What’s New at Awaken Love for 2019

As we move into 2019, I cannot help but pause to thank God for what He has done at Awaken Love. Last year was a year of God’s provision and creating community.

2018

Last Spring God surprised me with funds to create more video classes. The Engaged Class launched to help couples understand God’s design for sex before marriage. Filled with practical tips, and discussion starters, opening up conversations about sex will help couples start off on the right foot

The Men’s Edition of Awaken Love was filmed in Dec and will launch in March.  Videos that parallel the women’s class, will help husbands understand their wives and move beyond just having sex to intimately connecting through sex.

My first book Awaken Love self published and already over 800 copies have sold. The book will act as a great entry point for those not ready to take a class, or as a follow up for those that want a refresher.

From the humble beginnings  with 8 close friends 7 years ago, over 1400 women and 200 men have participated in Awaken Love classes. Feedback continues to confirm the importance of community for growth and transformation.

2019

As I prayed about 2019, God gave me the word Disciple. I want to be a disciple of Christ, but I also want to be a disciple of Godly sexuality.  I don’t just want to help people discover God’s design for their sex life. I want to equip them to pass a healthy mindset about sex down to their kids or friends. As they enjoy an intimate sex life in their marriage, they can encourage others.

Along with focusing on Discipleship, I hope to…

  • Write a book about sex specifically to help men understand their wife.
  • Explore different models for Awaken Love classes – like large groups or online groups
  • Develop ways to equip and disciple women that want to teach or facilitate Awaken Love
  • Continue speaking to women, men, couples and even singles both locally and around the United States.

Final Thoughts

I love the community that is developing at Awaken Love. It is a place to come and learn. We encourage and support each other as we move towards God’s design for sex. Blogging will continue to help me process what happens in my personal life and in classes. This year I will update my Song of Songs posts, write about discipleship and sprinkle in respectful detailed posts about sex. I would also love to hear your ideas for topics.

But I also want to encourage you to go. To move beyond online discussions to minister to the people that you know face to face. Open up the topic of sex by hosting an Awaken Love video class. Invite me to come and speak at your moms group, or marriage ministry. Give a copy of my book to a friend or share about it on social media, or Amazon Reviews. Share with a friend about what you have learned or begin conversations with your kids. 

So this year, let’s move beyond ourselves. Let’s become disciples of Godly sexuality,  so that marriages all around us might be strengthened.

Sexy Ideas to Help You Survive Christmas

Grab Some Mistletoe

Or a piece of broccoli, romaine, or other greenery, and make out with your sweetheart.  Quietly sneak a moment  in the midst of the chaos and for a real kiss. To escape the family get together for a minute, slip into a bathroom, basement, bedroom,  or closet for a quick make out session.

Dress Up Your Bedroom

Turn your bedroom into your sex den. Get rid of the clutter. Remove any reminder of the kids or work. Buy a new cozy blanket, a few candles or a new mirror. Invest in a space heater or electric blanket to warm your room. Go vintage and get a lava lamp.

Twinkle Lights

Grab a few extra strands of Christmas lights and string them around your room for a different mood lighting and watch your spouse sparkle when you surprise them.

Wear Something Fun

Come to bed with a Santa Hat on and have some fun. Ask what’s on your sweethearts Christmas list with a mischievous smile. Share how they’ve been naughty or nice this year in explicit detail.

But Some Toys

Invest in some toys for your bedroom. Try the Ultimate Intimacy App or check out another game. Shop online at Covenant Spice or Married Dance and surprise your spouse or look through options together.

 

Take time during the season of Christmas to enjoy becoming One.

Have a Merry Christmas

Make time to have some fun as a couple and connect during the Holidays.

Building Community to Strengthen Your Marriage

In preparation for Christmas, my daughter wanted help making gifts in the wood shop. She wanted to make her dad a pizza paddle out of some cherry and walnut lumber. I have to be honest, I haven’t done much woodworking in the past 5 years, but it felt good and it was super fun to work with my daughter. She kept saying, “this wood feels so good” and “this is actually really relaxing.” Sometimes we need a little help getting back to the things that feed our soul. We need community.

