3 Things a Husband Should Know About His Wife

With my awakening, my husband has experienced his own growth and awareness. I asked Jim, “What 3 things have you learned that helped you with our sex life?” I found his answers simple and yet profound. Not only that, but I can clearly see how his understanding and subsequent changes have directly impacted me and my growth. So, I have adapted his insights to speak into your sex life – 3 Lessons Learned to Love Your Wife

1. Your Wife is Insecure

I am a confident, capable woman that completed engineering school, taught herself to snowboard, and could handle any house project. But I still struggle with deep seated insecurities. For years I denied my desire to feel beautiful. When we started working on our sex life, I knew to experience freedom in my marriage bed, I had to trust my husband loved everything about me. Beyond guarding his eyes, I needed to hear that he thought I was absolutely beautiful.

Jim has learned to constantly affirm my beauty with his words. Whether I am dressed up for a date, bending over in my jeans to screw in a deck board, or playing naked in bed.  He doesn’t just say I am beautiful, he believes it and breathes it into my life. After we have great sex I feel most vulnerable. My mind starts to questioin if I revealed too much, or if my husband enjoyed what I did. When he dotes on me after sex and shares his amazement, he stops the lies and insecurities.

2. Don’t Take Things Personally

What feels great to me one night, can do nothing the next night, or can even feel painful. My body constantly changes, can become ultra-sensitive, and just darn right finicky. I don’t try to be complicated or high maintenance, but that is my reality. As I have taken ownership by saying things like, “I am sorry, my body is just tricky tonight”, Jim has learned not to take things personally.

In his resilience Jim is able to offer other suggestions rather than give up. We have learned when something doesn’t work or temporarily shuts down, it does not have to derail us. Jim can try a different path or offer another delight and I can get on board. Not taking things personally has opened up possibilities. Jim is more likely to try new things without worrying about failing. Not taking things personally has helped me to appreciate my complicated body a little more.

3. Be Vulnerable and Open Up 

When I awoke, I began craving deep intimacy with my husband. I started sharing vulnerable things from my past that helped me gain freedom. We had hard conversations about my insecurities and how Jim could help me. Many nights I cried in his arms as I got in touch with my emotions. Though I focused on myself I also wanted to know Jim. Just like most wives, I feel closest to my husband when he vulnerably shares his emotions, insecurities, or failures.

Jim has been an amazing husband and dad, but vulnerability does not come easily. I remember once asking him, “What painful childhood experiences do you remember?” And he incredulously responded, “Why would you ask me something like that?” Later he explained that talking about a painful experience was more painful than reliving it. What felt freeing to me felt oppressive to him.

But Jim has slowly taken steps in learning to vulnerably share. He has shared about past experiences that left him feeling like a failure. He has owned his past mistakes and asked forgiveness. When he struggles at work, I am the first that he tells. And though it means the world to me, even more importantly I have witnessed changes in him. I’ve seen his boldness in speaking truth to other men and ministering to marriages. He walks with more confidence. When you allow yourself to be fully known and are received with grace and love, it sets you free.

Final Thoughts

If you want to become the an amazing lover to your wife then learn to affirm her with your words. Help her battle insecurities by speaking truth. Understand not to take instruction or failed approached personally. Stand firm but gently as you navigate your wife’s complexities and you will see her begin to open up. Match your wife’s vulnerability with your own steps of growth. Share from your heart and open her heart to yours.


4 Reasons People Don’t Connect During Sex

I often write about the importance of connecting during sex, yet for most of us connection does not come easily or naturally. Though God intended we “know” each other through sex, many of us have no idea how to connect. We go through the motions, do what we can to make sex orgasmic and settle for a small taste of what God wants for us. The first step towards change is an awareness of what’s impacting our life that makes it hard to connect. Let me share four possible reasons why people don’t connect during sex to help you discover how to grow.

