Celebrate 7 Years of Awaken Love Ministry

Seven years ago, I started teaching Awaken Love. 8 dear friends came to my back porch to let me share my story of awakening to the power and importance of sex in marriage. 800 women later, I am still amazed at the transformation that happens in class. Another 700 women have been able to attend classes using videos. I am so encouraged by the women hosting video classes and sharing about Awaken Love.

This Year was a Whirl Wind

  • Finished writing, editing, formatting and designing my first book Awaken Love
  • Filmed, edited and launched a video for Engaged Couples
  • Filmed edited and launched the 6-week Men’s Edition videos and curriculum for husbands
  • Revamped Website to accommodate videos For Wives, Engaged Couples and Men’s Edition
  • Set Up regular posting on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest
  • Launched and sold over 1300 copies of my book Awaken Love in 8 months
  • Talked to girls in Kenya about sex
  • Over 20 Engagements Speaking About Sex to women’s and couples groups
  • Spoke to high school teens about sex for the first time

I am humbled that God is using me, encouraged by all that He is doing, and impatient for Him to do more. Many men and women still need to experience healing and freedom in their sexuality. Churches must learn to open up conversations about sex and create a safe place to bring brokenness to the light. Parents, grandparents and mentors must learn how to talk to kids about sex to change things for the next generation. I feel urgency, and hope you feel it too. But to be honest, I am also tired.

Rest in Him

Matt 11:28-30 says, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let met teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

Though God has burdened my heart for speaking His truth about sex, I must resist trying to do things on my own. If God wants doors to open, then I trust that He will open them. When I teach classes and hear stories of brokenness, I have to hand them over to God. They are not mine to try to fix or to carry. Rather than striving on my own, I must continually give Awaken Love back to God. The burden He gives me is light and I must rest in Him.

Praise God with me as we celebrate the anniversary of Awaken Love.

He is good and He is faithful.

Balance of Independence and Dependence During Sex

A woman who could easily orgasm shared her frustration about her husband’s lack of interest in sex. Many reasons exist for a lack of interest, but her utter confidence in her own satisfaction, made me wonder if that had impacted her husband’s drive. Maybe he didn’t really feel needed, and don’t we all want to feel needed. Great sex requires a balance of independence during sex, and dependence on each other. Just like our relationship with God.

Even though God wants us to depend on Him, we also must do our part. We don’t just pray about getting healthy. We must choose to eat healthy food and exercise. Rather than just expecting God to heal us from past experiences, we go through a process of talking about it, choosing to forgive, and steps of faith. Yes, we need God, but we must take a step. Like the paralyzed man that Jesus asked, “Do you want to get well? Then get up, pick up your mat and walk”. Jesus did not stand him up. The man had to believe and stand up. During sex, we also need  both independence and dependence.

Independence

To enjoy sex, we need to understand how our bodies work and what feels good. Communicating requires that we love ourselves enough to know that our desires matter. When we can settle our insecurities than we can confidently initiate and express ourselves. Gaining freedom from performance pressure allows us to connect during sex, rather than worry. In order to have great sex, two confident healthy people need to show up.

Dependence

But dependence on each other during sex creates the real memories. When a husband slays his wife, he feels like he could conquer the world. When a wife leaves her husband in a state of incoherence, she marvels at herself. Joy comes from the pleasure we give to each other.

Opening yourself up to enjoy what another offers, requires great trust. To surrender and let go of control during sex you must know that they love you as much as they love themselves. When you do, you experience something you could never experience on your own – oneness.

Final Thoughts

What if your spouse didn’t ever really need you during sex? They could just take care of themselves and happily rely on themselves. Don’t we want to be needed somehow.

What if your spouse constantly depended on you during sex? If you didn’t touch them just right, say all the right things, and create magic then you were to blame. Imagine the pressure.

Neither plan works very well. Great sex happens when two confident, independent people show up and share themselves. Great sex happens when your spouse can do magical things to you that you never dreamed of in a million years. Great sex requires a balance of independence and dependence.

Men’s Edition – A Great Resource to Improve Your Sex Life

Finally, a great place for husbands to get good information about sex.

Men’s Edition, an amazing resource to help Christian husbands create the intimate sex life they desire.

