Passionate Sex – Listening to Your Body

Recently I shared with a friend my frustrations of trying to move from great sex, to passionate sex. As she nodded her head in agreement, she replied, “I know exactly what you mean. I don’t know how to get there, but I know that I love sex with my husband after he’s had a shot of whiskey.”

I think most of us can relate. A glass of wine, a shot of whiskey, and we turn into a different person. We lose inhibitions and become freer. Rather than thinking about all the reasons we shouldn’t have sex – “the baby might wake”, “I have an early morning meeting”, “I haven’t shaved” – we fearlessly dive into our body’s desires. Instead of worrying about how much we are pleasing our spouse, or what we should do next, we enjoy the present. Though a decreased concern for someone else might sound unhealthy, in safe marriages, hunger for what we want, can fuel our spouse’s enjoyment as much as our own.

How Marriage Changes Passion

Passionate sex typically happens outside of marriage, not within marriage. One-night stands run on adrenaline that helps people let loose and show their deep desires. Without a permanent investment in the relationship, they don’t have to worry about what the other person will think of them the next morning. They just go for it.

But when we get married, everything changes.  Lacking adrenaline to reduce our inhibitions, we fear rejection from the most important person in the world. So we shrink back, and have safe, mediocre, boring sex. We focus on serving our spouse and meeting their needs.

But, “What do you want?” or, “How do I fulfill your needs?”, doesn’t exactly get the heart racing. Starved for passion, we can settle for living vicariously through others. Steamy movies or romance novels provide the passion to satisfy our craving for excitement. We begin to believe the lie that passionate sex and marriage can’t coexist.

But what if God never intended sex in marriage to be boring.

Song of Songs portrays a steaminess dripping with myrrh and all the finest spices. She invites him for an early outdoor adventure in the vineyard. He arouses her with words and bids her, “Come my darling, come with me.” We witness a striptease where she freely shares her body to tease his eyes. God’s book on intimacy portrays anything but boring sex. God’s books oozes passion.

So How Do We Create Passion in Marriage?

Create Trust in Your Marriage

To show your innermost desires, the things that really get your heart beating, requires great trust in your marriage. You both must be able to handle sexually charged situations without using laughter or jokes to mask discomfort. Our spouse’s desire and ideas must drive our excitement as much as our own.  Trust takes time to build, but it also requires that we put ourselves out there and fail a few times. If we always play it safe, how we will know that we can trust them. If we always play it safe, how will they learn to handle charged sexual energy.

We also have to trust that we are so bonded to our spouse, that when they listen to their body, it will benefit both of us. We must know that our spouse would never try to degrade us, use us or hurt us. Even when we might feel surprised, we must implicitly trust their heart, intentions and motivation. Can you trust that your spouse’s sexual desires were created by God and will benefit you too?

Trust Yourself

Sometimes we don’t allow ourselves to be passionate because we don’t trust ourselves. We wonder if we will go too far, or get too wild. Even when we understand that God wants us to enjoy sex, we can still hold shame when it comes to real freedom in the marriage bed. We feel like passionate sex might be this dark place that will suck us in and swallow us up. If God is with us, if we are creating intimacy with our spouse, then can we step into enjoying the freedom God intends? Can we move beyond operating in a way that our mind constantly checks our action, and trust even our own body?

Permission

Because of the ways that men have hurt women through sex, and the vulnerability of a woman opening herself up, most husbands face an uphill battle to build trust. Loving husbands will learn to focus more on her pleasure and making her feel safe. Constantly gauging her comfort level, hesitation or fear, they learn to rein themselves in. Their own desires become an afterthought.

As a wife gains confidence in her husband and in the bedroom, she may need to help him transition to thinking about himself for a change. Passionate sex runs on desire and he may have learned to ignore his needs long ago. Give him permission and encourage him to listen to his body. Take the lead and show him how to let desire fuel passion by enrapturing him. Be patient as he relearns how to listen to his body, and trust that you want what he wants.

Getting out of your Head and Into Your Body

We spend most of life, living in our head. In fact, many times we tune out our body to avoid feeling painful emotions like fear, loneliness or rejection. During sex we think about what we should do, monitor our spouse, or worry about performance. But in order to have passionate sex, you will need to learn to stop thinking, and start feeling. Your body, not your mind will drive your desires and create the passionate sex life you want.

Most of us aren’t used to spending time in our body and it will take practice outside of sex to get comfortable.

  • Hone into your senses during meals and taste the flavors of each bite. Smell the aromas that stir your hunger. Discover the textures that create variety and contrasts.
  • Learn to settle your mind during prayer. Don’t just listen to God but learn to experience His presence.
  • Exchange sensuous massages and listen to your body. What does it enjoy? What is your body asking for? Feel your spouse and allow yourself to be felt.

During sex, quiet your mind and listen to your body. Trust that your spouse will communicate needs without asking.  What feels good?. Is your body screaming for something?  What do you want? Reach down to share your deepest desires. Trust your spouse, trust yourself, and set yourself loose – even without a shot of whiskey.

Final Thoughts

Having passionate sex doesn’t happen on your own. It requires two healthy, sexually confident people to show up and share themselves. Receiving your spouses desires requires great care and an openness to explore new territory.

I believe that God wants us to move beyond just meeting each other’s needs into the secret place of deep knowing. Can you learn to trust, listen to your body, and embrace that passion that God created?

How have  you learned to create passion in your sex life?

