The Critical Moments before Her Orgasm

Most women understand how critical the moments are just before orgasm. In an instant we can go from being “right there”, to “dang it, what happened!”  When we have to, we can learn to roll with the punches and circle around to take another run at it. But when husbands understand the critical moments before orgasm, they can increase the odds their wife finishes the first round.

The easiest way for a husband to tune into the ways his wife’s body is during during manual or oral stimulation. So though the principles translate to intercourse, our discussion will be in terms of manual or oral stimulation.

Recognizing the Moment

Husbands need to recognize when their wife reaches the critical moments just before orgasm. While feeling her with either your mouth or your hands, you will notice subtle changes that indicate, her body is at the critical moment.  For some women the inner lips will flatten out and suddenly become silky smooth. Some men might notice the color of her inner labia change from pink to red, or red to dark red. The most obvious evidence is the disappearance of the clitoral head. Just before orgasm, as the clitoris becomes more engorged and more sensitive, it suddenly retracts behind the skin. This is the critical moment.

Stay Steady

Whatever you were doing when she got here, keep doing it – like clockwork. Avoid some of the common mistakes men make in making love to their wife.  When you get excited that she’s close, resist moving faster or harder, just stay steady.  Don’t panic when her clitoris disappears and think you need to go to town on her, just stick with what was working. Make sure you’re paying attention to her body so that you don’t shift gears at the worst time. When her clitoris hides stay with her. You are right there. Whatever you do, don’t lose connection to her. Maintain contact with whatever you were stimulating to get her there.

Add A Booster

While maintaining the foundation of stimulation, interject enticements to help her tumble over the top. You might gently squeeze her nipples to launch her over the top. Speaking reassuring words of, “you are so beautiful” or “just let go” might catapult her. Or maybe in the midst of your steady foundation of stimulation, you circle back to tease and tantalize other sensitive areas creating a spark or light ripple that contrasts with the deep intense connection you are holding onto.

Final Thoughts

Recognizing your wife’s critical moment is the first step in helping her finish strong. If you have no idea what I am talking about, ask your wife. At some point, she is “right there”, and unlike you, she can lose it in a moment. She can help by using a simple phrase like, “don’t stop” to communicate when she’s at the critical moment. Observe her body, her breath, her composure, and tune into her clues so that you can help her finish. Keep doing whatever you were doing to get her there – like clock work. While maintaining the connection, add a booster to take her over the edge, and watch the fireworks fly.

What If Your Wife Has Never Experienced Orgasm?

Husbands want their wife to enjoy sex as much as they do. But if a wife has never experienced orgasm, she may not even know what she is missing. If she has never tasted the most delicious chocolate cake in the world, she may not think it’s that big a deal. Or may just start to believe it’s not possible. When things don’t naturally fall into place, a husband can feel confused, discouraged and lost. With silence surrounding the topic of sex, couples just stay stuck. Instead of looking for answers, they settle. But husbands can play a key role in helping a wife figure out how to orgasm.


How Can a Husband Help His Wife Orgasm?

Some women lose interest in sex when it seems like their husband has all the fun. Watching a husband collapse in pleasure night after night, while rarely or never responding can feel discouraging and disheartening. And it can be enough to make a woman avoid sex. If you want your wife to enjoy sex than you need to do what you can to help your wife orgasm on a consistent basis.


How to Have an Orgasm if you never have…

As I sat down to write an article on how to have an orgasm, a good friend texted wondering what I was up to.

“Not much”, I said, “Just writing a post on how to have an orgasm.”

“Step by step instructions?”, she texted back.

“Not exactly step by step. It doesn’t really work that way. Does it?”


“What are the steps?”, I asked.

“1. This is your crotch. 2. Locate your clitoris. 3. Rub”

Wise counsel from a wise friend, but seriously, sometimes figuring out how to have an orgasm just isn’t that simple.

If you have never had an orgasm, don’t give up. Just because you haven’t had one yet, doesn’t mean you can’t or won’t. Many of us took months or even years to learn how to orgasm the first time so you are not alone. Learning how your body works takes time and energy but it is well worth the investment.


Manual Stimulation for Your Wife

Manual Stimulation can be one of the most intense ways for your wife to experience orgasm, but it does not necessarily come easily or intuitively. Keep reading for some tips to make manual stimulation something to remember.

Rubbing Vs Feeling

One of the MOST important concepts we teach in the Awaken-Love Men’s Edition is the difference between “rubbing” and “feeling”.  In order to illustrate the point, we have the men put a little coconut oil on their wrist. We then ask them to spend a little time “rubbing” their wrist. Being the task oriented men they are, they get right at it, rubbing their wrist with focused vigor.

