What We Can Learn From Giving Freebies

Wives commonly use freebies to serve their husbands. When we aren’t physically available because of our period, pregnancy or a physical challenge we offer manual or oral stimulation. Some wives give freebies because they think it will be fun to focus their full attention on their husbands. Void of the distractions of worrying about their own orgasm or performance we lavish our husband with love. Giving our husbands freebies might even become a regular way to navigate a  difference in drives. When we think of giving a freebie, most people think in terms of a wife giving her husband oral, manual sex, or maybe even intercourse, with no expectation in return.

Switching Roles

But how many husbands give their wife freebies? Besides older men, few husbands have even considered the idea. Younger couples can think it impossible or pointless. Even when the wife has the higher drive, you don’t typically hear about a husband treating his wife to a freebie.

But exchanging roles can help us learn so much about our spouse and what sex feels like for them. So, what can we learn from a husband giving his wife a freebie?

Previously I wrote an article titled Freebie for Her that talks about why a husband should try giving his wife a freebie. Some of the reasons include focusing all of his attention on her without getting distracted. Or going without an orgasm can also help a husband to understand how frustrated she can feel when she is left hanging. A husband might also realize how enjoyable and connecting sex can feel even without a climax. Giving her a freebie will teach husbands many things about sex.

What Wives Can Learn

But giving a freebie to your wife will also help her understand and believe important things. When you give your wife a freebie, you show her with your actions that her enjoyment is as important as your own. Your wife starts actually believing that God created sex for her as much as for you, and then her entire mindset changes.

When I wrote the original article Freebie for Her, a couple of men pushed back saying that maybe an older husband might give his wife a freebie, but surely not a young man with a higher drive. Why torture the young dad, that already isn’t getting much sex? Why shouldn’t a husband finish, when it is no extra work for his wife?

Real Life Experience

Recently I had a young mom share about her experience of receiving a freebie. Without her knowledge, her young husband had decided to take on the challenge and treat his wife to a freebie. Afterwards she felt terrible for him, riddled with guilt for his discomfort and sacrificial love.

As we processed together, I hoped this young wife learned some things about her husband. He chose to give her a freebie because he loved her sacrificially and was willing to try something different. He cared as much about her pleasure as his own, even to the point of being  a little uncomfortable. How many times have wives experienced a little discomfort in order to let their husband enjoy sex? Why do we think our husbands incapable of the same?

Hopefully when this young husband gave his wife a freebie, she learned that he won’t explode if gets an erection and doesn’t finish. When wives believe that our husband needs a release every time he gets an erection, then we start avoiding all the things that create connection. We avoid kissing, cuddling and letting him visually enjoy us for fear of leading him on. When we understand erections don’t have to lead to sex than we remove expectations and pressure and that can lead to more connection.

The Importance of Joining In

As I pondered how much it bothered this young woman to receive a freebie, I wondered what husbands feel like when they constantly receive freebies from their wife. How many times do their wives serve them, when what they really want is for them to join in? Do we understand how lonely freebies can feel as we refuse to let our husband pleasure us?

Many women would rather serve their husband then receive? Isn’t it important that we learn to do both?  Shouldn’t your husband also experience the joy of giving.

If you have never taken on the challenge of giving your wife a freebie, I challenge you to try it and see what you can learn

Engaged Couples Video Class Available Today!

Do you want to help engaged couples start on the right foot when it comes to sex?

Are you getting married soon and wonder about sex in marriage?

Do you have a hard time addressing sex in pre-marital counseling?

Talking about sex can feel scary and awkward, but couples learning to communicate about sex can help prevent patterns that take years to reverse.

Check out our new video class designed just for Engaged Couples.

Through discussion questions, my husband Jim and I will help couples open up the conversation of sex. By sharing about their past, they will realize their lens about sex has been distorted. Cultural messages, silence, and past experiences impact expectations or how they feel about each other. As we recognize the lies we have believed, then we can embrace God’s truth. Rather than hang onto the past, couples can move forward in healing and truth.

God’s Design

Couples need to understand that God designed sex to join two very different people together. When we embrace His design, we can celebrate our differences and stretch to meet each other’s needs. God created sex for both husband and wife but it does not come naturally or easily. Creating a sex life that gets better year after year will take intentionality, communication, trust and the courage to learn new things. When all else fails we must trust God to help us grow.


Many couples wonder what does God allow in our sex life. God gives us a tremendous amount of freedom in our marriage bed. Rather than hard and fast rules, He wants us to discern what is right for us and for our marriage. Ultimately, are you creating intimacy in your marriage through sex.


