The Importance of Being Selfish During Sex

Recently I read Love Worth Making by sex therapist Stephen Snyder. Rather than focusing on the physical aspect of of getting enough blood pumping to create orgasm, he focuses on the interplay of relationship dynamics and their impact on sexual satisfaction. An area of sexuality hard to measure or even study in the laboratory most women intuitively understand its importance. For us, the majority of excitement comes from our mind – how we feel about ourselves, how connected we are to our spouse and what we believe about sex. A key concept Snyder addresses is the importance of being selfish during sex.

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4 Reasons People Don’t Connect During Sex

I often write about the importance of connecting during sex, yet for most of us connection does not come easily or naturally. Though God intended we “know” each other through sex, many of us have no idea how to connect. We go through the motions, do what we can to make sex orgasmic and settle for a small taste of what God wants for us. The first step towards change is an awareness of what’s impacting our life that makes it hard to connect. Let me share four possible reasons why people don’t connect during sex to help you discover how to grow.

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4 Reasons the Lower Drive Spouse Might Lose Interest In Sex

Why is that when couples differ in drive, we assume the lower drive spouse has the issue? We think the one with the lower drive needs to change, get a new mindset, or understand how important sex is for their spouse.

Maybe it’s not that the lower drive spouse dislikes sex, but that they dislike the sex they are having.

Maybe the higher drive spouse needs to learn to have sex in a way that the lower drive spouse would deem worth having.

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Is Sex an Amazing Connecting Experience?

When I spoke at a moms group the other day, a few women lingered to ask questions.  After beating around the bush, one of the women finally had the courage to get to the crux of her situation.“You talk about how sex is supposed to be this amazing connecting experience. But honestly, I don’t really feel connected afterwards at all. Sex just seems so mechanical and not intimate.”

I suspect many women relate to what she expressed. Sex with our husband can feel mechanical. The constant movement of our husband can almost make us feel dizzy. Instead of feeling more, we feel less. We can seem like two separate people going through the motions striving to get to the finish line. Even if we experience pleasure or orgasm, we don’t necessarily feel connected to our husband afterwards.

Physical response does not equate to connection. We can fantasize our way to orgasm while in two completely different worlds. Or we could simply over ride the lack of connection with an intensity of physical stimulation. A loving husband distracted by thoughts of what to do next or his own performance can even be completely clueless to his wife’s discomfort. Orgasm without intimacy can feel empty and lonely.

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Learning to Dance as One

“We danced last night”, were the first words that she whispered to her husband as she awoke.

In a way, it had seemed like a dream.

The movement of bodies, not in unison, but in symphony. Not one doing the other, but oneness.

In Genesis 2:24 it says “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”

What if “become” is not a one time thing, but a lifetime thing. Maybe “become one flesh” is not just what happens when we get married or every time we have sex. What if “become one flesh” is this endless journey of being made into one by God.

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Letting Our Husband Lead

Let me say up front, I have not read the book “Fifty Shades of Grey”.

I have read enough about the book to get the general idea of the plot and the characters, and I have a theory about why women are so attracted to its pages.

We want our husbands to lead.  We want them to lead in bed, and sometimes we even want them to lead strongly.

Not in the twisted way that this character from “Fifty Shades of Grey” does, but with a selfless love of a husband that knows his wife.

We want our husbands tuned into our needs and our bodies so they know exactly what we want… maybe even before we know. We want them to hold us with a gentle firmness that says “I’ve got you.” We want them to explore us with the attention that they are utterly enthralled by our bodies, even when we feel insecure. We want them to take us down a path so confidently, that we can trust them, and stop worrying whether or not we will respond.  We want our husbands to lead.

The problem is…. we are awful at letting our husbands lead.

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TO ORGASM OR NOT TO ORGASM

The other night one of the ladies stayed after class to ask a question, “I was just wondering…” she said, “in our reading, a couple of places it has said that women don’t always need to have an orgasm. Do you agree with that?”

Her question reminded me of the importance of filtering everything we learn about sex through God’s word – even Christian resources.

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Comfort SEX

I never thought that I would reach for my husband when I felt sad, stressed or overwhelmed. Things have drastically changed. Finding comfort through sex has been one of the most surprising results of figuring out this thing called SEX.

In Awaken-Love classes we talk about all the reasons that God created sex. The book Intimate Issues shares that one of the reasons is for comfort. After David and Bathsheba lost their child in 2 Samuel 12:24 it says, “Then David comforted his wife Bathsheba, and he went to her and lay with her.”

In class, I often ask if any of the women can relate to sex as a comfort. Often I hear about women comforting a husband because of a bad day at work, a job loss, or even a death in the family. We tend to think about sex being a comfort for men. Remember, this was David comforting Bathsheba, not Bathsheba comforting David. God intended sex to comfort wives, too.

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Turning the Tables

Melanie

Many wives welcome the idea of their husband sweeping them off their feet.  When he takes charge, she can relax and her mind stops spinning as she surrenders to the journey. His leading brings her pleasure and affirms that his desire is for her. Whether that looks like being ravaged by her husband, an indulgent hours long evening of oneness or anything in between, it takes intention and leadership on her husbands’ part to bless his wife with such an experience.

As wives, I don’t think we fully appreciate the joy that our husbands experience when we are pleased.  On The Marriage Bed husbands have commented:

“Giving my wife an orgasm is more pleasing to me than my own.”

“I love pleasing my wife, nothing makes me happier than knowing she’s satisfied…And I also really love her body and enjoy getting to explore it all.”

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How to love your wife with oral sex

Many of these concepts are based on Ian Kerner’s  She Comes First: The thinking man’s guide to pleasuring a woman

After teaching over 500 women about sex, it is clear that most wives have the same insecurity, “Does he really want to be down there.”  Husbands, you need to know that wives have a terrible time believing that you like the taste, your neck isn’t in knots, and that you aren’t just doing it because we want you to.

Your wife needs to know that you enjoy giving her oral sex, and the only way she will know, is if you tell her. You will need to tell her time and time again, because the same insecurity will show its head over, and over, and over…

If you have ever viewed oral sex in pornography, then erase every image and memory, because what real women enjoy is nothing like what you have seen.

Now, if you haven’t read my article on “Rubbing vs. Feeling – Manual stimulation” a couple of weeks ago, then go back and read it before you go any further, because the same concepts apply to oral sex.

God wants husbands and wives to “know” each other through sex. Your intuitive wife will know whether you are just wildly flicking your tongue around trying to get something to work, or if you are actually present, feeling her through your tongue, sensing the changes to her body, and taking her somewhere.

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