After a few minutes, we stop them, take a deep breath and then ask them to “feel” their wrist. Their movement instantly changes to a slow, sensuous, thoughtful feeling of their wrist. We see them thinking about what they experience. Their mind intently mapping the terrain and responses.  Next we spend time exploring ways to “feel” not just the surface of the skin, but the area under the skin. By keeping their fingers attached to the skin to eliminate friction, they can better feel tendons and veins. We finish by spending time simply holding still. Sometimes you can pick up a pulse or feel tension better by simply holding still.

As we process the difference between “rubbing and feeling”, a giant light bulb goes on for the men.


Does God have a Hierarchy of Orgasms?

I have a confession to make – for years I did not really enjoy intercourse. It just did nothing for me. In fact, many times it was even painful. And it used to upset me to read Christian books or blogs that said it is ok to enjoy the other stuff but intercourse should always be most important. It did not match my personal experience and it made me feel broken.

It was as if they were creating another expectation that I could not meet – a hierarchy of sexual enjoyment

  • Simultaneous orgasm during intercourse
  • Orgasm during intercourse hands free
  • Orgasm during intercourse with help
  • Orgasm during outer course
  • Orgasm during manual stimulation
  • Orgasm during oral stimulation
  • Orgasm using a vibrator
  • Orgasm while touching yourself

———-SCRATCH ————–

There is no hierarchy of sexual expression. God does not rate the sex acts.


Flexibility Training for Orgasms

flexibility training

God created women with amazing minds and bodies that can learn how to respond sexually in countless ways. To work towards having an orgasm during intercourse, we need to become more flexible in how and what we respond to.

Learned Response

Just like playing different songs on the piano takes practice, so does responding sexually. If you practiced chop sticks an hour every day for a year, you would get very good at chop sticks, but you would struggle to play any other song. To play piano well you must practice different scales, different songs and at different tempos. Eventually piano players can become so proficient that they no longer depend on the music, but can play freely from memory, or ear.

Orgasm is a learned response to what our body finds enjoyable.  The first time we experience something, our body may not recognize it as something that enjoyable. As we anticipate good things and we build positive experiences, our body responds accordingly.

Although this article could be helpful for anyone, it  is part of a series “How to have an orgasm during intercourse”. If you are working towards that goal, please make sure that you read my previous articles The Big Question, His and Her Kegels and Talk about What?


Rubbing vs Feeling – Manual Stimulation

hands-reachingOne of the MOST important concepts that I teach in my men’s class “How to love your Wife” is the difference between “rubbing and feeling”.  In order to illustrate my point, I have the men put a little coconut oil on their wrist, and then I ask them to “rub” their wrists. Being the task oriented men that they are, they get right at it, rubbing their wrists with focused vigor. After a few minutes, I stop them from rubbing and ask them to now “feel” their wrists. Their movements are instantly reduced to a slow, sensuous movement while their mind maps the terrain and response.  Next we spend time exploring ways to feel not just the skin covering the wrist, but what is under the skin by using movements that eliminate the distraction of skin to skin friction. Finally we process what is different between “rubbing and feeling”, and a giant light bulb goes on.


Let your fingers do the walking

main8467If you got a chance to read about “The amusement park of orgasms” in Hot, Holy and Humorous, then you know that the first orgasm she describes is “The Roller Coaster Dip”. It is that mind blowing orgasm that swooshes down a free fall as it releases every ounce of sexual tension in your body. It can leave you feeling like a blob of putty that cannot move, speak or think.  It is the orgasm that results from stimulation of the clitoris by hands,  mouth, or whatever.

Direct stimulation of the clitoris is the most reliable way for women to orgasm. Many times it is the most defined orgasm especially if intercourse is not taking place at the same time. With clitoral stimulation , there is a clarity of where the sensations are coming and a radiating out from that point to the ends of our finger tips and toes and the top of our head.

For women that have never had an orgasm, giving yourself the freedom to do some self-exploration may be the best thing you ever do for your marriage. A book I read recently that worked with pre-orgasmic women, suggested spending an hour every day for 2-5 weeks to figure out what works for you. That sounds like an enormous amount of time. but why not. When we learn how to play an instrument or a sport, we commit to practice on a regular basis for years. So why not commit to learning your body, so that you can teach your husband?

Even for women that orgasm on a regular basis, it is not unusual for orgasms resulting from self stimulation to physically feel the strongest, and we might wonder how this can be.


Discoveries in Sex

Masters_Of_SexI’ve been reading the book” Masters of Sex” that chronicles the life of William Masters and Virginia Johnson who revolutionized sex in the 1960’s. Previous to their studies, even doctors knew absolutely nothing about the actual physiology of sex, especially for women. If wives went to their ob/gyn with a question, they were simply given a hug and told that everything would be ok. In fact, Master’s and Johnson’s initial medical articles on sex were scorned because not even doctors dared to talk about sex.

Masters and Johnson monitored and observed over 10,000 orgasms resulting from self-stimulation or intercourse over a period of 10 years. They studied heart rates, pulse, changes in coloration, breath rates and even made a camera to observe what happens inside the vagina. It is doubtful that a study will ever be allowed again of this magnitude.