God

It is not unlike my relationship with God. Bible studies with friends, helps me stay in the word. When Jim and I read the bible together, sometimes he gets me moving and other times I lead the charge. Removing ourselves from community, will open the door to believe  Satan’s lies. We need community to hold us accountable, encourage us, speak the truth, and spur us on.

Marriage

We also need community in marriage – authentic, honest relationships with others. People who can listen with a soft heart but who refocus us on what God wants and what we can do different. We need friends that ask when we last went on a date, or if we are praying together in our marriage. Real people that babysit even overnight, and that we can return the favor. Community will guard our marriages and help us to keep investing the time to create great marriages. We even need people that will ask how sex is going.

Sex

Online communities provide a great entry point to work on your sex life. Writing anonymously provides a safe place to dip your feet into uncomfortable topics and start gathering resources. But we also need real people in our life that we can talk to about anything. When we share hard things they love us unconditionally and pray for our journey.

If you’ve never really gone that deep, a great way to open up conversation about sex is to take an Awaken Love class with friends. In 6 weeks, you will go from friends that skirted around the issues, to authentic real friendships. Because when you can talk about sex, you can talk about anything.

Awaken Love

I had a moms group take Awaken Love together and it totally changed their relationship. They went from surface friendships to an amazing group of women that could talk about anything. Another woman took the class with a bunch of strangers which quickly became friends.  They continue to encourage, check in and care for each other. After 6 weeks of class you will have women whom you can talk to – even about sex.

We need community to help create strong marriages. Don’t buy into the lie that we should not talk about our struggles or our sex life in the church. Let’s open up real conversations and create a culture of honesty, integrity and support. Offer an Awaken Love class and open up the topic of sex today.

An Awaken Love can help you create a community to  encourage you in your marriage and your self life.

Reclaiming sex like the Garden of Eden

Have you ever thought about what sex looked like in the Garden of Eden? I imagine the first time Adam saw Eve, he was instantly mesmerized.  Someone finally like him! Yet her differences were what really caught his eye. The curves of her body, the softness of her skin, even the way that she walked and talked.

Adam must have had a hard time keeping his eyes off of Eve as her body magnetically drew him. When he gently reached to touch her, the curves of her body fit perfectly into his hands. Unafraid, Eve trusted him and immediately relaxed into his touch. Gently he explored and caressed listening for the purr of her satisfaction.

The more Adam touched her, the more Eve’s body woke up and became hungry for him. As his body covered her, the wetness drew him into her. Suddenly aware of becoming “one”, he laid still for a moment, in awe of what had happened. As she gently smiled at him and they looked into each other’s eyes, they slowly began to move together until eventually they fell into a puddle of each other.

Even though sex felt exciting and wonderful to Eve, she knew there was more to discover. Filled with playfulness, she anticipated her turn to explore. The way his penis grew, and sought her out reminded her of the small fury animals that loved to be pet behind the ears. She wanted to see it, touch it, stroke it and even to feel it against her lips…

I’d better stop, lest I cross some lines…

Adam and Eve enjoyed total freedom in the Garden of Eden – with their own body and their spouse’s body. With no preconceived idea of what sex looked like they simply craved intimacy and connection. Unafraid to be known they fearlessly expressed themselves through words, movement, or even the groans when words would not come.  Void of all expectations, they didn’t worry about performance or what they looked like. Without past wounds, they didn’t recoil at touch, or wonder about intentions. They loved watching what happened and were amazed at God’s creation in each other. They simply enjoyed God’s goodness and reveled in new discoveries.

Living in a Broken World

Our world looks nothing like the Garden of Eden. Media has filled us with images of what sex is supposed to look like. These ideas stunt our own creativity and cause us to drive toward orgasm rather than exploration. Media and magazines cause wives to exchange their husbands’ compliments for insecurities or self-hatred. Pornography and Erotica dirty our ideas of sex, causing some to discard almost everything while others clamor to recreate scenes. We cannot even discern  our ideas from something we saw or read. Performance anxiety plagues both men and women and steals the joy of sex.  Silence from our families and churches leave us feeling stunted and awkward instead of open and free. Sex feels like anything but a blessing.