6 videos packed with insight that Ruth has gained from teaching hundreds of wives about sex. Ruth and her husband Jim will help you understand God’s design for sex, the challenges your wife faces in embracing freedom, the complexities of her body, and how to create more intimacy during sex. Though the videos can be viewed by yourself, we encourage you to find a group of guys to join you on this journey. One of the best ways to improve your sex life is to learn to talk about it.

Less than an hour long each, the videos provide discussion questions to help you process what you learn. If we want to take sex back from the world, then we must start talking about it. Taking the class with other husbands will also provide encouragement and accountability as you challenge each other to move beyond the status quo and try something new.

Men’s Edition is a great follow up after your wife has completed Awaken Love, but you don’t have to wait. The classes can be taken parallel, with men and women meeting in different rooms. Or wives and husbands could alternate weeks, with the wives meeting first. The parallel curriculum will create a common language and encourage communication as husband and wife process what they learn.

Even if your wife has never taken Awaken Love or never will, Men’s Edition will help you understand God’s design, your wife’s challenges, and provide respectful information about sex. Men’s Edition will challenge you to work on yourself, create more intimacy during sex and love your wife right where she is. Though you cannot change your wife, you can work on yourself.

The Topics for the 6 Videos Include:

  • Defining Intimacy
  • God’s Design for Sex and How it Plays out in Marriage
  • The Lies Your Wife Battles and How to Help Her Believe the Truth,
  • Dealing with Your Lies and Baggage
  • Discerning What is Right for Your Marriage
  • Using your Words to Communicate, Connect and Create Excitement
  • Learning to Be Present and Create Connection During Sex
  • How Women’s Bodies Work
  • How Your Body Works
  • Understanding Sex Drives
  • Wooing Your Wife
  • How Intimacy in Marriage Models Intimacy with Christ

For just $10, each participant receives unlimited access to the 6 professionally produced videos for 120 days. A pdf of the curriculum provides detailed notes and discussion questions. Several “Hands on Learning” assignments each week reinforce what you learn in the videos. A Resource page suggests books and websites for further growth. A Leaders Guide provides guidance for those interested in leading a group.

I have had the amazing privilege to teach hundreds of Christian wives about sex and to help them embrace freedom in their marriage bed. When I share with them about Men’s Edition many exclaim,” I would love for my husband to attend”.

Check it out for yourself. If you find it helpful, dare to lead a group. Men are starved for good, God honoring, detailed information about sex and how to love their wife.

Using Words to Fuel Passion During Sex

Words add excitement during sex. Women that masturbate often imagine what is being said to them. Even saying or imagining their own verbal enthusiasm can coax their body’s response. When my husband lets down his guard enough to ask for what his body aches for, it adds to my arousal in powerful ways. When our filters finally disappear, the “Oh yes!!”, “Don’t stop!” or “Harder” fuel passion. But what words can Christian couples use in the marriage bed?

Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

We should not use words to harm or tear down in our marriage bed, but instead words that benefit the other. For couples that rarely talk about sex, figuring out what words to use can be like tip-toeing across a hidden mine field.

Language takes on a life of its own, based on our past experiences. Words we use to vent anger or disgust feel unloving. Medical terms remind us of our last pelvic exam. Words that people used to hurt us re-open old wounds. The meaning of a word comes from its usage in our life as much as the definition itself.

If you want to use words to create excitement, then you need to figure out what words work. But rather than throw out every word or phrase the world has corrupted, discern what words are life giving, loving, honoring and add passion to your marriage. What words benefit your marriage bed?

Taboo Words

Is it possible that if you never personally experienced the word **** in a negative way, **** could be beneficial in the privacy of the marriage bed? **** represents what we cannot allow ourselves to say to each other in public. But within the context of the marriage bed, where we trust and love each other, the word takes on a different meaning. Using **** expresses the total letting down of one’s guard and entering into a place of total abandonment and passion. Used only for our marital intimacy.

I don’t know what your **** word is, nor would I prescribe one. Each couple gets to decide how they express a total letting go.   I am not encouraging the use of swear words. I am simply challenging us to discern what words benefit our marriage bed – just like what activities encourage our marriage beds.  Just because the world has corrupted words, does not mean that God forbids them within a loving sexual relationship.