With many people impacted by pornography, we understand the importance of taking on the topic head on. Some general education about pornography will equip couples to dive deeper into discussions one on one. Marriage won’t fix a struggle with pornography, but creating real intimacy by being truly known can become the first step towards freedom.

Practical Tips

Though every man and woman are uniquely created, we want to share some basic tips to help couples understand each other. From how their body works, to how long it takes, to what feels vulnerable. Our short succinct tips will provide important insight.


The most important thing we want couples to learn is how to communicate about sex. Whether they take the class as a couple, with a mentor couple, or with a group of engaged couples, mixer questions will promote respectful conversations. Further resources and follow-up questions provide more in-depth discussions about past experiences and expectations. Learning to talk about sex, will open up communication across the board as couples dive into God’s design to be fully known.

The Details

For just $10 you will gain unlimited access to a 45-minute video, notes of the curriculum, follow-up resources and a group leader guide for 30 days. if you know of someone getting married soon, help them start with the strong foundation and learn God’s design for sex. For more information check out the Engaged Couples Class.

10 Practical Tips to Make Sex a Priority

Even when you have a great mindset, making sex a priority when you are raising kids can be challenging. Exhaustion, busyness and feeling over touched can all play a role. Living in survival mode with little time to talk or play leaves our reserves depleted and disconnection can feel hard to overcome. Breaking the cycle and making sex a priority often requires some very intentional choices.

#1 Take Care of Yourself

Just like the airplane emergency instructions, put on your own oxygen mask first and then you can help others. If you constantly serve others, you may have nothing left to give your husband.

For me, taking care of myself meant throwing the kids in a stroller or on their bikes and winding down from the day as I my husband and I talked. I had sacred afternoon nap times when I went to the wood shop to build something and recharge. Jim also sent me out once a week to play in a community band while he watched the kids. Probably the most important thing I did to take care of myself was to teach my kids how to sleep. Getting a full night sleep on a regular basis will not only make you happier but will make your kids happier.

#2 Don’t’ Wait for Your Drive

Realize that women’s sex drives don’t work like a man. Your body may never scream, “I need sex”, or at least rarely. That does not mean that sex is not important for you and for your marriage.

Keep an open mind and ask your husband to help you get on board. Allow yourself to day dream about sex to stoke the fire. Accept his touches and caresses even when sex is not the first thing on your mind. He just wants to feel close to you.

#3 Open Up Your Definition of Sex

The other day I was talking to a young mom of 3 kids. Her husband hoped they could have sex several times a week, and she could not imagine it. So, I suggested, “What if you and your husband had an agreement that 4 nights a week the two of you would go to bed as soon as the kids were in bed. Two of those nights you would just lay in bed, and get naked, and talk, give back rubs, or whatever you wanted. The other two nights you would agree to try get yourself on board to enjoy sex with your husband. All of a sudden, her eyes lit up! “That sounds great”, she said. Even though it required more nights, redefining sex took off the pressure and helped her to look forward to their time connecting.

#4 Break Your Patterns of Avoiding Touch

When I had young kids, I used to avoid my husband’s touch for fear of leading him on. My trying to be considerate actually had several negative impacts. First, neither one of us received the non-sexual touch that helped us stay connected. Second, my husband began to expect sex when I did let him touch me. Which in turn led me to resent him for always expecting sex after cuddling.

Break the cycle. Take ownership for the pattern you have established and ask him to start fresh. Tell him how important it is for the two of you to cuddle, hold hands, and lay skin to skin. But explain that cuddling may not always lead to sex. Maybe your husband craves sex simply because it is the only time he gets touched?

#5 Find a Transition Zone

Most women need some kind of transition zone from their busy day to being able to enter into lovemaking. Some women need to talk through their day, others want a time of silence. A nice walk can help women transition or maybe a soak in the tub. Every woman is different and you need to figure out what works for you. Ask your husband to help provide what you need and make him feel like your hero

#6 Create Shared Initiation

As important as how often you have sex, is whether your husband feels wanted. When you initiate sex and plan something fun for the two of you, he will feel like a million bucks. Sometimes quality it more important than quantity.

To create new patterns set up a plan. For instance, you could agree that between Sunday and Wednesday you will initiate at least once each week, and Thursday to Saturday he gets to plan something. Do your best to get on board as your share initiation

#7 Plan in House Dates

When kids are little, one of the best things we can do is plan in house dates. Rather going out to a movie or dinner and coming home tired, put the kids to bed and stay in. Plan a nice candle light meal, or just spread out a blanket in front of the fireplace. Make a pact to go to be early and exchange back rubs. Dance in the privacy of your bedroom. Explore the guest bedroom or the basement and make some memories

#8 Don’t Always Have Sex at 11 pm

The most common time couples have sex is 11 pm and it is probably the worst time, especially for parents of young kids. Get creative when you have sex. Take advantage of nap time. For older kids, establish a sacred Sunday afternoon mom and dad time when you go up stairs and lock the door for 2 hours. Meet during the day when the kids are in school. Make out in the shower, or try early morning sex.  Or just go to bed as soon as the kids are tucked in.