Cruise Control

If you’ve ever read a book on how to become orgasmic, many experts suggest a method called Sensate Focus developed by Masters and Johnson. Basically, while you receive pleasure, you relax, block out everything else and just focus on what your body feels. As you tune into your own pleasure, and shift into cruise control, you also tune out any distractions, including your spouse.

Though Sensate Focus might help a person learn to orgasm, it totally misses out on the power of connection. Rather than tuning out your spouse, can your awareness of them loving you, watching you or getting turned on by you add to your arousal instead of create distraction?

Men get used to shifting into cruise control when they masturbate.  Taking the most direct route they learn to chase after their own pleasure with laser focus. Instead of learning to discover, linger, or feel someone’s energy, they slide into cruise control on the road to nirvana. Slowing down enough so that your spouse can join you on that road will require growth. Every once in a while stop and ask yourself, where is my spouse? Try keeping your eyes open during sex or kissing.

Carrying the Load

You might feel responsible for making sex wonderful for your spouse. Or maybe you worry about how you look, or sound. When you spend all your time evaluating what you should do next, worrying about your performance, or concerned for your spouse’s enjoyment, you act a spectator. Instead of enjoying the moment, you anxiously watch, critique and evaluate.  Rather that feeling your spouse’s touch, your mind plans your next move, or worries about how you look.

Great sex happens when two confident people show up, have the courage to communicate what they desire and share that experience with their spouse. Adding pressure and carrying the load for someone else is a recipe for disaster and leads to spectatoring.

If you want to connect during sex, then remove pressure and expectations from yourself and learn how to “be” instead of “do”. Get out of your head and experience your spouse with your senses. When was the last time you smelled your spouse during sex? Have you noticed how their breathing changes when they relax, or when arousal ramps up?

You cannot carry the load and be present during sex. Let your self off the hook and show up.

Shifting Gears

During A-L Men’s Edition one of the men said, “I have a hard time even relating sex to intimacy. They are two separate things.  Before I was married, I bought into the world’s view of sex. My goal was to get as much sex as I could.” After treating sex simply as a physical commodity, how could he attach love and intimacy without facing his past. Until he faced the fact that he spent years using women, and discarding them for his own pleasure, he could not attach sex to intimacy.

Women that have experienced sexually abuse often disassociate during sex. How can this thing that caused them great pain also communicate love from their husband?

If we want to connect during sex, then we have to face our past. If we have been abused we have to seek healing and render how something so hurtful could be loving with our spouse. If we have used others, then we will have to face our own brokenness. Until we feel the depth of hurt we have caused we cannot experience the depth of connection during sex. We must repent and ask forgiven for what we have done. Rather than just receive God’s forgiveness, we must forgive ourselves, so that we can allow ourselves to feel during sex.

Facing our past takes courage, but God offers grace and healing and forgiveness. He wants you to experience sex as this amazing connection with your spouse. Don’t settle for less. Seek counseling and healing.

Out of Touch

Some people just seem stiff as a board, stoic, unemotional, and with clubs for hands. Raised not to cry, they are trained to keep a stiff upper lip, and work hard.  Their arms don’t know how to wrap you up in warmth, because they are too busy trying to fix you.

Though God created each one of us unique, I believe He created us in His image. God is a God that is passionate, loves dancing, and holds our tears. We can learn new things, and we can unlearn what our past taught us. We can learn to slow down and savor our meal rather than just scarf it down. We can learn to relax and spend time “smelling the roses.” We might even take a dance class to loosen up our hips. You can learn to feel.

Sometimes we know how to feel and move, but we are afraid to express ourselves. Purity messages might have limited your sensuality or freedom. The shame of promiscuity before marriage might have caused you to leave passion and freedom in the past.  Struggling to contain fantasies of what you want. you secretly stew, hoping a kind gentle spouse will wake up and rescue you from the monotony. Not matter your situation, God wants you toe enjoy freedom in your marriage bed.

God created you and gave you an amazing body to move and moan and grasp and even scream. Unlock the power of your God given sensuality. Come out of hiding and show yourself.

