Train Your Body to Become More Responsive During Sex

Culture teaches that great sex just happens naturally. So, when a woman’s body does not respond during intercourse, it is easy for her to feel broken or defective. If we can hold back the shame, in time we will realize that God created women with amazing bodies that can learn to respond sexually in countless ways. With practice, hard work and courage we can discover new things. We can’t just try the same things over and over. We must train our body to be more flexible in how and what we respond to so that our body learns to enjoy different types of love making – even intercourse.

Learned Response

Orgasm is a learned response to what your body finds enjoyable.  If you aren’t familiar with your own body, it may take time to wake up. In the beginning you may feel nervous or self-conscious, and sexual stimulation might not feel amazing. But the more you create positive experiences, the more you anticipate good things and the faster your body responds.  So be patient, push yourself to try new things, create positive experiences and build on what you learn.

Just like playing different songs on the piano takes practice, so does responding sexually. If you practiced chop sticks an hour every day for a year, you would get very good at chop sticks, but you would struggle to play any other song. To play piano well you must practice different scales, different songs, different tempos and different styles. Eventually accomplished piano players can become so proficient that they no longer depend on the music, but can freely create a full range of expressions.

Train Your Body

One of the most interesting secular books that I have read on having an orgasm during intercourse is “How to have an orgasm…as often as you want.” by Rachel Swift. After years of frustration over her lack of response during intercourse, she developed a program to train her body to become more flexible in its response. She teaches her body to respond to different simulations, in different positions, and different locations.  Eventually her body becomes so flexible to what it will respond to that even the stimulation during intercourse will cause her to orgasm every time.

I don’t necessarily agree with her training program, but her experience backs up the principle that women’s bodies can learn new things. If God designed sex as a way to get to know each other, maybe we have a lot to discover together. Some of the concepts might help us experience more during sex.  So, let’s look at this whole concept of training our bodies.

Practice Often

Just like playing the piano, you must practice and practice often. If you are only having sex once a week, then you basically start over every week – nervous, anxious and wondering how you will respond. When you have sex often (my definition of sex is broad – not just intercourse), your mind can relax and your body begin to recognize places that it has been before and enjoyed. The more your body anticipates positive experiences, the quicker it responds. If you want to make progress towards becoming more responsive, then you need to have sex often.

Expand our Flexibility

In order to expand our flexibility, we need to train our bodies to enjoy new sensations. Rather than sticking with what worked previously, change it up. If you enjoy manual stimulation a certain way, then change it up. Try a different motion or pace. Try indirect touch instead of direct touch. Have him touch you through your clothes or with the palm of his hand instead of his fingers.  Use a soft object or his penis to touch your vulva. Be patient because it takes time for your body to learn new things. Stay relaxed, pay attention to what starts to become enjoyable and keep practicing until you get there. Thank God for every new sensation that you experience and enjoy the journey as God opens up new pathways to orgasm.

Different Positions

So much of intercourse is related to the positions that we use. To move towards having an orgasm during intercourse, practice manual or oral stimulation in different positions. Can you orgasm kneeling as if you were straddling your husband? Can you orgasm on your side, when you are spooning? Are you able to orgasm standing up? Train your body to respond to manual stimulation in these positions to increase the chances of responding during intercourse. Could we even learn to like different positions by creating positive experiences?

Quick Response

Could I train my body to respond quickly when I wanted to? Sometimes I think I hold off orgasm simply because I want to enjoy sex longer.What if I knew that I only had a couple of minutes before we would be interrupted? Could my body kick into gear? Could I train my body to jump into hyper-drive because we had limited time? Imagine the fun scenarios we could dream up when time was of the essence? Maybe we have more control over our orgasms than we think.

Final Thoughts

Some of us have resigned ourselves to a sex life of limited possibilities. Your body has the capacity to learn new things – even when it comes to your sexuality. If you want sex to improve then think about how you can train your body to become more flexible in its response. Imagine positive experiences to create anticipation for pleasure. Practice new things until they become easy.  Train your body to respond with different stimulation, in different positions or with limited time. God’s created sex to get to know each other. When you stretch yourself and learn new things, you get to know each other in new ways. Enjoy learning new things together and you might discover that the journey is just as enjoyable as the destination.

