Inside Your Circle – Working on Yourself.

ReEngage

The best thing Jim and I have done recently to strengthen our marriage was to attend a 16 week marriage ministry called ReEngage. We have since become leaders and  taken multiple groups through. Every time we learn something new about ourselves and about each other. Re Engage uses a small group model to create a safe  community where we can be honest, authentic, and real. We spend 8 weeks working on our relationship with God and 8 weeks learning about aspects of marriage. Alongside our spouse and 5 other couples, we dive deep into working on ourselves.

The Circle

One of the most powerful things we teach in ReEngage is to draw a circle around yourself and then to work on every one that is inside the circle. Really staying in your circle is just a practical principal that empowers us to stop trying to change our spouse. Though it sounds like a simple thing, it is much harder to practice. Learning to stay in your circle will change your marriage, your parenting and even how you foster deep friend ships.

Staying inside my circle does not come easily. It is much easier to look at all the reasons and causes of my actions, than to focus only on myself. I would prefer to share all the circumstances that led up to me pouting. If he just loved me more…If he just talked to me more…If I wasn’t so stressed at work, then I wouldn’t pout.  When I realize that regardless of my circumstances, I get to react in a way honoring to God, then I am empowered to change myself

Focusing on ourselves can feel uncomfortable. Many times, people would rather generalize when they answer questions. We say things like, “We…” or “Most of us…” But when we get in our own circle, then we own our actions, with statements like… “I did this….” Or “I feel …” We vulnerably, honestly share our stuff. It becomes a much stronger statement that pierces our heart when we hurt others.  Learning to own your own stuff takes practice, courage and will change your relationships.

Create a Safe Place

Staying inside your circle also means not giving other people advice on how to fix their situation, unless they ask. When people share hard situations or get emotional, most of us feel pretty uncomfortable. We try to make it go away as fast as we can by trying to fix the problem or directing the focus somewhere else. Not giving advice creates a safe place for honesty and openness about struggles. Leaving space for emotions validates feelings. We have to trust God in the process instead of trying to fix others ourselves.

Another way we get out of our circle is by keeping score. We work on our marriage for a while but as soon as we notice that we’ve made more changes than our spouse, then we feel like they owe us something. We become resentful and backslide thinking why should I do all this work if they aren’t even trying. Working on yourself is not about becoming who your spouse wants you to be. It is about becoming who Christ wants you to be. Regardless of what your spouse does or if they do anything at all, we can work on ourselves.

Draw a Circle

One of the most powerful exercises you can do to help you sort through any struggle is to take a piece of paper and draw a big circle. Then write everything that you can control inside the circle. Everything that you cannot control write outside of the circle.  Pray over the things on the outside of the circle and give them to God. Then focus on the few things on the inside of the circle that you can control and focus on them. What changes can you make? What small practical steps that might help? Where you can start? What choices do you have?

I am often reminded of Matthew 7:3  which says, Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?

Regardless of our situation, we all have things to learn. Rather than feeling helpless in your situation, get inside your circle and discover what you can change. Own your brokenness and give the rest to God.

Tips to Help Wives Enjoy Receiving Oral Sex

Many wives struggle in receiving oral sex. Some think oral sex is completely wrong and don’t want their husband to try. Others don’t have a moral objection, but just can’t seem to relax. If you aren’t sure,  find out what the Bible says. Pay attention to the context of passages about sexual immorality and you will find little written about limitations within marriage. Read Song of Song and get a taste for the freedom they experience. For women with an open mind, I have some tips to help wives enjoy receiving oral sex.

Learning to Receive

Learning to receive does not come naturally to many women. Yet most of our husbands have no problem laying back and letting us serve them. Maybe it’s just so ingrained that women should always be doing something. Or maybe it feels too scary or vulnerable to let go of control and just receive. Either way, learning to receive is important not just for our marriage bed, but for our faith.

God does not call us just to serve but to receive. One of the hardest things we do is to humble ourselves and ask for help. To cry out to God and say, “help me. I can’t do this anymore!” To ask friends to pray for us, help with a meal, or mentor us in our marriage. It takes humility, letting go of control, and an attitude of “I am worth it”. If we don’t deem ourselves worthy, then we have a hard time letting others love us. When you understand that you are His beloved, a dearly loved child of the King of Kings, then you can stop striving to measure up and find a healthy balance of both giving and receiving.

Practice learning to receive in small ways. Accept the compliments of others with a simple thank you. Ask for help from a friend when you need it. Ask your husband to give you a back rub without feeling guilty. Learning to receive is the first step to enjoying oral sex.  Make your husband’s day by letting him  give you an amazing gift.

