My Husband Wants to Finish Where?

Where a husband wants to finish during oral or manual sex can stir up a land mine of emotions for wives. Some women love the passion of experiencing their husband in new ways.  Others hold fear, disgust, discomfort or reservation about opening up options. Navigating the topic of where your husband finishes requires care, sensitivity, open communication, honesty, and trust. Whether or not your husband has broached the topic, I have a few ideas that might provide clarity.

Motivation

Porn has done much to confuse us about the motivation of our husbands. Because we know that porn depicts men degrading women, we can suspect our husband wanting to do the same. Porn can make oral sex seem like an act of self-gratification instead of intimate love making. If our husband has seen porn, we wonder about his motivation. Does he long to connect and share himself or is he trying to recreate a scene from porn.

Even our spouse repeatedly sharing unrealistic expectations of what sex should look like can feel unloving and selfish. God never intended that we pressure each other into certain acts. Sex should be an expression of our love for each other and of sharing ourselves – not a guilt trip. Growth takes time and adding pressure does not help.

Motivation matters. God intended that we get to know each other though sex, not imitate what we have seen. But if we exclude everything we see in porn, we would have nothing left.

Understanding Motivation

Honest conversation can help shed light on motivation. Answers like, “If you loved me you would…”, carry manipulation. But what if your husband told you, “I feel so loved when you…”, or “I love to watch because it helps me stay connected to you”, or “knowing that you love all of my body, not only makes me feel loved, but gives me courage to be more vulnerable.”   Take time to ask for a deeper understanding and don’t just make assumptions about your husband’s motivation.

Ultimately, I believe that sex is about loving and respecting each other.  If something feels disrespectful or degrading, then don’t do it. Forcing yourself to do something you detest will only lead to more disconnection, bitterness, and ultimately teach you to hate sex.

But if your husband has pure motivations about where he wants to finish, then pray and consider the validity and vulnerability of sharing his desire with you. Share with him  your desire to grow, ask for patience in the journey and commit to small steps of growth.

Our Baggage

Though our husbands feel quite comfortable with every part of their bodies – including their semen – most wives are not. Many of us still view our own vulva and natural juices with disgust. So why wouldn’t we view our husband’s body through the same lens.

But God created your husband’s body. He created his penis, the wrinkled sack that holds his testicles, and even the semen that courses through his body. While we might think it strange when they strut their stuff, maybe husbands aren’t the ones that need to grow – we are.

How much shame do we still hold around the topic of sex when we grimace in disgust at the view of our own sexual part? If we want to experience God’s freedom during sex, maybe we need to first appreciate the amazing bodies that God gave us, and then learn to embrace our husband’s.

Take steps to embrace your own body, by looking at your vulva, or even tasting yourself.

Comfort

Sometimes resistance to certain acts simply comes from unfamiliarity. If you want to grow in comfort, then move at your own pace. You want to create positive experiences that will build to create more positive experiences. Take baby steps toward your goal and don’t move forward until you can relax and really enjoy what your are doing.

Much like learning to love a new food requires repeated exposures by seeing, smelling, feeling, and tasting, learning to love oral sex may require the same. Forcing a child to eat can repel them to the point of gagging. But consistent playful, low pressure exposures to many different foods can lead to not only a large repertoire of foods, but to confidence in trying new things.

So for example,  he wants to finish in your mouth, some baby steps might be…

  • Learn to enjoy just looking at and touching his penis
  • Spend time just licking  and exploring his penis with your mouth
  • Learn to enjoy giving him oral sex without him finishing. I mean really enjoy it – not just do it. There are lots of things to learn about him, but also be aware of how you feel. Are you getting tense, is your jaw tired, do you feel resentful? Are you worried about whether he is enjoying it? Do you have the freedom to show him new experiences? Does it get you excited?
  • Get comfortable with his semen. Finish him with your hand. Feel the warmth. Does it gross you out or repel you? Notice the warmth, the texture, how it smells. Gently clean him up with a tissue or towel afterwards.
  • Taste his semen after he finishes on your hand. Just a small lick without having to swallow. How is it? Try this as many times as you want.
  • Some women then move to letting him finish in their mouth without swallowing. Others learn that placement of his penis towards the back of the mouth can ease swallowing. Some just easily transition to loving swallowing.

But keep this in mind… If you want to learn something new, then you need to practice on a regular basis – not once a month as a special gift. When you want it for yourself, then you will commit the time. What a thrill when you get to the place where you love it as much as he does and his excitement builds your excitement.

Trust

In order to build trust in how your husband will finish, you most likely will need to have conversations outside of the bedroom. Although it might not feel very romantic, knowing that your husband will respect your wishes builds trust. You need to know that he can control himself for your sake and that he cares more about you than a certain act.