Rewritten from original post Flexibility Training for Orgasms  on 3/8/2015

Conversations to Improve Intercourse

I don’t think great sex just happens. Real life is not like the movies where he confidently takes you in his arms, desire inflames your body, and intercourse simultaneously takes both of you to the moon and back. Great sex happens because you muster enough courage to talk about your needs and desires, and can hear and honor your spouse’s needs and desires. If you want to make intercourse more pleasurable, then it will require you to have some hard conversations. You must talk about where you are at, what you would like to try, let him know how he can help, and prepare with back-up plans.

Getting Honest

Our husband cannot always tell if we finish during intercourse, especially if we let our bodies become aroused enough to possibly orgasm. If you want intercourse to improve, then you have to be honest with him about everything – even whether you finished.

Your husband might already know you don’t orgasm during intercourse, but the two of you have never really spoken about it. Or maybe your husband thinks you finish every time because sometimes you do, and he can’t really tell the difference when you don’t. Or maybe you’ve gotten into the habit of faking it in order to give him permission to finish. Either way, if you want to improve intercourse, you need to share the truth.

Hard conversations about sex probably shouldn’t take place in the bedroom, or right after sex. Find a neutral location when both of you are rested to approach the topic.

The conversation might go something like this…

“When we have intercourse, I love feeling close to you, and I love feeling you inside of me. Even though I thoroughly enjoy it, I don’t always finish. I wish it was simpler for me, but sometimes my body is just tricky. It is nothing that you do, for most women sex just isn’t that easy. I am still learning how my body works and what feels good. I want to be honest with you, because I want to work toward making intercourse amazing for both of us. I need to know that you care, that you can handle knowing the truth and that you will work with me to make things even better.”

Taking Charge

In order to figure out what feels really good during intercourse we need to have the freedom to control the movement, the tempo and the progression. Probably the easiest way, is for you to climb on top and straddle him. In this position, you can adjust the angle, linger in certain areas, and align different body parts. You can also control the tempo of stimulation and the pace that things progress.  Don’t be afraid to take charge.

The idea that we are supposed to just lay back while our husband gives us an orgasm is a lie. Our husband moves likes he wants to in order to orgasm during intercourse. We have permission to do the same.

The conversation might sound something like this….

In order to figure out what feels really good to me, I need to try some new things. I’d like to try being on top and have you just lay still while I move and experiment. I need the freedom to do this from time to time so that I can reinforce and revisit things that feel good.”

His Support

Your husband can make a world of difference by being your rock and your cheerleader. When things don’t go as hoped, his loving assurances can keep you from giving up. If you feel discouraged, he can remind you of how much you’ve learned and grown. When you become frustrated and need a break, he can take you to other places. Tell him how he can help you. He wants to be your hero.

The conversation might sound something like this…

“If I give up, I need you to take care of me. I need you to let me know that you care. I need you to remind me of the progress that I am making and the new things that we are learning together. “

Remove the Pressure

In order to take the pressure off both of you, you need a plan B; a way for you to finish if you don’t orgasm during intercourse. Just because he has an orgasm, does not mean that sex must be over.

There are a couple of reasons a plan B is so important. First, you do not want to set up a pattern of disappointment by leaving your body hanging time after time. Soon your body will begin to expect disappointment and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Second, you want to enjoy what is going on instead of worrying. If your husband is lying there thinking, “Am I going to last long enough?”, and you are thinking, “Am I going to make it?”, then are you really connecting? Give yourself the freedom to be present and enjoy the new sensations you experience together without worrying about disappointment.

So what does a plan B look like….

Come up with a way for you to finish after he has an orgasm, even if he’s getting sleepy. It might mean finishing yourself with your hands while he holds you or plays with your breasts. It might mean pulling out a vibrator and having him hold it for you. He might want to use his hands or mouth on you.  The key is not shutting yourself down because you didn’t finish during intercourse. It is not too much work, time, or trouble. You are absolutely worth it, so enjoy it.

