Conversations to Improve Intercourse

I don’t think great sex just happens. Real life is not like the movies where he confidently takes you in his arms, desire inflames your body, and intercourse simultaneously takes both of you to the moon and back. Great sex happens because you muster enough courage to talk about your needs and desires, and can hear and honor your spouse’s needs and desires. If you want to make intercourse more pleasurable, then it will require you to have some hard conversations. You must talk about where you are at, what you would like to try, let him know how he can help, and prepare with back-up plans.

Getting Honest

Our husband cannot always tell if we finish during intercourse, especially if we let our bodies become aroused enough to possibly orgasm. If you want intercourse to improve, then you have to be honest with him about everything – even whether you finished.

Your husband might already know you don’t orgasm during intercourse, but the two of you have never really spoken about it. Or maybe your husband thinks you finish every time because sometimes you do, and he can’t really tell the difference when you don’t. Or maybe you’ve gotten into the habit of faking it in order to give him permission to finish. Either way, if you want to improve intercourse, you need to share the truth.

Hard conversations about sex probably shouldn’t take place in the bedroom, or right after sex. Find a neutral location when both of you are rested to approach the topic.

The conversation might go something like this…

“When we have intercourse, I love feeling close to you, and I love feeling you inside of me. Even though I thoroughly enjoy it, I don’t always finish. I wish it was simpler for me, but sometimes my body is just tricky. It is nothing that you do, for most women sex just isn’t that easy. I am still learning how my body works and what feels good. I want to be honest with you, because I want to work toward making intercourse amazing for both of us. I need to know that you care, that you can handle knowing the truth and that you will work with me to make things even better.”

Taking Charge

In order to figure out what feels really good during intercourse we need to have the freedom to control the movement, the tempo and the progression. Probably the easiest way, is for you to climb on top and straddle him. In this position, you can adjust the angle, linger in certain areas, and align different body parts. You can also control the tempo of stimulation and the pace that things progress.  Don’t be afraid to take charge.

The idea that we are supposed to just lay back while our husband gives us an orgasm is a lie. Our husband moves likes he wants to in order to orgasm during intercourse. We have permission to do the same.

The conversation might sound something like this….

In order to figure out what feels really good to me, I need to try some new things. I’d like to try being on top and have you just lay still while I move and experiment. I need the freedom to do this from time to time so that I can reinforce and revisit things that feel good.”

His Support

Your husband can make a world of difference by being your rock and your cheerleader. When things don’t go as hoped, his loving assurances can keep you from giving up. If you feel discouraged, he can remind you of how much you’ve learned and grown. When you become frustrated and need a break, he can take you to other places. Tell him how he can help you. He wants to be your hero.

The conversation might sound something like this…

“If I give up, I need you to take care of me. I need you to let me know that you care. I need you to remind me of the progress that I am making and the new things that we are learning together. “

Remove the Pressure

In order to take the pressure off both of you, you need a plan B; a way for you to finish if you don’t orgasm during intercourse. Just because he has an orgasm, does not mean that sex must be over.

There are a couple of reasons a plan B is so important. First, you do not want to set up a pattern of disappointment by leaving your body hanging time after time. Soon your body will begin to expect disappointment and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Second, you want to enjoy what is going on instead of worrying. If your husband is lying there thinking, “Am I going to last long enough?”, and you are thinking, “Am I going to make it?”, then are you really connecting? Give yourself the freedom to be present and enjoy the new sensations you experience together without worrying about disappointment.

So what does a plan B look like….

Come up with a way for you to finish after he has an orgasm, even if he’s getting sleepy. It might mean finishing yourself with your hands while he holds you or plays with your breasts. It might mean pulling out a vibrator and having him hold it for you. He might want to use his hands or mouth on you.  The key is not shutting yourself down because you didn’t finish during intercourse. It is not too much work, time, or trouble. You are absolutely worth it, so enjoy it.

The conversation outside of the bedroom might sound something like…

“I want to work towards having an orgasm during intercourse, but I know that won’t always happen. It’s hard when I am left hanging, and I find myself worrying during sex instead of enjoying it. Can we come up with a way for me to finish, even after you’re done, so we both can enjoy sex. Maybe you could finish me with your hands, or your mouth, or a vibrator.”

Then you need to come up with simple phrases that you can use after intercourse to let him know you are not done.

For example…

“Can we keep going?”

“Want to get the bullet?”

“Hold my breasts while I finish.”

Or if it’s too hard for you to ask in the moment, then challenge him to ask. Maybe every time you have sex, he expectantly asks,

Want to keep going?”

Having a Plan B will revolutionize your sex life. Instead of worrying, you will have the freedom to play, experiment, connect with each other and enjoy the journey. When you don’t worry about the finish line, you discover amazing new things.