That is the importance of having discussions with our spouse about what words turn us on and what words turn us off. We need to know and understand what words feel degrading, or hurtful, and what words might open a world of unfiltered passion and expression. Using words to create arousal is not about imitating something, but about freedom to let your spouse know how you feel.

Finding Your Language

Sit down and brainstorm about sexual words with your spouse.  On a piece of paper, make three lists. Every word to describe a woman’s sexual body parts, his body parts, or any type of sex. Think about slang terms, swear words, medical terms, or even your own versions. Individually cross out every term that feels like a turn off, and circle the turn-ons. Afterward talk about why the words are a turn off for you. Then share why the words are a turn on and when they are a turn on. Be sensitive and compassionate to your spouse as they share. Find some common ground, and challenge yourself to claim more ground.

God is a God of passion. How do we communicate passion during sex in marriage? Stepping outside of lukewarm can feel terrifying. What do we need to let go of, while we hang onto God?

 

 

5 Ideas for Couples Struggling to Connect After a New Baby

Recently I received an email from a woman that had taken an Awaken Love class. Though she has embraced God’s design for sex, the arrival of another baby has left her struggling to connect with her husband.

I just had a baby about two months ago. During pregnancy and now with an infant and toddler our intimate life has been a struggle. I’m really having a hard time getting in the mood. I have a baby nursing all day long and still have some residual healing that needs to take place post birth. My husband is getting sexually frustrated and I’m sort of at a loss. It feels like I serve the kids all day long and then don’t have it in me to serve him by being there sexually. I feel like my body is just a milk machine. Do you have any advice? Is it okay to be less intimate during this life phase? I just mentally struggle with feeling like I’m ‘faking it’ with him because I do not feel sexual or turned on, no matter how hard I try 🙁 Any advice would be wonderful!

Seasons of life filled with exhaustion present extra challenges. But I am so glad this young mom asked for advice. Instead of letting the lack of sex drive a wedge in her marriage, working together they can embrace the opportunity to redefine intimacy. No easy answers exist for the exhaustion that babies, nursing and raising kids create. So let me just offer a few ideas for couples to ponder and maybe try….

Remove the Pressure

Take the pressure off and try to just connect physically. Tell your husband how hard the thought of sex is, but you know that connecting physically is important. Ask him if once you get the kids down, to crank up the heat, and just get in bed with you with no expectations or pressure. Wives need to relax and warm up to their husband’s touch again. Their husband needs to be touched too, regardless of whether you have sex. I would suggest that you do this at least weekly or a couple of times a week.

Give Your Body Time to Heal

If intercourse is still painful and your body needs time to heal, then take the time and do not force things. The two of you can share manual or oral stimulation together until intercourse can be a positive experience for both of you.

Take Care of Yourself

You need to take care of yourself and your husband needs to help. Even if you are nursing, he can care for the baby and toddler at least for an hour or two. Get out of the house, or take a bath and just relax. The more that your husband cares for the kids by himself, the more he will understand why you are so tired. The more he takes care of you, the more capacity you have to engage with him.

Avoid Lust

Your husband must carefully guard his eyes from lust – especially when you are unavailable. Lust can happen with his eyes, his thoughts, or even through the lyrics of songs. Avoiding lust will help him see you as a person and not just as the sexy wife that he loves to have sex with.

Ways to Release Tension

You could have a conversation about him taking things into his own hands once in a while. Be careful and discerning about whether this is a good idea. But better to talk about it then to just ignore it.

When we had 4 little girls, my husband did not even want me to feel guilty about being unavailable. Once in a while in the shower, he would think about me, and release some tension, so that he could be a gentler, kinder husband. Other men will masturbate next to their wife so that she can share in the experience if she wants to.

Better to be open with your husband, then to ignore the situation. If you decide masturbation is a helpful option, he must think only about you. Ask him to share with you every time so that nothing is hidden. Pray together and ask for discernment on whether masturbation will create intimacy in your marriage or division.

Final Thoughts

Though raising a family can create challenges in marriage, I encourage you to embrace it as an opportunity to create intimacy. Open up your definition of sex and connection. Learn how to talk to each other about hard things. Create a new realization for each other’s strengths and challenges. And learn how to love each other in a new way.

