Intercourse Insight

Intercourse is God’s design to make what seems like an impossibility, an opportunity for growth.

 Over the course of my marriage, intercourse has changed drastically from

  • something that I just endured
  • to something that frustrated the heck out of me
  • to something that I crave- regardless of whether I reach orgasm.

Intercourse, more than any other sexual act has stretched my husband and I to talk about really hard stuff. It has forced us to not just focus on mechanics but on connection. We have thrown out every preconceived idea of what intercourse looks like and instead created something that works for us. And we have grown enormously because of it, individually and as a couple.

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Does God have a Hierarchy of Orgasms?

I have a confession to make – for years I did not really enjoy intercourse. It just did nothing for me. In fact, many times it was even painful. And it used to upset me to read Christian books or blogs that said it is ok to enjoy the other stuff but intercourse should always be most important. It did not match my personal experience and it made me feel broken.

It was as if they were creating another expectation that I could not meet – a hierarchy of sexual enjoyment

  • Simultaneous orgasm during intercourse
  • Orgasm during intercourse hands free
  • Orgasm during intercourse with help
  • Orgasm during outer course
  • Orgasm during manual stimulation
  • Orgasm during oral stimulation
  • Orgasm using a vibrator
  • Orgasm while touching yourself

———-SCRATCH ————–

There is no hierarchy of sexual expression. God does not rate the sex acts.

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THE MAGIC THUMB

Sometimes a woman needs just a little something extra but doesn’t exactly know what. Intercourse feels sooo good, but we are just not quite there. A thumb might be just the trick.

When you have intercourse in the Woman on Top position, your husband can rest his thumb against your clitoris.  Or he can hold it just below to provide the little bit of tension or awareness you need.

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GREAT EXPECTATIONS – The Importance of Our Mind During Intercourse

The last 8 weeks we’ve been talking about How to have an orgasm during intercourse, and much of that time we’ve been talking about very physical aspects of sex.

Week 1 – the realities of orgasm during intercourse and ground rules

Week 2 – the importance of kegels for both him and her

Week 3 – the importance of talking about sex and how to do it

Week 4 – how to train our bodies to become more flexible in their responsiveness

Week 5 – the 3 main pathways for women to experience orgasm during intercourse

Week 6 – what our husbands can do to help in this journey

Week 7 – harnessing the power of the mind

Week 8 – the most successful positions and movements to have an orgasm during intercourse

It is important not to get lost in the technique and miss out on connecting with our spouse. If we are so focused on what the next move will be, or worrying about whether something is working, than are we really there? Are we really connecting?

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POSITIONS AND MOVEMENT FOR ORGASM DURING INTERCOURSE

If I discovered a magic position that all women would experience an orgasm during intercourse, then I would be a millionaire. I wish it were that simple. No magic position exists, but as we get to know ourselves and each other, we can learn to move in ways that target pleasure spots.

There are really only a handful of different positions but modifying them in small ways can make a huge difference in how they stimulate our bodies. Recognizing which pathway we are trying to stimulate – clitoral, G-spot, or Deep spot – will help us capitalize on the kind of movement that works best. Let’s approach this according to which pathway we are targeting. For the purpose of keying into what feels good, I would suggest that you limit other stimulation for the time being.

Although this article could be helpful for anyone, it is part of a series “How to have  an orgasm during intercourse”. If you are working towards that goal, please make sure that you read my previous articles The Big Question, His and Her KegelsTalk about What?Flexibility TrainingDifferent Pathways,  The Man Factor, and Mind over Matter

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MIND OVER MATTER

mind over matter 2

One of the things that made the biggest difference in my ability to enjoy intercourse was my mind. Women hear that the mind is our biggest sex organ and most of us agree. How many of us put that reality to use, and transform our sexual experiences by engaging our mind?

