Understanding Sexual Roles in a Modern World

In a world of compromise, self-sacrifice, and equality we must make a conscious effort to create sexual tension in the bedroom. When we constantly compromise then we lose ourselves. Gone are the unique differences that originally drew ourselves to each other. If we never have any desires or needs because we don’t want to appear selfish, then we loose passion. When we operate as compete equals then we negate, the difference between men and women. Those differences create a polarity that creates fascination, excitement and dependence.  As the roles or men and women change in society, don’t let them impact who we are and how we interact during sex.

Hang Onto Yourself

God created you unique. With a mind filled with creative ideas and a body yearning for specific sexual experiences. Though we need to love our spouse and respect their desires, we must also vulnerably share our own. Don’t compromise to the point of having no opinions or ideas of your own. Love yourself enough to hang onto yourself.

The best sex happens with a healthy balance of giving and receiving. Though your spouses needs should be fulfilled, don’t negate your own. One of the best gift that you can give to your spouse is to let them slay you. That takes communication, expressing yourself and great courage. Letting your spouse know you, will fuel passion in your marriage bed. Without it, sex feels lifeless.

The Challenges of Equality

Societal changes, though in many ways positive, have decreased the differences that naturally existed between the roles of men and women. Most men used to work hard with their body. Plowing the fields, mining, pushing the mower or working on their car kept them in touch with their strength and power. Days spent working behind computers, playing video games, or on riding a mower, cause men to forget the reward of sweat and the strength they possess.

Huge positive strides have opened up opportunities in education, the work place, and new roles for women. We communicate well, multi task, focus well in school, manage the home and may someday run the country. But how many of us have a hard time letting our husband lead?

We nit pick about where he parks at church, the outfits he dresses the kids in, and how he folds the laundry. Even in bed, we struggle to let them lead. Instead we just take control because he is being too timid, or not exciting enough.

Maybe it is just me that struggles. But I wonder if wives have always struggled to let their husband lead, or if it is becoming a more common problem. Is it possible that as opportunities have become more available to women and we have become more confident, that we have contributed to our husbands losing their confidence?

Remembering Our Roles

It is so tricky. Because I don’t think that women are supposed to shrink back simply so that men will step up. I think we both need to take ownership as we adjust to a culture and society that is moving towards equality for men and women.

Men need to rediscover their power and strength. To understand the importance of a job well done. They need to make their needs known in gentle but strong confidence. To protect their families and women. Men must turn off porn and start pursuing their wife. Even in the bedroom they need to reclaim their strength and their power for loving their wife physically.

Women need to rediscover how to be soft and to let go of control. To let their husband take care of them. Wives must encourage husbands in the small ways that they care and provide. Wives need to feel the strength of their husband in bed and revel at their difference. Stop ordering him around, stop nagging him, stop reminding him and mothering him. Learn to slow down and be soft. To quiver at his touch, or melt at his gaze. It is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of courage.

Final Thoughts

Our core desires and the way that God created men and women have not changed. Women still desire strong husbands that will confidently lead – even in the marriage bed. Wives still struggle with insecurities of whether their husband really loves them. Husbands still want to know that their wives needs them. They wants to be there for her, to rescue her and be her hero. Though we have the privilege to experience more equality in the work place and even in the marriage bed, don’t deny the differences God created. Sometimes the strength of a man, should make a woman weak in the knees.

Understanding roles in a modern world

Cultivating a Soil that Receives God’s Truth About Sex

When I read The Bible, I constantly filter everything through the ministry that I do with Awaken Love. Though I know the bible exists to help us know God, it also holds many truths for living out our faith and our calling. In Matthew 13, Jesus tells the parable of the farmer that scattered the seed. Jesus is helping the disciples learn that not everything is in their control when they tell others about Jesus. Some will receive Him, and some won’t, depending on the kind of soil.  I find the parable helpful as I follow my calling of helping others embrace God’s truth about sex. Some soil is hard, some is rocky, some is filled with thorns and some soil is fertile. All I am responsible for is speaking God’s truth.

Hard Soil

Some seed falls on hard soil, like a footpath walked on over and over. The beaten down surface cannot even absorb water without much back breaking labor. So, the seed never sprouts.

Wounded people covered with walls of protection cannot hear the truth about sex. They have shut themselves off, lest they face their past. Receiving the truth about sex will require them to chip away at hardened hearts to expose painful memories. They might have to turn their lives upside down and experience pain, grief, or regrets. Allowing themselves to feel will cause much pain, but will also create much joy and  real intimacy.

Shallow Soil

Some seed falls on shallow soil. Though the top is fertile, underneath is covered with rocks. The seed quickly sprouts, but without deep roots, a little dry weather causes the young sprouts to wither and die.

Many women quickly embrace God’s truth about sex. Initially filled with excitement, they can’t wait for things to change. But creating intimacy requires vulnerability, honesty, courage and persistence. Embracing God’s truth about sex will require that we remove the rocks – the lies that we believe, the baggage that impacts us, and the patterns that have formed. We must not only understand God’s truth but takes steps of action to change our reality. If we want to create intimacy then we must let our spouse know all of us, and have the courage to know them – even their brokenness. If  they don’t let their belief run deep, a little adversity will quickly cause them to just give up and stop trying.

Thorns

Some seed fell among the thorns and weeds. Though the seed quickly sprouted and grew, with time the weeds choked it out.

Some women not only embrace God’s truth about sex, but start putting things into action. Excited by the new growth they try new things, start communicating with their husband, and experience a new level of intimacy. But when the newness has worn off, life creeps back in – phones, computers, kids, ministry, work. Without the reminders of class, they stop planning new things or even finding the time to connect on a regular basis. Worries begin to seep in and they wonder if they really did receive healing from their past. Maybe they just weren’t made to enjoy sex. Maybe sex is not that big a deal.

