Orgasm During Intercourse? The Big Question

The most common sex questions is, “How do I have an orgasm during intercourse?” Most women struggle to consistently respond during intercourse. In fact some of us might never have an orgasm  during intercourse. Regardless of whether you orgasm, I believe that we have much to learn in order to make intercourse more connecting and pleasurable. And when you go on a journey of discovery, you never know what you might find.

My Story

When I got married and had questions about sex, I bought a secular book, “For Yourself” by Lonnie Barbach. Like most secular books, it clearly communicated that the chance of having an orgasm during intercourse was pretty slim. Most women orgasm from stimulation of the clitoris, and intercourse simply does not provide the stimulation that we need.  The book recommended focusing on what worked for a woman, and letting go of any expectation during intercourse.

So that’s what we did. We basically subscribed to the “she comes first” mantra. My husband would pleasure me and then afterwards finish inside of me.  Intercourse became something for my husband and not something I looked forward to. We assumed that me finishing during intercourse would never happen so we stopped even trying.

Years later after reading a ton of books on sex,  I recognized a huge divide between what secular books and Christian books teach. Most Christian books seem to make orgasm during intercourse the ultimate goal.  Manual techniques are just a step in the progression to learn to respond during.  Some books recommended the perfectly timed transition from foreplay to intercourse. Others suggested a strategic tilt of her hips as the magic formula. One Christian book proclaimed if a woman doesn’t orgasm during intercourse she has not surrendered to her husband. It is no surprise that women who don’t orgasm during intercourse can wonder what’s wrong with them.

As Christians, we need to be very careful not to create a hierarchy of sex. God created different ways to enjoy each other and one is not better than another. Don’t feel like you are not having “real sex” because you have not experienced orgasm during intercourse. Oral sex or manual stimulation is sex. It is not just foreplay.

But can we find a middle ground between giving up on intercourse and making orgasm during intercourse the ultimate goal.? Where we can grow and learn, without expectations or pressure that make us feel broken. A middle ground where we can embrace intercourse as a way that to intimately connect and experience pleasure – regardless of whether the wife has an orgasm.

So this series is not going to be about how to have an orgasm during intercourse. It is going to be about making intercourse a mutually fulfilling, way to connect – regardless of whether you have an orgasm.

So I want to start by helping you understand the reality of women.

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orgasm during intercourse

Tell Others the Truth About Sex and Change Lives

Recently I sat in with a group of women taking the Awaken Love video class. Their church had offered Awaken Love as a small group community and 25 women quickly registered. With four classes complete, these women had already done the hard work of talking through lies and baggage, and embracing God’s design for sex. Hungry to learn more, they enthusiastically voiced agreement as I shared insight from my own journey. I loved our time together, but what impacted me most, was their commitment to tell others the truth about sex.

Opportunities to Tell Others

A couple of weeks ago, two of the women had met for ice cream and couldn’t stop talking about class. As they excitedly processed all they were learning, a woman nearby quietly listened. Finally, she interrupted to ask about their conversation. Only recently, she had discovered her husband’s porn struggle and she wasn’t sure if they could rebuild their marriage.

These two women quickly embraced the opportunity to minister to their new friend. They shared all they had learned about God’s design for sex and how it had impacted their own marriages. But they also shared how God provided healing and transformation for them personally. Before they parted ways, they gently asked if they could pray for their new friend. I can only imagine how powerfully they ministered to this hurting woman in that moment. Talking about sex opened up the opportunity to hear about Jesus.

The world is filled with hurting marriages and people are desperately looking for answers. When we embrace God’s design for sex, it not only provides a pathway to tell others the truth about sex, but about the love of Jesus. We cannot create an intimate marriage without God’s transformation in our lives. Conversations about sex should naturally flow into conversations about Jesus.

Crossing Generation

Another woman shared that the Holy Spirit was prompting her to lead a video class with her mom and her mom’s friends. Taking Awaken Love had provided the opportunity to open up conversations with her mother about what she was learning in class. Aware of the generational gap in open conversations and information about sex, this young woman wanted her mom’s generation to experience all the freedom that she had discovered.

Many of the women in class shared their concerns about talking to their kids about sex. Though they hadn’t grown up with parents comfortable talking about sex, they were determined to change things for their kids. Class had helped these women get comfortable with the topic and for the first time they felt empowered. They knew that having normal conversations about sex with their kids could become a reality. The women were filled with enthusiasm and hope for changing future generations.

Help Others by Sharing the Truth

When women start an Awaken Love class, I always explain the greater message, “This class is not just for you, it is for every person that you interact with.”