Final Thoughts

Sex has dramatically changed since my husband and I have shifted the focus from mechanics to connection. We linger, explore, look into each others eyes and call each other back towards connection with our words. We are less anxious, more fluid and more in touch with our senses. Not only has connecting made sex better, but it has helped us understand how to connect with God. No matter what challenge you face in connecting with your spouse, God has the answer and He has something for you to learn.

What If Your Wife Has Never Experienced Orgasm?

Husbands want their wife to enjoy sex as much as they do. But if a wife has never experienced orgasm, she may not even know what she is missing. If she has never tasted the most delicious chocolate cake in the world, she may not think it’s that big a deal. Or may just start to believe it’s not possible. When things don’t naturally fall into place, a husband can feel confused, discouraged and lost. With silence surrounding the topic of sex, couples just stay stuck. Instead of looking for answers, they settle. But husbands can play a key role in helping a wife figure out how to orgasm.

When Stacy got married, she just figured things would fall into place. Five years into their marriage, even though she enjoyed sex, she wasn’t sure she had ever experienced orgasm. Her husband was the one that finally went looking for answers. After reading a good Christian book on sex, he had a new understanding of women’s sexuality and how their body responds. During love making, he began spending more and more time focusing on clitoral stimulation using his hands or his mouth before he even thought about intercourse. When Stacy finally experienced her first orgasm, they were both thankful that he went looking for answers.

Make no mistake, a husband cannot make his wife orgasm. She has to be open to sexual feelings, willing to learn something new and able to let go of control. But a husband can commit to do all that he can to help his wife experience pleasure during love making.

Educate Yourself

The easiest way for most women to orgasm is through stimulation of the clitoris  using  hands or mouth. Since her skin is ultra sensitive, soft hands and lots of lubrication are essential. Work outer to inner, less focused to more focused. As arousal builds, stimulation builds. If she gets stuck then circle around. and then try again. Use lots of connected sensual movement. Don’t zone out but stay connected to her. Try to sense whether she is enjoying what you’re doing by listening to her breathing and paying attention to her body language. Ask questions that she can answer with one word.

Educate yourself by reading articles about clitoral orgasm, oral sex, feeling vs rubbing, or books like Sheet Music or She Comes First.  Intimacy in Marriage has a whole page devoted to Orgasm. Understand the different parts of your wife’s body. Learn how to tease her, touch her in different ways and even use other triggers like breasts or words.


Communicate your desire and commitment to make sex enjoyable for her. The minute she feels like it is too much work for you, she will give up. The second she feels your frustration, she will shut done. Women require an average of 20 minutes of clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. Spend at least that much time, every time you make love stimulating her clitoris. If she seems to enjoy things, then keep going.

Remove the Pressure

Any time you add pressure to sex, the chance of orgasm decreases. Try to keep the tone of love making relaxed or playful. Don’t ask if she had an orgasm, she will let you know. Tell her how much you enjoy stimulating and exploring her body regardless of whether she has an orgasm. You can even give her permission to know and explore her own body. Communicate how well you know your own body and that it is perfectly natural for her to understand how her own body works. Offer to take the kids on an errand in order to create some solitary time for exploration.


I am almost embarrassed to say this, but I have experienced real break through in my sex life when we prayed about sex. When I finally got to the point when I was tired of trying to make something happen and gave it to God things seemed to fall into place. Surrender and letting go of control will do wonders for your sex life. Ask God to simply help you experience something new and to connect during sex. Thank Him for every new sensation and discovery. Praise Him for how He created your body and how the two of your bodies fit together .

Final Thoughts

Your assurance that you care about your wife’s orgasm will speak volumes to her. But your actions will even speak louder than words. Get educated about how her body works. Devote at least 20 minutes every time you make love to exploring and stimulating her clitoris. Take the pressure off by making sex fun, and playful and pray with your wife about sex. Communicate your commitment and don’t give up on her . If you want your wife to look forward to sex, then do your best to help her enjoy sex.

