Prostate Massage – Uncharted Territory

Prostate massage will stretch a husband as he learns to trust and enjoy his wife’s touch in an area that he closely guards. Though not an area that many couples are willing to go, it holds treasures for those open, mature enough and ready to discover something new.

Though I sometimes wonder whether I should address prostate massage, I choose to err on the side of empowering you to make your own decisions for your marriage.  Even though I teach about prostate massage in Awaken Love classes, it is time to take the next step and write about it. If you feel squeamish or uncomfortable learning about prostate massage, please feel free to skip this article.

I’d like to give you my simplified take on prostate massage, starting with the history, why couples enjoy it and how to do it if you are interested.


Most men that live long enough will eventually have issues with their prostate. A gland that constantly produces components of a man’s semen, as men age, circulation decreases. The gland commonly becomes irritated and inflamed – a condition called prostatitis. Because a man’s urethra passes through the prostate, irritation and inflammation of the prostate makes urination problematic and painful.

Before antibiotics were available to treat prostatitis, doctors treated men by milking the prostate. The doctor would insert a lubricated, gloved finger into a man’s anus and feel the prostate bulging into the front wall of the rectum. He would then manually massage the prostate by pulling the pad of his finger across the bulge until he ejaculated. The massage both increased blood circulation to promote healing, and cleaned out the prostate.  Though men hated the procedure, it brought relief to many.

Eventually a doctor asked a company to develop a device that men could use at home to massage their own prostate. The device looked like a smooth plastic tee.  Slid into the rectum, contracting the Kegel muscles caused one leg of the tee to gently massage the area until ejaculation. Men soon realized that prostate massage performed in a relaxed and private environment felt highly pleasurable. That first medical device eventually became Aneros, a device now marketed as a sex toy for men.

People still debate the health benefits of prostate massage. Here is an article that supports it and one that cautions. 

Why Prostate Massage

Clearly increased circulation and regular orgasms are important for men’s general health. So why can’t men get the same benefit by having intercourse with their wife as through prostate massage?

Sex doesn’t directly help increase blood flow to the prostate, but massage does. It also produces a gentler orgasm that does not irritate an already inflamed prostate. Men describe the prostate orgasm as more of a full-bodied response. An equivalent to a woman’s G-Spot orgasm. You don’t know exactly where it’s coming from, but the gentle release feels amazing.

Some men swear that massage of the prostate has done wonders to relieve issues with their prostate. And some wives are happy to help their husband stay healthy and feeling good. But always check with your doctor before exploring prostate massage. In certain conditions it might spread infection or cause more damage.

Some couples enjoy prostate massage simply as an intimate activity that they enjoy together. It takes great trust between husband and wife. In many ways, prostate massage might help a husband understand just how vulnerable a wife feels during intercourse. He must fully relax in order to enjoy prostate massage.

One of the great outcomes of  massaging the prostate is that it requires a husband to learn to really relax during sex. To release every bit of tension in his pelvic area and to leave it relaxed. Rather than tensing and driving to the finish line, he allows the pleasure to just wash over him. It is a different experience that not only impacts prostate massage but can translate into other love making activities.


If you want to explore prostate massage, then you need to talk about it in advance. Neither one of you should feel forced, coerced or even guilted into participating in something that makes you feel uncomfortable. You must both agree that you want to explore this uncharted area.

Plenty of good lubrication (coconut oil works) is a must for exploration.  Use smooth, clean hands with no hang nails or wear a latex glove with lubrication. Treat his sensitive rectal tissue with care. Nothing should be sharp or forced. Think smooth and connected.

He should shower and groom to prepare. Unless he needs to go to the bathroom, the rectum should be empty.

During several sessions of extended lovemaking gradually work towards getting more and more comfortable with his testicles, his perineum and even his anus. Pay attention to how relaxed his body feels. He should feel like putty in your hands without any hesitation or fear. Notice if his anus opens up to your touch as he relaxes.

Prostate Massage

Eventually, when your husband feels ready one night, he should give you a signal,  verbal or whatever works. Make sure to use lots of lubrication and gently massage the anal area until he opens up. Leading with the pad of your index finger gently insert your finger into his anus as far as you can reach. Remain still for a moment and see if you can feel a walnut sized bulge in the front wall of his rectum. Without curling your finger, gently pull the pad of your finger past the prostate and then gently slide back. The motion is similar to the come hither motion of G-Spot stimulation.

