The Critical Moments before Her Orgasm

Most women understand how critical the moments are just before orgasm. In an instant we can go from being “right there”, to “dang it, what happened!”  When we have to, we can learn to roll with the punches and circle around to take another run at it. But when husbands understand the critical moments before orgasm, they can increase the odds their wife finishes the first round.

The easiest way for a husband to tune into the ways his wife’s body is during during manual or oral stimulation. So though the principles translate to intercourse, our discussion will be in terms of manual or oral stimulation.

Recognizing the Moment

Husbands need to recognize when their wife reaches the critical moments just before orgasm. While feeling her with either your mouth or your hands, you will notice subtle changes that indicate, her body is at the critical moment.  For some women the inner lips will flatten out and suddenly become silky smooth. Some men might notice the color of her inner labia change from pink to red, or red to dark red. The most obvious evidence is the disappearance of the clitoral head. Just before orgasm, as the clitoris becomes more engorged and more sensitive, it suddenly retracts behind the skin. This is the critical moment.

Stay Steady

Whatever you were doing when she got here, keep doing it – like clockwork. Avoid some of the common mistakes men make in making love to their wife.  When you get excited that she’s close, resist moving faster or harder, just stay steady.  Don’t panic when her clitoris disappears and think you need to go to town on her, just stick with what was working. Make sure you’re paying attention to her body so that you don’t shift gears at the worst time. When her clitoris hides stay with her. You are right there. Whatever you do, don’t lose connection to her. Maintain contact with whatever you were stimulating to get her there.

Add A Booster

While maintaining the foundation of stimulation, interject enticements to help her tumble over the top. You might gently squeeze her nipples to launch her over the top. Speaking reassuring words of, “you are so beautiful” or “just let go” might catapult her. Or maybe in the midst of your steady foundation of stimulation, you circle back to tease and tantalize other sensitive areas creating a spark or light ripple that contrasts with the deep intense connection you are holding onto.

Final Thoughts

Recognizing your wife’s critical moment is the first step in helping her finish strong. If you have no idea what I am talking about, ask your wife. At some point, she is “right there”, and unlike you, she can lose it in a moment. She can help by using a simple phrase like, “don’t stop” to communicate when she’s at the critical moment. Observe her body, her breath, her composure, and tune into her clues so that you can help her finish. Keep doing whatever you were doing to get her there – like clock work. While maintaining the connection, add a booster to take her over the edge, and watch the fireworks fly.

3 Things a Husband Should Know About His Wife

With my awakening, my husband has experienced his own growth and awareness. I asked Jim, “What 3 things have you learned that helped you with our sex life?” I found his answers simple and yet profound. Not only that, but I can clearly see how his understanding and subsequent changes have directly impacted me and my growth. So, I have adapted his insights to speak into your sex life – 3 Lessons Learned to Love Your Wife

1. Your Wife is Insecure

I am a confident, capable woman that completed engineering school, taught herself to snowboard, and could handle any house project. But I still struggle with deep seated insecurities. For years I denied my desire to feel beautiful. When we started working on our sex life, I knew to experience freedom in my marriage bed, I had to trust my husband loved everything about me. Beyond guarding his eyes, I needed to hear that he thought I was absolutely beautiful.

Jim has learned to constantly affirm my beauty with his words. Whether I am dressed up for a date, bending over in my jeans to screw in a deck board, or playing naked in bed.  He doesn’t just say I am beautiful, he believes it and breathes it into my life. After we have great sex I feel most vulnerable. My mind starts to questioin if I revealed too much, or if my husband enjoyed what I did. When he dotes on me after sex and shares his amazement, he stops the lies and insecurities.

2. Don’t Take Things Personally

What feels great to me one night, can do nothing the next night, or can even feel painful. My body constantly changes, can become ultra-sensitive, and just darn right finicky. I don’t try to be complicated or high maintenance, but that is my reality. As I have taken ownership by saying things like, “I am sorry, my body is just tricky tonight”, Jim has learned not to take things personally.

In his resilience Jim is able to offer other suggestions rather than give up. We have learned when something doesn’t work or temporarily shuts down, it does not have to derail us. Jim can try a different path or offer another delight and I can get on board. Not taking things personally has opened up possibilities. Jim is more likely to try new things without worrying about failing. Not taking things personally has helped me to appreciate my complicated body a little more.

3. Be Vulnerable and Open Up 

When I awoke, I began craving deep intimacy with my husband. I started sharing vulnerable things from my past that helped me gain freedom. We had hard conversations about my insecurities and how Jim could help me. Many nights I cried in his arms as I got in touch with my emotions. Though I focused on myself I also wanted to know Jim. Just like most wives, I feel closest to my husband when he vulnerably shares his emotions, insecurities, or failures.