Talking About Sex – Even in Kenya

On our mantle sits a hand painted African plate from a fundraiser for a girl’s school and orphanage in Kenya. From the time we met the founders, I always knew that one day Jim and I would make the long trek to visit the orphanage.

Maybe it is because I admired how one couple’s obedience to God’s calling could impact so many lives. From its’ humble beginnings in 2004, the orphanage now houses, feeds, clothes and educates over 120 girls. Or maybe the founder wore me down, after repeatedly telling me his girls needed to meet a woman that crossed boundaries into fields like Engineering and Woodworking. Or maybe… after putting it off for over 8 years because of our kid’s college tuition payments and ministry involvement with Awaken-Love, I just needed to trust God.

This month Jim and I went to the orphanage in Kenya and it was amazing!!

A hundred smiling faces greeted us with welcome songs and shaking each of our hands. These girls ages 4-18, are survivors and living testimonies to God’s goodness. The stories of their past include losing parents, having no food to eat, and surviving abuse. The girls are now filled with joy, love for each other and love for Jesus. They stretched me, provided opportunities to share my gifts and to enjoy theirs.

Sex Talk

After church on Sunday, I was given the opportunity to talk to the 7th, 8th and high schoolers about sex and relationships. Though the school wanted me to focus on waiting for sex until marriage, I wanted the girls to have at least a basic understanding of their bodies and sex. With 30 girls gathered around me and a piece of chalk, I began by drawing a picture of a woman’s body with her legs apart. As I explained about the 3 holes that we have and their function, I heard the sounds of wander coming from the girls. Drawing the clitoris, I shared that God gave us a part of our body created for no other reason besides pleasure. He wants wives to enjoy sex too.

Asking if they wanted me to draw a picture of the man, enthusiastic replies urged me on. “The front or the side I asked?”

“The front!”, they yelled. After drawing a sketch from the front with a non-erect penis, I continued by drawing the side view with a full erection. Silence filled the room as I talked about how a man’s penis goes into the vagina so his sperm can pass into the woman’s vagina in order to make a baby. I explained how God wants us to save not just sexual intercourse for marriage, but any intimate sharing or touching of each other’s bodies.

All of a sudden, the girl seated at my left, passed me a tiny folded up piece of paper.

Normally I might have just slid the paper into my pocket to prevent distraction, but today God was doing something. I paused from speaking and carefully unwrapped the paper and read out loud,

“People say when you have sex while standing you will not get pregnant”

Questions

It was the first of many small notes that would make their way across the room. Real questions, coming from real girls in Kenya. Some asked because of the lie’s boys use to manipulate girls to have sex. Others were raw questions from experiences they had seen or had done. Some questions, were simply things they didn’t understand.

I felt honored that these girls trusted me enough to ask. As my comfort level with the topic of sex set them at ease, an outsider provided the perfect opportunity to find out the answers.

Later in the session I shared about God’s design for sex within marriage. Rather than just telling them “Don’t do it”, I wanted to give them something to wait for. I talked about mutuality, oneness, knowing and that God intended sex as a way to comfort each other.

Waiting for Marriage

Afterwards I shared some tangible ways that will help them wait until marriage to have sex. In the culture of Kenya, these girls face an uphill battle to wait. Many girls get married or pregnant as teens. They will need to trust and depend on God as they make choices. If they want to wait, they will have to avoid situations where men might take advantage of them. Staying focused on education and their goals will have to take precedence over the flirtations of a boy. They must think carefully about what kind of man they want to marry and settle for nothing less. And they will need to help each other by getting into each other’s business, asking hard questions, and reminding each other about what is important.

Whether in Kenya, or the United States, we must provide safe places for girls to learn about sex, hear God’s truth and have their questions answered. Though I was only a part of these girls lives for a short time, I am praying that my talk acts as just another building block in helping these girls understand God’s truth. Who would have thought I would be talking to girls in Africa about sex.

5 Ideas to Add Variety to Oral Sex for Your Husband

Women tend to think about stimulation for their husband in terms of in and out movement. A hand or mouth that encompasses the shaft, sliding up and down from the base of the penis, across the ridge to the head, and then back again. It is the typical motion that most men use to create pleasure themselves. Though highly pleasurable and efficient, I want to share some ideas to mix things up a bit, extend pleasure, and add variety to oral sex for your husband.