It is not uncommon to hear young brides express their confusion when the one thing that they have so carefully guarded, intercourse, does absolutely nothing for them. Some have masturbated and know the pleasure of orgasm and expect that intercourse will be the most magical experience. Instead they are left feeling confused and disillusioned.

I remember my young husband asking after intercourse, “Did you feel anything?”, and thinking to myself, “Not really”. It’s not that intercourse felt painful, it just literally did not feel like anything. Eventually I believed this was just how it was going to be. We practiced the “she comes first” mantra and for years it worked for us.

So what changed?

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How to Help Your Wife Orgasm During Intercourse

tango-dance-2

It takes two to tango – and it takes two to work towards having an orgasm during intercourse. My husband was a huge part of my learning to have an orgasm during intercourse. He gave me permission and encouraged me to take control of the movement so that I could figure out what felt good. His increased control of ejaculation allowed me plenty of time to experiment. He learned my orgasm triggers so that he could use them at just the right time. Most importantly, he made sure that I was never left hanging after intercourse so that every experience was positive. A sensitive, caring husband can make intercourse enjoyable whether their wife orgasms or not.

Although this article could be helpful for anyone, it  is part of a series “How to have an orgasm during intercourse”. If you are working towards that goal, please make sure that you read my previous articles The Big Question, His and Her Kegels ,Talk about What?,Flexibility Training,and Different Pathways

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DIFFERENT PATHWAYS

One of my favorite secular sex books is “Orgasms: how to have them, give them and keep them coming”by Lou Paget. I love her books because she does not try to define what women experience by scientifically studying them. Instead, she writes what thousands of women have shared about their sexual experiences.  In her book she states woman have experienced at least 10 different pathways to orgasm. Pretty remarkable if you ask me.

Please don’t think that I am pressuring women to once again perform. I simply want to encourage women to enjoy their experiences while remaining open to new possibilities. God gave us amazing bodies with unlimited potential for enjoyment.

It is important to understand the 3 main pathways of stimulation that women take to experience an orgasm during intercourse – clitoral, G-spot and deep spot. Understanding these pathways will help you recognize positions that may provide the kind of stimulation leading to orgasm during intercourse. Recognizing how the different orgasms feel as they approach will help you cue into the pleasure and go after it.  What I write is based on my own experiences, the experiences of women that have shared during class, and lots of reading.

Although this article could be helpful for anyone, it  is part of a series “How to have an orgasm during intercourse”. If you are working towards that goal, please make sure that you read my previous articles The Big Question, His and Her Kegels ,Talk about What? and Flexibility Training

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Flexibility Training for Orgasms

flexibility training

God created women with amazing minds and bodies that can learn how to respond sexually in countless ways. To work towards having an orgasm during intercourse, we need to become more flexible in how and what we respond to.

Learned Response

Just like playing different songs on the piano takes practice, so does responding sexually. If you practiced chop sticks an hour every day for a year, you would get very good at chop sticks, but you would struggle to play any other song. To play piano well you must practice different scales, different songs and at different tempos. Eventually piano players can become so proficient that they no longer depend on the music, but can play freely from memory, or ear.

Orgasm is a learned response to what our body finds enjoyable.  The first time we experience something, our body may not recognize it as something that enjoyable. As we anticipate good things and we build positive experiences, our body responds accordingly.

Although this article could be helpful for anyone, it  is part of a series “How to have an orgasm during intercourse”. If you are working towards that goal, please make sure that you read my previous articles The Big Question, His and Her Kegels and Talk about What?

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Talk about SEX?

CFC-talking-about-online-part3I don’t think great sex just happens. Real life is not like the movies where the guy confidently takes you in his arms, you melt at his touch as desire inflames your body, and intercourse simultaneously takes both of you to the moon and back.

Great sex happens because you are brave enough to talk about your needs and desires, and courageous enough to hear and honor your spouse’s needs and desires.

In order to work towards having an orgasm during intercourse, you must talk about sex. You must talk about where you are at, what you would like to try, let him know how he can help, and come up with a plan B.

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