You can just massage his prostate or you combine it with stimulation of the penis using your mouth or other hand. As he orgasms you will feel strong contractions of the anal sphincter around your finger. Wait until the contractions completely subside. To remove your finger, ask him to exhale  to help relax the sphincter. Gently slide your finger out and immediately wash up before you go and cuddle with him.

You can also massage the prostate from the outside by firmly massaging his perineum with the pad of your finger.

One additional caution – never put anything into the anus that does not have some kind of stop on it, or a way to keep it from going all the way in. During orgasm, the anal sphincter contracts and will pull things into the rectum. People end up in ER all the time to have things surgically removed from their rectum.

During prostate massage you will learn new things about your husband and his body. You must tune into his body to know when he is ready. He must trust that you will stop if he wants, and that you will treat him with the utmost care. Prostate massage requires sensitivity, trust and vulnerability. Your husband may never be the same.

Discover the Power of Words for Excitement

Just like God designed men to get excited by looking at a woman’s body , He designed women to get aroused through words. Women can read a romance novel with a juicy scene and suddenly we can’t wait for sex. It is similar to how God designed men’s eyes to arouse them. But just like men need to reserve their eyes to feast on their wives, we need to reserve our words for the marriage bed. In fact, we need to cultivate the use of words in our marriage bed. Instead of escaping into a book when our own sex life becomes stale, we must learn use  the power of words to create the sex life we want.

Words have been a huge area of growth for my husband and me.  We have gone from literally not saying a word during sex to freely expressing our needs and our delights. I am so thankful that my husband took my needs seriously. He could have minimized my desires, thinking words can’t be that big a deal. Or he could have used excuses like, that not who I am, or it is too hard. Men, it takes courage for your wife to visually share her body with  you. It will take courage for you to learn how to create excitement using your words. But trust me, learning to use your words is a powerful way to make your sex life mutually enjoyable.

I have had nights when I literally told Jim, “I need your words more than your touch.” With my mind in so many different places, I knew Jim’s words could engage and excite me for sex much faster than his touch. Don’t discount the power of words.

Realizing the Power

I remember the first time I realized just how much power words held. My husband was on a business trip for 2 weeks and I was determined to push the boundaries to connect while separated. While lying in bed with my laptop early in the morning I could feel the silky sheets against my skin and missed my husband terribly. So, as I lay there visiting with my husband I began to type using the instant messaging system on Skype,

“like what you see?”

After a bit of confusion, he replied, “uh, yeah”.

“want to see more?”, I teased.

I could see his eyes light up as he gathered his response.

“Tell me what you want…”

As we typed back and forth, we didn’t yet have the courage to speak the words out loud, but we knew there was something more for us to learn. Instant messaging began our journey of tapping into the power of words.


The need to incorporate words in my marriage bed was driven by my desire and not my husband’s. Rather than nagging him or voicing my disappointment, I created games and scenarios to reinforce how powerful and fun words could be. If you need ideas then check out my article on Using Our Words During Sex, or Using Words to Fuel Passion. 

Our sex life has thrived because Jim was willing to stretch and grow, and he has witnessed the change words have made both for me and for him. The twinkle in my husband’s eyes bears witness to his enjoyment of our words.

Sometimes, more than touch, I need my husband to take me someplace using his words. Words can turn vanilla sex into steaming hot sex, even though we are in the same bed, wearing the same outfit and doing the same things. Words can transport me in a way that touch cannot. They communicate a presence and a connection beyond the physical that integrates your mind and soul.

How have you discovered the power of words?

Greater Contrast Creates Greater Sexual Tension

We create sexual tension through contrast. The drastic difference between two things that make both feel more intense.  It requires using a range of motions, touches, or feelings. Tension wakes us up and helps us to know we are alive. It is the anticipation of jumping into a cold lake on a hot summer day and feeling our heart pound. The way that the color white pops against a black ground. The excitement of one spouse leading with confidence and the other surrendering. Contrast creates sexual tension and transforms shades of gray to the brightest colors of the rainbow.