How to Help Your Wife Orgasm More Often

If your wife only has an orgasm once in a while, the good news is that your wife knows how to orgasm. That bad news is that what worked yesterday, may not work tomorrow. If you expect your wife to orgasm simply through intercourse, then it might surprise you to learn the odds are against her.  Only about 30% of women orgasm on a consistent basis during intercourse. If you want your wife to enjoy orgasm on a regular basis than you must constantly learn new things about her. Rather than thinking you have arrived, you have really just begun.

Expand Your Repertoire

If you want your wife to respond on a regular basis, then you must learn to love her in all different ways. One study in Australia showed that the number of moves in your arsenal has a significant impact on how often your wife has an orgasm. If you just have intercourse the rate is 50%. If you add manual stimulation  then the rate increases to 71%. And if your arsenal includes intercourse, manual stimulation and oral sex then the orgasm rate for women is 86%.

If you want to explore ways to make intercourse more enjoyable for your wife, then  read my series on orgasm during intercourse. What works for you is very different than what usually works for women.

Have you learned to make magic with your hands?  Do you know the difference between rubbing and feeling?

Does she trust that you really enjoy giving her oral sex? Do you know how to read her body, tease her and tap into the power of stillness.

Have you expanded your repertoire to include new positions  for intercourse, manual stimulation and oral stimulation that communicate different things to your wife? Check out the category for Positions.

Are you willing to use a vibrator once in a while if she wants to? Recently a woman stayed after class to discuss her challenge responding since starting anxiety medication. Though I encouraged her to talk to her doctor about other options, we also talked about incorporating a vibrator. What if she could enjoy orgasm by using a vibrator with her husband? How is that any different than using a pair of glasses as your eyes age?

If you want to keep your wife engaged, then be open to new experiences. Every time you make love try to discover something new about her.


Women have a deep desire for you to know them – emotionally, spiritually and physically.  As you and your wife learn new ways to express yourself, you can communicate that you know how she feels by how you have sex. Comfort sex will look very different than playful sex. Nurturing sex will look very different from letting go, “yeah it’s Friday” sex.  Set the tone and mood by adjusting the lights or adding music. Pay attention to how your wife feels and hold her in a way that fits her mood.

Rather than just focusing on movement or mechanics, learn to connect. during sex. Surprise your wife by stopping movement and try to feel her body. When she starts to move, slowly move with her. Look into her eyes during sex, listen to her breath. Stay present and if she seems far away, gently call her back with a, “hey” or “can you feel me?” or a smile. Rather than focusing on movement, create intensity through connection.

Use Your Words

Women devour romance novels and erotica because it gets their motor running. The way visually enjoying her can excite you, words can excite her. Create eroticism and arousal by simply speaking to your wife as you lay naked together. Share about the best sex the two of you ever had using vivid details…. Share what you would love to do to her if you had an empty house…. In vivid detail share the sexy date you want to take her on and how you would like to push the boundaries without anyone knowing…. Speak things to her in the moment from your heart, “you are  a sight”, “just let go”, “I’ve got you”…. Don’t underestimate the power of words.

Always Offer

For many women, orgasm during intercourse does not consistently happen. Even though she may love intercourse because it feels so connecting, being left hanging can leave her feeling broken or defective. Sex does not have to be over just because you finished. Once you catch your breath, simply ask your wife, “Can I keep going?”. There are other ways to help her finish that don’t require an erection.

Final Thoughts

Without adding pressure to your wife, clearly communicate that you care about her pleasure as much as your own. Continue learning different ways to love her and to connect with her during sex. Help her believe that she is not too much work, does not take long and that you love your time exploring her. Your wife may have a hard time believing that she can consistently enjoy sex, or that she is worth the effort. Your job is to make sure she knows there is nothing that you would rather do then explore her.

If your haven’t  read How Can a Husband Help His Wife Orgasm, make sure that you don’t ignore the basics.

