Surrender to Pleasure

We’ve all talked about how we love variety, something just a little different than the same old, same old. Here’s something that you can do to create variety that is so simple and yet can create a very different vibe. On a night when my husband is taking the lead,  I love to lay back and stretch my arms up above my head, and gently clasp my hands together.

Sensitive Spots

Putting your arms up opens up all those delicious sensitive spots that don’t typically receive much touch. The curves where one body part meets another body part can be magical: insides of elbows, arms to torso, breast to chest. They are wonderful erogenous zones that deserve much more attention than they normally receive.

Tension

It also creates this wonderful tension through the stretching of our bodies. With our arms lifted up, our breath is felt in the gentle expansion of our rib cage as we breath in and out. You are suddenly aware of a whole new dimension of being alive.

Surrender

It is also a position of surrender. Surrender to our husbands touch, surrender to our bodies desires, surrender to whatever God would have us experience. It is putting into practice surrendering.

So this week,  Surrender to Pleasure. Put your arms up, and experience something new.

Originally Published as Put Your Arms Up on May 7, 2014

God Desires Freedom

God desires freedom in our marriage bed, but we must deal with the lies, baggage and body image issues that steal our joy. We have to take a hard look at ourselves and question why our ideas of sex don’t line up with God’s design. What lies have we believed? What past experiences still impact our marriage bed? How has culture or others impacted how I view myself?

Lies

The world throws constantly throws lies at us about sex. Media portrays sex outside of marriage as a whirlwind of passion that magically falls in place.  Sex in marriage either doesn’t happen or looks like drudgery. Men seem ready for sex at the drop of a hat while women fall under the heading of slut or prude.  The constant message of “don’t do it” from the church combined with silence cultivates sex as a “dirty little secret.” Lies impact what we believe and how we act. We must name the lies and identify how they have impacted us to gain freedom.

Baggage

Every woman I’ve taught has had some kind of baggage that impacted her marriage.  Promiscuity, purity messages, unwanted touches, divorced parents, spouse’s porn struggles, – small things or big things – can have profound impacts. God can heal us and He can change us. Have the courage to remember it, bring it to the light, pray over it and step into what He has for you. He wants you to be free.

Body Image

We spend way too much time on comparisons. We are supposed to get our worth from God and He says, we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Our husband’s pure eyes glued to us as we undress are supposed to thrill us not makes us feel used. Do you believe your husband when he tells you how beautiful you are or would you rather believe the world? God wants you to have the freedom to dance for your husband, and to play and let your husband explore you fully. What is holding you back?

I think that our marriage beds are supposed to be this little taste of the Garden of Eden where we stop worrying about what we sound like, or what we look like.  It is just us and our spouse – face to face – completely naked and unashamed, fully enjoying each other.

Have you dealt with your lies, baggage or body image issues?

Nothing is impossible for God.

Cultivating a Beginner’s Mindset

Learning Something New

Do you remember the excitement of learning to do something new? I remember the year I learned to snowboard. It was so hard, I could hardly figure out how to stand up, much less actually ride down the hill. I was so excited when I finally rode down the hill, swaying from edge to edge and feeling the wind in my hair. I was like a little kid. That night, my body was beat up and sore, but I dreamed about riding. It is still exciting. Every time I go out, it is a new fresh experience, with new bumps and turns and challenges. It never gets old.

Beginner’s Mindset

Proverbs 5:19 says “may you always be captivated by her love”. Marriage is intended to be a lifetime of being captivated by each other. When we have a beginners mindset, our lover never becomes boring, because each time is new. We allow ourselves to travel down paths that we have not traveled before and to be open to new possibilities. We extend grace to ourselves and to our husbands, not expecting that things will always go smoothly, because we are a beginner at what our bodies call us to that day. We don’t fear getting bruised, because with it, we know that we will learn something new about each other. What a great way to spend a lifetime getting to know each other.

Your mission this week, is to cultivate a beginners mindset in your marriage bed. Explore your husband in a new way, open to a new path, experience something for the very first time and allow yourself the grace of being a beginner.

Originally Published as Sex 101- Cultivating a Beginner’s Mindset on April 11, 2014

Sex Must Be Measured Against God’s Design

I’ve read a ton of books filled with different opinions about sex, but the only way I can tell what is good and right, is to measure everything against God’s design. God created sex to get to know each other, to comfort one another, to pleasure and refresh each other, and to make the two of you into one.

Getting to Know Each Other

Are you on a journey of getting to know each other – not just physically, but emotional and spiritually? Have you brought other things into your marriage bed, or is it just the two of you? Are you present during sex – mind, body and soul – or is your mind filled with worry, anxiety or pictures of others? Have you settled into a routine or are you still learning new things? Begin a journey of getting to know each other.

Comfort and Refreshment

Does sex comfort and refresh you or does it feel like one more thing to suck the life out of you? God never intended that sex become a duty. What lie have you believed about sex or about your spouse? Are you serving each other or is sex about what you can take for yourself. Sex is supposed to be this amazing gift that refreshes us and refreshes our spouse.