A Taste of Freedom

But what if God intended sex in marriage to be a taste of the freedom Adam and Eve experienced in the Garden of Eden?

  • God’s original intent for us before sin entered the world.
  • Before we started hiding and blaming each other.
  • Before we began to covet and lust after what we cannot have
  • When we had no wounds and no fear

How Do We Move Towards God’s Original Intent?

God cares about us and knows every detail and hurt – even involving our sexuality. He wants you to be free from the lies and deception that the world offers. If you are still immersed in lust than take the battle seriously. Be honest, get help and go after God. If you are hanging onto past sins, then receive God’s forgiveness and forgive yourself. If you are wounded then go after healing through counseling and prayer.  Find your worth from Jesus and He will guide you.

Trusting God causes us to know that our past does not have power over us. Trusting God helps us to value honesty more than perfection in our spouse. Lustful images that tainted our minds can be replaced with beautiful memories that husband and wife make together. When God asks us to get naked, we can get naked, because we would rather be known then hide behind a leaf or blame our spouse.

Jesus paid the price for our sins, and He redeems us. He has torn the veil so that we can have face to face relation ship, not only with Him but with others. Every day He gives us a fresh start to get up and LIVE again.

Creating the Garden of Eden

Don’t try to create what the world defines as great sex, but what God intended. Let yourself be known by sharing all of yourself, even your insecurities or brokenness. Create a safe place for your spouse to be honest and known. Focus on connection instead of orgasm. Bring God into your marriage bed. Pray before sex and ask Him to bless your connection. Ask for His truth and discernment as you make choices together.  Make your marriage bed a journey of discovering God’s goodness. Receive the freedom and gifts that God gives you.

Final Thoughts

Regardless of your past experiences, or your spouse’s past struggles, do you trust God with your sexuality? Will you seek His truth and desire for your marriage bed? Is God, all powerful, able, and good? Do you believe He can heal and give you a fresh start?  Do you want a taste of the Garden of Eden?

If your spouse is unrepentant about sexual sin, and not actively seeking healing, then please set boundaries and seek help. 

Tips to Help Wives Enjoy Receiving Oral Sex

Many wives struggle in receiving oral sex. Some think oral sex is completely wrong and don’t want their husband to try. Others don’t have a moral objection, but just can’t seem to relax. If you aren’t sure,  find out what the Bible says. Pay attention to the context of passages about sexual immorality and you will find little written about limitations within marriage. Read Song of Song and get a taste for the freedom they experience. For women with an open mind, I have some tips to help wives enjoy receiving oral sex.

Learning to Receive

Learning to receive does not come naturally to many women. Yet most of our husbands have no problem laying back and letting us serve them. Maybe it’s just so ingrained that women should always be doing something. Or maybe it feels too scary or vulnerable to let go of control and just receive. Either way, learning to receive is important not just for our marriage bed, but for our faith.

God does not call us just to serve but to receive. One of the hardest things we do is to humble ourselves and ask for help. To cry out to God and say, “help me. I can’t do this anymore!” To ask friends to pray for us, help with a meal, or mentor us in our marriage. It takes humility, letting go of control, and an attitude of “I am worth it”. If we don’t deem ourselves worthy, then we have a hard time letting others love us. When you understand that you are His beloved, a dearly loved child of the King of Kings, then you can stop striving to measure up and find a healthy balance of both giving and receiving.

Practice learning to receive in small ways. Accept the compliments of others with a simple thank you. Ask for help from a friend when you need it. Ask your husband to give you a back rub without feeling guilty. Learning to receive is the first step to enjoying oral sex.  Make your husband’s day by letting him  give you an amazing gift.

