How Can a Husband Help His Wife Orgasm?

Some women lose interest in sex when it seems like their husband has all the fun. Watching a husband collapse in pleasure night after night, while rarely or never responding can feel discouraging and disheartening. And it can be enough to make a woman avoid sex. If you want your wife to enjoy sex than you need to do what you can to help your wife orgasm on a consistent basis.

Imagine what it would feel like if your wife took you out to this amazing restaurant.

After starting with a delicious salad, your server brings a tray with 2 entrees. As your mouth begins to water, your server sets a lean piece of chicken in front of you, and a fat juicy steak in front of your wife. Trying to stay thankful, you enjoy your chicken, while silently wishing you could sink your teeth into your wife’s steak. After convincing yourself the meal was really nice, the server brings your wife the most decadent chocolate cake you ever laid eyes on. As your wife’s eyes roll back in her head and she oohs and aahs at just how good the cake tastes, you wonder if she even notices how much you want a bite. Determined to remain thankful, you graciously watch, while feeling completely left out. Maybe next time…. Or maybe it would just be easier not to go on another dinner date.

Making a Difference

Though a husband cannot make his wife orgasm, he can make orgasm more likely.  If he wants her to enjoy sex, then he will pay attention to her natural wiring to set her up for success. Details that don’t matter to him will become important. He will happily learn new techniques, ways to hold her, and ask for input. Rather than just focusing on mechanics, he will slow down, learn to connect with his senses and even start using words to create arousal and excitement. A husband whose wife has never experienced orgasm will have the courage to educate himself, communicate his desire and commitment to help, and provide a relaxed environment to discover new things. Rather than assuming women don’t care or aren’t able to orgasm on a regular basis, a loving husband can learn to love his wife in a way to increase her odds.

Paying Attention to Her Basic Needs

If you want your wife to believe you care about her enjoyment as much as yours, then you pay attention to the small details that matter to her. Most wives need to feel safe before they can enjoy sex. She needs to trust that you value her sensitive body and will love her by paying attention to hygiene. Freshly showered, smooth shaven, manicured hands, whatever she asks for. Respecting her individual needs shows that you care. Ensuring privacy by installing locks on the bedroom doors, adding white noise machines or whatever else, shows that you want her to enjoy sex too.

Plan Time

Even small things communicate that your wife’s orgasm is as important as your own. If you always initiate when she is dead tired, or when you only have a few minutes, you tell her “this is for me.” You may need 2 minutes, but she needs 20. Plan ahead and initiate sex when you have the time and energy to make sex a mutual experience.

Connect Emotionally

Most wives respond easier when they feel emotionally connected to their husband. Turn off the screens and spend time with her. Take her for a walk and hold her hand. Ask about her day or how you can help around the house. Look in her eyes and tell her how beautiful she looks. Take her out on a date and reminisce about the first time you met. Arrange for a baby sitter so you can spend time alone. While separated on business trips, text to flirt or write her a love letter. Do these things, not just when you want sex, but because you want to love her well.  If you want your wife to enjoy orgasm during sex, then set her up for success by filling her love tank.


Many wives dream about their husband sweeping them off their feet. Showing up in bed to nudge her and say, “you wanta?”  just doesn’t do it. She wants to know that you think about her and desire her. Tease her during the day, create anticipation, warm up the room or light some candles to set the mood. Plan a hot date and pick out her clothes for her. Take her against the wall once in a while. Don’t tip toe around and just hint at sex, go for it. If she rejects sex, don’t assume she has rejected you. Don’t take it personally, and don’t pout.  Love her right where she is at, and she will learn to trust you.

Final Thoughts

If you ignore the basic needs of your wife, chances are she won’t orgasm on a regular basis. You essentially tell her that sex is for you, and she can just watch. Communicate that you care about her orgasm by your actions. Build trust by ensuring privacy and asking for ways to make her feel safe. Constantly fill her love tank regardless of whether you have sex. Initiate like you want her and don’t pout if she says no. Loving your wife in a way that communicates you care about her enjoyment is no small order. Learning to love as Christ does, can only happen when you understand Christ’s love for you.

Watch for future posts about – Some specific ideas on what to do if your wife only orgasms once in a while, or What if your wife has never had an orgasm.


Kegel Exercises – Here I Come

I have decided it is time to get serious about doing Kegel exercises. After reading about a study that showed a direct correlation between Kegel strength and orgasm during intercourse for women, I am ready to stop messing around and start focusing. Especially as I age, I want to do all that I can to experience the pleasure God has for me.