The conversation outside of the bedroom might sound something like…

“I want to work towards having an orgasm during intercourse, but I know that won’t always happen. It’s hard when I am left hanging, and I find myself worrying during sex instead of enjoying it. Can we come up with a way for me to finish, even after you’re done, so we both can enjoy sex. Maybe you could finish me with your hands, or your mouth, or a vibrator.”

Then you need to come up with simple phrases that you can use after intercourse to let him know you are not done.

For example…

“Can we keep going?”

“Want to get the bullet?”

“Hold my breasts while I finish.”

Or if it’s too hard for you to ask in the moment, then challenge him to ask. Maybe every time you have sex, he expectantly asks,

Want to keep going?”

Having a Plan B will revolutionize your sex life. Instead of worrying, you will have the freedom to play, experiment, connect with each other and enjoy the journey. When you don’t worry about the finish line, you discover amazing new things.

Getting Started

The hard conversations we had about sex were the catalyst for huge changes in our marriage bed.  We spent years having sex without really being able to talk about anything. Our first step of getting comfortable talking about sex, was a reading a sex book out loud to each other. Pick up a copy of Awaken Love to read together and spend time discussing what you are learning. It even has discussion questions after each chapter that will help you dig deeper. Once you can talk about sex, you can move towards some of the harder conversations to improve intercourse.

Whether or not you have an orgasm during intercourse, make it an intimate, pleasurable time of connection for both of you. When you can have honest conversations about sex without getting prickly, there is no limit to what you can discover.

Next time – Flexibility Training

Rewritten from original post of “Talk about Sex?” from 3/8/2015

conversations about intercourse

Orgasm During Intercourse? The Big Question

The most common sex questions is, “How do I have an orgasm during intercourse?” Most women struggle to consistently respond during intercourse. In fact some of us might never have an orgasm  during intercourse. Regardless of whether you orgasm, I believe that we have much to learn in order to make intercourse more connecting and pleasurable. And when you go on a journey of discovery, you never know what you might find.

My Story

When I got married and had questions about sex, I bought a secular book, “For Yourself” by Lonnie Barbach. Like most secular books, it clearly communicated that the chance of having an orgasm during intercourse was pretty slim. Most women orgasm from stimulation of the clitoris, and intercourse simply does not provide the stimulation that we need.  The book recommended focusing on what worked for a woman, and letting go of any expectation during intercourse.

So that’s what we did. We basically subscribed to the “she comes first” mantra. My husband would pleasure me and then afterwards finish inside of me.  Intercourse became something for my husband and not something I looked forward to. We assumed that me finishing during intercourse would never happen so we stopped even trying.

Years later after reading a ton of books on sex,  I recognized a huge divide between what secular books and Christian books teach. Most Christian books seem to make orgasm during intercourse the ultimate goal.  Manual techniques are just a step in the progression to learn to respond during.  Some books recommended the perfectly timed transition from foreplay to intercourse. Others suggested a strategic tilt of her hips as the magic formula. One Christian book proclaimed if a woman doesn’t orgasm during intercourse she has not surrendered to her husband. It is no surprise that women who don’t orgasm during intercourse can wonder what’s wrong with them.

As Christians, we need to be very careful not to create a hierarchy of sex. God created different ways to enjoy each other and one is not better than another. Don’t feel like you are not having “real sex” because you have not experienced orgasm during intercourse. Oral sex or manual stimulation is sex. It is not just foreplay.

But can we find a middle ground between giving up on intercourse and making orgasm during intercourse the ultimate goal.? Where we can grow and learn, without expectations or pressure that make us feel broken. A middle ground where we can embrace intercourse as a way that to intimately connect and experience pleasure – regardless of whether the wife has an orgasm.

So this series is not going to be about how to have an orgasm during intercourse. It is going to be about making intercourse a mutually fulfilling, way to connect – regardless of whether you have an orgasm.

So I want to start by helping you understand the reality of women.

