5 Things Men Can Learn From Vibrators

Many couples use vibrators to help a wife orgasm. Though I am not going to debate whether they are a good idea in your marriage, the fact remains, women use vibrators because they work. They provide stimulation that helps women orgasm on a consistent basis. So what can we learn about the needs of women from the way that a vibrator works?

Vibrators Stimulate without Adding Friction

The tissue around a woman’s vulva is so sensitive that most women cannot handle extended friction without getting darn right sore. Beyond making sure that hands are soft, clean and free of rough spots, good lubrication is a must. Once you move beyond the feathery, teasing touches, movement on the vulva should feel silky smooth and connected. Your finger tips should never lose contact with her skin because every on and off movement can feel like a disruption.

But if you really want to reduce friction, think about moving with the skin, instead of across the skin. To practice what I am talking about, place the finger pads from your right hand on the back of your left hand. While keeping the finger pads flat and attached to the skin on your left hand, slowly move your fingers with the skin. You can move in circles, or back and forth across the tendons. While completely eliminating friction and maintaining connection you can create a whole variety of affects.

Small Pulses Work Wonders

The small pulses that vibrators create pack a powerful wallop for many women, all without creating friction that can irritate sensitive skin. Rather than always moving around, maybe you need to try a little Morse Code. You could try randomly located slow taps, with time between to resonate. Almost like you are teasing her clitoris with just the ripples from a wave in the distance. Or, try finding a sweet spot to create a rhythm that becomes more and more focused and patiently lingers while loving her other ways. Think about how a vibrator rests on her skin and moves just the smallest amount. Leave your finger on her skin and try just a small wiggle or quiver.

The Importance of Steady Rhythms

Vibrators use a steady rhythm, they don’t just go willy-nilly. A woman finds a speed she likes and she sticks with it. She might like a slow pulse, fast pulse, or even a pulse that accelerates, but the pattern repeats over and over and over. It gives her body time to get in sync and just relax into it.

If you are going to stay steady, then you had better find a comfortable way to support your wrist and hand. Anchor your palm on her mound and relax so that you can easily move just your fingers to create a simple movement for extended periods of time. You can change things up for a bit by using long stroking movements to loosen her up, and then return to your steady rhythm.

Vibrators have Multiple Settings

Most vibrators have multiple settings. If one thing doesn’t work, then she can just try something else. Just like a vibrator has different options, you need to have different options. Your wife constantly changes and what worked last night may not work tonight. Create a variety of plays by constantly trying new things.

Vibrators don’t Get Upset

Women can change the setting on their vibrator without worrying about hurting its feelings. Women don’t choose to have a finicky body – that is just how God created them. When a husband acts hurt or upset because we had to ask for something else, then we stop asking. When a husband rolls with the punches and easily adapts, then we can stop feeling guilty. The steadier a husband remains in his desire to please his wife by whatever works, the more a wife can relax and let go.

Final Thoughts

Whether or not you use vibrators in your marriage, there are things we can learn from them. Though every wife’s body is different and a bit of a mystery, some of these ideas might help. Reduce friction to protect your wife’s skin by using lube but also by the type of movement. Explore using pulses or quivers to create stimulation. Maintain steady rhythms and give her body time to lean into the pleasure. Continue to get to know her and discover different modes or actions that your wife likes. Most importantly, don’t get upset when she adjusts your hand or asks for something else.

5 Ways A Husband Can Help His Wife Feel Beautiful

I began the series on beauty by sharing the story of a husband’s concern for his wife who seemed uncomfortable when he watched her undress. I’ve spent the last several posts sharing my story about embracing my beauty in order to help other women. Realizing how my past shaped my self-image, that baggage created insecurities, that I am God’s unique and beautiful creation, and that practical choices  made a difference, helped me embrace my beauty. Though a husband cannot convince his wife that she is beautiful, he can help his wife believe he thinks she is beautiful.