How Can a Husband Help His Wife Orgasm?

Some women lose interest in sex when it seems like their husband has all the fun. Watching a husband collapse in pleasure night after night, while rarely or never responding can feel discouraging and disheartening. And it can be enough to make a woman avoid sex. If you want your wife to enjoy sex than you need to do what you can to help your wife orgasm on a consistent basis.

Imagine what it would feel like if your wife took you out to this amazing restaurant.

After starting with a delicious salad, your server brings a tray with 2 entrees. As your mouth begins to water, your server sets a lean piece of chicken in front of you, and a fat juicy steak in front of your wife. Trying to stay thankful, you enjoy your chicken, while silently wishing you could sink your teeth into your wife’s steak. After convincing yourself the meal was really nice, the server brings your wife the most decadent chocolate cake you ever laid eyes on. As your wife’s eyes roll back in her head and she oohs and aahs at just how good the cake tastes, you wonder if she even notices how much you want a bite. Determined to remain thankful, you graciously watch, while feeling completely left out. Maybe next time…. Or maybe it would just be easier not to go on another dinner date.

Making a Difference

Though a husband cannot make his wife orgasm, he can make orgasm more likely.  If he wants her to enjoy sex, then he will pay attention to her natural wiring to set her up for success. Details that don’t matter to him will become important. He will happily learn new techniques, ways to hold her, and ask for input. Rather than just focusing on mechanics, he will slow down, learn to connect with his senses and even start using words to create arousal and excitement. A husband whose wife has never experienced orgasm will have the courage to educate himself, communicate his desire and commitment to help, and provide a relaxed environment to discover new things. Rather than assuming women don’t care or aren’t able to orgasm on a regular basis, a loving husband can learn to love his wife in a way to increase her odds.

Paying Attention to Her Basic Needs

If you want your wife to believe you care about her enjoyment as much as yours, then you pay attention to the small details that matter to her. Most wives need to feel safe before they can enjoy sex. She needs to trust that you value her sensitive body and will love her by paying attention to hygiene. Freshly showered, smooth shaven, manicured hands, whatever she asks for. Respecting her individual needs shows that you care. Ensuring privacy by installing locks on the bedroom doors, adding white noise machines or whatever else, shows that you want her to enjoy sex too.

Plan Time

Even small things communicate that your wife’s orgasm is as important as your own. If you always initiate when she is dead tired, or when you only have a few minutes, you tell her “this is for me.” You may need 2 minutes, but she needs 20. Plan ahead and initiate sex when you have the time and energy to make sex a mutual experience.

Connect Emotionally

Most wives respond easier when they feel emotionally connected to their husband. Turn off the screens and spend time with her. Take her for a walk and hold her hand. Ask about her day or how you can help around the house. Look in her eyes and tell her how beautiful she looks. Take her out on a date and reminisce about the first time you met. Arrange for a baby sitter so you can spend time alone. While separated on business trips, text to flirt or write her a love letter. Do these things, not just when you want sex, but because you want to love her well.  If you want your wife to enjoy orgasm during sex, then set her up for success by filling her love tank.


Many wives dream about their husband sweeping them off their feet. Showing up in bed to nudge her and say, “you wanta?”  just doesn’t do it. She wants to know that you think about her and desire her. Tease her during the day, create anticipation, warm up the room or light some candles to set the mood. Plan a hot date and pick out her clothes for her. Take her against the wall once in a while. Don’t tip toe around and just hint at sex, go for it. If she rejects sex, don’t assume she has rejected you. Don’t take it personally, and don’t pout.  Love her right where she is at, and she will learn to trust you.

Final Thoughts

If you ignore the basic needs of your wife, chances are she won’t orgasm on a regular basis. You essentially tell her that sex is for you, and she can just watch. Communicate that you care about her orgasm by your actions. Build trust by ensuring privacy and asking for ways to make her feel safe. Constantly fill her love tank regardless of whether you have sex. Initiate like you want her and don’t pout if she says no. Loving your wife in a way that communicates you care about her enjoyment is no small order. Learning to love as Christ does, can only happen when you understand Christ’s love for you.

