A Resilient Sex Life That Will Last

Though we might not realize it, all of us will eventually face things that threaten our sex life. Sometimes the challenge lasts for a short season, like the lack of privacy when living with your in-laws during a housing transition. Other times the challenge lasts for a season like when you feel exhausted raising kids. And sometimes, the challenge might never end. Receiving treatment for prostate cancer may forever alter the way a husband’s body responds. Most of us wait to work on something until we have a problem.  But If you want to enjoy sex for a lifetime, choose today to create a resilient sex life that can handle the challenges of tomorrow.

It reminds me of Joseph from the bible. People must have thought he was crazy when he required a portion of the crops be saved for coming years of drought. After all food was abundant and overflowing. Life was good. Why did they need to give a portion of their profits for a drought that might never happen? Clearly God gave Joseph a dream to warn him about the 7 years of drought. But Joseph still had to follow through with the hard work of preparing when everyone else wanted to relax.

Sometimes the most challenging times to intentionally invest in my marriage is when things are going well. Why rock the boat, or bring up something that’s not bothering me right now? It is easy to live in denial or become complacent. But I know I have to continue to invest, even when things are easy, because challenges will come again. I want our marriage and our sex life to be so resilient, that Jim and I can work through anything together.

In order to create a resilient sex life, I had to…

Value Sex

You will never build a resilient sex life until you understand it’s value beyond the physical aspects. Someday your body might not yearn for sex. Will you make it a priority anyway?

Understanding how God connects your marriage through sex, helps you prioritize sex. When you understand God’s design, sex becomes a way to give and receive comfort and to find restoration. Do you value sex enough to prepare for times when your body does not physically ask for sex? An Awaken Love class can help you understand and embrace God’s design for sex. Don’t wait until you need help.

Start Talking

If you want your sex life to be resilient, then you must move beyond just having sex, and learn to talk about sex. Comfortably communicating your challenges during sex will help your spouse discover ways to help and to find solutions. Instead of avoiding a situation like a lost erection, or lack of orgasm, you embrace them as a way to express your love, support and adaptability. Constant communication about sex helps you to know and understand your spouse.

One of the best ways to start talking about sex is by reading a book like Awaken Love out loud to each other. Starting on a neutral platform, conversation flows easily as you periodically check in and ask, “Do you agree with that? As you gain comfort with the vocabulary you can embrace opportunities to have fun conversations, as well as more challenging ones.

Redefine Sex

Redefining sex as way to get to know each other removes performance pressure and expectations, and ultimately makes sex more resilient. Sex becomes about discovery and shared experiences rather than dependent on an erection, the right setting, or a prescribed outcome. Adaption becomes a natural part of getting to knowing each other as we change or grow. Sex is not stagnant but it is always changing. Simplistic outcomes like orgasm during intercourse become less important and are exchanged for the joy of being present with each other.

Expand Your Repertoire

If you only have one route to get to church, then a simple road closure can throw you into a panic. But when you’ve had the pleasure of taking many different routes to church, you hardly notice the change.

If sex works great for you and you never learn anything new, you won’t be prepared when a roadblock comes. Expanding your repertoire is fun, but it is also a necessary element of creating a resilient marriage.

Can you enjoy sex without an erection? Can you enjoy sex without intercourse? Can you enjoy sex without using your mouth? Can you enjoy sex with little time, or little privacy? Can you use words to create excitement when you can’t touch each other and must Skype from a foreign country? How many different pathways have you discovered to create connection and pleasure together? Expand your repertoire, have fun, and prepare for a rainy day.

Final Thoughts

Too many sex lives hang on by thread. As long as no one experiences a malfunction, has to talk about sex, or adjust their expectations, sex can be enjoyed. But when challenges or adjustments need to happen, couples would rather give up, then do the hard work. Don’t wait.  Create a resilient sex life that can survive the challenges that come. Embrace God’s design for sex, learn how to talk about sex, focus on getting to know each other, and create a repertoire filled with possibilities. What you do today, will make a huge difference tomorrow.