A respectful husband will follow your lead and wait for your invitation. But be prepared, how you feel about something might change in the heat of the moment. Passion tends to invite unfiltered expressions that fuel more excitement. If you want your respectful husband to enter into that domain, you will need to invite him in.

Passion

Planning doesn’t build a lot of passion, and neither does your husband constantly having to follow your lead. Once you’re comfortable with different acts and established trust, you may decide to set your husband loose. To tell him, “I trust you implicitly during sex and I know without a doubt that you would never try to degrade me, or hurt me. I want you to have the freedom to do what you want. Your excitement fuels my excitement.”

After constantly monitoring your comfort level, it might take time for your husband to believe that you want to set him free during sex, and he might not even remember how. If he spent years denying himself in consideration of you, learning how to listen to his body will take practice. Be patient and encouraging as both of you continue on a journey of the deepest kind of knowing.

Final Thought

Handing over the reins to let your husband finish where he wants is a journey of growth. It requires deep trust, confidence and vulnerability. But handing over the reins is a necessary step in creating the passionate marriage you want.

After all, watching our spouse get overcome by desire is one of the most intimate things they share. When watching our spouse let go, builds our own excitement, then we understand the verse 1 Cor 7:4, The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.

Denying themselves is yielding to their wife, but so is letting go, when it undoes us.

The Purity Culture – How to Move Beyond the Fallout

Recently the news has been filled with fallout from the short comings of the purity movement. Many wives in Awaken Love classes relate to the challenge of embracing sex when the only message they heard was, “Don’t do it!” Other women just gave up trying to be pure. Once lines were crossed – whether it was their choice or not – they figured they were already ruined, so why try. And I’ve met plenty of brides that felt confused and angry when sex didn’t feel amazing, even though they followed all the rules. But pointing out the failings of the purity culture only casts blame. How do we move beyond the purity culture, not only for ourselves but for future generations?

Healing for You

If you grew up during the purity movement, you may have related to one of the examples of fallout. Regardless, we all have believed lies about sex and we all have sexual brokenness. Don’t put off working on your marriage bed until years of resentment build. Make it all that God intended by taking an Awaken Love class, joining a Passion Pursuit study, reading my book Awaken Love, or meeting with a counselor. Regardless of where you have been or what you have been through, go after healing. We cannot change the past, but we can take responsibility for pursuing our own healing today.

Moving Forward in The Church

The main message of the purity movement, waiting to have sex until marriage, was not wrong. God created sex as a way to unite marriages and to create a deep intimacy. Connecting intimately during sex also helps us understand deep intimacy with Christ.

Saving sex for marriage shows trust in God’s goodness and spares us natural consequences. God is not stingy. He wants to protect us from broken hearts, comparisons of past experiences, or creating a habit of disconnection during sex. But when we only hear, “Don’t do it”, we haven’t received the full picture of sex. We need to know what we are saving ourselves for.

God created sex for marriage and it is definitely something to look forward to. Though it will take hard work in marriage to create a mutually satisfying sex life, God creates intimacy through the struggle. Song of Songs shows us the passion and intimacy God intends for marriage. Sex is something worth waiting for.

Single people also need to understand that crossing boundaries does not ruin them for life, like that flower that lost all of its petals. God is a God that forgives and redeems. When we repent, we can start fresh as we learn to live in a way that honors Him with sexual integrity. The church can’t be afraid to share with others what they’ve learned from their mistakes. Let’s equip others to make good choice for themselves. Let’s move beyond simple messages for “Don’t do it” or simplistic answers that convey fear and shame about sex.

Changing the Culture of Sex in the Church

It’s easy to complain about the faults of the purity movement, or throw up our arms because nothing ever changes in church. But I am here to encourage you and say that things can change. I’ve witnessed it.

Start at Home

The truth is that conversations in the home about sex have more of an impact than any youth group message, or sermon. When you grow up knowing that your parents enjoy sex and they aren’t afraid to talk with you about it, you end up with a healthy respect and attitude for sex. As parents, we cannot let message from culture, or porn, or even church, trump the influence that we have with our kids. If you don’t know where to start check out Tips for Conversations, What Do You Want to Communicate, and Creating New Messages for Teens. Work through your baggage around sex, embrace the freedom God intended for you, and start talking to your kids about what they are waiting for and why.

Churches

More and more churches address the topic of sex in a positive way. Recently a local church contacted me because they were doing a sermon series on sex.  They not only hosted an Awaken Love class, but the pastors facilitated the Men’s Edition class for the husbands. As a culmination to the series they invited me and 2 others from outside of the congregation to answer sex questions during church. Not only did we talk about sex, we talked about masturbation. This church normalized the conversation of sex and created a safe place to find answers. The silence and shame surrounding sex was replaced with God’s truth – and it came from the top down.