  • What good does it do to create an amazing sex life with your husband, if years later your kids struggle with the same issues?
  • How can you not want to share God’s truth about sex, when so many marriages around you are breaking apart?
  • Do you realize how many hurting women think that God cannot heal sexual baggage?

Real transformation in the church happens when we move beyond ourselves and tell others God’s truth about sex.

Final Thoughts

It was an amazing night connecting with the women in the Awaken Love class. The memory that continues to bring tears to my eyes was when the leader asked, “How many of you have had conversations about sex with other women, outside of class?” Every single hand in the room raised.

How are you changing the world as you learn God’s truth about sex?

Look for the One Your Heart Loves

Song of Songs 3:1-5

3 All night long on my bed

    I looked for the one my heart loves;
    I looked for him but did not find him.
I will get up now and go about the city,
    through its streets and squares;
I will search for the one my heart loves.
    So I looked for him but did not find him.
The watchmen found me
    as they made their rounds in the city.
    “Have you seen the one my heart loves?”
Scarcely had I passed them
    when I found the one my heart loves.

I held him and would not let him go

   till I had brought him to my mother’s house,
    to the room of the one who conceived

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you

by the gazelles and by the does of the field:

Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires

Who is the man that your heart loves? Who is  the man that you fell head over heals in love with? Who is the man that God created your husband to be?

News Flash!!!

Our spouse is not perfect.

When we fall in love we see them through rose colored glasses. We notice and dribble over all the small ways that they love us, and if they show us any junk, we are happy to let it slide away, virtually unnoticed.

Then reality hits, and we see their grumpiness when work affects them. We grumble about their lack of planning and foresight. We silently lament their lack of leadership as we change every small decision that they make because we have a better idea. And when defensiveness hits, we immediately make it about us, rather than realizing that they bring their own insecurities into marriage.

It is time for us to “Look for the one our heart loves.” We need to put on glasses that are not rose colored glasses, but holy glasses. Glasses that will help us to see our spouse as Jesus sees them. Glasses that see his hurts and insecurities and extends compassion and grace. Glasses that will show us the man or woman that God created them to be. That can inspire and affirm them to be that person.  We need to be wives that when our spouse messes up, can say, “I know you are a better man, I’ve seen it. I know life is hard, but I forgive you and I am cheering for you.” We need to be husbands that can be compassionate when we feel insecure or afraid.

Put It Into Practice

  1. Spend some time thinking about your spouse past baggage, how they grew up, and the pressures and disappointments as a kid. Think about the pressure and responsibility they carry and extend compassion to your them this week.
  2. Spend some time thinking about the man that God created your husband to be. Picture the best in him, and realize that God wants even more for him. This week speak God’s truth over your husband in who he is in Christ.
  3. Encourage your wife in the steps of growth she is taking. Speak God’s truth over her and who she is in Christ.
  4. Affirm your husband in spiritual growth, Godly character growth or leadership growth. Look for small ways that your husband has stretched or even tried to stretch. Step back and let him lead in even small ways, with no attitude, no judging and no resentment.

Come Away, My Beloved

Song of Songs 8:13-14

He

13 You who dwell in the gardens
    with friends in attendance,
    let me hear your voice!

She

14 Come away, my beloved,
    and be like a gazelle
or like a young stag
    on the spice-laden mountain

The end of a series. 

The young Bride has grown from insecurities of worrying about her skin color, to dancing in front of her man. She has grown from urging her groom to take her away with him to inviting him to come away.

God wants us to grow – personally and in our marriage. I think part of the reason God made men and women so different is to stretch us. Marriage is this giant people growing machine that forces us to change in order to love our spouse better. And when we do, we get to experience a whole different world that we might have missed otherwise. It is not easy, in fact it may be one of the hardest things that you do. It takes facing your own humanity and realizing that you cannot do it on your own. Doing marriage will drive  you to your knees and it will drive you right into the arms of God.

I love that Song of Songs ends with her asking him to Come Away. Marriage is not supposed to feel stagnant or boring. It is supposed to be this connection that transports us to another world…

A world where the junk and the stresses disappear.

Where pettiness, selfishness and insecurities fade.

A world where we giggle and sparkle and soak in our spouses delight.

Where we dance with each other naked and unashamed in an open field under the moon light.

It does not require that we physically transport ourselves – though sometimes that is good and necessary. It simply requires that we commune together with God in the simplest of pleasures – reveling in each others bodies, minds, spirits and souls.

So, Come Away

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Can You Let Him Browse

She

My beloved has gone down to his garden,
    to the beds of spices,
to browse in the gardens
    and to gather lilies.
I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine;
    he browses among the lilies.

Do you trust your husband enough to let him go down to the garden, to the beds of spices – and then let him just BROWSE among the lilies? 