Jim has been an amazing husband and dad, but vulnerability does not come easily. I remember once asking him, “What painful childhood experiences do you remember?” And he incredulously responded, “Why would you ask me something like that?” Later he explained that talking about a painful experience was more painful than reliving it. What felt freeing to me felt oppressive to him.

But Jim has slowly taken steps in learning to vulnerably share. He has shared about past experiences that left him feeling like a failure. He has owned his past mistakes and asked forgiveness. When he struggles at work, I am the first that he tells. And though it means the world to me, even more importantly I have witnessed changes in him. I’ve seen his boldness in speaking truth to other men and ministering to marriages. He walks with more confidence. When you allow yourself to be fully known and are received with grace and love, it sets you free.

Final Thoughts

If you want to become the an amazing lover to your wife then learn to affirm her with your words. Help her battle insecurities by speaking truth. Understand not to take instruction or failed approached personally. Stand firm but gently as you navigate your wife’s complexities and you will see her begin to open up. Match your wife’s vulnerability with your own steps of growth. Share from your heart and open her heart to yours.

 

10 Ways to Prepare Before You Confess Porn

I have never had to hear my husband confess a porn habit, but I have sat with plenty of wives who did. Though I am encouraged by the ministries pouring into men to help them gain freedom, I wish they did more to prepare husbands for the moment of disclosure with their wife. What advice could help a husband so he could support his wife as she begins her journey into healing?

If a husband was ready to take the next big step of repentance and disclosure with his wife, I would say?

I want to affirm you for the work you have been doing and your desire to break the bondage of pornography. I understand that telling your wife the truth, the whole truth, will take courage and strength. Though it may feel like one of the worst days of your marriage, I pray that one day you both will look back and thank God for this day. Until you allow yourself to be known to your wife, you will never have the intimacy you desire and God created you for.

Confessing and repenting shows that you are becoming a man of integrity and honesty. You cannot change your past, but you can change your future. Though confessing might feel gut wrenching, stay steady. Take ownership for your brokenness and extend grace to your wife as she begins her journey.

Below are some 10 steps to think through before your conversation.

1. Confess Dishonesty

Start by confessing that you have not been honest and ask you wife’s forgiveness. Don’t minimize the impact of a breach of trust. Own it, affirm your commitment to change and tell her you don’t want to pretend anymore, so you have something to share.

2. Be Prepared and Committed to Full Disclosure

Without sharing details that will cause her to visualize what you have seen, confess everything. Let her know if she needs a break or time to process, you can stop at any time, and readdress the topic later. There is nothing worse than receiving part of the story and finding out later you still don’t know the whole truth. Offer that from now on she can ask you any question, and you will answer truthfully. Again, details that cause her to imagine what you viewed don’t typically help but cause more pain. If she pushes for details, assure that you are committed to full disclosure but ask to check with her support system to determine if it will be helpful.

3. Start at the Beginning

How did it start? How old were you? What role did it play while you were single? What happened when you got married? When did you realize it was a real problem? How have you been battling it? When was the last time you looked? How often do you view? Where do you view?

4. Expect Her to be Upset

Though disclosure may feel like a huge relief to you, your wife is at the beginning of her journey.  She may cry, get angry, go numb, or call you names. She may act like it’s the end of the world, or she may pretend like it is no big deal. Her behavior may subtly change as she battles her own insecurities. She might start changing her clothes in the closet or turning the lights out during sex. Everything about sex may remind her of you watching porn and increase her insecurities. Regardless of how she treats you, treat her with love, tenderness and compassion. The world that she once imagined just disappeared.

5. Take Ownership for Your Recovery

Don’t insinuate that frequent sex will prevent you from viewing porn. You are responsible for your own actions. Make sure that she knows you are committed to get free no matter what she does. Don’t use your struggle with porn as a way to guilt her or manipulate her to have sex. Treat sex as a way to love her.

6. Create a Safe Place For Honesty

Your wife needs to know she can be honest about her own feelings and insecurities. If she thinks you will spin back into porn because she shares how much she hurts, then you still have not created intimacy. Have the strength to hold your wife in your arms as she grieves. Have the courage to keep gently approaching her even when she pushes you away.

7. Treat Her With Compassion

Your struggle with porn will cause her to question her beauty and whether you find her desirable. Affirm her and speak tenderly to her often. Give her quiet time alone to process or connect with friends. Take her out on dates to go and have fun and laugh together. Take care of her.

8. Give Her Permission to Seek Help

While you have accountability partners to encourage you in this journey, your wife will feel absolutely isolated. Encourage her to seek out a couple of Godly women that she can process with and give her permission to disclose everything. Encourage her to see a counselor if she wants to. Offer resources like Shattered Vows by Debra Laaser.

9. Rebuild Trust

For years you lied to your wife, withheld the truth, or slanted the truth. After your confession, she may question what she can believe about a lot of things. As a repentant husband, ask her for input on how you can rebuild trust. Show your commitment to work on your deeper issues, maintain consistent accountability and choose practical lifestyle choices to reduce temptation.