Take Care of the Practicalities

Many women spend the entire time during oral sex worrying, “Do I taste bad? Do I smell bad? Is he getting a crick in his neck? Am I taking too long?” Instead of worrying, take care of things so that you feel confident.

Shower beforehand, and do a little grooming by trimming, shaving or waxing. Put a pillow under your bottom to raise yourself up to make him more comfortable. But most importantly, ask him.

Many husbands love the unique odor and taste of their wife’s body. If he doesn’t, then work towards solutions. You could adjust what you eat or drink. Just like diet can affect our husbands taste it can affect yours. Things like coffee, smoking, and antibiotics can have a negative effect. Citrus fruits, pineapple, vegetables and sweet potatoes have a positive effect. You could use coconut oil as a lubricant to enhance the smell and taste or try a flavored lube. You could even use a barrier like a dental dam. Talk about it, work towards a solution and then stop worrying.

Mindset

Our mindset plays a huge role in how much we allow ourselves to enjoy oral sex. If you think oral sex is dirty or disgusting, your husband could do every thing right and you still wouldn’t enjoy it. If you think intercourse is “the right way” to have sex, you may limit the pleasure that you can enjoy during oral stimulation.

Conversely, when you understand how much your husband enjoys giving to you and how well he reads and knows your body through oral sex, then it thrills you every time he discovers something new. When you expect that he is going to take you on an amazing ride then your body readily joins in. When you can revel in the freedom that God gives you, then you freely receive all of His gifts.

If your past or your spouses past impacts how you feel about receiving oral sex then you need to deal with those things. Think about what has formed your ideas about oral sex? Did someone force or coerce you to do it? Was it something you enjoyed outside the boundaries of marriage? Did someone tell you oral sex is what “those” girls do? Ask God to reveal His truth to you. With your husband or a close friend pray about specific situations and ask for what you want. Then take small steps to start living out your new freedom.

Stay Connected

Compared to face to face intercourse, a husband can feel like he is a million miles away when they pleasure us with oral sex. My old self would have just laid down the covers and disconnected.  Relaxing in my own world, my mind would take us to a deserted beach to create the excitement I needed. Though the end result felt awesome, it also felt lonely.

We can choose to stay connected even during oral sex. Rather than let the covers fall, we can hold them over our head to enjoy the view. Our husband can learn to hold us with their arms to create more contact points then just mouth to vulva. While leaning on their elbows they can wrap their arms around us to stroke our body or breasts. Gently running our hands through their hair can communicate our pleasure. Talking, or even moans can help us tune into each other.  Make a conscious effort to stay connected rather than disconnect during oral sex.

Communicate

Just because your husband wants to give you oral sex does not mean he knows anything about what will feel good to you. One of the biggest mistake’s men make is simply to move too much and too fast. It just feels like a blur of motion. One of the most important concepts a man can learn is the power of stillness. To envelope us with a flat full tongue until our body begins to awaken. Then to slowly gives us a taste of what’s to come.

You need to help your husband understand what you want. If you aren’t sure, read a couple of my articles or Ian Kerner’s book She Comes First. If something sounds good, then read it with your husband. Talk through ideas and share what you would love. Help your husband be the amazing lover that he wants to be. Don’t leave him looking for a needle in a haystack.

Express Yourself

Sex really is supposed to be a shared experience. Showing, moving like we want to, and asking for what we want are all part of letting ourselves be known. If you want to really enjoy oral sex than have the confidence to express yourself. Let your body move like it wants to against his tongue. Grab his hands and bring them to your breasts when you are ready. If you need lighter pressure, gently push his forehead away. When you want his finger on your G-Spot ask for it. Take things up a notch and express yourself.

Trust His Intentions

Some wives think their husbands just wants to give them oral sex because they have seen it in porn. To be honest, I don’t know your husband, only you know if he is just trying to recreate what he has seen. Just because he has seen oral sex in porn, does not mean that it can’t be an amazing way for the two of you to get to know each other.

Most husbands can feel much better through their mouths than their hands. The coarseness of their skin makes it seem a little like touching us through gloves. All they want to do is to get as close to us as is humanly possible.