Fertile

Some seeds fell on fertile soil and grew tall and strong.  They even produced new seeds – 30, 60 or even 100 times what was originally planted.

Some women embrace God’s truth about sex and grow deep roots. Even when they face challenges, they fight for their sex life and don’t give up. They keep learning about their spouse and exposing more of themselves. Working on their sex life improves other areas of their marriage too – communication, emotional intimacy, and feeling like a team even through the struggles. They don’t hide or keep secrets from each other.

Embracing God’s design for sex not only impacts them but it impacts others. They constantly talk to their kids about sex to help them navigate culture and look forward to marriage. Friends know who to go to when they have questions about sex. Even at church they constantly look for opportunities to share the truth about sex. Working on their sex life, not only impacts them but others.

Cultivating Your Soil

I love to garden but sometime the soil is not ideal. If the surface is hard, I use a pick ax or shovel to loosen it up to let water and nutrients in. Rocks must be removed to let the roots grow deep. Pulling weeds becomes a constant battle that gets easier with persistence. I add nutrients on a regular basis to encourage growth and keep the soil loose. With hard work, courage and persistence I create a beautiful garden.

We can change our soil too.  Regardless of your past experiences, you can experience healing, but it will take hard work. You will need to remove the coping mechanisms and protective walls to open your heart to the truth. Steps of actions and faith will let the truth sink in deep. You will need to guard your time together and intentionally plan dates, or even just going to be early. Make hard decisions to care for your marriage. Create fertile soil by surrounding yourself with others that value marriage and intimacy. Spend time connecting with God and get your strength from Him. God will not force us to embrace His truth but He will be with us every step of the way.

How do you tend your soil?

3 Ways to Embrace Godly Sexual Passion

Seven years ago when I had my awakening, one of the Christian Sex Bloggers that I stumbled upon was Julie Sibert from IntimacyinMarriage.com. She writes with wit and a don’t beat around the bush attitude. Julie has a ton of wisdom and experience helping others in their sex life and today I am honored to have Julie guest post. Enjoy!

I didn’t always have a good grasp on godly sexual passion. Fortunately, I learned! And along the way, I have encouraged others. Maybe that’s why you’ve landed at this blog post today. You want more godly sexual passion in your marriage and you’re curious what it will take to experience that.

Here are 3 ways to get there… 

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Model of a Great Marriage

People in my life modeled what great marriages looked like. I don’t think any of them actually talked to me about marriage. They simply lived it. From the time I was a small child, my eyes and my heart noticed couples that still had that spark. Some were relatives, some friends and others just acquaintances that I watched from afar. Regardless of whether your family has long standing marriages, you were raised by single parents, or you grew up in really challenging situation, we all need models of great marriages to both inspire us and to educate us.

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Get in the Game – Play Offense Not Defense

Far too many of us spend our lives constantly playing defense. We react to problems as they arise, focusing our time and energy because we must. We do what we have to do to salvage a relationship, get along and just survive. We put out the fires when and where they ignite. And we assume that if an issue doesn’t surface than we’re good. But what would happen, if instead of always playing defense, we played offense in marriage?

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Learn to Speak Your Spouse’s Language

My greatest desire is to connect emotionally with my husband. Over the past few years as my relationship with God has strengthened, I have started opening up so much more with Jim. At night I lay on my husband’s chest and pour my soul out to him. I share my insecurities, struggles with God, my hopes and my dreams and it has been amazing. The problem is that I don’t want my husband just to listen to me. I want him to emotionally connect with me too. I want him to become an equal partner.

Our Greatest Struggle

Connecting emotionally has become our greatest marital struggle. It is the crazy cycle that we enter over and over. Usually it goes something like this…

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Inside Your Circle – Working on Yourself.

ReEngage

The best thing Jim and I have done recently to strengthen our marriage was to attend a 16-week marriage ministry called ReEngage. We have since become leaders and taken multiple groups through. Every time we learn something new about ourselves and about each other. ReEngage uses a small group model to create a safe community where we can be honest, authentic, and real. We spend 8 weeks working on our relationship with God and 8 weeks learning about aspects of marriage. Alongside our spouse and 5 other couples, we dive deep into working on ourselves.

The Circle

One of the most powerful things we teach in ReEngage is to draw a circle around yourself and then to work on everyone that is inside the circle. Really staying in your circle is just a practical principal that empowers us to stop trying to change our spouse. Though it sounds like a simple thing, it is much harder to practice. Learning to stay in your circle will change your marriage, your parenting and even how you foster deep friendships.

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The Joy of Sharing Life

My husband and I are very different. We have different tastes, passions, and even things that we love during sex. As I have matured, I am learning the joy of sharing life. I find pleasure in  seeing delight in my husband’s eyes. I don’t try to convince myself to fall in love with something just so we can have common interests. I have fallen in love with seeing my husband’s love of life.

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A Slight Detour – And Finding Fun

Last week my husband and I took an unexpected detour. In the past, before I had learned how little control I have over life, I might have been upset at my husband when our plans changed. But I have grown to realize we have little control and when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

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Trust – An Essential Ingredient to Great Sex

Trust seems like such a basic  ingredient for a great sex life and yet I am just starting to understand the depth of importance. Though basic trust in a marriage feels very similar for men and women, the challenges men and women face during sex vary drastically. The first step to create trust is an awareness and empathy for each other’s struggles. I want to share some specific ways that wives and husbands needs vary in regards to trust.

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