First a couple of details.

If your husband does not groom himself by shaving or trimming his hair, you might find suggest he start. Gagging on a long hair caught on the back of your throat is not exactly sexy. A fresh shower and attention to detail can set you loose to enjoy him more.

Second, if your husband is used to going directly from point A to point B, you might need to prepare him. Let him know that you want to experiment and try some new things. His only job is to relax, give you feedback and enjoy the ride. Assure him that you will not leave him hanging and that he can trust you. Exude care, confidence and enthusiasm for your exploration. Now onto our moves…

Swirl

After you warm him up, while encompassing him with your mouth, take your tongue and swirl it around the ridge of his penis a few times without moving in and out. He will feel the variation of texture from rougher surface of the top of your tongue, to the silky-smooth underside. Then begin long slow strokes again with your mouth but just as you begin the turn to stroke back down his penis, pause just enough to swirl around the entire ridge. Don’t be in a hurry, just set up a nice easy rhythm. Down stroke. Up stroke. Swirl. Down stroke. Upstroke, Swirl. Down stroke… Once in a while add variety by changing things up for a while, but then come back to the swirl with a little more intensity. You can finish this way or move to something different to finish.

Skipping a beat

During typical oral sex, usually you establish a steady rhythm of stimulation, often tied to the in and out of movement. Once you have him well warmed up, and you get him to this place where you want him to just sit there for a while and let it come to him, trying switching things a bit. Keep exactly the same rhythm but  instead of in out in out in , try,  in out in pause pause, out in pause pause, out in pause pause. During the pause, he should encompass him with your mouth. Hold him firmly and see if you can feel him ache for you. You can finish him this way, or when you move back to every beat, he probably won’t last long.

Testicles and hand stroke

Testicles tend to be pretty finicky, kind of like our breasts. Your husband will need to be thoroughly warmed up, and even then, not all men may like to have their testicles played with. But if he does, try gently taking them into your mouth one at a time while just holding the base of his penis. If he gets really turned on, he make ask you to stroke his penis with your hand while gently caressing his testicles with your mouth.

Banging around

Some men like to have their penis gently banged around when they are highly aroused. While holding their shaft,  you could move it back and forth to gently whack your mouth or tongue. You could stick your tongue out and bang it against his head. It’s like adding some sparkles to a cake after the frosting has been smoothly massaged to cover the cake. It makes you enjoy the creamy frosting all that much more. A nice variety from the in and out, banging him around for a bit will entice him to enjoy your coreplay moves even more.

Ring hold combo

A mouth provides this lovely warm, smooth chamber of goodness for a man’s penis, but sometimes a man needs things stepped up a notch. A great finishing move is to uses the focused pressure of a ring hold surging up and down his shaft. Warm him up with your mouth, by establishing  a good rhythm with your mouth. Play around and have some fun. When you get close, hold the base of his penis with just your index finger and thumb making a ring around his penis. Don’t move your hand yet, create anticipation. At the right time, slowly follow your mouth with your hand pulling a wave of goodness up. Release pressure to take your hand back to the base and start another cycle. Hold your mouth around the head of his penis and ripple your ring hold up.

Final Thoughts

Enjoy these five ideas to spur on your imagination as you add variety to oral sex. Pausing to swirl, skipping a beat, suckling his testicles, banging him around a bit and creating a surge with a ring hold. Anyone else have ideas to share. Keep it respectful and don’t personalize it. For example…. “Some men like…”  or just talk about the movement without telling us about your husband.

Finding the Courage to Host Awaken Love

If you are afraid to host an Awaken Love sex class, trust me, I understand. When I had my first class, I felt terrified too. Who would I ask and how would I do it? Could I really talk about sex? What if something came up that I wasn’t equipped to handle? What if I said the wrong thing or didn’t have the answer? But as God continued to highlight the importance of figuring out sex to strengthen Christian marriages, I knew I had to do something. I finally decided that I wasn’t going to let Satan’s lies or fear keep me from making a difference. I was going to trust God.

Inviting

I will never forget the first time I decided to teach Awaken Love. I spent weeks thinking about who I should invite and how to broach the subject. Too scared to reach out to my friends in person I decided that email felt safest. I made a list of some of my most trusted, Godly friends and drafted a letter telling them a little bit of my story. God had woken me to the importance of sex and was calling me to share with others what I had learned. I remember hitting “send” and wondering, “what will they think of me now?”

