What Wine Can Teach Us About Enjoying Sex

Women in class commonly share that wine helps them get in the mood for sex.  A little wine helps them to not only relax  and let go of the stress and worries, but it helps them feel less inhibited. These women know that the best sex happens when they let loose. But is it possible that we could learn to relax, feel sensuous, and express ourselves, even without a glass of wine to help? Maybe God wants to use sex to teach us about life.

So what does wine do to help women enjoy sex?

Wine helps women relax – to literally destress and release tension from the day. It helps us not worry about tomorrow or the “to do” list so we can focus on the present.

Wine also helps women feel less inhibited. We stop worrying about what we look like or what we sound like. Walls that we put up to protect ourselves come down and we live on the wild side. When we want something, we ask. When our body wants to move, we let it. Wine helps us to express and respond.

But more than anything else, wine becomes responsible for our actions. Many women still live in the paradox: if they really enjoy sex, they feel like a slut, and if they don’t enjoy sex, they feel like a prude. After drinking wine, they no longer have to feel responsible. When they go a little crazy and really enjoy sex, well, the wine made them do it.

The other day someone in class asked, “if I have to drink a wine in order to really enjoy sex, is that a problem?” Maybe the question is, “What does wine do that we can learn to do on our own?” Maybe God is trying to teach us something.

God created sex to teach us about intimacy with Him.

God wants us to learn to let go of our worries, and to release the stress of our day to Him. When we realize that we cannot control life, only He can, then we surrender the details to him. We need to learn to let go of worries and stress to engage in refreshment with our husband. Can you enjoy sex, even when you have a million things on your plate? Can you continually give your worries to God even during sex?

God also wants to release us from pride – from worrying about what anyone thinks about us, besides Him. Can you tear down your walls of protection and express yourself? Can you let go of your inhibitions and initiate, or ask for what you want? When your worth comes from God, then you stop caring about what your parents might think if they knew, or friends, or the church. You simply share yourself and allow yourself to be fully known – even in the marriage bed.

God Wants You to Enjoy Freedom

God wants you to experience freedom in your marriage bed, even without a glass of wine, but it takes time to learn new habits. Meditate on the truth of God’s design for sex. Read Song of Songs and pay attention to her role and how she acts. Take an Awaken-Love class and form friendships with other women that can encourage you as you embrace God’s design for sex. Take intentional steps to try something new and stretch yourself as you embrace freedom in your marriage bed. It takes time but when you truly believe that God created this amazing gift and He wants to bless your socks off, you will have a new understanding of just how extravagant God is.

What if you could have even better sex without a glass of wine? Learn to let go of worry during sex, and it will help you let go of worry in life. Stop comparing yourself or worrying about what others think when God becomes your focus. Embrace God’s gift of sex and taste the freedom He has for you. Get drunk on God’s goodness.

Talking About Sex in the Church

The church is long overdue in opening up conversations surrounding sex. We need to talk about the importance of creating a great sex life in marriage. But equally important, we need to help singles navigate a world saturated in porn and hook up sex. We also need to answer questions about raising kids in a world where LGBT fills the news. The church can no longer remain silent while the world continues to scream at us about sex. We have to start talking about sex in the  church.

Awaken-Love Classes

Women in Awaken-Love classes often share the impact messages from church played in their sexuality. For some, strong purity messages and “Don’t do it” drilled into their head left them feeling like sex was dirty, even in marriage. For others, failure to hold the lines, left them feeling like ruined goods. Even silence about the subject of sex tells us something. If we can’t talk about sex openly, then there must something wrong with it.

Every once in a while a woman shares positive messages about sex from church. A youth pastor that communicated kids should look forward to sex in marriage. A message about God’s redemption and new beginnings. Or maybe even someone that shared the reasons to avoid sexual baggage. The woman leaves little doubt how much it impacted her.

Messages  from church must both speak God’s truth and extend God’s grace. Positive, open communication about sex does make a difference.

One of the outcomes of taking an Awaken-Love class is getting comfortable talking about sex. When we start talking about sex with our kids, our husband, our friends and our church, then transformation moves beyond us. We start changing the world one person at a time.

Rethinking Sexuality

This July, Dr. Juli Slattery’s new book Rethinking Sexuality will be published and below is an excerpt from the description.

It provides a framework from which to understand the big picture of sexual challenges and wholeness and helps you recognize that every sexual question is ultimately a spiritual one. It shifts the paradigm from combating sexual problems to confidently proclaiming and modeling the road to sacred sexuality.

Instead of arguing with the world about what’s right and wrong about sexual choices, this practical resource equips you to share the love and grace of Jesus as you encounter the pain of sexual brokenness–your own or someone else’s.