Isn’t it a nice thought that our husband could be so relaxed and engaged to “browse.” Browse implies looking intentionally with refreshing enjoyment.

“May I help you?”

“No, just browsing.”

Just admiring, considering, looking, enjoying….

Nothing is off limits when you browse. You can look at things all too wonderful or expensive or impractical for you. You can imagine what you might do with this or that. Instead of worrying about the moment, you can gather new ideas to store away for later. It engages the eyes, the mind, and the other senses – “Does the smell delight me?”, “Do I like how it feels?” There are no preconceived expectations or to do lists. It is just “browsing.”

The question is, do we trust our husband enough to let him just BROWSE? Which take us to another question…

Do you love yourself and your body  enough to believe that your husband would want to BROWSE in the garden?

I think our husbands can tell us over and over again that they love browsing in our garden, and we can still find ourselves wandering,  “Does he really like this?” “What about the smell and the taste?” ” Are you sure it is not gross?” “Hasn’t it been too long?”

Ultimately we have to love our own body before we can really believe that our husband would love our body. I wrote an article called Do you love yourself and I think this a huge deal. We have to realize how amazing our bodies are and that our genitals are not just a bunch of random flaps of skin that trap germs and smell. Our bodies change and engorge as an expression of our arousal and excitement. Whether you realize it or not, your husband is thrilled by how your body responds. So if you don’t love yourself, you need to ask yourself why and replace those lies with truth. Do not negate who God is by negating His perfect creation – you!

Put Into Action

  1. Ask your husband about your garden. Does he ever notice changes? Do your lips change? Does the color change? Can he tell when you are getting aroused?
  2. Pray Psalm 139:14 over your genitals. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
  3. Tell your husband that you want to give your body to him and that you want him to have the freedom to browse in your garden without you worrying and then pray about it together.
  4. Buy a piece of artwork for your bedroom that will remind you to let your husband browse.

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Drink Your Fill – Don’t Hold Back

Song of Songs  5:1

Eat, friends, and drink;
    drink your fill of love.

Drink your fill

It is their wedding night. He has wooed her with his words until she can’t stand it anymore and cries out for him to consummate their wedding. They have become one and  then there is this refrain

Eat, friends and drink:

     drink your fill of love.

Many scholars believe this is God himself, rejoicing and encouraging them to drink up – to the point of intoxication. Don’t hold back, have more. Don’t hold back, fill your self.

How many of us hold back because we are scared? Do we hold back because we are afraid of how powerful sex is? How many of us hold back because we are afraid to totally lose control? What if my spouse really sees me, would they still love me? How many of us hold back because we are not quite sure that God would really want us to enjoy sex? To enjoy sex this much?

But God says, “drink your fill”.

I cannot think of anywhere else in the bible that God tells you to “drink your fill”.

In this amazing thing called marriage, we experience a tiny taste of the intimacy that God desires with us. Our sex life with our husband is this playground that he gives us to play in while God is watching and saying to us, “This is only a taste of what I have for you. The freedom you experience in nakedness, the joy of seeing into each other, the unconditional love – it is nothing compared to what I have for you. Keep playing. See what you can discover because there is always more. Find refuge in each other, refresh each other, revel in each other. It is only a taste of what I have for you.”

Put It Into Action

  1. During sex make a conscious effort to experience the presence of the Lord and revel in what He has for you.
  2. Spend some time thinking and praying about whether you hold yourself back from enjoying all that God has for you in your marriage bed. Ask God to reveal  why and take some steps towards healing. Pray, talk to a Godly friend or your husband,  or make an appointment with a counselor.

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Milk and Honey are Under Your Tongue

Song of Songs 4:10-11

10 How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride!
   How much more pleasing is your love than wine,
and the fragrance of your perfume
    more than any spice!
11 Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride;
    milk and honey are under your tongue

What does Milk and Honey mean?

Milk and honey express  the abundance of pure means of enjoyment. It describes luxuries  that are plentiful and easily acquired. A metaphor meaning all good things — God’s blessings;  a land of extraordinary fertility.

Ladies –  Milk and Honey are under your tongue?

God has given us the amazing privilege to extravagantly love our husbands. Under our tongues are Milk and Honey – pure means of enjoyment. There is no end to the connection we can experience with our husbands. It is a huge blessing from God, an overflowing, an abundance.

It is as mysterious as the bee that works hard all day to gather pollen and produces natural sweetness flowing in abundance. It is as powerful as life giving milk that nurtures the young in its simplest form and yet  transforms to endless varieties of cheese and cream. The ways that we physically love our husbands are as  mysterious and powerful. God is so creative and His design AMAZES me.

