Choice- Reclaiming the Power in Your Life

Choice. A powerful word, an empowering concept. It has helped me reframe everything that I do and helped me to better own my life. Rather than feeling like a victim of my circumstance or the people around me, I choose what I do, how I react and what I believe. I am no longer dependent on others for my happiness, worth, or even desirability.  I make the choices that influence what I believe about myself.

But choice is not just about how I act, it is what must be granted to feel chosen. If I want to feel desired, than I must let the other choose. I cannot make that happen. But when I become the person that God created me to be, and stop trying to control things that I do not control, then I make it possible for others to choose me.

Choice

From the beginning of time God has given us choice. He instructed Adam and Eve not to eat from the tree of knowledge, and then He let them choose. Would they trust Him and His goodness for them? Would they choose Him, or would they chase after their own desires and suffer the consequences?

We face constant choices. We may not control our circumstances, but we choose how we handle our circumstances.

Taking responsibility for ourselves and our choices, requires maturity and courage.  It is much easier to cast blame on others or the situation at hand, just like Adam and Eve did.

“The serpent made me do it!” replied Eve.

“She gave me the fruit!”, Adam cried.

“I have no one to help me…”

“If only my husband connected with me emotionally then…”

“My wife doesn’t have enough sex with me so I…”

We spend enormous energy casting blame on others. We spew, accuse, vent, cry, stomp our feet, and retreat in silence, while grappling to control that which we cannot control. Satan has deceived us and we eventually indulge in playing the role of victim.

“I cannot be happy unless he makes me happy.”

“If she would make love to me, then I would feel like a man.”

“His desire will prove that I am worth choosing.”

And we lose sight of the power we hold.  But the truth is that we choose who we become, how we act, and what we believe about ourselves.

Agency

Choice gives us agency. Rather than blaming others, we take responsibility for ourselves and become an actor in our own life.  We get to decide how we live; how much we love and who we serve. Rather than waiting for the other, we go first. Rather than doing things as a way to convince others of their need to change, we do them simply out of love. Regardless of how poorly someone treats us, we choose to treat them with love. (And I don’t mean to let them mistreat us. Sometimes the most loving thing that we do is to draw a line in the sand and say, “this is not ok”). But we have the power to choose to do things differently – to love others and extend compassion – even when they are not acting very loveable.

God Himself shows us the way… Romans 5:8 says, But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” God did not wait until we chose Him. In fact, some of us may never choose Him. But Christ chose us anyway.

Can we do the same for the impatient grocery clerk that is having a bad day, by extending compassion, patience and kindness? What about our husband that just doesn’t seem to understand how their silence makes us feel unloved?

What would happen if we put the responsibility for our actions squarely on our own shoulders? Not so that we can feel superior, or convince our spouse that they need help, but simply because we choose to love. Can you imagine how empowering it would be to pause when you feel like reacting and remind yourself, I have the power to choose who I want to be and how I treat those I care about.

Loving others is not becoming who they want you to be. Loving others is becoming the person that God created you to be. We treat others with respect and love, and we become more like Christ. As we begin to feel better about ourselves, we become less needy. Choosing to love becomes something that fill us up – not drains us. We don’t have to, we want to. We choose.

Being Chosen

While I have the power to choose my husband, I am slowly facing the fact that I cannot make my husband choose me. Sure, I might complain enough that my husband starts doing those things because he loves me. Or I might tearfully share all the ways he has disappointed me as a way to covertly produce the reassurance of his devotion. I might even share a podcast, hoping that he will learn what I deem important. But if I orchestrate my husband’s behavior, then has he really chosen me? Have I given him a choice?

In order for my husband to choose me, I must let go of trying to control him. Because whether Jim realizes it or not, I know the covert ways that I have tried to feel chosen. If I want Jim to choose me, then I must grow up and stop demanding. I don’t want Jim to love me because I am needy. I want him to choose me, because I am worth choosing. All I have control over is me.