Watch for future posts about – Some specific ideas on what to do if your wife only orgasms once in a while, or What if your wife has never had an orgasm.


Kegel Exercises – Here I Come

I have decided it is time to get serious about doing Kegel exercises. After reading about a study that showed a direct correlation between Kegel strength and orgasm during intercourse for women, I am ready to stop messing around and start focusing. Especially as I age, I want to do all that I can to experience the pleasure God has for me.

For several years my husband has been faithfully doing his Kegel’s and the results have been amazing. His flow during urination has improved and he longer has to urinate in the middle of the night. Awareness and control of the Kegel muscles has helped him to relax and enjoy sex more. He no longer worries about lasting long enough and he even enjoys multiple orgasms. Pleasure during sex has changed to include a range of experiences. My husband takes his Kegel exercises seriously.

I notice him in the shower or while he’s brushing his teeth. The other day I asked him how many he does and he said, “100 while I wake up, 100 while brushing my teeth, 600 driving to work, 600 driving home, 100 in the shower, and 100 while brushing my teeth before bed”. To tell you the truth, my jaw just kind of dropped. I had no idea how many. But Kegel exercises do not take any extra time from his day. He’s seen what Kegel’s have done for his urinary tract health and for his sex life and now I want to see what they can do for mine.

Scientific Studies

Recently I read The G-Spot by Ladas, Whipple and Perry and it enlightened me to the sexuality studies from the late 70’s validating the range of experiences women enjoy. A major section of the book focuses on the importance of Kegel muscles, not only to women’s health and urinary control but to their sexual response.

In 1979 Benjamin Graber and Georgia Kline, a couple of sex therapists, collected data from 281 patients. They sorted them into three groups – those that could not orgasm, those that could orgasm only during clitoral stimulation, and those that could orgasm during intercourse or clitoral stimulation.  Measuring the strength of the women’s Kegel muscles using a perineometer confirmed what the therapists already suspected. Women who did not experience orgasm had the weakest muscles with an average reading of 7. While those that experienced orgasm during intercourse had the strongest muscles  with an average of 17. The women that could experience clitoral orgasm landed in the middle with an average reading of 12. If I want the greatest chance of enjoying the full range of sexual experiences, then I need to have strong Kegel muscles.


In our immediate gratification society, many of us have a hard time waiting. We would rather take a pill or get an operation than commit to physical therapy for weeks or even months. We want to see immediate results or we begin to doubt the plan will work and eventually give up.

Strengthening my Kegel muscles will take time and consistency. I don’t have the reminder of a pulled muscle that needs rehabilitation, or the cost of medical bills to motivate me. Improvement may feel negligible and I might not notice changes for months. Unless I have a plan and commit, chances are slim Kegel exercises will become a regular part of my day. My exercise time will be in the shower, while I brush my teeth, at the microwave and in the car. At least 3 times a day, 100 reps  to start out, and increasing weekly.


Ladies, if you want to join me, Kegel exercises are super easy, but it is important to insure you are working the correct muscles. While going to the bathroom, stop the stream of urine mid-flow. That, is the muscle to contract– not your abs, and not your butt. (Don’t Kegel during urination on a regular basis or you may cause a bladder infection). Another way to ensure you contract the correct muscle is to lay on your back, slip a finger inside your vagina and do some Kegel reps. You should be able to feel your vagina contract around your finger, but you should also be able to feel your vagina relax around your finger.

Kegel exercises aren’t just about strengthening the muscles but about having conscious control over the muscles. The relax part of the rep is as important as the contract part. To enjoy the full range of experience during sex, then you need the full function of the muscles. If the muscles are weak then they can’t function and lose their sensitivity. If the muscles are in constant contraction then they don’t move freely and you again lose sensitivity. The relaxation of the muscle is as important as the contraction. One woman in class shared visualizing a string that pulls your Kegel’s up towards your tummy  when you contract. And an opposite string that pulls toward your toes to relax. Again, periodically exercise with a finger in your vagina to check full contraction and full relaxation.