Take Care of the Practicalities

Many women spend the entire time during oral sex worrying, “Do I taste bad? Do I smell bad? Is he getting a crick in his neck? Am I taking too long?” Instead of worrying, take care of things so that you feel confident.

Shower beforehand, and do a little grooming by trimming, shaving or waxing. Put a pillow under your bottom to raise yourself up to make him more comfortable. But most importantly, ask him.

Many husbands love the unique odor and taste of their wife’s body. If he doesn’t, then work towards solutions. You could adjust what you eat or drink. Just like diet can affect our husbands taste it can affect yours. Things like coffee, smoking, and antibiotics can have a negative effect. Citrus fruits, pineapple, vegetables and sweet potatoes have a positive effect. You could use coconut oil as a lubricant to enhance the smell and taste or try a flavored lube. You could even use a barrier like a dental dam. Talk about it, work towards a solution and then stop worrying.

Mindset

Our mindset plays a huge role in how much we allow ourselves to enjoy oral sex. If you think oral sex is dirty or disgusting, your husband could do every thing right and you still wouldn’t enjoy it. If you think intercourse is “the right way” to have sex, you may limit the pleasure that you can enjoy during oral stimulation.

Conversely, when you understand how much your husband enjoys giving to you and how well he reads and knows your body through oral sex, then it thrills you every time he discovers something new. When you expect that he is going to take you on an amazing ride then your body readily joins in. When you can revel in the freedom that God gives you, then you freely receive all of His gifts.

If your past or your spouses past impacts how you feel about receiving oral sex then you need to deal with those things. Think about what has formed your ideas about oral sex? Did someone force or coerce you to do it? Was it something you enjoyed outside the boundaries of marriage? Did someone tell you oral sex is what “those” girls do? Ask God to reveal His truth to you. With your husband or a close friend pray about specific situations and ask for what you want. Then take small steps to start living out your new freedom.

Stay Connected

Compared to face to face intercourse, a husband can feel like he is a million miles away when they pleasure us with oral sex. My old self would have just laid down the covers and disconnected.  Relaxing in my own world, my mind would take us to a deserted beach to create the excitement I needed. Though the end result felt awesome, it also felt lonely.

We can choose to stay connected even during oral sex. Rather than let the covers fall, we can hold them over our head to enjoy the view. Our husband can learn to hold us with their arms to create more contact points then just mouth to vulva. While leaning on their elbows they can wrap their arms around us to stroke our body or breasts. Gently running our hands through their hair can communicate our pleasure. Talking, or even moans can help us tune into each other.  Make a conscious effort to stay connected rather than disconnect during oral sex.

Communicate

Just because your husband wants to give you oral sex does not mean he knows anything about what will feel good to you. One of the biggest mistake’s men make is simply to move too much and too fast. It just feels like a blur of motion. One of the most important concepts a man can learn is the power of stillness. To envelope us with a flat full tongue until our body begins to awaken. Then to slowly gives us a taste of what’s to come.

You need to help your husband understand what you want. If you aren’t sure, read a couple of my articles or Ian Kerner’s book She Comes First. If something sounds good, then read it with your husband. Talk through ideas and share what you would love. Help your husband be the amazing lover that he wants to be. Don’t leave him looking for a needle in a haystack.

Express Yourself

Sex really is supposed to be a shared experience. Showing, moving like we want to, and asking for what we want are all part of letting ourselves be known. If you want to really enjoy oral sex than have the confidence to express yourself. Let your body move like it wants to against his tongue. Grab his hands and bring them to your breasts when you are ready. If you need lighter pressure, gently push his forehead away. When you want his finger on your G-Spot ask for it. Take things up a notch and express yourself.

Trust His Intentions

Some wives think their husbands just wants to give them oral sex because they have seen it in porn. To be honest, I don’t know your husband, only you know if he is just trying to recreate what he has seen. Just because he has seen oral sex in porn, does not mean that it can’t be an amazing way for the two of you to get to know each other.

Most husbands can feel much better through their mouths than their hands. The coarseness of their skin makes it seem a little like touching us through gloves. All they want to do is to get as close to us as is humanly possible.

Close and upfront, husbands can tune into the changes in their wives bodies during arousal. They can learn when to tease, ramp up stimulation, step on the gas or gently coax out her last bit of tension. When we enjoy oral sex, we not only create intimate connection, but we add to our husbands playbook for giving us pleasure – one of our husband’s greatest thrills.