So I shift my focus from Jim, and work toward becoming a woman that is worth choosing. Over and over, every day, I let go of Jim and choose to work on me. What can I do differently? How can I be more open? Do I really want to know him, or do I just want him to give me the answers that I want? Am I sharing my feelings to be more open, or to covertly guilt him into changing? Am I making him responsible or blaming him for my unhappiness, or am I taking care of myself. I stop trying to make him choose me and become a woman that I believe is worth choosing.

Then when Jim does choose me, through the myriad of ways that he cares and love me every day, it feels real. He did it on his own without my help. He chose me.

What if you start viewing life through the lens of choice?

Train Your Body to Become More Responsive During Sex

Culture teaches that great sex just happens naturally. So, when a woman’s body does not respond during intercourse, it is easy for her to feel broken or defective. If we can hold back the shame, in time we will realize that God created women with amazing bodies that can learn to respond sexually in countless ways. With practice, hard work and courage we can discover new things. We can’t just try the same things over and over. We must train our body to be more flexible in how and what we respond to so that our body learns to enjoy different types of love making – even intercourse.

Learned Response

Orgasm is a learned response to what your body finds enjoyable.  If you aren’t familiar with your own body, it may take time to wake up. In the beginning you may feel nervous or self-conscious, and sexual stimulation might not feel amazing. But the more you create positive experiences, the more you anticipate good things and the faster your body responds.  So be patient, push yourself to try new things, create positive experiences and build on what you learn.

Just like playing different songs on the piano takes practice, so does responding sexually. If you practiced chop sticks an hour every day for a year, you would get very good at chop sticks, but you would struggle to play any other song. To play piano well you must practice different scales, different songs, different tempos and different styles. Eventually accomplished piano players can become so proficient that they no longer depend on the music, but can freely create a full range of expressions.

Train Your Body

One of the most interesting secular books that I have read on having an orgasm during intercourse is “How to have an orgasm…as often as you want.” by Rachel Swift. After years of frustration over her lack of response during intercourse, she developed a program to train her body to become more flexible in its response. She teaches her body to respond to different simulations, in different positions, and different locations.  Eventually her body becomes so flexible to what it will respond to that even the stimulation during intercourse will cause her to orgasm every time.

I don’t necessarily agree with her training program, but her experience backs up the principle that women’s bodies can learn new things. If God designed sex as a way to get to know each other, maybe we have a lot to discover together. Some of the concepts might help us experience more during sex.  So, let’s look at this whole concept of training our bodies.

Practice Often

Just like playing the piano, you must practice and practice often. If you are only having sex once a week, then you basically start over every week – nervous, anxious and wondering how you will respond. When you have sex often (my definition of sex is broad – not just intercourse), your mind can relax and your body begin to recognize places that it has been before and enjoyed. The more your body anticipates positive experiences, the quicker it responds. If you want to make progress towards becoming more responsive, then you need to have sex often.

Expand our Flexibility

In order to expand our flexibility, we need to train our bodies to enjoy new sensations. Rather than sticking with what worked previously, change it up. If you enjoy manual stimulation a certain way, then change it up. Try a different motion or pace. Try indirect touch instead of direct touch. Have him touch you through your clothes or with the palm of his hand instead of his fingers.  Use a soft object or his penis to touch your vulva. Be patient because it takes time for your body to learn new things. Stay relaxed, pay attention to what starts to become enjoyable and keep practicing until you get there. Thank God for every new sensation that you experience and enjoy the journey as God opens up new pathways to orgasm.

Different Positions

So much of intercourse is related to the positions that we use. To move towards having an orgasm during intercourse, practice manual or oral stimulation in different positions. Can you orgasm kneeling as if you were straddling your husband? Can you orgasm on your side, when you are spooning? Are you able to orgasm standing up? Train your body to respond to manual stimulation in these positions to increase the chances of responding during intercourse. Could we even learn to like different positions by creating positive experiences?