Pleasure

Is sex pleasurable for both or you? Women’s bodies are very different then men’s but they are capable of experiencing as much pleasure as a man. Educate yourself and discover what works for both of you. Become a lifelong learner that asks and wants to learn more. Communicate freely about your needs and allow yourself to enter into freedom.

God gave us sex to strengthen marriages but we need understand God’s design for sex and we need to live it.

Expectations – Shoulds and Should Nots

Expectations about sex create pressure that sabotages intimacy. Whether you worry about what you “should do” or what you “shouldn’t do”, expectations prevent you from enjoying the moment.

“Should Nots”

As a woman that grew up in church, there were plenty of “Should nots” that were implied about sex .

  • Don’t do it till you’re married
  • Christians don’t talk about it
  • Good girls don’t do those things
  • Don’t think about it

“Shoulds”

“Shoulds”  come from all kinds of sources, our parents, our church, and the world. They cover us with expectations preventing us from becoming the person God created us to be. We begin living what others say we are instead of the unique individual He created. We limit what we can allow ourselves to experience because of the “should” in our head. In our sexuality we reveal so much of who we are. If we let the “should” hold us back, than we will never really “know” each other. So what do we do?

Steps to Eliminate Expectations

Step 1- Identify the “should” or “should not”.

Step 2 – Measure it against God’s Truth and intention for our marriage bed. Throw out what is not within his safe boundaries

Step 3 – Try it on for size. Sometimes you don’t know if you might enjoy something until you take it for a test drive

Step 4 – Decide if it is really who you are. Be true to who God created you to be

Is it possible that getting rid of all the “shoulds” in sex, is a bit like having a relationship with God. Instead of trying to be good or follow the rules,  we choose to fall hopelessly in love with Him. Trusting that when we let go of control and worship Him in utter surrender, we are at our best.

This week, get rid of the “shoulds” or “should nots”  and understand what it is to love your husband with utter abandon. Your mission this week, is to initiate sex with your husband with a  passion that reveals how much you desire him and love him.

Originally Published as Getting Rid of the “Should” of “Should Not” on April 3, 2014

Sex is a Powerful Gift from God – It is unexplainable

Sex is a powerful gift from God that connects us in ways that are unexplainable.

I don’t understand how it happens, but sex connects me to my husband in ways that are unexplainable.  When words don’t work and we can’t seem to get on the same page, sex softens us. When busyness takes over our life, sex reconnects us faster than anything else. After sex, I feel like I can hear my husband better and understand his heart. I can’t put words to what sex does, but it changes things.

When my husband and I had 4 young kids I would often shrug off his advances because I was so tired. Sometimes he would lovingly hold me as we drifted off to sleep. Other times, my husband would patiently bring me along by rubbing my back or gently tickling my skin. As I softened and my defenses weakened he would pleasure me and we would make love. I remember vividly thinking afterward, “I so needed that.”

Is it possible that when sex is totally off our radar, that is when we need sex the most? Is it possible when your husband reaches for you, he doesn’t just need a release, but he is tapping into God’s power to reconnect you through sex. Is it possible that that sex says things that words cannot.

God gave us the powerful gift of sex to connect us even when we don’t know how to reconnect on our own.

Learn to Trust

In order to experience the kind of freedom that leads to great sex, we must feel absolutely safe. Sex is this amazing journey of revealing the most intimate parts of our mind, body and soul. It can be terrifying and thrilling at the same time. We must trust ourselves enough to let our bodies lead us, and trust our spouse enough to let them see us.

Trusting Yourself

Trusting yourself has to lead back to your sense of self. It is dependent on our self-esteem and our sense of worth, and in a way, a reflection of who we believe God is. Do you believe that God created you exactly as you are? That He knows every hair on your head and He created your body to experience amazing pleasure? Do you believe that God thinks that you are absolutely beautiful? That he has a plan for you and that you can surrender to Him? If you do, then you can absolutely trust yourself and allow your body to follow the path that it takes you on.

Trusting Your Spouse

Trusting your spouse is something that hopefully grows with time. When our spouse shows us that they will treat us respectfully, gently and sensitively, trust is built. Part of the reason sex in marriage should be better than sex outside of marriage is because of the trust we have built together over the years.

If you don’t trust your spouse, you need to ask yourself why. Sometimes they may not even realize something they have done has hurt our feelings, or closed us up. We need to gently communicate how they can help us feel safe.

We also need to be careful to not be oversensitive. Sometimes I feel like a sea anemone: those funny sea creatures that live in the tide pools. They gradually open up to let their tentacles wave in the tide, but one little poke, and they instantly close up. I can be like that sometimes and it is not a pretty thing. Everything will be going along fine, and then I will misinterpret one little thing that will cause me to instantly close myself up, in protection mode. If experience has shown you that you can trust your spouse, then we need to stop being so sensitive.

Your mission this week is to build trust with your spouse. Have your spouse blind fold you and trust where he takes you.

Originally Published as Trust Yourself – Trust Your Spouse on March 28, 2014