I really wasn’t sure how my friends would react. But using email gave them a comfortable “out” and helped me avoid the face to face questions or personal rejection. Those not interested simply never responded. The ones open to the idea quickly replied. After all, how often do you hear about a Christian sex class?

After all these years, I still feel nervous inviting others to a class. My primary way to spread the word about classes is using email. But every once in a while, God calls me to press in and talk to someone in person. Usually it feels so clear that I almost feel like I am transmitting a message from God. “I think you are supposed to take my class”, I will gently pronounce. More often then not, they agree.

Some women have no problem inviting friends to a sex class, and some of us just need to use subtler way. Either way, trust God to bring the women ready to dive in. Don’t pressure friends that don’t feel ready. You never know what they are dealing with in their marriage.

Having the Answers

Those first classes I often worried, what if I don’t know the answer? The truth is that I will never have all the answers and neither will you. Sometimes there is no simple answer, or maybe no answer at all.

More important than providing the answers we must provide a sympathetic place for women to be heard, loved and pointed to the simple truths about God. He is good, He is faithful, He cares and He can provide healing and restoration. We won’t have to all the answers, we just need to keep pointing women back to God’s truth.

At times the fear that what I said might make matters worse felt terrorizing. Carrying the burden for someone else’s change or transformation felt suffocating, until I landed at the foot of the cross. God is in control, not me. If someone makes positive growth than the glory goes to God. If I say the wrong thing, then God can use even my weaknesses and work good from it. Teaching classes will require you to let go of what you cannot control and instead trust Him.

Handling Situations

Handling emotional situations has never been my strength. In fact, I remember purposely avoiding people because I did not feel comfortable hearing about their struggles. So you can imagine that when I started teaching, I worried about the situations I might need to handle in classes – a woman still raw from sexual abuse, a wife that just discovered her husband’s porn, feelings of regret over promiscuity. But God provided. Every time I felt lacking, another woman stepped up. And even though I now feel confident in handling most situations, I still look for women to step up. Because class is not about me. It is about women ministering to women. God will be faithful to provide what you  need during class.

If you have considered hosting an Awaken Love class and you’ve been talking yourself out of it, I would ask you these questions….

  1. Is God calling you to bring wholeness and health to women’s sexuality, or to start talking about sex in the church?
  2. Do you know God and His truths?
  3. Can you create a safe place for women to be honest?
  4. Do you trust God to provide – even for a sex class?

Well, what are you waiting for…

Talking with Other Women About Sex

A recent study about the impact of providing women with a safe place to talk about sex, confirmed the importance of community during Awaken-Love classes. Though I suspected the importance of sharing and processing with other women, until now, I didn’t have any real evidence.

The Study

In the study, small groups of women met once a week for four weeks. To encourage conversation the women agreed not to judge each other or give advice. Each week they answered a prompt like,“what kind of messages did you receive as a child around sexuality?” Or “how do you feel about your body or about masturbation.” These simple questions helped them process past experiences and become more self aware. After only four weeks,  women not only improved their feelings about themselves but they started making positive changes in their marriage.

Statistically, things like desire, arousal and orgasm all increased for the women. Overall, sexual function increased 20%, but just as important sexual distress, or worrying about sex, decreased 28%. The open conversations with other women helped to normalize their own experiences. They became more accepting of themselves and excited to explore what worked for them. Talking about sex in groups also equipped them to talk to their husbands in order to improve their sex life. Another common side benefit for many women, was talking to their kids about sex for the very first time. Talking about sex with other women helped them not only embrace their own sexuality, but inspired them to make a difference for the next generation.

Awaken-Love

In Awaken Love classes I have personally witnessed the power of women talking about sex with other women. We use mixer questions every week like, “How did you learn about sex?” or “When have you the felt the closest to your husband and why?” Weekly, opportunities are given to share what women are learning through the homework or reading.  On baggage week, we share about our sexual baggage. At first most women feel timid talking about sex, but as we establish trust, they open up.