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orgasm during intercourse

Passionate Sex – Listening to Your Body

Recently I shared with a friend my frustrations of trying to move from great sex, to passionate sex. As she nodded her head in agreement, she replied, “I know exactly what you mean. I don’t know how to get there, but I know that I love sex with my husband after he’s had a shot of whiskey.”

I think most of us can relate. A glass of wine, a shot of whiskey, and we turn into a different person. We lose inhibitions and become freer. Rather than thinking about all the reasons we shouldn’t have sex – “the baby might wake”, “I have an early morning meeting”, “I haven’t shaved” – we fearlessly dive into our body’s desires. Instead of worrying about how much we are pleasing our spouse, or what we should do next, we enjoy the present. Though a decreased concern for someone else might sound unhealthy, in safe marriages, hunger for what we want, can fuel our spouse’s enjoyment as much as our own.

How Marriage Changes Passion

Passionate sex typically happens outside of marriage, not within marriage. One-night stands run on adrenaline that helps people let loose and show their deep desires. Without a permanent investment in the relationship, they don’t have to worry about what the other person will think of them the next morning. They just go for it.

But when we get married, everything changes.  Lacking adrenaline to reduce our inhibitions, we fear rejection from the most important person in the world. So we shrink back, and have safe, mediocre, boring sex. We focus on serving our spouse and meeting their needs.

But, “What do you want?” or, “How do I fulfill your needs?”, doesn’t exactly get the heart racing. Starved for passion, we can settle for living vicariously through others. Steamy movies or romance novels provide the passion to satisfy our craving for excitement. We begin to believe the lie that passionate sex and marriage can’t coexist.

But what if God never intended sex in marriage to be boring.

Song of Songs portrays a steaminess dripping with myrrh and all the finest spices. She invites him for an early outdoor adventure in the vineyard. He arouses her with words and bids her, “Come my darling, come with me.” We witness a striptease where she freely shares her body to tease his eyes. God’s book on intimacy portrays anything but boring sex. God’s books oozes passion.

So How Do We Create Passion in Marriage?

Create Trust in Your Marriage

To show your innermost desires, the things that really get your heart beating, requires great trust in your marriage. You both must be able to handle sexually charged situations without using laughter or jokes to mask discomfort. Our spouse’s desire and ideas must drive our excitement as much as our own.  Trust takes time to build, but it also requires that we put ourselves out there and fail a few times. If we always play it safe, how we will know that we can trust them. If we always play it safe, how will they learn to handle charged sexual energy.

We also have to trust that we are so bonded to our spouse, that when they listen to their body, it will benefit both of us. We must know that our spouse would never try to degrade us, use us or hurt us. Even when we might feel surprised, we must implicitly trust their heart, intentions and motivation. Can you trust that your spouse’s sexual desires were created by God and will benefit you too?

Trust Yourself

Sometimes we don’t allow ourselves to be passionate because we don’t trust ourselves. We wonder if we will go too far, or get too wild. Even when we understand that God wants us to enjoy sex, we can still hold shame when it comes to real freedom in the marriage bed. We feel like passionate sex might be this dark place that will suck us in and swallow us up. If God is with us, if we are creating intimacy with our spouse, then can we step into enjoying the freedom God intends? Can we move beyond operating in a way that our mind constantly checks our action, and trust even our own body?

Permission

Because of the ways that men have hurt women through sex, and the vulnerability of a woman opening herself up, most husbands face an uphill battle to build trust. Loving husbands will learn to focus more on her pleasure and making her feel safe. Constantly gauging her comfort level, hesitation or fear, they learn to rein themselves in. Their own desires become an afterthought.

As a wife gains confidence in her husband and in the bedroom, she may need to help him transition to thinking about himself for a change. Passionate sex runs on desire and he may have learned to ignore his needs long ago. Give him permission and encourage him to listen to his body. Take the lead and show him how to let desire fuel passion by enrapturing him. Be patient as he relearns how to listen to his body, and trust that you want what he wants.