Do not allow anything to corrupt or negate the gift God has given you and your husband. Enjoy it to the fullest!

Put It Into Practice

1. Love your spouse extravagantly with your tongue.

2. Enjoy some whip cream with your husband this week.

3. Sweeten some Hot  tea with Honey and warm up your mouth immediately before taking your husband.

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The Little Foxes That Keep You From Being Intimate

Song of Songs 2:15

Catch for us the foxes,
    the little foxes
that ruin the vineyards,
    our vineyards that are in bloom.

 What are your little foxes?

What are the things that keep you from being intimate? Which things distract you from your spouse? What are the things that cause strife between the two of you?

We all have little foxes in our life, that want to create division between us and our lover. Things like spending too much time at work, catering to the every need of our children, and being so busy with good causes like ministry, or volunteering that we have no time or energy left.

We need to watch for the foxes and catch them before they do too much damage. In order to have a great marriage, we must make intentional choices to put our spouse first. We need to come home early, to trust that the kids will be ok with a baby sitter, or simply say no to some commitments. Connecting takes time.

Put Into Action

  1. Sit down with your spouse and ask what  tries to get between the two of you.
  2. Come up with some solutions to catch the foxes before they ruin the vineyard.
  3. Do something that will show your spouse you are making them a priority.

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Let Me Hear Your Voice for Your Voice is Sweet

Song of Songs 2:14

My dove in the clefts of the rock,
in the hiding places on the mountainside,
show me your face,
let me hear your voice;
for your voice is sweet,
and your face is lovely.

Let me hear your voice, for your voice is sweet. 

Sometimes the tone of our voice can express more than the words that we say.

Last year I led a women’s bible study on marriage and one of the weeks was titled Godly Communication. During the class, I asked a couple of women to come up and simply ask the question, “Can you take out the trash?” I gave them cards to inspire the tone of their voice, such as disdain, disrespect, frustrated, belittling, neutral, and be my hero. The rest of the class was than asked to interpret their attitude. You would be amazed at how well they communicated their attitude, just through the tone of their voice!

We must search our attitude and our heart before we speak to our spouse, because whether you say it with words or not, they will hear your attitude. Your husband will hear if you think he is your hero, or if he already has failed you, when you ask for help. He will hear whether you respect him, or if you think that you know all the right answers. He will hear whether you look forward to being with him, or you are just checking another thing off of your to do list.

Is your voice sweet? Does your spouse look forward to what you have to say?

Put It Into Action

  1. Search your heart for bitterness, disrespect, or disdain for your husband. Pray about the source, what you can change about yourself, and practical ways to see your spouse in a different light.
  2. Record yourself speaking, or try to get outside of yourself to hear what your tone of voice sounds like. Do you speak to your spouse as nice as you would speak to a friend?
  3. Make your husband feel like  your hero when you ask for something.

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Faint with Love or Exhausted with Life

Song of Songs 2:4-5

Let him lead me to the banquet hall,
    and let his banner over me be love.
Strengthen me with raisins,
    refresh me with apples,
    for I am faint with love.

Are we Faint with Love or Exhausted with Life?

When I first met my husband, I remember the anticipation of his lips touching mine. I loved the sweetness of his taste and the weightlessness when he took me into his arms. I felt faint with love. 

But can I expect that his touch would continue to thrill me, or that his eyes could still make my heart pound? Isn’t marriage supposed to get comfortable and worn like a favorite pair of slippers? Certainly most marriages show little spark left, and feel happy to just get through the day.

A lot of people might disagree, but I think our spouse is supposed to thrill us for our entire life. Proverbs 5:18-19  says  May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer – may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.

Intimacy should not get boring. We are to be captivated always… So what happens?

Kids…jobs….computer….health issues….ministry….tv….. iphones…..financial worries…….LIFE

Everything Gets in the Way of Sex

I think that great sex is one of the ways that we escape LIFE together. If you can shut your brain off from thinking about the next load of laundry, and trust God to get your body going, then you can go somewhere with your husband that is so intimate and holy. Great sex makes memories between just the two of you. Great sex is looking into each others eyes and seeing into depths of their soul. Amazing sex looks like an endless journey of mapping each others bodies. Great sex keeps the spark alive even through the business of kids, job loss, working too many hours and disagreements. It makes a mediocre marriage good, and a good marriage great.

Put It Into Action

1. Spend some time with your spouse remembering your first date and your first kiss. For extra credit re enact your first date.

2. In honor of being strengthened with raisins and refreshed with apples, incorporate some food into your marriage bed… maybe whipped cream, strawberries, chocolate sauce… whatever works.

3. Flirt with your spouse from across the room with your eyes and see if you can catch their attention.

4. Go to bed EARLY!

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