10. Change Takes Time

Think about how long you struggled with porn, how long you hid it and how long it took for you to gain the courage to tell you wife. Your wife will need time. Though you feel your porn struggle has nothing to do with her, you’re wrong. Porn created hiddeness and division between the two of you, and it will take time to rebuild trust.

Final Thoughts

Be encouraged. God can heal your marriage and create something better than you ever imagined. Honesty is a huge step towards freedom. When you can share your brokenness with your wife and she can share hers with you, well, that is real intimacy. When you feel shame welling up, chase after God. He loves you so much and He can set you free.

What If Your Wife Has Never Experienced Orgasm?

Husbands want their wife to enjoy sex as much as they do. But if a wife has never experienced orgasm, she may not even know what she is missing. If she has never tasted the most delicious chocolate cake in the world, she may not think it’s that big a deal. Or may just start to believe it’s not possible. When things don’t naturally fall into place, a husband can feel confused, discouraged and lost. With silence surrounding the topic of sex, couples just stay stuck. Instead of looking for answers, they settle. But husbands can play a key role in helping a wife figure out how to orgasm.

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How to Help Your Wife Orgasm More Often

If your wife only has an orgasm once in a while, the good news is that your wife knows how to orgasm. That bad news is that what worked yesterday, may not work tomorrow. If you expect your wife to orgasm simply through intercourse, then it might surprise you to learn the odds are against her.  Only about 30% of women orgasm on a consistent basis during intercourse. If you want your wife to enjoy orgasm on a regular basis than you must constantly learn new things about her. Rather than thinking you have arrived, you have really just begun.

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How Can a Husband Help His Wife Orgasm?

Some women lose interest in sex when it seems like their husband has all the fun. Watching a husband collapse in pleasure night after night, while rarely or never responding can feel discouraging and disheartening. And it can be enough to make a woman avoid sex. If you want your wife to enjoy sex than you need to do what you can to help your wife orgasm on a consistent basis.

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Manual Stimulation for Your Wife

Manual Stimulation can be one of the most intense ways for your wife to experience orgasm, but it does not necessarily come easily or intuitively. Keep reading for some tips to make manual stimulation something to remember.

Rubbing Vs Feeling

One of the MOST important concepts we teach in the Awaken-Love Men’s Edition is the difference between “rubbing” and “feeling”.  In order to illustrate the point, we have the men put a little coconut oil on their wrist. We then ask them to spend a little time “rubbing” their wrist. Being the task oriented men they are, they get right at it, rubbing their wrist with focused vigor.

After a few minutes, we stop them, take a deep breath and then ask them to “feel” their wrist. Their movement instantly changes to a slow, sensuous, thoughtful feeling of their wrist. We see them thinking about what they experience. Their mind intently mapping the terrain and responses.  Next we spend time exploring ways to “feel” not just the surface of the skin, but the area under the skin. By keeping their fingers attached to the skin to eliminate friction, they can better feel tendons and veins. We finish by spending time simply holding still. Sometimes you can pick up a pulse or feel tension better by simply holding still.

As we process the difference between “rubbing and feeling”, a giant light bulb goes on for the men.

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Freebie for Her

One of the best ways to help your wife BELIEVE sex is just as important for her as it is for you, is to give her a FREEBIE. Serving her will communicate that you care about her enjoyment as much as yours. When you enjoy sex without an orgasm, she will realize that sex is not just physical for you, but that you love feeling close to her.

So my challenge to the husbands is…

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Podcast about Awaken-Love Men’s Edition

My husband and I team up to teach a class called Awaken-Love Men’s Edition. About a month ago, I sat down with Belah Rose from Delight Your Marriage. She asked me to share some of the information that we teach at the Awaken-Love Men’s Edition. You can listen to the podcast at Delight Your Marriage.

The three goals of the Awaken-Love Men’s Edition are…

  1. To help husbands understand the difference between just having sex and truly connecting with their wife through sex, the way God intended.
  2. To help husbands be a great lover to their wife by helping them understand the battles in her head, how her body works, and how to woo her with words and actions.
  3. To equip men to talk to their wife, kids and other men about sex so that others might know the truth about sex.

Right now the class is only available in Minneapolis, but Jim and I have dreams of somehow making it available to more men using videos. If you want to listen to the podcast please go to Delight Your Marriage.

I would love to hear your feedback.

The Power of Kegel Exercises for Men

The other day my husband came home from work and said, “I had the funniest thing happen today. I was standing at the urinal when one of my colleagues next to me says, “wow, no problem with that flow!”My husband is in his 50’s and for the last 5 years has been faithfully doing Kegel exercises. Sometimes we hear these things about exercise or eating right and we think whatever… so I thought I would share a personal testimony of what impact consistent Kegel Exercises can have….

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