In class, the most important thing a facilitator  does is to create a judgement free zone for conversation. If women are going to be honest, they must feel safe. We must not only guard our words, but the tone of our voice and facial expression as we share in group. Respectful conversation must be maintained – both in what we talk about and how we talk about it. We don’t need to arouse or tantalize others with graphic details.  We share in general, respectful ways. Talking about sex empowers us, equips us and encourage others.

When women gently share about their struggles, they don’t feel so alone. When regrets are met with compassion and grace, women receive healing. Steps of growth challenge and spur others on towards their own growth.  And just like in the study, women begin talking about sex both with their husband and their kids. Talking about sex can be a powerful way to help women embrace their sexuality and ultimately change the world.

It is important to learn to talk about sex in respectful, God honoring ways. When we do, we will not only improve our own sex lives, we will help others.

Don’t Let Sexuality Become Your God

I recently heard an interview on Sexy Marriage Radio about a woman whose story sounded similar to mine. A married engineer that spent years devaluing sex in marriage knew something needed change. While looking for answers, she discovered how much just talking to other women about sex encouraged her. This wife has since quit her job and devoted herself to helping women embrace their sexuality. Though on the surface our stories have an uncanny resemblance, our lives and mission differ drastically. God defines who I am, and what I do – not my sexuality.

Awaken

As I read her blog from the beginning, I related to many of her posts as her sexuality began to awaken. She wrote about learning to breathe until she felt it all the way “down there”. Rather than letting life pass by, she slowed down to savor small things like tasting the juiciness of a ripe strawberry. Communication opened up in her marriage, she realized lies about sex that impacted her, and she sought to understand her body. She even started a monthly meeting with 4 friends to help process how their past impacted their present and to spur each other on in growth. But what this woman did not have was God’s good boundaries to guide and protect her as she embraced her sexuality.

Sex is powerful. Tastes of freedom can feel like standing up in a convertible with our arms open wide, the wind in our hair and rejoicing at the top of our lungs. It feels so good, to finally be known, to not fear, that we go chasing after more.

In Song of Songs 5:1 God says, Eat, friends, and drink; drink your fill of love.

God doesn’t want us to hold back, but to freely enjoy our love together in marriage.

But what happen when we lose sight of God?

What happens when sexuality becomes our God?

On my journey to embrace my sexuality, I have had crossroads where I had to choose God, and trust His boundaries of one man and one woman. I have to constantly resist the urge to look where my eyes should not go, in the name of education. Rather than allow an open discussion on the blog that gradually grows more explicit and tantalizing, I have to heavily moderate comments.   When my body doesn’t cooperate like I hope it does or I feel bored, I have to resist the temptation to bend the rules to create a little more excitement. I constantly guard my sexual thoughts and if something lands outside of God’s boundaries, then I to chose to stop dwelling on it, and refocus my attention on my husband.  I must trust God, not my sexuality.

Don’t fall for chasing after the greatest orgasm by ignoring boundaries to get an adrenaline rush. Seek greater intimacy through vulnerability, honesty and spiritual connection with your spouse. Instead of proclaiming if “I feel it, then it must be okay”, seek to glorify God with your body, sexual intimacy in marriage, and everything that you do. God is God, and we are not.

The Fall

What started out as a beautiful story of this woman embracing her sexuality has resulted in her decision to have an open marriage and embrace bisexuality. It both makes me sad and it makes me pause. Because without God, that might have been me… Without God’s boundaries, she has chased after whatever feels good, fuels her mind with excitement, and provides the next adrenaline rush. She has opened herself up to anyone’s ideas about sex without a way to measure truth. God’s good gift of sex to create intimacy in marriage has been discarded and may lead to a never-ending path to pain and destruction.

Keep Guard

On your journey of sexual discovery and freedom, I urge you to constantly ask yourself, “

  • Do I trust God with my sexuality?
  • Am I bending God’s boundaries in the name of more sexual fulfillment?
  • Can I imagine God smiling over us as we connect sexually?

Filter advice or information about sex through God’s truth. Pray and involve Him in your daily decisions and choices about sex. Embrace the freedom that He wants for you. Guard His design of one man and one woman -with your eyes, what you read, your thoughts, and activities. Don’t talk about sex in a way that will tantalize others or allow them to picture your marriage bed. Value intimacy and connection more than the largest orgasm.

Worship God, not His creation of sex.