Q&A: Correcting Wrong Thinking about Sex
We received the following question from a reader recently:
Is there help for me? Sex is so messed up in my mind. Growing up in the “Bible belt” had its positives and also extreme negatives. I am trying to get over the “sex is bad” indoctrination that I grew up with… and not even in an overt manner. It was just a constant undercurrent of life that “good girls” don’t have sex and don’t enjoy it. These beliefs were used to discourage premarital sex but now they linger in me after 15 years of marriage!!! We had our 15 year anniversary in February and something in me snapped in May of this year. I just refuse to have an inadequate sex life with my husband any longer. In the past I have had no sex drive and no sexual desire. I have never orgasmed during sex (which makes no sense my hubby is very attractive and patient). So I just started buying book after book to figure out what is wrong with me. And started buying adult toys. And I try to think about sex much more often during the day to keep myself “up” for when my husband gets home (trying out romance novels to help with this and homeschooling simultaneously is difficult). We are having sex WAY more often (practice makes perfect, right?) — like every other day instead of 12 times PER YEAR as in the past. But I can’t get past the feeling that what we do is “dirty” and “bad”. And I’m often still embarrassed to try things with my husband (of 15 years!). We waited to have sex until our wedding night, but that still didn’t start our marriage on the “right foot.” There’s probably “nothing new under the sun” in regards to my problem. I’m just hoping for hope (and a few practical tips maybe). Why am I so messed up in my head?!?!
Can I just say how awesome I think your attitude is towards wanting to shed off that wrong thinking about sex!!!! You really seem to be approaching this from the right angle. You are making an effort to think about sex throughout the day and you are committed to improving what God has given you in your sexual relationship with your husband. That is a great start! So where do you go from here in ridding yourself of those thoughts you are still battling that sex is bad? I have a few suggestions.
First, try to surround yourself with people who think positively about godly sexuality. Reading our blog is one way, but also try to develop friendships with like minded people. The more you have right messages reinforced the easier it will be to develop a habit of thinking rightly about sex.
Also consider doing a study on the Song of Solomon. That book is packed with godly sensuality. Read it over repeatedly and as you do, pray for God to teach your mind and heart what His true plan is for your sexuality. As well, continue to read the books on godly sexuality. There is a new book that has just been released called The Sexually Confident Wife. Stay tuned for a detailed book review coming soon to Christian Nymphos, but it is one I have ordered because from the comments I have read about it I am pretty certain that it will speak to a lot of the issues that you mentioned and I will certainly benefit from some fresh teaching on that.
Be sure that your husband knows what your love language is so that he can communicate his love for you in a way you understand. Often when our spouse is speaking our love language, it goes a long way in causing us to feel loved which is an important part of arousal for a lot of people.
Also spend some time asking the Lord to remove the lie from you that “sex is bad and dirty.” Then ask Him what the truth is and every time those wrong thoughts come up again, remind yourself of what He said was true, out loud if it helps.
Regarding being embarrassed to try some things with your husband, you are kind of like newlyweds again with your realization of how much more God has for you in this area so I think that it’s normal for you to feel some embarrassment. I think that as you continue to explore sex that many of those things will become comfortable for you and then you can challenge yourself with something else. Just enjoy the journey. You are certainly not the first woman to experience this and you won’t be the last. And hopefully over time, you can be the voice of truth for young women around you as they mature into godly women who are engaging sex partners towards their husbands.
You are on the right track. Just keep on praying for truth and putting forth the effort I see you making. Thanks for sharing your story with us.