Low drive….can you help me?
We received this email…
“I’ve been married for just over 3 years now. I cannot orgasm during intercourse which causes me to be very indifferent to sex altogether. Oral is fun sometimes but I just don’t care much for it either. I am definitely a low drive kind of person. My problem is that I desperately want to have more of a drive, not for myself, but for my husband. I’m finding that I lack motivation, and more then anything I’m frustrated with the constant reminders from my husband that I need to check out sites like these and get to be more “normal.” Any advice or suggestions would be much appreciated!!!”
I started to write this article in a different direction, but I had a change of mind…God spoke to me. Let me see if I can help you.
My husband thinks I could have written this email. Well, three years ago, I could have. I had been a refuser for many years. I had no drive at all really after my kids were born. I wasn’t really interested in sex at all. I had a hard time orgasming, too. I had absolutely no problem with orgasms when I lived a life of sin before I got married. I even had great orgasms after I got married. The day my dear son was conceived was an A+ in the annals of orgasm history. After that first child was born….nothing. Now the question above didn’t mention if there were children in the picture or not, and it isn’t really an important part of the answer if there is or not.
Satan usually is the culprit behind things such as these. A lot of people like to blame God. “If God wanted me to enjoy sex, I would be enjoying it.” “If God intended for me to be a truly sexual and orgasmic being, he would have created me that way”…. the list goes on. It makes me wonder why God still loves us so much when we blame him for everything. Satan gets such glee when he can get us to do this. But if you truly seek out God during times of trials, you’ll find that He will point out the true culprit. He’ll help you wade through all the lies being fed to you by Satan and his other fallen angels.
In my case, Satan pulled out my past. He allowed me to punish myself with my past. I was such a sinner as far as sex before marriage was concerned. When I became a Christian, Satan pulled that out of the hat after my wedding to the most wonderful man God could possibly choose for me. My husband had forgiven my past, God had forgiven me of my past, but I hadn’t forgiven myself. So deep down inside was my past…and Satan opened Pandora’s Box and tormented me with my sexual sin. Without realizing it, I allowed Satan into my mind and my life. As soon as my son was born, I lost my orgasm. It started with “Mom’s don’t have sex,” and even when I did have sex with my husband, it wasn’t gratifying or fulfilling….not because of anything he was doing, but because Satan would talk to me the entire time and convince me how much I didn’t like what I was doing. Notice, I didn’t say “when I did make love to my husband”….Satan had me convinced that it was just sex. That is so wrong!!
Do you have anything that is hidden so deep that you may not even consciously be aware of that Satan could have his talons gripped on?
For me, my job as a mom took much higher precedence than my job as a wife. That is where my mistakes started. God should have been first on my priority list. Even He was put on the back burner. I was a working mom with guilt over putting my child in daycare. I would come home after a day of work trying to get as much time in with my son as I could, that I would be worn out from it all and have no energy for my husband at all. His needs were even behind my own needs. I know now that I hurt him very badly during that time. In my heart, I knew it was wrong. The Holy Spirit was trying to tell me this, but Satan kept convincing me otherwise. My husband would suggest books that I should read. Heck, no, I wasn’t going to read them! And websites like The Marriage Bed that at the time were HELPING him, well, I wouldn’t read those either. Still, the Holy Spirit was working in me to try to get through all the tangled mess that Satan had woven in my mind.
God has a perfect time for everything. He knew 3 years ago, that I was at a point when I was desperate for his help. I’ve been that way one other time in my life that I can remember….the night that I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior. God showed me the truth and exposed all the lies I had believed for so long. I saw my husband in a new light. I became more open to reading articles on Christian websites and not getting offended by them. I slowly became more aware of my body and it’s needs. Touches that I learned to like when I was 8 years old when I learned how to masturbate. I became more open to communicating with my husband, telling him what I needed to make things feel good for us both when we made love. Yeah, this time, it was love making. We slowly brought a few toys in to help with days we couldn’t reach climax for me.
My problem is that I desperately want to have more of a drive, not for myself, but for my husband.
This was me, too, but dear readers, it has to be for you, too. When I experienced my awakening, it was such an exhilarating feeling to desire my husband so much. I wanted to keep that drive going forever for myself! (Yes, it was for him, too, but wow, it was incredible!)
I’m finding that I lack motivation, and more then anything I’m frustrated with the constant reminders from my husband that I need to check out sites like these and get to be more “normal.”
Briefly, let me tell you something bold, sisters. God doesn’t make any junk. He creates special unique men and women in His image, so there is nothing abnormal about you. Nothing. That is the lies of Satan right there to tell anyone that they are not normal. Right now, you are where you are in your life as part of God’s plan. You might be in the building phase for something new and beautiful. Ever watch a house go up? Not really pretty when it is just a slab of a foundation or a skeleton of the walls. But little by little, master craftsmen make it into a beautiful home. Think of this experience as something that you are building to. Reach out to your Creator and ask him to reveal some of His master plan to you. Search out the God of all Creation, and ask Him to help you to see yourself in a new light. He can help you to see who you really are and He will show you what your husband sees in you. When His work in you is complete, you will not see or experience anything more beautiful.
Start by praying. Ask God to make you into the wife He intended for your husband. It’s a hard prayer at first. I didn’t want to change, but I knew that I wasn’t all that God intended for my husband. Little by little, God took that prayer and showed me the wife He intended for my husband. Wow, is all I can say. She is there in you, too, dear ones. Make your motivation to make yourself into who God truly sees you as.
Communicate to your husband when things aren’t working right or if you want to try something different. He can’t read your mind, so if something isn’t working, ask to try a new position. Practice touching yourself so that you can tell him all the right places to touch. Take nice long baths where you can just explore yourself and bring yourself to orgasm. Or if you don’t feel comfortable with touching yourself at first, use a small vibrator or a vibrating bullet or egg. If you can bring yourself to orgasm, you have more tools to help him bring you to orgasm. Teach him how to get you close during oral sex and then enter you at just the right minute. But the key is keeping those doors of communication open. Don’t communicate with Satan….block him out. Ban him from your bedroom. Pray with your husband before love making. Ask God to bless your union with all the pleasure that He intends for you and your husband. When God is a part of your marriage bed, there is nothing but happy times to come!
May God bless all of you with problems like this sister in Christ. I know there are many of you. I will be praying for you.
Reproduced from http://christiannymphos.org/2008/10/14/low-drivecan-you-help-me/