Don’t Let Sexuality Become Your God

I recently heard an interview on Sexy Marriage Radio about a woman whose story sounded similar to mine. A married engineer that spent years devaluing sex in marriage knew something needed change. While looking for answers, she discovered how much just talking to other women about sex encouraged her. This wife has since quit her job and devoted herself to helping women embrace their sexuality. Though on the surface our stories have an uncanny resemblance, our lives and mission differ drastically. God defines who I am, and what I do – not my sexuality.

Awaken

As I read her blog from the beginning, I related to many of her posts as her sexuality began to awaken. She wrote about learning to breathe until she felt it all the way “down there”. Rather than letting life pass by, she slowed down to savor small things like tasting the juiciness of a ripe strawberry. Communication opened up in her marriage, she realized lies about sex that impacted her, and she sought to understand her body. She even started a monthly meeting with 4 friends to help process how their past impacted their present and to spur each other on in growth. But what this woman did not have was God’s good boundaries to guide and protect her as she embraced her sexuality.

Sex is powerful. Tastes of freedom can feel like standing up in a convertible with our arms open wide, the wind in our hair and rejoicing at the top of our lungs. It feels so good, to finally be known, to not fear, that we go chasing after more.

In Song of Songs 5:1 God says, Eat, friends, and drink; drink your fill of love.

God doesn’t want us to hold back, but to freely enjoy our love together in marriage.

But what happen when we lose sight of God?

What happens when sexuality becomes our God?

On my journey to embrace my sexuality, I have had crossroads where I had to choose God, and trust His boundaries of one man and one woman. I have to constantly resist the urge to look where my eyes should not go, in the name of education. Rather than allow an open discussion on the blog that gradually grows more explicit and tantalizing, I have to heavily moderate comments.   When my body doesn’t cooperate like I hope it does or I feel bored, I have to resist the temptation to bend the rules to create a little more excitement. I constantly guard my sexual thoughts and if something lands outside of God’s boundaries, then I to chose to stop dwelling on it, and refocus my attention on my husband.  I must trust God, not my sexuality.

Don’t fall for chasing after the greatest orgasm by ignoring boundaries to get an adrenaline rush. Seek greater intimacy through vulnerability, honesty and spiritual connection with your spouse. Instead of proclaiming if “I feel it, then it must be okay”, seek to glorify God with your body, sexual intimacy in marriage, and everything that you do. God is God, and we are not.

The Fall

What started out as a beautiful story of this woman embracing her sexuality has resulted in her decision to have an open marriage and embrace bisexuality. It both makes me sad and it makes me pause. Because without God, that might have been me… Without God’s boundaries, she has chased after whatever feels good, fuels her mind with excitement, and provides the next adrenaline rush. She has opened herself up to anyone’s ideas about sex without a way to measure truth. God’s good gift of sex to create intimacy in marriage has been discarded and may lead to a never-ending path to pain and destruction.

Keep Guard

On your journey of sexual discovery and freedom, I urge you to constantly ask yourself, “

  • Do I trust God with my sexuality?
  • Am I bending God’s boundaries in the name of more sexual fulfillment?
  • Can I imagine God smiling over us as we connect sexually?

Filter advice or information about sex through God’s truth. Pray and involve Him in your daily decisions and choices about sex. Embrace the freedom that He wants for you. Guard His design of one man and one woman -with your eyes, what you read, your thoughts, and activities. Don’t talk about sex in a way that will tantalize others or allow them to picture your marriage bed. Value intimacy and connection more than the largest orgasm.

Worship God, not His creation of sex.

Reclaiming sex like the Garden of Eden

Have you ever thought about what sex looked like in the Garden of Eden? I imagine the first time Adam saw Eve, he was instantly mesmerized.  Someone finally like him! Yet her differences were what really caught his eye. The curves of her body, the softness of her skin, even the way that she walked and talked.

Adam must have had a hard time keeping his eyes off of Eve as her body magnetically drew him. When he gently reached to touch her, the curves of her body fit perfectly into his hands. Unafraid, Eve trusted him and immediately relaxed into his touch. Gently he explored and caressed listening for the purr of her satisfaction.

The more Adam touched her, the more Eve’s body woke up and became hungry for him. As his body covered her, the wetness drew him into her. Suddenly aware of becoming “one”, he laid still for a moment, in awe of what had happened. As she gently smiled at him and they looked into each other’s eyes, they slowly began to move together until eventually they fell into a puddle of each other.