Respect Her Wishes

Our story started with a husband asking what he should do if his wife seemed uncomfortable when he looked at her boobs  while she undressed. Though I steadfastly believe that a husband feasting is eyes on his wife is God’s good design to affirm her beauty, not all women are there yet. In the meantime, God calls husbands to love their wife like Christ loved the church. Jesus gave up himself for us and I believe husbands are called to do the same for their wife. If your wife hates your eyes on her, are you willing to give up looking at her, in order to make her feel loved?

I can imagine a husband having a conversation with his wife something like,

When you get dressed, I can’t keep my eyes off of you. I think your body is totally amazing! But it seems like sometimes you feel uncomfortable. Loving you is more important than being able to look at your body. If you want me stop watching, I want to respect your wishes. I want you to always feel loved and respected.”

The same attitude goes for grabbing parts of her body, or making comments about her body. If she truly doesn’t like it and she has communicated as much, then stop. Ask her how it makes her feel when you do it, empathize and love her through your actions.

You have to earn her trust and respect before she can freely share herself, and isn’t that what you want?

Keep Your Eyes and Thoughts on Her Only

A husband faces an uphill battle in gaining his wife’s trust with her body. Women have experienced too many men gawking, whistling, making fun of, or using a woman’s body. We know that men lust after images of porn or just visually undress women in their mind for their own gratification.

One of the most important things my husband has done since the beginning of our marriage was to battle lust. Without me even asking, he guarded his eyes during movies, or ads on TV. Until you take lust seriously and squash out every last bit, you will never gain real freedom. You cannot stop looking at porn and allow your eyes to wander on the woman jogging down the street. Your wife wants to know that you only think about her. She wants to be your only measure of beauty.

Speak What You Think About Her

Remember how I talked about God’s amazing design; a man has eyes that look at his wife and say, “Wow!”, while a woman’s deepest desire is to feel beautiful? Well, it doesn’t work unless you start expressing what you think about her with your words.

When I finally started embracing my beauty, I remember having a really hard conversation with my husband. I told him, “I really want to believe that I am beautiful, but if I am going to believe it, I need to hear you say it. I need you to tell me when I look beautiful.” And he replied, “Don’t I  tell you all the time?”

Now I don’t know if he had been telling me and I just didn’t hear it, or if he had been thinking it, and not speaking it out loud. Since that conversation, my husband has become a big part of helping me embrace my beauty, and I love it!

But your wife does not want you telling her she’s beautiful because Ruth said to say it more often. What she really wants is for you to take what you are thinking in your head, and speak it out loud to her. Your wife wants to know even your thoughts.

See All of Her

When I think about embracing beauty, I can’t help but think of Song of Songs and the passages where he admires her body with his words. Rather than just focusing on his favorite erotic zone he admires her from her feet to the top of her head.

Your wife wants to know that you love all of her, not just her boobs. You have to see and appreciate every part of her, especially as her body changes. If you keep your eyes pure and she becomes your standard of beauty, then you will love every curve, wrinkle, stretch mark, and unique feature you discover.  See all of her.

Match Your Wife’s Growth

Your wife sharing her body with you is as vulnerable as you sharing your fears and failures with her. Yet it is what most husbands desire most. Here is the real kicker, what your wife desires most is that you share your insecurities, fears and failures with her. She wants you to be vulnerable with her. Don’t expect your wife to grow when you are not willing to grow too. In fact, you don’t need to wait for her, you can lead the charge. Have the courage to grow in order to meet her needs first.

Final Thoughts

Marriage is this amazing people growing machine to grow both husbands and wives. Though you can’t force your wife to grow, you can spur her on by growing yourself. Give up yourself for her, take your thoughts and eyes captive, use your words, see all of her and match your wife’s growth.

May God bless you as you lay down your life for your wife.

The Critical Moments before Her Orgasm

Most women understand how critical the moments are just before orgasm. In an instant we can go from being “right there”, to “dang it, what happened!”  When we have to, we can learn to roll with the punches and circle around to take another run at it. But when husbands understand the critical moments before orgasm, they can increase the odds their wife finishes the first round.