A Resilient Sex Life That Will Last

Though we might not realize it, all of us will eventually face things that threaten our sex life. Sometimes the challenge lasts for a short season, like the lack of privacy when living with your in-laws during a housing transition. Other times the challenge lasts for a season like when you feel exhausted raising kids. And sometimes, the challenge might never end. Receiving treatment for prostate cancer may forever alter the way a husband’s body responds. Most of us wait to work on something until we have a problem.  But If you want to enjoy sex for a lifetime, choose today to create a resilient sex life that can handle the challenges of tomorrow.

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Balance of Independence and Dependence During Sex

A woman who could easily orgasm shared her frustration about her husband’s lack of interest in sex. Many reasons exist for a lack of interest, but her utter confidence in her own satisfaction, made me wonder if that had impacted her husband’s drive. Maybe he didn’t really feel needed, and don’t we all want to feel needed. Great sex requires a balance of independence during sex, and dependence on each other. Just like our relationship with God.

Even though God wants us to depend on Him, we also must do our part. We don’t just pray about getting healthy. We must choose to eat healthy food and exercise. Rather than just expecting God to heal us from past experiences, we go through a process of talking about it, choosing to forgive, and steps of faith. Yes, we need God, but we must take a step. Like the paralyzed man that Jesus asked, “Do you want to get well? Then get up, pick up your mat and walk”. Jesus did not stand him up. The man had to believe and stand up. During sex, we also need  both independence and dependence.

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The Importance of Being Selfish During Sex

Recently I read Love Worth Making by sex therapist Stephen Snyder. Rather than focusing on the physical aspect of of getting enough blood pumping to create orgasm, he focuses on the interplay of relationship dynamics and their impact on sexual satisfaction. An area of sexuality hard to measure or even study in the laboratory most women intuitively understand its importance. For us, the majority of excitement comes from our mind – how we feel about ourselves, how connected we are to our spouse and what we believe about sex. A key concept Snyder addresses is the importance of being selfish during sex.

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4 Reasons People Don’t Connect During Sex

I often write about the importance of connecting during sex, yet for most of us connection does not come easily or naturally. Though God intended we “know” each other through sex, many of us have no idea how to connect. We go through the motions, do what we can to make sex orgasmic and settle for a small taste of what God wants for us. The first step towards change is an awareness of what’s impacting our life that makes it hard to connect. Let me share four possible reasons why people don’t connect during sex to help you discover how to grow.

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4 Reasons the Lower Drive Spouse Might Lose Interest In Sex

Why is that when couples differ in drive, we assume the lower drive spouse has the issue? We think the one with the lower drive needs to change, get a new mindset, or understand how important sex is for their spouse.

Maybe it’s not that the lower drive spouse dislikes sex, but that they dislike the sex they are having.

Maybe the higher drive spouse needs to learn to have sex in a way that the lower drive spouse would deem worth having.

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Is Sex an Amazing Connecting Experience?

When I spoke at a moms group the other day, a few women lingered to ask questions.  After beating around the bush, one of the women finally had the courage to get to the crux of her situation.“You talk about how sex is supposed to be this amazing connecting experience. But honestly, I don’t really feel connected afterwards at all. Sex just seems so mechanical and not intimate.”

I suspect many women relate to what she expressed. Sex with our husband can feel mechanical. The constant movement of our husband can almost make us feel dizzy. Instead of feeling more, we feel less. We can seem like two separate people going through the motions striving to get to the finish line. Even if we experience pleasure or orgasm, we don’t necessarily feel connected to our husband afterwards.

Physical response does not equate to connection. We can fantasize our way to orgasm while in two completely different worlds. Or we could simply over ride the lack of connection with an intensity of physical stimulation. A loving husband distracted by thoughts of what to do next or his own performance can even be completely clueless to his wife’s discomfort. Orgasm without intimacy can feel empty and lonely.

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Learning to Dance as One

“We danced last night”, were the first words that she whispered to her husband as she awoke.

In a way, it had seemed like a dream.

The movement of bodies, not in unison, but in symphony. Not one doing the other, but oneness.

In Genesis 2:24 it says “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”

What if “become” is not a one time thing, but a lifetime thing. Maybe “become one flesh” is not just what happens when we get married or every time we have sex. What if “become one flesh” is this endless journey of being made into one by God.

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Letting Our Husband Lead

Let me say up front, I have not read the book “Fifty Shades of Grey”.

I have read enough about the book to get the general idea of the plot and the characters, and I have a theory about why women are so attracted to its pages.

We want our husbands to lead.  We want them to lead in bed, and sometimes we even want them to lead strongly.

Not in the twisted way that this character from “Fifty Shades of Grey” does, but with a selfless love of a husband that knows his wife.

We want our husbands tuned into our needs and our bodies so they know exactly what we want… maybe even before we know. We want them to hold us with a gentle firmness that says “I’ve got you.” We want them to explore us with the attention that they are utterly enthralled by our bodies, even when we feel insecure. We want them to take us down a path so confidently, that we can trust them, and stop worrying whether or not we will respond.  We want our husbands to lead.

The problem is…. we are awful at letting our husbands lead.

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TO ORGASM OR NOT TO ORGASM

The other night one of the ladies stayed after class to ask a question, “I was just wondering…” she said, “in our reading, a couple of places it has said that women don’t always need to have an orgasm. Do you agree with that?”

Her question reminded me of the importance of filtering everything we learn about sex through God’s word – even Christian resources.

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