Close and upfront, husbands can tune into the changes in their wives bodies during arousal. They can learn when to tease, ramp up stimulation, step on the gas or gently coax out her last bit of tension. When we enjoy oral sex, we not only create intimate connection, but we add to our husbands playbook for giving us pleasure – one of our husband’s greatest thrills.

Final Thoughts

Most husbands that enjoy giving their wife oral sex, think their wife’s body is absolutely amazing. When wives can relax and just receive then they can enter into the eroticism of oral sex. Learn to communicate, stay connected and express yourself and your husband will learn to know you in one of the most intimate ways.

Adapting to Physical Limitations During Sex

A few weeks ago, I had a molar pulled that had bothered me for years. The recovery of an implant has been slow. With activities like kissing eliminated, my husband and are learning to adapt. Rubbing noses and burrowing into each other’s necks have helped us stay connected during sex. Rather than avoid sex we are learning new things, and grateful for what we have – not unlike a friend of mine.

I will never forget the night that Stacy showed up in class. With eyes that sparkled, and a smile that lit up the room, she rolled into class on her scooter. Years of a physical disability might have limited her mobility but God filled her soul with a passion for living that made me just want to hang out and learn from her.

After reconnecting with her at my book signing party, I asked if she would share a few thoughts to help others challenged by a physical limitation. What follows are her words.

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What We Can Learn From Giving Freebies

Wives commonly use freebies to serve their husbands. When we aren’t physically available because of our period, pregnancy or a physical challenge we offer manual or oral stimulation. Some wives give freebies because they think it will be fun to focus their full attention on their husbands. Void of the distractions of worrying about their own orgasm or performance we lavish our husband with love. Giving our husbands freebies might even become a regular way to navigate a  difference in drives. When we think of giving a freebie, most people think in terms of a wife giving her husband oral, manual sex, or maybe even intercourse, with no expectation in return.

Switching Roles

But how many husbands give their wife freebies? Besides older men, few husbands have even considered the idea. Younger couples can think it impossible or pointless. Even when the wife has the higher drive, you don’t typically hear about a husband treating his wife to a freebie.

But exchanging roles can help us learn so much about our spouse and what sex feels like for them. So, what can we learn from a husband giving his wife a freebie?

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10 Practical Tips to Make Sex a Priority

Even when you have a great mindset, making sex a priority when you are raising kids can be challenging. Exhaustion, busyness and feeling over touched can all play a role. Living in survival mode with little time to talk or play leaves our reserves depleted and disconnection can feel hard to overcome. Breaking the cycle and making sex a priority often requires some very intentional choices.

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A New Mindset to Embrace Sex when Parenting

Raising kids is hard! Even though I am now an empty nester, I remember well the days of changing diapers, wiping spit-up off my clothes and interrupted nights of sleep. With 4 kids under the age of 6, I wish I had known then what I know now about sex. Surviving those years, I often felt isolated, exhausted, and on opposite teams from my husband. Sex always seemed to be the last thing on my “to do” list. I found myself feeling resentful when Jim would gently coax me towards connection. Though I am sure some practical choices might have helped for a while, they would have just acted like a band-aid that eventually falls off. What I really needed was a whole new mindset toward sex.

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What Women Need to Hear About Sex

When I wrote my book Awaken Love I spend several months praying, listening to God, collecting stories of women in class, and digging deep to remember how God transformed me. As part of the process, I brainstormed on large pieces of poster board with the question scrawled across the top, “What do I want to tell women? It did not take long for clear principles to emerge that I wanted to make the backbone of Awaken Love.

Do It for You

Women don’t need to hear again how important sex is for their husband. They need to know that God created sex for them too. Though are drives and our bodies function quite different than our husband’s, we need sex to connect with our husband, to find refreshment and as a way of getting to know ourselves and our husband. We need to know that sex is a good thing for us and permission to know and understand our own body  Women need to be encouraged to invest the time to create a sex life that is thoroughly enjoyable for both husband and wife.

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