I’ve seen other churches open up the topic of sex when one individual stepped up. I’ve had lots of ladies seek approval to host Awaken Love video classes at their church. Sometimes the leaders are happy to help and offer a room, office help or even marketing. Other times leaders aren’t ready and the women end up hosting classes in their house.

Either way the transformation ripples out to create conversations about sex with spouses, kids, and in the church body. You do not have to wait for your church leadership to tackle the topic of sex. You can start by inviting a few friends from church in your corner of the world.

Final Thoughts

The purity movement missed the mark for many people. Thirty years later,  during the age of internet and porn, we cannot expect simple answers or formulas to work when we talk about navigating singleness. We must go after healing and embrace God’s gift of sex for ourselves first. Then when we talk to our kids, we become the source of Godly truth and real answers.

Help married couples understand the importance of sex and the freedom God offers. Create a safe place for singles to ask questions, understand natural consequences, and begin a journey of sexual integrity. Open up the conversation about sex in your church and see the impact ripple. Move beyond the purity culture and take sex back from the world.

Becoming a Sexually Confident Spouse

What does it take to create an amazing sex life?

It takes two sexually confident people, showing up and sharing themselves. Though you can’t change your spouse, you can work on yourself. We all have plenty  to work on, so here are 8 Characteristics  of a Sexually Confident Spouse.

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Restore Vulvar Skin with Julva

Navigating the changes of menopause comes with extra challenges if you love to have sex on a regular basis. When already sensitive skin loses its suppleness because of a lack of estrogen, it doesn’t take much for what used to be pleasurable to turn painful in a hurry. One of the products that I became curious about in restoring vulvar health was Julva, a cream created by OB/GYN Dr. Anna Cabeca. After finally tiring Julva myself for 2 months, I am eager to share about my experience.

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The Basics of Vulvar Skin Care

I have always had sensitive skin that required special care – especially my vulva. With a tendency toward yeast infections, an auto immune skin disease called Lichen Sclerosus, and the challenges of menopause, I finally made an appointment to see a Vulvar pain specialist. I found an amazing doctor who immediately put me at ease by asking questions and listening to my story.  What surprised me most was the importance she placed on the basics of vulvar skin care.  Many of her tips confirmed practices I had already put in place, but these important guidelines might be helpful for you too.

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Support for Sexually Betrayed Wives

After teaching Awaken Love to hundreds of women, I am painfully aware of the lack of resources for women that have been sexually betrayed. Many churches offer resources to help men who struggle with porn, but few offer resources for the wife. While the husband feels the relief of finally coming clean with an accountability groups, the wife suffers in silence with no one to share her own fears and grief.

Wives that have been sexually betrayed did not cause or choose this path. But the betrayal impacts them in profound ways.  Regardless of whether her marriage survives or not, or her husband achieves sobriety and recovery, the wife needs healing from the wounds of betrayal.

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A Resilient Sex Life That Will Last

Though we might not realize it, all of us will eventually face things that threaten our sex life. Sometimes the challenge lasts for a short season, like the lack of privacy when living with your in-laws during a housing transition. Other times the challenge lasts for a season like when you feel exhausted raising kids. And sometimes, the challenge might never end. Receiving treatment for prostate cancer may forever alter the way a husband’s body responds. Most of us wait to work on something until we have a problem.  But If you want to enjoy sex for a lifetime, choose today to create a resilient sex life that can handle the challenges of tomorrow.

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Husbands – Do You Want a Better Sex Life?

Many husbands are under the perception that if their wife just fixed her issues with sex, their problems would disappear. But marriage is a two-way street. Both husbands and wives have things to learn in order to create intimacy. If you want a better sex life,  will you invest just $10 to take Awaken Love Men’s Edition and learn how to love your wife better? Discover just how intimate your marriage can be!!

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Take Care of Yourself First

In June, after a busy year of publishing my book, recording the Men’s Edition, teaching classes and speaking to many groups, I knew that it was imperative for me to purposefully spend time restoring my soul. I needed to take a break from ministry and take care of myself.  So, I sat down and made a list of what it meant to take care of myself for the summer. As I dive back into ministry, I thought I would give you a little glimpse of what it means to take care of myself, and encourage you to do the same.

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Why Do Women Host an Awaken Love Video Class

Rarely do women sign up to host an Awaken Love video class by finding my website. Without a personal recommendation from a trusted friend, they can’t imagine taking the chance.  Much safer to just stay with the status quo, or work on things quietly by reading blogs or listening to podcasts. But every once in a while, someone from the website has the courage to host a video class.

Recently I received this powerful testimony…

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