a husband treating his wife to a freebie.

But exchanging roles can help us learn so much about our spouse and what sex feels like for them. So, what can we learn from a husband giving his wife a freebie?


Setting the Mood with Foreign Music

Music can be a great way to set the mood for sex. From the crazy, I don’t give a ______ attitude of rock and roll, to the smooth tunes of Jazz. Music can transport us to other places and different attitudes in a second. It provides a beat and a pace that we can move our bodies to. Music can help us relax. and breath deeply or it can encourage us to get a little wild and let loose. But until I discovered foreign music, I sometimes felt distracted by  the words in the songs.


Add a Little Excitement by Changing Your Starting Point

Most of us wait until we are lying in bed to initiate sex. Talking, cuddling and kissing under the covers can just easily roll over into love making. Sometimes it comes naturally and sometimes it can feel awkward, forced or maybe even dull. If you are looking for a easy way to freshen things up, think about simply changing your starting point. Instead of waiting until you are laying down, initiate sex when you are standing.


The Importance of Being Selfish During Sex

Recently I read Love Worth Making by sex therapist Stephen Snyder. Rather than focusing on the physical aspect of of getting enough blood pumping to create orgasm, he focuses on the interplay of relationship dynamics and their impact on sexual satisfaction. An area of sexuality hard to measure or even study in the laboratory most women intuitively understand its importance. For us, the majority of excitement comes from our mind – how we feel about ourselves, how connected we are to our spouse and what we believe about sex. A key concept Snyder addresses is the importance of being selfish during sex.


Fun Locations for Sex in the Summer

Summer is a great time to have sex in new fun locations. Things just feel lighter and more relaxing. Go a little crazy and look for opportunities to create some amazing memories.


Get Outside and Have Some Fun

I love the long days of summer to get outside and enjoy God’s creation. To get out from behind my computer, phone or the tv and just enjoy nature. To move beyond the sterile smells of my house to smell the lilies awakens my soul.


Spend Time Skin to Skin

Happy Fourth of July. Enjoy some fun posts the next several weeks filled with ideas of how to enjoy your summer.

I love summer. Warm days when temperatures rise and covers disappear. A slower pace when families gather and reminisce. Long days when opportunities abound for a new adventure. Take advantage of summer to create some amazing memories. Summer is a great time to create skin to skin connection. To get naked and simply create connection through touch. Take advantage of the warm temperatures and look for opportunities to have some fun.