Using Words to Fuel Passion During Sex

Words add excitement during sex. Women that masturbate often imagine what is being said to them. Even saying or imagining their own verbal enthusiasm can coax their body’s response. When my husband lets down his guard enough to ask for what his body aches for, it adds to my arousal in powerful ways. When our filters finally disappear, the “Oh yes!!”, “Don’t stop!” or “Harder” fuel passion. But what words can Christian couples use in the marriage bed?


6 Ways for Women to Stay Simmering Sexually

Unlike men, most women must intentionally remind themselves that God created them as sexual beings. Besides those bi-monthly hormone spikes that might wake us up, everything else seems to crowd out sexual thoughts. Even the way that God created our bodies, carefully tucked away, fails to provide a gentle reminder that good things can happen when we connect with her husband sexually. To remember that we are sexual beings, we must intentionally learn to keep our bodies awake. Here are 6 practices that help me remember God created me a sexual being and help me stay simmering sexually.


Sexy Ideas to Help You Survive Christmas

Grab Some Mistletoe

Or a piece of broccoli, romaine, or other greenery, and make out with your sweetheart.  Quietly sneak a moment  in the midst of the chaos and for a real kiss. To escape the family get together for a minute, slip into a bathroom, basement, bedroom,  or closet for a quick make out session.

Dress Up Your Bedroom

Turn your bedroom into your sex den. Get rid of the clutter. Remove any reminder of the kids or work. Buy a new cozy blanket, a few candles or a new mirror. Invest in a space heater or electric blanket to warm your room. Go vintage and get a lava lamp.

Twinkle Lights

Grab a few extra strands of Christmas lights and string them around your room for a different mood lighting and watch your spouse sparkle when you surprise them.

Wear Something Fun

Come to bed with a Santa Hat on and have some fun. Ask what’s on your sweethearts Christmas list with a mischievous smile. Share how they’ve been naughty or nice this year in explicit detail.

Buy Some Toys

Invest in some toys for your bedroom. Try the Ultimate Intimacy App or check out another game. Shop online at Covenant Spice or Married Dance and surprise your spouse or look through options together.


Take time during the season of Christmas to enjoy becoming One.

Have a Merry Christmas

Make time to have some fun as a couple and connect during the Holidays.

What We Can Learn From Giving Freebies

Wives commonly use freebies to serve their husbands. When we aren’t physically available because of our period, pregnancy or a physical challenge we offer manual or oral stimulation. Some wives give freebies because they think it will be fun to focus their full attention on their husbands. Void of the distractions of worrying about their own orgasm or performance we lavish our husband with love. Giving our husbands freebies might even become a regular way to navigate a  difference in drives. When we think of giving a freebie, most people think in terms of a wife giving her husband oral, manual sex, or maybe even intercourse, with no expectation in return.

Switching Roles

But how many husbands give their wife freebies? Besides older men, few husbands have even considered the idea. Younger couples can think it impossible or pointless. Even when the wife has the higher drive, you don’t typically hear about a husband treating his wife to a freebie.

But exchanging roles can help us learn so much about our spouse and what sex feels like for them. So, what can we learn from a husband giving his wife a freebie?


Setting the Mood with Foreign Music

Music can be a great way to set the mood for sex. From the crazy, I don’t give a ______ attitude of rock and roll, to the smooth tunes of Jazz. Music can transport us to other places and different attitudes in a second. It provides a beat and a pace that we can move our bodies to. Music can help us relax. and breath deeply or it can encourage us to get a little wild and let loose. But until I discovered foreign music, I sometimes felt distracted by  the words in the songs.


Add a Little Excitement by Changing Your Starting Point

Most of us wait until we are lying in bed to initiate sex. Talking, cuddling and kissing under the covers can just easily roll over into love making. Sometimes it comes naturally and sometimes it can feel awkward, forced or maybe even dull. If you are looking for a easy way to freshen things up, think about simply changing your starting point. Instead of waiting until you are laying down, initiate sex when you are standing.


The Importance of Being Selfish During Sex

Recently I read Love Worth Making by sex therapist Stephen Snyder. Rather than focusing on the physical aspect of of getting enough blood pumping to create orgasm, he focuses on the interplay of relationship dynamics and their impact on sexual satisfaction. An area of sexuality hard to measure or even study in the laboratory most women intuitively understand its importance. For us, the majority of excitement comes from our mind – how we feel about ourselves, how connected we are to our spouse and what we believe about sex. A key concept Snyder addresses is the importance of being selfish during sex.