For several years my husband has been faithfully doing his Kegel’s and the results have been amazing. His flow during urination has improved and he longer has to urinate in the middle of the night. Awareness and control of the Kegel muscles has helped him to relax and enjoy sex more. He no longer worries about lasting long enough and he even enjoys multiple orgasms. Pleasure during sex has changed to include a range of experiences. My husband takes his Kegel exercises seriously.

I notice him in the shower or while he’s brushing his teeth. The other day I asked him how many he does and he said, “100 while I wake up, 100 while brushing my teeth, 600 driving to work, 600 driving home, 100 in the shower, and 100 while brushing my teeth before bed”. To tell you the truth, my jaw just kind of dropped. I had no idea how many. But Kegel exercises do not take any extra time from his day. He’s seen what Kegel’s have done for his urinary tract health and for his sex life and now I want to see what they can do for mine.

Scientific Studies

Recently I read The G-Spot by Ladas, Whipple and Perry and it enlightened me to the sexuality studies from the late 70’s validating the range of experiences women enjoy. A major section of the book focuses on the importance of Kegel muscles, not only to women’s health and urinary control but to their sexual response.

In 1979 Benjamin Graber and Georgia Kline, a couple of sex therapists, collected data from 281 patients. They sorted them into three groups – those that could not orgasm, those that could orgasm only during clitoral stimulation, and those that could orgasm during intercourse or clitoral stimulation.  Measuring the strength of the women’s Kegel muscles using a perineometer confirmed what the therapists already suspected. Women who did not experience orgasm had the weakest muscles with an average reading of 7. While those that experienced orgasm during intercourse had the strongest muscles  with an average of 17. The women that could experience clitoral orgasm landed in the middle with an average reading of 12. If I want the greatest chance of enjoying the full range of sexual experiences, then I need to have strong Kegel muscles.


In our immediate gratification society, many of us have a hard time waiting. We would rather take a pill or get an operation than commit to physical therapy for weeks or even months. We want to see immediate results or we begin to doubt the plan will work and eventually give up.

Strengthening my Kegel muscles will take time and consistency. I don’t have the reminder of a pulled muscle that needs rehabilitation, or the cost of medical bills to motivate me. Improvement may feel negligible and I might not notice changes for months. Unless I have a plan and commit, chances are slim Kegel exercises will become a regular part of my day. My exercise time will be in the shower, while I brush my teeth, at the microwave and in the car. At least 3 times a day, 100 reps  to start out, and increasing weekly.


Ladies, if you want to join me, Kegel exercises are super easy, but it is important to insure you are working the correct muscles. While going to the bathroom, stop the stream of urine mid-flow. That, is the muscle to contract– not your abs, and not your butt. (Don’t Kegel during urination on a regular basis or you may cause a bladder infection). Another way to ensure you contract the correct muscle is to lay on your back, slip a finger inside your vagina and do some Kegel reps. You should be able to feel your vagina contract around your finger, but you should also be able to feel your vagina relax around your finger.

Kegel exercises aren’t just about strengthening the muscles but about having conscious control over the muscles. The relax part of the rep is as important as the contract part. To enjoy the full range of experience during sex, then you need the full function of the muscles. If the muscles are weak then they can’t function and lose their sensitivity. If the muscles are in constant contraction then they don’t move freely and you again lose sensitivity. The relaxation of the muscle is as important as the contraction. One woman in class shared visualizing a string that pulls your Kegel’s up towards your tummy  when you contract. And an opposite string that pulls toward your toes to relax. Again, periodically exercise with a finger in your vagina to check full contraction and full relaxation.

Are you ready to get serious about making Kegel exercises a part of your life? What is your plan?

4 Reasons the Lower Drive Spouse Might Lose Interest In Sex

Why is that when couples differ in drive, we assume the lower drive spouse has the issue? We think the one with the lower drive needs to change, get a new mindset, or understand how important sex is for their spouse.

Maybe it’s not that the lower drive spouse dislikes sex, but that they dislike the sex they are having.

Maybe the higher drive spouse needs to learn to have sex in a way that the lower drive spouse would deem worth having.

Many couples spend years having sex that one spouse doesn’t find particularly exciting or connecting.  Afraid to bring up the uncomfortable topic of sex, they hang onto the status quo. They simply turn out the lights, tune out each other, and go through the motions. Over time, the spouse less driven by hormones become less and less interested in sex.

Without a mutual attitude of both wanting to discover new things, and vulnerably sharing, sex quickly gets reduced to creating a physical release. Sex can become predictable, routine, boring, and at some deep level, painful. If we do not have the courage to share our desires, or to create what we want during sex, we either escape into our own world of fantasy or lull ourselves into numbness. Somehow, we intuitively know that God created us for deeper connection with our spouse. As we go through the motions, without the confidence or tools for change, we just feel stuck. Eventually we would rather not have sex, than have the sex we are having.