Getting Started

The hard conversations we had about sex were the catalyst for huge changes in our marriage bed.  We spent years having sex without really being able to talk about anything. Our first step of getting comfortable talking about sex, was a reading a sex book out loud to each other. Pick up a copy of Awaken Love to read together and spend time discussing what you are learning. It even has discussion questions after each chapter that will help you dig deeper. Once you can talk about sex, you can move towards some of the harder conversations to improve intercourse.

Whether or not you have an orgasm during intercourse, make it an intimate, pleasurable time of connection for both of you. When you can have honest conversations about sex without getting prickly, there is no limit to what you can discover.

Next time – Flexibility Training

Rewritten from original post of “Talk about Sex?” from 3/8/2015

conversations about intercourse

Include God in Your Conversations About Sex

Conversations about sex and God rarely take place together. Somehow we have separated our creator from one of the  most powerful experiences He made for us. Yet God has a lots to say about our sexuality and any hard topic that the world challenges us with. When I made my list about what I want to communicate to my kids about sex, many of the truths involved God. Don’t depend on your church to talk about sex or other hard topics with your kids. Include God in your conversations.

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Talking About Sex in the Church – Walking the Tightrope

I have taught sex classes to Christian men and women for over 6 years. I have also written pretty detailed instruction articles on the blog for everything from oral sex, to frenulum orgasm, to how to enjoy intercourse. Along the way I have wrestled with what topics I should address and what felt like too much. At what point would I lose my audience because I wanted to educate and provide answers? Where is the line between respectful instruction and graphic detail? How do I vulnerably share the struggles and triumphs of working on my own sex life without letting people into my bedroom?

The lines for teaching about sex require careful discernment and humility. Though you may never  teach sex classes, I believe that only ways Christians can take sex back from the world, is by talking about sex. Like Juli Slattery says in Rethinking Sexuality, instead of letting the world disciple us about sex, the church, meaning us, need to disciple others about sex. We have to learn to talk about sex and walk the tight rope between helpful information, and going too far.

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Amazing Stories

This year, we made a big change in the Awaken-Love class.  We started asking women to share their baggage. Our amazing stories are a testimony of how God works. We need to share our stories – even stories of how God has healed or forgiven us in our sex lives.

Impacting Others

In class I used to be afraid to ask women to share their baggage. But I have decided the Awaken-Love study is not just about the women in the class. I hope Awaken-Love will impact  every friend, relative or co-worker that their lives intersect with. Awaken-Love is one step in changing the whole culture of Christians and how they interact with others about sex. Christians ought to speak truth about sex everywhere they go – with their husband, with their kids, with their friends – even with non-believers. Sharing their stories of brokenness, how  God healed and redeemed them and the freedom that they now enjoy gives others hope that God is indeed a good, good God.

Week 3 of Class

When we talk about Lies, Baggage and Body Image Issues, I ask everyone to bring at least one piece of baggage they can share with class. It can be a small carry on or a giant suitcase. We don’t share specific details. But in respectful general ways, we communicate our experiences, how they affected our marriage bed, and the steps to gain freedom.

I feel astounded and humbled by the response. Women show each other trust and support. Every class  fully enters into the process of examining and sharing their past baggage. I have heard everything from…

  • innocent child play or body discovery that lead to years of shame
  • not knowing how to say no
  • non-consensual acts that led to promiscuity spinning out of control
  • not holding the lines of purity before marriage
  • struggles with porn or erotica
  • strong church messages of purity that led to inhibition
  • messages of sex being about fulfilling a husband’s needs

Every woman seems to have something and what might seem like nothing to one women can be a huge deal to another. Sometimes it is not even what happened, but it is the over reaction of a loved one that leaves a huge impact.

Next Steps

As teachers, we try to discern if there are next steps that need to happen. Sometimes we ask if we can lay hands on a woman and pray for her. Other times we sense that she needs to claim this for herself by asking God right there and then for exactly what she wants as we gather around her in agreement. Sometimes we discern that a wife needs to share with a husband and pray with him or ask a husband to pray over her.

I have seen women return to class the next week with smiles on their face and burdens lifted. Women have shared that they went home that night to have amazing conversations with loving husbands.  Women have released things that they were not supposed to carry and they have found a taste of the freedom that God desires for them.

You know, I used to say that God can heal in an instant or it can be a process. But recently I have realized that God may not always heal. Sometimes we are left with a thorn in our side like Paul and we may struggle our entire life. That thorn does not have to define us, or control us, but it can lead to a greater dependence on Christ as we live out surrender on a daily basis. We don’t have to hide our thorn from our loved ones, but we bear it with the one that fully knows us. And so, there are some intentional choices that we make as we step into living the life that God wants us to live – even when it is not easy.

Testimonies

My hope and desire is that the freedom these women experience as they throw away the code of silence, doesn’t just exist for them, but that it becomes a part of their testimony of God’s goodness. There are so many women that have experienced pain in their sexuality and it is time to start talking. Healing happens when you speak it out loud with another and you take it to the foot of the cross and you surrender it. God wants women to be whole.

Have you broken the code of silence about sexual baggage and what difference has it made for you?

Ruth Buezis