How have you created a resilient marriage?

btw – Listen to part 2 of my podcast on Delight Your Marriage about how to make intercourse more enjoyable for the wife. 

Cultivating a Soil that Receives God’s Truth About Sex

When I read The Bible, I constantly filter everything through the ministry that I do with Awaken Love. Though I know the bible exists to help us know God, it also holds many truths for living out our faith and our calling. In Matthew 13, Jesus tells the parable of the farmer that scattered the seed. Jesus is helping the disciples learn that not everything is in their control when they tell others about Jesus. Some will receive Him, and some won’t, depending on the kind of soil.  I find the parable helpful as I follow my calling of helping others embrace God’s truth about sex. Some soil is hard, some is rocky, some is filled with thorns and some soil is fertile. All I am responsible for is speaking God’s truth.

Hard Soil

Some seed falls on hard soil, like a footpath walked on over and over. The beaten down surface cannot even absorb water without much back breaking labor. So, the seed never sprouts.

Wounded people covered with walls of protection cannot hear the truth about sex. They have shut themselves off, lest they face their past. Receiving the truth about sex will require them to chip away at hardened hearts to expose painful memories. They might have to turn their lives upside down and experience pain, grief, or regrets. Allowing themselves to feel will cause much pain, but will also create much joy and  real intimacy.

Shallow Soil

Some seed falls on shallow soil. Though the top is fertile, underneath is covered with rocks. The seed quickly sprouts, but without deep roots, a little dry weather causes the young sprouts to wither and die.

Many women quickly embrace God’s truth about sex. Initially filled with excitement, they can’t wait for things to change. But creating intimacy requires vulnerability, honesty, courage and persistence. Embracing God’s truth about sex will require that we remove the rocks – the lies that we believe, the baggage that impacts us, and the patterns that have formed. We must not only understand God’s truth but takes steps of action to change our reality. If we want to create intimacy then we must let our spouse know all of us, and have the courage to know them – even their brokenness. If  they don’t let their belief run deep, a little adversity will quickly cause them to just give up and stop trying.

Thorns

Some seed fell among the thorns and weeds. Though the seed quickly sprouted and grew, with time the weeds choked it out.

Some women not only embrace God’s truth about sex, but start putting things into action. Excited by the new growth they try new things, start communicating with their husband, and experience a new level of intimacy. But when the newness has worn off, life creeps back in – phones, computers, kids, ministry, work. Without the reminders of class, they stop planning new things or even finding the time to connect on a regular basis. Worries begin to seep in and they wonder if they really did receive healing from their past. Maybe they just weren’t made to enjoy sex. Maybe sex is not that big a deal.

Fertile

Some seeds fell on fertile soil and grew tall and strong.  They even produced new seeds – 30, 60 or even 100 times what was originally planted.

Some women embrace God’s truth about sex and grow deep roots. Even when they face challenges, they fight for their sex life and don’t give up. They keep learning about their spouse and exposing more of themselves. Working on their sex life improves other areas of their marriage too – communication, emotional intimacy, and feeling like a team even through the struggles. They don’t hide or keep secrets from each other.

Embracing God’s design for sex not only impacts them but it impacts others. They constantly talk to their kids about sex to help them navigate culture and look forward to marriage. Friends know who to go to when they have questions about sex. Even at church they constantly look for opportunities to share the truth about sex. Working on their sex life, not only impacts them but others.

Cultivating Your Soil

I love to garden but sometime the soil is not ideal. If the surface is hard, I use a pick ax or shovel to loosen it up to let water and nutrients in. Rocks must be removed to let the roots grow deep. Pulling weeds becomes a constant battle that gets easier with persistence. I add nutrients on a regular basis to encourage growth and keep the soil loose. With hard work, courage and persistence I create a beautiful garden.