Even though sex felt exciting and wonderful to Eve, she knew there was more to discover. Filled with playfulness, she anticipated her turn to explore. The way his penis grew, and sought her out reminded her of the small fury animals that loved to be pet behind the ears. She wanted to see it, touch it, stroke it and even to feel it against her lips…

I’d better stop, lest I cross some lines…

Adam and Eve enjoyed total freedom in the Garden of Eden – with their own body and their spouse’s body. With no preconceived idea of what sex looked like they simply craved intimacy and connection. Unafraid to be known they fearlessly expressed themselves through words, movement, or even the groans when words would not come.  Void of all expectations, they didn’t worry about performance or what they looked like. Without past wounds, they didn’t recoil at touch, or wonder about intentions. They loved watching what happened and were amazed at God’s creation in each other. They simply enjoyed God’s goodness and reveled in new discoveries.

Living in a Broken World

Our world looks nothing like the Garden of Eden. Media has filled us with images of what sex is supposed to look like. These ideas stunt our own creativity and cause us to drive toward orgasm rather than exploration. Media and magazines cause wives to exchange their husbands’ compliments for insecurities or self-hatred. Pornography and Erotica dirty our ideas of sex, causing some to discard almost everything while others clamor to recreate scenes. We cannot even discern  our ideas from something we saw or read. Performance anxiety plagues both men and women and steals the joy of sex.  Silence from our families and churches leave us feeling stunted and awkward instead of open and free. Sex feels like anything but a blessing.

A Taste of Freedom

But what if God intended sex in marriage to be a taste of the freedom Adam and Eve experienced in the Garden of Eden?

  • God’s original intent for us before sin entered the world.
  • Before we started hiding and blaming each other.
  • Before we began to covet and lust after what we cannot have
  • When we had no wounds and no fear

How Do We Move Towards God’s Original Intent?

God cares about us and knows every detail and hurt – even involving our sexuality. He wants you to be free from the lies and deception that the world offers. If you are still immersed in lust than take the battle seriously. Be honest, get help and go after God. If you are hanging onto past sins, then receive God’s forgiveness and forgive yourself. If you are wounded then go after healing through counseling and prayer.  Find your worth from Jesus and He will guide you.

Trusting God causes us to know that our past does not have power over us. Trusting God helps us to value honesty more than perfection in our spouse. Lustful images that tainted our minds can be replaced with beautiful memories that husband and wife make together. When God asks us to get naked, we can get naked, because we would rather be known then hide behind a leaf or blame our spouse.

Jesus paid the price for our sins, and He redeems us. He has torn the veil so that we can have face to face relation ship, not only with Him but with others. Every day He gives us a fresh start to get up and LIVE again.

Creating the Garden of Eden

Don’t try to create what the world defines as great sex, but what God intended. Let yourself be known by sharing all of yourself, even your insecurities or brokenness. Create a safe place for your spouse to be honest and known. Focus on connection instead of orgasm. Bring God into your marriage bed. Pray before sex and ask Him to bless your connection. Ask for His truth and discernment as you make choices together.  Make your marriage bed a journey of discovering God’s goodness. Receive the freedom and gifts that God gives you.

Final Thoughts

Regardless of your past experiences, or your spouse’s past struggles, do you trust God with your sexuality? Will you seek His truth and desire for your marriage bed? Is God, all powerful, able, and good? Do you believe He can heal and give you a fresh start?  Do you want a taste of the Garden of Eden?

If your spouse is unrepentant about sexual sin, and not actively seeking healing, then please set boundaries and seek help. 

Creating Intimacy will Cause You to Depend on God

Working on my sex life has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. Creating real intimacy, where I let my husband really know me, has caused me to depend on God.

I remember one night in particular about 6 years ago, when I felt frustrated with our lack of connection. As my husband snored, I lay awake tossing and turning, and finally dragged myself out of bed. I slipped on my coat, pulled my boots up, and went out to shovel the foot of fluffy white snow blanketing our driveway. As I blew off steam, my head replayed over and over the events that evening. Shoveling brought release, and the beauty of the snow softened my heart until I suddenly realized I was singing worship songs. And in an instant, a light bulb went off in my head.

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What Wine Can Teach Us About Enjoying Sex

Women in class commonly share that wine helps them get in the mood for sex.  A little wine helps them to not only relax  and let go of the stress and worries, but it helps them feel less inhibited. These women know that the best sex happens when they let loose. But is it possible that we could learn to relax, feel sensuous, and express ourselves, even without a glass of wine to help? Maybe God wants to use sex to teach us about life.