Quick Response

Could I train my body to respond quickly when I wanted to? Sometimes I think I hold off orgasm simply because I want to enjoy sex longer.What if I knew that I only had a couple of minutes before we would be interrupted? Could my body kick into gear? Could I train my body to jump into hyper-drive because we had limited time? Imagine the fun scenarios we could dream up when time was of the essence? Maybe we have more control over our orgasms than we think.

Final Thoughts

Some of us have resigned ourselves to a sex life of limited possibilities. Your body has the capacity to learn new things – even when it comes to your sexuality. If you want sex to improve then think about how you can train your body to become more flexible in its response. Imagine positive experiences to create anticipation for pleasure. Practice new things until they become easy.  Train your body to respond with different stimulation, in different positions or with limited time. God’s created sex to get to know each other. When you stretch yourself and learn new things, you get to know each other in new ways. Enjoy learning new things together and you might discover that the journey is just as enjoyable as the destination.

Rewritten from original post Flexibility Training for Orgasms  on 3/8/2015

Becoming a Sexually Confident Spouse

What does it take to create an amazing sex life?

It takes two sexually confident people, showing up and sharing themselves. Though you can’t change your spouse, you can work on yourself. We all have plenty  to work on, so here are 8 Characteristics  of a Sexually Confident Spouse.

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A Resilient Sex Life That Will Last

Though we might not realize it, all of us will eventually face things that threaten our sex life. Sometimes the challenge lasts for a short season, like the lack of privacy when living with your in-laws during a housing transition. Other times the challenge lasts for a season like when you feel exhausted raising kids. And sometimes, the challenge might never end. Receiving treatment for prostate cancer may forever alter the way a husband’s body responds. Most of us wait to work on something until we have a problem.  But If you want to enjoy sex for a lifetime, choose today to create a resilient sex life that can handle the challenges of tomorrow.

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Cultivating a Soil that Receives God’s Truth About Sex

When I read The Bible, I constantly filter everything through the ministry that I do with Awaken Love. Though I know the bible exists to help us know God, it also holds many truths for living out our faith and our calling. In Matthew 13, Jesus tells the parable of the farmer that scattered the seed. Jesus is helping the disciples learn that not everything is in their control when they tell others about Jesus. Some will receive Him, and some won’t, depending on the kind of soil.  I find the parable helpful as I follow my calling of helping others embrace God’s truth about sex. Some soil is hard, some is rocky, some is filled with thorns and some soil is fertile. All I am responsible for is speaking God’s truth.

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Stepping Into Freedom

Before my awakening, I had no idea how much freedom God wanted me to experience in our marriage bed. Though we explored more than missionary position, I felt uneasy expressing myself. At times I reined myself in out of fear of going too far or losing control. Where were the guardrails? Could we enjoy what the world enjoys? What was okay and what was not? How much pleasure was too much pleasure?

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What’s New at Awaken Love for 2019

As we move into 2019, I cannot help but pause to thank God for what He has done at Awaken Love. Last year was a year of God’s provision and creating community.

2018

Last Spring God surprised me with funds to create more video classes. The Engaged Class launched to help couples understand God’s design for sex before marriage. Filled with practical tips, and discussion starters, opening up conversations about sex will help couples start off on the right foot

The Men’s Edition of Awaken Love was filmed in Dec and will launch in March.  Videos that parallel the women’s class, will help husbands understand their wives and move beyond just having sex to intimately connecting through sex.

My first book Awaken Love self published and already over 800 copies have sold. The book will act as a great entry point for those not ready to take a class, or as a follow up for those that want a refresher.

From the humble beginnings  with 8 close friends 7 years ago, over 1400 women and 200 men have participated in Awaken Love classes. Feedback continues to confirm the importance of community for growth and transformation.

2019

As I prayed about 2019, God gave me the word Disciple. I want to be a disciple of Christ, but I also want to be a disciple of Godly sexuality.  I don’t just want to help people discover God’s design for their sex life. I want to equip them to pass a healthy mindset about sex down to their kids or friends. As they enjoy an intimate sex life in their marriage, they can encourage others.