Lack of Orgasm

One of the most obvious, blaring reasons women don’t deem sex worth having is because they don’t orgasm on a regular basis. They might brush orgasm off as unimportant or say they just prefer to cuddle, but imagine watching your spouse experience an out of this world experience night after night. Meanwhile, you are left feeling broken, angry and sad. Why would you want to have sex? Mutual satisfaction during sex must always be the goal. If your wife does not orgasm on a regular basis, you must clearly communicate your desire for her pleasure, educate yourself, and commit to whatever you can do to help make orgasm a reality for her.

No Connection

Another reason women don’t feel interested in sex is the lack of connection experienced during love making.  For these women, sex often feels mechanical and lonely.  A husband trying hard to please his wife can feel far away as he frantically strives to perform.Rather than leaning into connection, men do things like “think about Grandma” as a method to delay ejaculation. When lovemaking boils down to getting from point A to point B, we miss out on the joys of discovery.  We might both orgasm, but if we aren’t even aware of our spouse, what is the point?

Pressure Cooker

Some people might avoid sex because the marriage bed just feels like one more place to fail. Rather than a safe to place to grow and discover things about each other, sex has become a pressure cooker. Instead of both husband and wife taking ownership for themselves, one person gets the brunt of the responsibility. A husband gets blamed because he didn’t last long enough, touch her the right, say the right thing or romance her enough. Or a wife didn’t make her husband feel like the best lover in the world because she didn’t react like the movies. Pressure can ruin sex and make you feel like a total failure.  Why show up when you don’t have a chance?

No Creativity

The last reason we might feel disinterested during sex is because it just seems boring. Some of us have limited what we can explore in the marriage bed out of guilt, shame or even purity messages. Others just feel afraid to share the God given creativity that excites them. We haven’t established enough trust, communication, or courage to share our ideas. And some of us have just gotten lazy and settled into a rut. Rather than having fun we settle for vanilla sex that bores us to death.

Final Thoughts

Both spouses have a role in creating a mutually enjoyable sex life, but we can only work on ourselves. Rather than giving up or blaming our spouse, we can take a hard look at ourselves, and decide what we can do, regardless of our spouse to create a sex life that both of us will look forward to. Making changes will require courage, communication, compassion and an understanding of who God created you to be. Join me for the next 4 Mondays as we talk in more detail about how to create a sex life that your spouse would deem worth having.

Beth – The Latest Addition to Awaken-Love Teachers

Meet Beth, the most recent addition to the Awaken-Love teaching team. Beth will teach in Plymouth Minnesota at her church Wayzata Free.

I first heard Beth’s name several years ago when a student in class mentioned that her counselor had suggested she take an Awaken-Love class. Unbeknownst to me Beth was a huge fan of Awaken-Love and already spreading the word to women that needed help.

About a year later I got an email from Beth saying that she had been following my blog and so appreciated my stance on sexuality in marriage. Her words were kind, affirming and quite honestly, humbling. Here was this pastoral counselor thinking that I had something of value to say about marriage and sex.

A Lifeline

About a year later, Beth signed up for a class at just right the time. That winter I struggled with depression like I never had before and Beth became part of my lifeline. She tenderly created a safe place to grieve the loss of a ministry partner. Our times were steeped in prayer and asking God for answers.

In order to better understand my strengths and weaknesses Beth suggested I take some personality assessments. When she viewed the results, she immediately understood how hard ministry has been. Everything that I do –  teaching, speaking, writing, and stepping into emotional situations – does not come naturally for me. God called me to a ministry that requires dependence on Him instead of relying on my own abilities.

Beth also helped me to, shall we say, “Get my house in order.” I had started letting my emotions rule my life. The Holy Spirit needed to guide my spirit, my spirit to guide my emotions, and my emotions to guide my body. God gave me emotions to help me understand life, but they aren’t always an accurate guide, unless they are under the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Beth was such a gift from God during that very hard time in my life.

Beth will make an amazing Awaken-Love teacher.

She has a powerful story of God’s redemption in her own marriage that has encouraged countless couples. Her sweet, gentle spirit constantly asks for wisdom and answers from the Father. Beth understands the importance of staying connected with her husband and continues to strive towards more freedom in her own marriage bed. But most importantly, I have met few women with as intimate a relationship with Jesus as Beth.

I am excited to watch God work through Beth as she joins the team of Awaken-Love teachers bringing God’s truth to women about sex.