The easiest way for a husband to tune into the ways his wife’s body is during during manual or oral stimulation. So though the principles translate to intercourse, our discussion will be in terms of manual or oral stimulation.


3 Things a Husband Should Know About His Wife

With my awakening, my husband has experienced his own growth and awareness. I asked Jim, “What 3 things have you learned that helped you with our sex life?” I found his answers simple and yet profound. Not only that, but I can clearly see how his understanding and subsequent changes have directly impacted me and my growth. So, I have adapted his insights to speak into your sex life – 3 Lessons Learned to Love Your Wife


10 Ways to Prepare Before You Confess Porn

I have never had to hear my husband confess a porn habit, but I have sat with plenty of wives who did. Though I am encouraged by the ministries pouring into men to help them gain freedom, I wish they did more to prepare husbands for the moment of disclosure with their wife. What advice could help a husband so he could support his wife as she begins her journey into healing?

If a husband was ready to take the next big step of repentance and disclosure with his wife, I would say?


What If Your Wife Has Never Experienced Orgasm?

Husbands want their wife to enjoy sex as much as they do. But if a wife has never experienced orgasm, she may not even know what she is missing. If she has never tasted the most delicious chocolate cake in the world, she may not think it’s that big a deal. Or may just start to believe it’s not possible. When things don’t naturally fall into place, a husband can feel confused, discouraged and lost. With silence surrounding the topic of sex, couples just stay stuck. Instead of looking for answers, they settle. But husbands can play a key role in helping a wife figure out how to orgasm.


How to Help Your Wife Orgasm More Often

If your wife only has an orgasm once in a while, the good news is that your wife knows how to orgasm. That bad news is that what worked yesterday, may not work tomorrow. If you expect your wife to orgasm simply through intercourse, then it might surprise you to learn the odds are against her.  Only about 30% of women orgasm on a consistent basis during intercourse. If you want your wife to enjoy orgasm on a regular basis than you must constantly learn new things about her. Rather than thinking you have arrived, you have really just begun.


How Can a Husband Help His Wife Orgasm?

Some women lose interest in sex when it seems like their husband has all the fun. Watching a husband collapse in pleasure night after night, while rarely or never responding can feel discouraging and disheartening. And it can be enough to make a woman avoid sex. If you want your wife to enjoy sex than you need to do what you can to help your wife orgasm on a consistent basis.


Manual Stimulation for Your Wife

Manual Stimulation can be one of the most intense ways for your wife to experience orgasm, but it does not necessarily come easily or intuitively. Keep reading for some tips to make manual stimulation something to remember.

Rubbing Vs Feeling

One of the MOST important concepts we teach in the Awaken-Love Men’s Edition is the difference between “rubbing” and “feeling”.  In order to illustrate the point, we have the men put a little coconut oil on their wrist. We then ask them to spend a little time “rubbing” their wrist. Being the task oriented men they are, they get right at it, rubbing their wrist with focused vigor.

After a few minutes, we stop them, take a deep breath and then ask them to “feel” their wrist. Their movement instantly changes to a slow, sensuous, thoughtful feeling of their wrist. We see them thinking about what they experience. Their mind intently mapping the terrain and responses.  Next we spend time exploring ways to “feel” not just the surface of the skin, but the area under the skin. By keeping their fingers attached to the skin to eliminate friction, they can better feel tendons and veins. We finish by spending time simply holding still. Sometimes you can pick up a pulse or feel tension better by simply holding still.

As we process the difference between “rubbing and feeling”, a giant light bulb goes on for the men.


Freebie for Her

One of the best ways to help your wife BELIEVE sex is just as important for her as it is for you, is to give her a FREEBIE. Serving her will communicate that you care about her enjoyment as much as yours. When you enjoy sex without an orgasm, she will realize that sex is not just physical for you, but that you love feeling close to her.

So my challenge to the husbands is…