Authentic Intimacy will also offer a video curriculum to go along with the  book, for small groups to study God’s truth & design on sexuality. I am so excited to read Rethinking Sexuality and this weekend I will attend the filming of Juli’s teaching that will go along with her book. I look forward to sharing more about this amazing tool to help us start talking about sex in the church.

God’s Design for Equal Roles in the Marriage Bed

I write all the time about how God created sex for wives as much husbands. In Song of Songs, the beloved and the lover play equal roles in the marriage bed. Just having sex for the sake of your husband is not what God intended, and definitely not what your husband yearns for. But God’s plans for equal roles is not just about equality, I believe God has a plan for us. God wants husbands and wives to play equal roles in the marriage bed because we both have something to bring to the table. 

God’s Design for Sex

God created a powerful design to refine both husband and wife through marriage. He created man and woman—both in His image, but so very different from each other. As we work towards creating an intimate sex life, we stretch to meet each other and learn from one another. His design drives us toward connection and toward personal growth.

Many women have wrestled with why God made sex so complicated for us while it seems so easy for our husband. We start feeling broken or punished, or we feel like we are doing something wrong. Some Christian writers even suggest that if women would just surrender control to their husband, orgasm would come easily during intercourse. That is a lie and does nothing more than assign blame to avoid growth or learning. Just because a husband can have an orgasm does not mean he has everything figured out about sex.

God created sex to refine both husband and wife as they learn from each other. If sex was easy for both of us, it wouldn’t create intimacy. Vulnerably sharing our needs, praying over baggage, and asking to be shown, creates intimacy. Having hard conversations, understanding each other’s insecurities, and extending grace to each other creates intimacy. If sex was as hard for our husband as it is for wives, we would probably both just give up.

Women might feel like they got the shorter end of the stick, but imagine how a loving husband feels. His greatest desire is to give pleasure to his wife. For him, nothing else matters. Can you imagine how frustrated, and confused he might feel as he tries to figure out his very complicated wife. Sex is hard for both of us.

We Learn From Each Other

God instilled different understandings about sex in order to grow each other. Men understand the importance of becoming one, even when we are disconnected. Wives must learn to trust their husbands and trust that God will help make them into one.

Women understand that sex can’t just be about orgasm. God created sex as a way to know each other. Husbands need to let go of their plans and focus on what they can discover about their wives.

God created men with eyes to enjoy their wives to create arousal and to affirm her beauty. Wives need to lovingly stretch in using their bodies to tantalize their husbands. Stepping into freedom to embrace our bodies takes courage and the belief that our husbands’ eyes are God’s good creation.

God created women with a huge imagination and an understanding of the power of words to create arousal. Husbands must create a safe place for their wives to express themselves. They should attempt to match their wives’ creative energy. They must constantly seek to learn new things about their wives and anticipate what they would find exciting. Husbands, too, must stretch, in learning to use words to create excitement and arousal during sex.

Even though the mechanics of sex and orgasm come easily to our husbands, intimate connection may not. To get beyond movement and create arousal through connection can feel foreign and even scary to a husband. Looking into each other’s eyes, feeling each other’s bodies through stillness and speaking words of excitement challenge a husband to stretch in order to meet his wife’s needs. Along the way, he discovers a connection sweeter than anything he ever imagined.

Final Thoughts

God designed sex to grow both of you. It is hard work.  Don’t think that because orgasm comes easily, you have things figured out. Don’t think you are broken because orgasms don’t come easily.  He wants to use your spouse’s needs to show you something new and create intimacy between the two of you. Even more than that, God wants to create a dependence on Him as you vulnerably stretch to love your spouse.

Is Sex an Amazing Connecting Experience?

When I spoke at a moms group the other day, a few women lingered to ask questions.  After beating around the bush, one of the women finally had the courage to get to the crux of her situation.“You talk about how sex is supposed to be this amazing connecting experience. But honestly, I don’t really feel connected afterwards at all. Sex just seems so mechanical and not intimate.”

I suspect many women relate to what she expressed. Sex with our husband can feel mechanical. The constant movement of our husband can almost make us feel dizzy. Instead of feeling more, we feel less. We can seem like two separate people going through the motions striving to get to the finish line. Even if we experience pleasure or orgasm, we don’t necessarily feel connected to our husband afterwards.

Physical response does not equate to connection. We can fantasize our way to orgasm while in two completely different worlds. Or we could simply over ride the lack of connection with an intensity of physical stimulation. A loving husband distracted by thoughts of what to do next or his own performance can even be completely clueless to his wife’s discomfort. Orgasm without intimacy can feel empty and lonely.