Along with focusing on Discipleship, I hope to…

  • Write a book about sex specifically to help men understand their wife.
  • Explore different models for Awaken Love classes – like large groups or online groups
  • Develop ways to equip and disciple women that want to teach or facilitate Awaken Love
  • Continue speaking to women, men, couples and even singles both locally and around the United States.

Final Thoughts

I love the community that is developing at Awaken Love. It is a place to come and learn. We encourage and support each other as we move towards God’s design for sex. Blogging will continue to help me process what happens in my personal life and in classes. This year I will update my Song of Songs posts, write about discipleship and sprinkle in respectful detailed posts about sex. I would also love to hear your ideas for topics.

But I also want to encourage you to go. To move beyond online discussions to minister to the people that you know face to face. Open up the topic of sex by hosting an Awaken Love video class. Invite me to come and speak at your moms group, or marriage ministry. Give a copy of my book to a friend or share about it on social media, or Amazon Reviews. Share with a friend about what you have learned or begin conversations with your kids. 

So this year, let’s move beyond ourselves. Let’s become disciples of Godly sexuality,  so that marriages all around us might be strengthened.

Sexy Ideas to Help You Survive Christmas

Grab Some Mistletoe

Or a piece of broccoli, romaine, or other greenery, and make out with your sweetheart.  Quietly sneak a moment  in the midst of the chaos and for a real kiss. To escape the family get together for a minute, slip into a bathroom, basement, bedroom,  or closet for a quick make out session.

Dress Up Your Bedroom

Turn your bedroom into your sex den. Get rid of the clutter. Remove any reminder of the kids or work. Buy a new cozy blanket, a few candles or a new mirror. Invest in a space heater or electric blanket to warm your room. Go vintage and get a lava lamp.

Twinkle Lights

Grab a few extra strands of Christmas lights and string them around your room for a different mood lighting and watch your spouse sparkle when you surprise them.

Wear Something Fun

Come to bed with a Santa Hat on and have some fun. Ask what’s on your sweethearts Christmas list with a mischievous smile. Share how they’ve been naughty or nice this year in explicit detail.

Buy Some Toys

Invest in some toys for your bedroom. Try the Ultimate Intimacy App or check out another game. Shop online at Covenant Spice or Married Dance and surprise your spouse or look through options together.

 

Take time during the season of Christmas to enjoy becoming One.

Have a Merry Christmas

Make time to have some fun as a couple and connect during the Holidays.

Building Community to Strengthen Your Marriage

In preparation for Christmas, my daughter wanted help making gifts in the wood shop. She wanted to make her dad a pizza paddle out of some cherry and walnut lumber. I have to be honest, I haven’t done much woodworking in the past 5 years, but it felt good and it was super fun to work with my daughter. She kept saying, “this wood feels so good” and “this is actually really relaxing.” Sometimes we need a little help getting back to the things that feed our soul. We need community.

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Reclaiming sex like the Garden of Eden

Have you ever thought about what sex looked like in the Garden of Eden? I imagine the first time Adam saw Eve, he was instantly mesmerized.  Someone finally like him! Yet her differences were what really caught his eye. The curves of her body, the softness of her skin, even the way that she walked and talked.

Adam must have had a hard time keeping his eyes off of Eve as her body magnetically drew him. When he gently reached to touch her, the curves of her body fit perfectly into his hands. Unafraid, Eve trusted him and immediately relaxed into his touch. Gently he explored and caressed listening for the purr of her satisfaction.

The more Adam touched her, the more Eve’s body woke up and became hungry for him. As his body covered her, the wetness drew him into her. Suddenly aware of becoming “one”, he laid still for a moment, in awe of what had happened. As she gently smiled at him and they looked into each other’s eyes, they slowly began to move together until eventually they fell into a puddle of each other.

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