Getting out of your Head and Into Your Body

We spend most of life, living in our head. In fact, many times we tune out our body to avoid feeling painful emotions like fear, loneliness or rejection. During sex we think about what we should do, monitor our spouse, or worry about performance. But in order to have passionate sex, you will need to learn to stop thinking, and start feeling. Your body, not your mind will drive your desires and create the passionate sex life you want.

Most of us aren’t used to spending time in our body and it will take practice outside of sex to get comfortable.

  • Hone into your senses during meals and taste the flavors of each bite. Smell the aromas that stir your hunger. Discover the textures that create variety and contrasts.
  • Learn to settle your mind during prayer. Don’t just listen to God but learn to experience His presence.
  • Exchange sensuous massages and listen to your body. What does it enjoy? What is your body asking for? Feel your spouse and allow yourself to be felt.

During sex, quiet your mind and listen to your body. Trust that your spouse will communicate needs without asking.  What feels good?. Is your body screaming for something?  What do you want? Reach down to share your deepest desires. Trust your spouse, trust yourself, and set yourself loose – even without a shot of whiskey.

Final Thoughts

Having passionate sex doesn’t happen on your own. It requires two healthy, sexually confident people to show up and share themselves. Receiving your spouses desires requires great care and an openness to explore new territory.

I believe that God wants us to move beyond just meeting each other’s needs into the secret place of deep knowing. Can you learn to trust, listen to your body, and embrace that passion that God created?

How have  you learned to create passion in your sex life?

The Purity Culture – How to Move Beyond the Fallout

Recently the news has been filled with fallout from the short comings of the purity movement. Many wives in Awaken Love classes relate to the challenge of embracing sex when the only message they heard was, “Don’t do it!” Other women just gave up trying to be pure. Once lines were crossed – whether it was their choice or not – they figured they were already ruined, so why try. And I’ve met plenty of brides that felt confused and angry when sex didn’t feel amazing, even though they followed all the rules. But pointing out the failings of the purity culture only casts blame. How do we move beyond the purity culture, not only for ourselves but for future generations?

Healing for You

If you grew up during the purity movement, you may have related to one of the examples of fallout. Regardless, we all have believed lies about sex and we all have sexual brokenness. Don’t put off working on your marriage bed until years of resentment build. Make it all that God intended by taking an Awaken Love class, joining a Passion Pursuit study, reading my book Awaken Love, or meeting with a counselor. Regardless of where you have been or what you have been through, go after healing. We cannot change the past, but we can take responsibility for pursuing our own healing today.

Moving Forward in The Church

The main message of the purity movement, waiting to have sex until marriage, was not wrong. God created sex as a way to unite marriages and to create a deep intimacy. Connecting intimately during sex also helps us understand deep intimacy with Christ.

Saving sex for marriage shows trust in God’s goodness and spares us natural consequences. God is not stingy. He wants to protect us from broken hearts, comparisons of past experiences, or creating a habit of disconnection during sex. But when we only hear, “Don’t do it”, we haven’t received the full picture of sex. We need to know what we are saving ourselves for.

God created sex for marriage and it is definitely something to look forward to. Though it will take hard work in marriage to create a mutually satisfying sex life, God creates intimacy through the struggle. Song of Songs shows us the passion and intimacy God intends for marriage. Sex is something worth waiting for.

Single people also need to understand that crossing boundaries does not ruin them for life, like that flower that lost all of its petals. God is a God that forgives and redeems. When we repent, we can start fresh as we learn to live in a way that honors Him with sexual integrity. The church can’t be afraid to share with others what they’ve learned from their mistakes. Let’s equip others to make good choice for themselves. Let’s move beyond simple messages for “Don’t do it” or simplistic answers that convey fear and shame about sex.

Changing the Culture of Sex in the Church

It’s easy to complain about the faults of the purity movement, or throw up our arms because nothing ever changes in church. But I am here to encourage you and say that things can change. I’ve witnessed it.