Final Thoughts

Most husbands that enjoy giving their wife oral sex, think their wife’s body is absolutely amazing. When wives can relax and just receive then they can enter into the eroticism of oral sex. Learn to communicate, stay connected and express yourself and your husband will learn to know you in one of the most intimate ways.

Adapting to Physical Limitations During Sex

A few weeks ago, I had a molar pulled that had bothered me for years. The recovery of an implant has been slow. With activities like kissing eliminated, my husband and are learning to adapt. Rubbing noses and burrowing into each other’s necks have helped us stay connected during sex. Rather than avoid sex we are learning new things, and grateful for what we have – not unlike a friend of mine.

I will never forget the night that Stacy showed up in class. With eyes that sparkled, and a smile that lit up the room, she rolled into class on her scooter. Years of a physical disability might have limited her mobility but God filled her soul with a passion for living that made me just want to hang out and learn from her.

After reconnecting with her at my book signing party, I asked if she would share a few thoughts to help others challenged by a physical limitation. What follows are her words.

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10 Practical Tips to Make Sex a Priority

Even when you have a great mindset, making sex a priority when you are raising kids can be challenging. Exhaustion, busyness and feeling over touched can all play a role. Living in survival mode with little time to talk or play leaves our reserves depleted and disconnection can feel hard to overcome. Breaking the cycle and making sex a priority often requires some very intentional choices.

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What Women Need to Hear About Sex

When I wrote my book Awaken Love I spend several months praying, listening to God, collecting stories of women in class, and digging deep to remember how God transformed me. As part of the process, I brainstormed on large pieces of poster board with the question scrawled across the top, “What do I want to tell women? It did not take long for clear principles to emerge that I wanted to make the backbone of Awaken Love.

Do It for You

Women don’t need to hear again how important sex is for their husband. They need to know that God created sex for them too. Though are drives and our bodies function quite different than our husband’s, we need sex to connect with our husband, to find refreshment and as a way of getting to know ourselves and our husband. We need to know that sex is a good thing for us and permission to know and understand our own body  Women need to be encouraged to invest the time to create a sex life that is thoroughly enjoyable for both husband and wife.

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How to Make Oral Sex Luxurious for Your Wife

Oral Sex can be one of the most luxurious ways for a husband to love his wife. Far from the challenges of calloused hands, his mouth can tune into her body in some of the most intimate ways. Though I’ve written some other articles on how to love your wife with oral sex, I want to focus on ways a husband can really treat his wife. Ways to warm her up and tease her until her body gently tumbles over in pleasure.

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How Valuable is Great Sex to You?

Recently a woman that facilitated the video class remarked that I really ought to consider raising the price of the class. She was a professional online class developer and felt shocked at how good the class was for the cost. The resources provided, the teaching and the transformation that she witnessed seemed worth a lot more then $10. She thought that if I charged more, people would sign up because they would realize just how valuable and powerful the class is.

Ministry

Maybe she’s right and I am a fool, but I don’t want to raise the price. I keep the price low because I consider Awaken-Love a ministry. When I started teaching classes, I didn’t do it to make money. I teach classes because God has called me to help others. The other teachers donate their time and so do facilitators. Honestly, I don’t want women to think we are trying to convince them to take the class, just so that we can make a few bucks.

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5 Things Men Can Learn From Vibrators

Many couples use vibrators to help a wife orgasm. Though I am not going to debate whether they are a good idea in your marriage, the fact remains, women use vibrators because they work. They provide stimulation that helps women orgasm on a consistent basis. So what can we learn about the needs of women from the way that a vibrator works? (more…)

Add a Little Excitement by Changing Your Starting Point

Most of us wait until we are lying in bed to initiate sex. Talking, cuddling and kissing under the covers can just easily roll over into love making. Sometimes it comes naturally and sometimes it can feel awkward, forced or maybe even dull. If you are looking for a easy way to freshen things up, think about simply changing your starting point. Instead of waiting until you are laying down, initiate sex when you are standing.

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Discover Real Intimacy – Awaken Love Book

Awaken Love: The Truth About Sex that will Transform Your Marriage

Releases TODAY on Amazon!!

God has changed me in so many ways. Sometimes I worry that I will forget how far I’ve come – from a wife afraid to fail and content to fill her life with activities and busyness, to a confident, sensual, beautiful woman constantly seeking more intimacy with her husband and with God. I want to remember; to dig deep and stand in awe of what God has done in my life, and in the lives of the women in class. Today my new book Awaken Love: The Truth About Sex that will Transform Your Marriage releases on Amazon. I pray that through it you will not only have a better understanding of God’s design for sex, but that you will encounter Jesus’s redeeming love.

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