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Talking About Sex in the Church

The church is long overdue in opening up conversations surrounding sex. We need to talk about the importance of creating a great sex life in marriage. But equally important, we need to help singles navigate a world saturated in porn and hook up sex. We also need to answer questions about raising kids in a world where LGBT fills the news. The church can no longer remain silent while the world continues to scream at us about sex. We have to start talking about sex in the  church.

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God’s Design for Equal Roles in the Marriage Bed

I write all the time about how God created sex for wives as much husbands. In Song of Songs, the beloved and the lover play equal roles in the marriage bed. Just having sex for the sake of your husband is not what God intended, and definitely not what your husband yearns for. But God’s plans for equal roles is not just about equality, I believe God has a plan for us. God wants husbands and wives to play equal roles in the marriage bed because we both have something to bring to the table. 

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Is Sex an Amazing Connecting Experience?

When I spoke at a moms group the other day, a few women lingered to ask questions.  After beating around the bush, one of the women finally had the courage to get to the crux of her situation.“You talk about how sex is supposed to be this amazing connecting experience. But honestly, I don’t really feel connected afterwards at all. Sex just seems so mechanical and not intimate.”

I suspect many women relate to what she expressed. Sex with our husband can feel mechanical. The constant movement of our husband can almost make us feel dizzy. Instead of feeling more, we feel less. We can seem like two separate people going through the motions striving to get to the finish line. Even if we experience pleasure or orgasm, we don’t necessarily feel connected to our husband afterwards.

Physical response does not equate to connection. We can fantasize our way to orgasm while in two completely different worlds. Or we could simply over ride the lack of connection with an intensity of physical stimulation. A loving husband distracted by thoughts of what to do next or his own performance can even be completely clueless to his wife’s discomfort. Orgasm without intimacy can feel empty and lonely.

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Beyond Purity – Living with Sexual Integrity

Our world has drastically changed in the last 30 years. The internet provides endless knowledge, opinions and images – both positive and negative. Definitions for marriage and sexuality continue to morph as culture changes. We live in a fast-paced world constantly bombarded with sexual messages. And most churches have failed to respond to the challenges and real questions that people face.  Rather than focusing on sexual purity we need to strive to equip people to live with sexual integrity, no matter our age or marital status. God creates us as sexual beings from the day we were born until the day we die. Rather than a sprint for purity that we win or lose, we must strive to live with sexual integrity every day of our life.

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God Sized Dreams for 2018

On New Year’s Eve I sat down with my pen and notebook to think about the coming year.  What do I want to accomplish in 2018? Underneath the heading “Goals for 2018” I wrote things like

  • Finish book – edit, create diagrams and illustrations, come up with a cover
  • Ask other bloggers to promote video class – ask to guest post or do interviews
  • Sell Awaken-Love T-shirts – set up online store
  • Work on Men’s curriculum
  • Create new promo card for video classes

These are all good goals, but honestly, they are all things I can do on my own. If I just put my nose to the grindstone, I can make them happen. And I realized, that I don’t just want Ruth sized goals. I want God sized dreams. I want to ask God for things that I could not begin to do on my own, that I can’t even imagine, things that only He can accomplish. So, I started over with a new list and this is what I am asking God for in the coming year.

Hopes and Dreams for 2018

  • Fill my writing, speaking and teaching with a passion that comes from You
  • Give me a renewed freedom in worshipping you and in praying over others
  • Give me a focus, direction and conviction that only comes from You
  • Keep my heart soft and break my heart for the broken
  • Fill me with boldness and courage to ask for opportunities far beyond myself
  • Bless me with laughter, adventure and wonder
  • Help me to create community through the Awaken-Love blog that will lead to growth, healing and restoration
  • Help me to care for and nurture the Awaken-Love teachers and facilitators.

As you sit down to think about the coming year, don’t settle for goals you can accomplish on your own. Dream big.

What do you really want that only God can do?

How do you want God to change you?

My Prayer for the Upcoming Year

God spoke to me this week through Psalm 95:8  

The Lord says, “Don’t harden your hearts as Israel did at Meribah, as they did at Massah in the wilderness.”

God made it very plain to me that my heart has become hard – cynical, calloused and missing out on His wonder. It has been a long hard year and I feel like I am finally starting to feel the winds of change. I don’t know if you can relate to this or not, but I am ready for God to do a work. So if you want, join me in asking…

 

Oh God, soften my heart.

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