We can change our soil too.  Regardless of your past experiences, you can experience healing, but it will take hard work. You will need to remove the coping mechanisms and protective walls to open your heart to the truth. Steps of actions and faith will let the truth sink in deep. You will need to guard your time together and intentionally plan dates, or even just going to be early. Make hard decisions to care for your marriage. Create fertile soil by surrounding yourself with others that value marriage and intimacy. Spend time connecting with God and get your strength from Him. God will not force us to embrace His truth but He will be with us every step of the way.

How do you tend your soil?

Stepping Into Freedom

Before my awakening, I had no idea how much freedom God wanted me to experience in our marriage bed. Though we explored more than missionary position, I felt uneasy expressing myself. At times I reined myself in out of fear of going too far or losing control. Where were the guardrails? Could we enjoy what the world enjoys? What was okay and what was not? How much pleasure was too much pleasure?

(more…)

What’s New at Awaken Love for 2019

As we move into 2019, I cannot help but pause to thank God for what He has done at Awaken Love. Last year was a year of God’s provision and creating community.

2018

Last Spring God surprised me with funds to create more video classes. The Engaged Class launched to help couples understand God’s design for sex before marriage. Filled with practical tips, and discussion starters, opening up conversations about sex will help couples start off on the right foot

The Men’s Edition of Awaken Love was filmed in Dec and will launch in March.  Videos that parallel the women’s class, will help husbands understand their wives and move beyond just having sex to intimately connecting through sex.

My first book Awaken Love self published and already over 800 copies have sold. The book will act as a great entry point for those not ready to take a class, or as a follow up for those that want a refresher.

From the humble beginnings  with 8 close friends 7 years ago, over 1400 women and 200 men have participated in Awaken Love classes. Feedback continues to confirm the importance of community for growth and transformation.

2019

As I prayed about 2019, God gave me the word Disciple. I want to be a disciple of Christ, but I also want to be a disciple of Godly sexuality.  I don’t just want to help people discover God’s design for their sex life. I want to equip them to pass a healthy mindset about sex down to their kids or friends. As they enjoy an intimate sex life in their marriage, they can encourage others.

Along with focusing on Discipleship, I hope to…

  • Write a book about sex specifically to help men understand their wife.
  • Explore different models for Awaken Love classes – like large groups or online groups
  • Develop ways to equip and disciple women that want to teach or facilitate Awaken Love
  • Continue speaking to women, men, couples and even singles both locally and around the United States.

Final Thoughts

I love the community that is developing at Awaken Love. It is a place to come and learn. We encourage and support each other as we move towards God’s design for sex. Blogging will continue to help me process what happens in my personal life and in classes. This year I will update my Song of Songs posts, write about discipleship and sprinkle in respectful detailed posts about sex. I would also love to hear your ideas for topics.

But I also want to encourage you to go. To move beyond online discussions to minister to the people that you know face to face. Open up the topic of sex by hosting an Awaken Love video class. Invite me to come and speak at your moms group, or marriage ministry. Give a copy of my book to a friend or share about it on social media, or Amazon Reviews. Share with a friend about what you have learned or begin conversations with your kids. 

So this year, let’s move beyond ourselves. Let’s become disciples of Godly sexuality,  so that marriages all around us might be strengthened.

Sexy Ideas to Help You Survive Christmas

Grab Some Mistletoe

Or a piece of broccoli, romaine, or other greenery, and make out with your sweetheart.  Quietly sneak a moment  in the midst of the chaos and for a real kiss. To escape the family get together for a minute, slip into a bathroom, basement, bedroom,  or closet for a quick make out session.

Dress Up Your Bedroom

Turn your bedroom into your sex den. Get rid of the clutter. Remove any reminder of the kids or work. Buy a new cozy blanket, a few candles or a new mirror. Invest in a space heater or electric blanket to warm your room. Go vintage and get a lava lamp.

Twinkle Lights

Grab a few extra strands of Christmas lights and string them around your room for a different mood lighting and watch your spouse sparkle when you surprise them.

Wear Something Fun

Come to bed with a Santa Hat on and have some fun. Ask what’s on your sweethearts Christmas list with a mischievous smile. Share how they’ve been naughty or nice this year in explicit detail.