Are you ready to get serious about making Kegel exercises a part of your life? What is your plan?

4 Reasons the Lower Drive Spouse Might Lose Interest In Sex

Why is that when couples differ in drive, we assume the lower drive spouse has the issue? We think the one with the lower drive needs to change, get a new mindset, or understand how important sex is for their spouse.

Maybe it’s not that the lower drive spouse dislikes sex, but that they dislike the sex they are having.

Maybe the higher drive spouse needs to learn to have sex in a way that the lower drive spouse would deem worth having.

Many couples spend years having sex that one spouse doesn’t find particularly exciting or connecting.  Afraid to bring up the uncomfortable topic of sex, they hang onto the status quo. They simply turn out the lights, tune out each other, and go through the motions. Over time, the spouse less driven by hormones become less and less interested in sex.

Without a mutual attitude of both wanting to discover new things, and vulnerably sharing, sex quickly gets reduced to creating a physical release. Sex can become predictable, routine, boring, and at some deep level, painful. If we do not have the courage to share our desires, or to create what we want during sex, we either escape into our own world of fantasy or lull ourselves into numbness. Somehow, we intuitively know that God created us for deeper connection with our spouse. As we go through the motions, without the confidence or tools for change, we just feel stuck. Eventually we would rather not have sex, than have the sex we are having.

Lack of Orgasm

One of the most obvious, blaring reasons women don’t deem sex worth having is because they don’t orgasm on a regular basis. They might brush orgasm off as unimportant or say they just prefer to cuddle, but imagine watching your spouse experience an out of this world experience night after night. Meanwhile, you are left feeling broken, angry and sad. Why would you want to have sex? Mutual satisfaction during sex must always be the goal. If your wife does not orgasm on a regular basis, you must clearly communicate your desire for her pleasure, educate yourself, and commit to whatever you can do to help make orgasm a reality for her.

No Connection

Another reason women don’t feel interested in sex is the lack of connection experienced during love making.  For these women, sex often feels mechanical and lonely.  A husband trying hard to please his wife can feel far away as he frantically strives to perform.Rather than leaning into connection, men do things like “think about Grandma” as a method to delay ejaculation. When lovemaking boils down to getting from point A to point B, we miss out on the joys of discovery.  We might both orgasm, but if we aren’t even aware of our spouse, what is the point?

Pressure Cooker

Some people might avoid sex because the marriage bed just feels like one more place to fail. Rather than a safe to place to grow and discover things about each other, sex has become a pressure cooker. Instead of both husband and wife taking ownership for themselves, one person gets the brunt of the responsibility. A husband gets blamed because he didn’t last long enough, touch her the right, say the right thing or romance her enough. Or a wife didn’t make her husband feel like the best lover in the world because she didn’t react like the movies. Pressure can ruin sex and make you feel like a total failure.  Why show up when you don’t have a chance?

No Creativity

The last reason we might feel disinterested during sex is because it just seems boring. Some of us have limited what we can explore in the marriage bed out of guilt, shame or even purity messages. Others just feel afraid to share the God given creativity that excites them. We haven’t established enough trust, communication, or courage to share our ideas. And some of us have just gotten lazy and settled into a rut. Rather than having fun we settle for vanilla sex that bores us to death.

Final Thoughts

Both spouses have a role in creating a mutually enjoyable sex life, but we can only work on ourselves. Rather than giving up or blaming our spouse, we can take a hard look at ourselves, and decide what we can do, regardless of our spouse to create a sex life that both of us will look forward to. Making changes will require courage, communication, compassion and an understanding of who God created you to be. Join me for the next 4 Mondays as we talk in more detail about how to create a sex life that your spouse would deem worth having.