Beyond Purity – Living with Sexual Integrity

Our world has drastically changed in the last 30 years. The internet provides endless knowledge, opinions and images – both positive and negative. Definitions for marriage and sexuality continue to morph as culture changes. We live in a fast-paced world constantly bombarded with sexual messages. And most churches have failed to respond to the challenges and real questions that people face.  Rather than focusing on sexual purity we need to strive to equip people to live with sexual integrity, no matter our age or marital status. God creates us as sexual beings from the day we were born until the day we die. Rather than a sprint for purity that we win or lose, we must strive to live with sexual integrity every day of our life.


God Sized Dreams for 2018

On New Year’s Eve I sat down with my pen and notebook to think about the coming year.  What do I want to accomplish in 2018? Underneath the heading “Goals for 2018” I wrote things like

  • Finish book – edit, create diagrams and illustrations, come up with a cover
  • Ask other bloggers to promote video class – ask to guest post or do interviews
  • Sell Awaken-Love T-shirts – set up online store
  • Work on Men’s curriculum
  • Create new promo card for video classes

These are all good goals, but honestly, they are all things I can do on my own. If I just put my nose to the grindstone, I can make them happen. And I realized, that I don’t just want Ruth sized goals. I want God sized dreams. I want to ask God for things that I could not begin to do on my own, that I can’t even imagine, things that only He can accomplish. So, I started over with a new list and this is what I am asking God for in the coming year.

Hopes and Dreams for 2018

  • Fill my writing, speaking and teaching with a passion that comes from You
  • Give me a renewed freedom in worshipping you and in praying over others
  • Give me a focus, direction and conviction that only comes from You
  • Keep my heart soft and break my heart for the broken
  • Fill me with boldness and courage to ask for opportunities far beyond myself
  • Bless me with laughter, adventure and wonder
  • Help me to create community through the Awaken-Love blog that will lead to growth, healing and restoration
  • Help me to care for and nurture the Awaken-Love teachers and facilitators.

As you sit down to think about the coming year, don’t settle for goals you can accomplish on your own. Dream big.

What do you really want that only God can do?

How do you want God to change you?

My Prayer for the Upcoming Year

God spoke to me this week through Psalm 95:8  

The Lord says, “Don’t harden your hearts as Israel did at Meribah, as they did at Massah in the wilderness.”

God made it very plain to me that my heart has become hard – cynical, calloused and missing out on His wonder. It has been a long hard year and I feel like I am finally starting to feel the winds of change. I don’t know if you can relate to this or not, but I am ready for God to do a work. So if you want, join me in asking…


Oh God, soften my heart.


Invite God into Your Marriage Bed

During Awaken-Love class we often talk about how to bring God into our marriage bed. The huge divide between our spirituality and our sexuality leaves us feeling like sex is somehow wrong. When women invite God into their marriage bed, they experience a renewed sense of freedom but sometimes they don’t  realize all the amazing benefits. 

Today, Abbey who recently joined the Awaken-Love teaching team, will share how inviting God into their marriage bed profoundly impacted both her and her husband.

Awaken Love taught my husband and me many things. Most importantly it taught us to invite God into our marriage bed.


Slow Steady Steps of Growth

Growth sometimes happens in an instant like a light bulb flipping on to illuminate God’s truth. More often, growth happens through the slow steady steps of obedience as we trudge along making daily decisions. Often we know where God wants us to go, but it seems so far away. We have no idea how to get there. So, God gives us a small step that points us in the right direction. For a time, we ignore Him or procrastinate, but eventually we muster our courage. Moving in any direction feels better than standing still.

This weekend I took a small step…

I asked the Twin Cities Covenant Women’s Retreat if I could offer a breakout session on sex. I’ve spoken to women many times over the last 5 years but I’ve never asked to speak. People invite me  because they’ve taken an Awaken-Love class or someone told them about me. I have been too afraid to ask  if I could share about sex.


A Window into Intimacy

 Intimacy is always about our relationship with God – it is a mirror

When I started really wrestling with what God wants for me and my marriage bed, this verse rocked my world.

Ephesians 5:31-32 –For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.

Becoming One in marriage is a picture of intimacy with Christ.

Intimacy in Marriage

This verse gave me a frame work to start measuring what I believed about sex. I began comparing all of my ideas about sex, against my relationship with God, and it turned a lot of things up side down. I soon realized, just because something is our natural tendency, doesn’t mean that’s how God wants things to stay. He wants us to stretch and grow and that takes trusting him. I’ve written a bunch or articles based on this concept in the Mirror of Intimacy Category but a couple of ideas that immediately come to mind are…