Start at Home

The truth is that conversations in the home about sex have more of an impact than any youth group message, or sermon. When you grow up knowing that your parents enjoy sex and they aren’t afraid to talk with you about it, you end up with a healthy respect and attitude for sex. As parents, we cannot let message from culture, or porn, or even church, trump the influence that we have with our kids. If you don’t know where to start check out Tips for Conversations, What Do You Want to Communicate, and Creating New Messages for Teens. Work through your baggage around sex, embrace the freedom God intended for you, and start talking to your kids about what they are waiting for and why.

Churches

More and more churches address the topic of sex in a positive way. Recently a local church contacted me because they were doing a sermon series on sex.  They not only hosted an Awaken Love class, but the pastors facilitated the Men’s Edition class for the husbands. As a culmination to the series they invited me and 2 others from outside of the congregation to answer sex questions during church. Not only did we talk about sex, we talked about masturbation. This church normalized the conversation of sex and created a safe place to find answers. The silence and shame surrounding sex was replaced with God’s truth – and it came from the top down.

I’ve seen other churches open up the topic of sex when one individual stepped up. I’ve had lots of ladies seek approval to host Awaken Love video classes at their church. Sometimes the leaders are happy to help and offer a room, office help or even marketing. Other times leaders aren’t ready and the women end up hosting classes in their house.

Either way the transformation ripples out to create conversations about sex with spouses, kids, and in the church body. You do not have to wait for your church leadership to tackle the topic of sex. You can start by inviting a few friends from church in your corner of the world.

Final Thoughts

The purity movement missed the mark for many people. Thirty years later,  during the age of internet and porn, we cannot expect simple answers or formulas to work when we talk about navigating singleness. We must go after healing and embrace God’s gift of sex for ourselves first. Then when we talk to our kids, we become the source of Godly truth and real answers.

Help married couples understand the importance of sex and the freedom God offers. Create a safe place for singles to ask questions, understand natural consequences, and begin a journey of sexual integrity. Open up the conversation about sex in your church and see the impact ripple. Move beyond the purity culture and take sex back from the world.

Becoming a Sexually Confident Spouse

What does it take to create an amazing sex life?

It takes two sexually confident people, showing up and sharing themselves. Though you can’t change your spouse, you can work on yourself. We all have plenty  to work on, so here are 8 Characteristics  of a Sexually Confident Spouse.

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Restore Vulvar Skin with Julva

Navigating the changes of menopause comes with extra challenges if you love to have sex on a regular basis. When already sensitive skin loses its suppleness because of a lack of estrogen, it doesn’t take much for what used to be pleasurable to turn painful in a hurry. One of the products that I became curious about in restoring vulvar health was Julva, a cream created by OB/GYN Dr. Anna Cabeca. After finally tiring Julva myself for 2 months, I am eager to share about my experience.

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The Basics of Vulvar Skin Care

I have always had sensitive skin that required special care – especially my vulva. With a tendency toward yeast infections, an auto immune skin disease called Lichen Sclerosus, and the challenges of menopause, I finally made an appointment to see a Vulvar pain specialist. I found an amazing doctor who immediately put me at ease by asking questions and listening to my story.  What surprised me most was the importance she placed on the basics of vulvar skin care.  Many of her tips confirmed practices I had already put in place, but these important guidelines might be helpful for you too.

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A Resilient Sex Life That Will Last

Though we might not realize it, all of us will eventually face things that threaten our sex life. Sometimes the challenge lasts for a short season, like the lack of privacy when living with your in-laws during a housing transition. Other times the challenge lasts for a season like when you feel exhausted raising kids. And sometimes, the challenge might never end. Receiving treatment for prostate cancer may forever alter the way a husband’s body responds. Most of us wait to work on something until we have a problem.  But If you want to enjoy sex for a lifetime, choose today to create a resilient sex life that can handle the challenges of tomorrow.

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Husbands – Do You Want a Better Sex Life?

Many husbands are under the perception that if their wife just fixed her issues with sex, their problems would disappear. But marriage is a two-way street. Both husbands and wives have things to learn in order to create intimacy. If you want a better sex life,  will you invest just $20 to take Awaken Love Men’s Edition and learn how to love your wife better? Discover just how intimate your marriage can be!!

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