How to Give Your Husband a Frenulum Orgasm

Ladies, to help you appreciate the attention your husband lavishes on your clitoris, try treating him to a frenulum orgasm. It is an orgasm that results from only stimulating the small area where the underside of his shaft meets the head of his penis. A frenulum orgasm will take patience, assurances from you and sensitivity to read his body. Rather than firm gripping him to the finish line you will need to use finesse and creativity to gradually coax him to pleasure. Not only will a frenulum orgasm blow his mind, but you will gain a new appreciation for the energy your husband invests in you during clitoral orgasms.

How To

Similar to a clitoral stimulation, frenulum stimulation focuses on a very small sensitive area. Once his penis is erect, rather that grasping his shaft, stimulate the frenulum with no opposing force. You can either let his penis rest against his abdomen or hold just around the base. Use coconut oil or lubrication to protect his sensitive skin. Stimulate the frenulum using your fingers, thumb, tongue, or lips. You can visit other terrain but ultimately you want to end up at his frenulum.

Just like clitoral orgasms sometimes require patience, frenulum orgasms require patience. You cannot rush them, or force them.  While he remains relaxed, you tune into his body and lean into the pleasure you can create.


You may have to verbally assure him throughout the encounter, “It’s okay.” “Just relax, we have all the time in the world.” “Don’t’ worry, I’ve got you.” Giving up the ability to drive to the finish line may feel very foreign and uncomfortable to him. He will have to calm himself mentally, take deep breaths and relax.

Giving him a frenulum orgasm requires a lot more focus than handling his entire penis. You will have a small territory to read, and to feel and you will have to cue into other subtle signals. Pay attention to his testicles, his breathing, and the frenulum straining for more touch. Don’t be afraid to seek greater connection as arousal increases by increasing pressure, or using intense connected stroking. If you start to feel stuck, then back off and change things up before trying to ramp back up.


Giving him an orgasm from stimulating his frenulum will challenge your creativity. Rather than just bread and butter massaging, spend time discovering small delights. Gently flick your tongue across the area, stoke sideways, up and down or circles with the pad of your thumb. Mouth him with your lips or stroke him with your tongue. As he ramps up keeps your lips attached and French kiss his frenulum. Stay with something long enough to let his body find a rhythm but not so long that he loses interest. You must somehow communicate a direction to what you create. Just like individual music notes of a song mean nothing by themselves, individual strokes mean nothing. Music contains repeated melodies and rhythms that rise and fall and eventually take us to the finale. Make music with your stimulation.

The Finish

As you sense him getting close to an orgasm, do your best to stay completely melded to his frenulum. As he orgasms gently continue slow rhythmic movement to prolong his orgasm but don’t lose contact. The moment you lose contact during orgasm, his ultra-sensitive frenulum will bristle to your touch. When his contractions eventually cease, climb up on him and cover his body. Kiss him, whisper in his ear, squeeze the last drop of tension from his body, and thank him for all the attention he has lavished on your clitoris over the years.

For another perspective on frenulum orgasm read Frenulum Orgasm – A New Delight for Him

Straight Talk on Female Ejaculation

A woman from class shared that a friend confided recent episodes of urinary incontinence during sex. Even though bladder control wasn’t an issue at other times, she was concerned enough to make an appointment at the doctor. I immediately suspected the real source of the fluid as Female Ejaculation. Just like this woman, few of us understand our bodies and the responses it is capable of during sex.


In 1982 Dr. Whipple brought female ejaculation into the limelight after scientists had denied its existence for years. While using bio feedback to analyze the effectiveness of Kegel exercises to prevent urinary stress incontinence, she discovered a group of women that already had strong Kegel muscles. In questioning these women, they explained that they only struggled with urinary incontinence during sex, specifically during stimulation of the front wall of their vagina. She then analyzed the fluid expelled and found the make-up statistically different than urine and named it female ejaculation.  Whipple realized she had stumbled upon a response written about by Dr. Grafenberg in the 1950’s, but that many scientists had rejected. She named the sensitive area in the front wall of the vagina after Grafenberg, (shortened to the G-Spot), and spent her life educating women about their bodies with books like The G-Spot.


Even today, many people continue to debate the existence of the G-Spot or female ejaculation. Scientists cannot dissect and hold up the G-Spot to prove its existence because it consists of a collection of tissue, rather than a distinct organ. And they have not been able to conclusively determine the source of female ejaculate and they may never. But regardless of scientific studies, I choose to believe my own body. I listen to the many women in class that profess, “yes, there is a g-spot” and “yes, female ejaculation is a real thing”. I  choose to enjoy whatever experiences God gives me.