Buy Some Toys

Invest in some toys for your bedroom. Try the Ultimate Intimacy App or check out another game. Shop online at Covenant Spice or Married Dance and surprise your spouse or look through options together.

 

Take time during the season of Christmas to enjoy becoming One.

Have a Merry Christmas

Make time to have some fun as a couple and connect during the Holidays.

Building Community to Strengthen Your Marriage

In preparation for Christmas, my daughter wanted help making gifts in the wood shop. She wanted to make her dad a pizza paddle out of some cherry and walnut lumber. I have to be honest, I haven’t done much woodworking in the past 5 years, but it felt good and it was super fun to work with my daughter. She kept saying, “this wood feels so good” and “this is actually really relaxing.” Sometimes we need a little help getting back to the things that feed our soul. We need community.

(more…)

Reclaiming sex like the Garden of Eden

Have you ever thought about what sex looked like in the Garden of Eden? I imagine the first time Adam saw Eve, he was instantly mesmerized.  Someone finally like him! Yet her differences were what really caught his eye. The curves of her body, the softness of her skin, even the way that she walked and talked.

Adam must have had a hard time keeping his eyes off of Eve as her body magnetically drew him. When he gently reached to touch her, the curves of her body fit perfectly into his hands. Unafraid, Eve trusted him and immediately relaxed into his touch. Gently he explored and caressed listening for the purr of her satisfaction.

The more Adam touched her, the more Eve’s body woke up and became hungry for him. As his body covered her, the wetness drew him into her. Suddenly aware of becoming “one”, he laid still for a moment, in awe of what had happened. As she gently smiled at him and they looked into each other’s eyes, they slowly began to move together until eventually they fell into a puddle of each other.

(more…)

Adapting to Physical Limitations During Sex

A few weeks ago, I had a molar pulled that had bothered me for years. The recovery of an implant has been slow. With activities like kissing eliminated, my husband and are learning to adapt. Rubbing noses and burrowing into each other’s necks have helped us stay connected during sex. Rather than avoid sex we are learning new things, and grateful for what we have – not unlike a friend of mine.

I will never forget the night that Stacy showed up in class. With eyes that sparkled, and a smile that lit up the room, she rolled into class on her scooter. Years of a physical disability might have limited her mobility but God filled her soul with a passion for living that made me just want to hang out and learn from her.

After reconnecting with her at my book signing party, I asked if she would share a few thoughts to help others challenged by a physical limitation. What follows are her words.

(more…)

What Women Need to Hear About Sex

When I wrote my book Awaken Love I spend several months praying, listening to God, collecting stories of women in class, and digging deep to remember how God transformed me. As part of the process, I brainstormed on large pieces of poster board with the question scrawled across the top, “What do I want to tell women? It did not take long for clear principles to emerge that I wanted to make the backbone of Awaken Love.

Do It for You

Women don’t need to hear again how important sex is for their husband. They need to know that God created sex for them too. Though are drives and our bodies function quite different than our husband’s, we need sex to connect with our husband, to find refreshment and as a way of getting to know ourselves and our husband. We need to know that sex is a good thing for us and permission to know and understand our own body  Women need to be encouraged to invest the time to create a sex life that is thoroughly enjoyable for both husband and wife.

(more…)

How Valuable is Great Sex to You?

Recently a woman that facilitated the video class remarked that I really ought to consider raising the price of the class. She was a professional online class developer and felt shocked at how good the class was for the cost. The resources provided, the teaching and the transformation that she witnessed seemed worth a lot more then $10. She thought that if I charged more, people would sign up because they would realize just how valuable and powerful the class is.

Ministry

Maybe she’s right and I am a fool, but I don’t want to raise the price. I keep the price low because I consider Awaken-Love a ministry. When I started teaching classes, I didn’t do it to make money. I teach classes because God has called me to help others. The other teachers donate their time and so do facilitators. Honestly, I don’t want women to think we are trying to convince them to take the class, just so that we can make a few bucks.

(more…)