The first year of class as I taught about our bodies, one of the women suddenly had a light bulb go on when I explained female ejaculation. Early in their marriage during a thoroughly enjoyable encounter with her husband, she was mortified when she urinated during sex. Ever since, she hadn’t allowed herself to fully relax for fear of losing control again. Her ignorance had robbed her of experiencing freedom with her husband.

While we must understand what our bodies are capable of, we do not need to add expectations or performance anxiety during sex. As normally happens, the world takes good things and distorts them. Pornography now portrays female ejaculation as women squirting across the room during sex. So much so, that men now ask women “why don’t you squirt?”.  We need to understand our body without adding extra pressure or expectations.

So what is female ejaculation?

During extended periods of arousal, scientist believe the para urethral gland that surrounds the urethra sweats small amounts of fluid into the urethra. Often this happens during stimulation of the G-spot but not always. Though not an orgasm, women describe female ejaculation as a pleasurable release that happens before, during or after orgasm. The fluid expelled through the urethra tastes sweet, and doesn’t stain the bad. Some women ejaculate a slight amount and while others require towels or mattress pads for easy clean up.

I don’t know that all women can ejaculate or even that we ought to make it a goal. But I think we need to have freedom to really enjoy ourselves. To  let go, stop worrying and to just enjoy. Go to the bathroom before sex and then just relax and trust your body. If you are worried about somehow losing control, you might be missing out on a gift from God.

Don’t Wait Until a Marriage is in Crisis

” I’m learning so much and hope to be able to use what I’ve learned one day. I will pass the information on to my daughters to hopefully prevent them from making the same mistakes I have made. Thank you so very much for your class. I wish I had found it earlier in my marriage, or even a couple of years ago. We would be in a different place I am sure.” former student

Women in Crisis

Sometimes women whose marriage is in crisis sign up for an Awaken-Love class on the advice of their marriage counselor. Years of neglect and damage lead them to a desperate attempt to salvage their marriage. With nothing left to lose, they sit through six weeks of discovering God’s desire for their marriage bed. All the while wishing they had known the truth earlier or done something sooner.

My heart breaks as these women silently sit through class with tears streaming down their faces. Husbands that have thrown in the towel refuse their advances to practice what they’ve learned in class. They quietly listen to the enthusiasm of the other women discovering freedom in the marriage bed. All they can do is hang onto faith that God can save their marriage and continue to work on themselves.

These broken wives are met with grace and unconditional love from the other women in the class. They are given room to cry and feel discouraged and then gently pointed back to a Father that knows them and loves them. A God that is big enough to handle any situation. Women listen to their stories, hug them, pray over them and plead with God for breakthroughs in their marriages.

Urgency for Change

When women in crisis come to class, I am grieved and reminded of the urgency of making Awaken-Love available to more women. So many wives have bought into the lie that sex is just for their husband. When they hear about God’s design for sex they feel bewildered at why they have never heard this message before. Some of them don’t understand anything about their own bodies or how to create intimacy with their husbands through sex. When they learn about the freedom God gives us in marriage, they feel stunned as taboos become possibilities. Suddenly they realize what a powerful impact sex could have on their marriages.

Most women have a warped understanding of sex. For some, purity messages caused them to limit what they enjoy during sex. For others, culture taught them that their husband only cares about a sexual release. Some women survived years in the hook-up culture to struggle to intimately connect during sex when they finally met Mr. Right. Most of us somehow feel that sex is just something that we do for our husband, not for ourselves. Women need help finding good, biblical answers about sex.

Talking About Sex

We cannot wait for our pastors to take the lead in talking about the intricacies of creating an amazing sex life in marriage. We have to figure sex out for our own marriage, but also for our kids and for our friends. I love it when women from class tell me about all the amazing conversations they are having about sex with their husband, kids, co-workers and friends.

The first step to fighting wrong messages about sex is for us to start speaking the truth about sex. We need to share God’s truth about how He designed sex to make us into one, to get to know each other, and even to find refreshment with each other. Women need to hear about the freedom God gave us in marriage. Women must understand how their bodies work so that they can create a mutually enjoyable sex life. We battle wrong messages about sex with knowledge and truth.

Regardless of whether you think you have mastered sex, or recently started on the journey, God can use you. If you don’t know where to start then host an Awaken-Love video class and invite a few friends to join you. Spend 6 weeks learning God’s truth using the videos to provide all the teaching. Create a safe place for women to process, to share and to receive healing. See your marriage transformed as you embrace God’s gift of sex.

Don’t wait until you wished you’d done something sooner. Some day your friends might thank you.