#9 Marital Aids for Quickies

We all have seasons when we feel exhausted with little time for connecting. Often couples end up resorting to quickies just for him, because they simply prefer sleep to taking the time for sex. Consider creating quickies that will work for both of you by using a vibrator or marital aid for a quicker response for the wife. Christian online resources like Married Dance or Covenant Spice provide ways to research options in a safe way.

#10 Get Out for Over-Nighters

One thing that I wish my husband and I had taken more seriously was investing in yearly over-nighters together. Getting away as a couple would have helped me remember the importance of putting my marriage first and maintaining intimacy. Ask grandparents to help, find a college kid home on break that needs to make a few bucks, or set up an exchange with another family. Go crazy and get away, even if it is just for one night a year.

Final Thoughts

The season of raising kids tugs and pulls you many directions. The best thing that you can do for your kids is to invest in an intimate marriage. Making sex a priority in the midst of the chaos of kids might be just what you need to help each other survive. Let God unite you through sex as you navigate some very busy years, and extend grace to yourself. This too shall pass.

How do you prioritize intimacy in your marriage?


A New Mindset to Embrace Sex when Parenting

Raising kids is hard! Even though I am now an empty nester, I remember well the days of changing diapers, wiping spit-up off my clothes and interrupted nights of sleep. With 4 kids under the age of 6, I wish I had known then what I know now about sex. Surviving those years, I often felt isolated, exhausted, and on opposite teams from my husband. Sex always seemed to be the last thing on my “to do” list. I found myself feeling resentful when Jim would gently coax me towards connection. Though I am sure some practical choices might have helped for a while, they would have just acted like a band aid that eventually fall off. What I really needed was a whole new mindset toward sex.

My Distorted Lens

Creating a new mindset started when I realized how many things had impacted how I viewed sex, and what I believed about my husband. My lens toward sex was totally distorted. In order to embrace the truth I had to discard the lies. Many things impact how women feel about sex.

  • The awkward talks we received from our family.
  • The silence from church.
  • Lessons about boys having no self-control
  • Medias  portrayal of husbands begging their wife for sex
  • Purity messages consisting solely of “Don’t do it”
  • Modesty messages that make us responsible for the purity of boys
  • Marriage books repeatedly expounding the importance of sex for men without addressing women’s needs

All of these messages leave us feeling like sex is just something that we do for our husbands. When we have kids and a million other things to do, sex ends up at the bottom of the barrel.

God’s Intention

But our lens about sex has been skewed. God never intended that sex would suck the life out of us. He intended that becoming one with our husband would bring us life. Read Song of Songs and pay attention to her role vs his. In a culture when women were treated very different than men, she acts as an equal their marriage bed. She asks for what she want, initiates an outdoor adventure, expresses herself and even admires his body.

She says things like Song of Songs 1:2,

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—
    for your love is more delightful than wine.

More relaxing than a glass of wine is connecting with her husband.

Or Song of Songs 1:13-14

My beloved is to me a sachet of myrrh
    resting between my breasts.
 My beloved is to me a cluster of henna blossoms
    from the vineyards of En Gedi.

His sweet aroma resting between her breasts makes her long for him all day. He is her En Gedi, her oasis. When she faces hard things, she looks forward to escaping with her beloved. Sex is as important to her as it is to her husband.  We have to embrace mutuality as a new mindset.

God’s Design

God designed sex to refresh us and not as another thing on our “to do” list. Enjoying sex together should unite us with our husband and help get us on the same team for the day to day battle of raising kids. Maybe God meant sex to be a way to escape the chaos and to remember who we are. Maybe we need to figure out the truth about sex now instead of waiting for the kids to grow up.

I write often about God’s design for sex

As women bombarded by lies, we must constantly hang onto God’s truth about sex. As you dispel the lies from the world and embrace God’s truth, then sex becomes a way to survive the long days of raising small kids. Changing your mindset about sex is the first step towards making sex a lasting priority in your marriage.

What has helped you change your mindset about sex?

Next time – 10 Practical Tips to Make Sex a Priority While Raising Kids.

Many Options for Taking an Awaken-Love Video Class

When I first created the Awaken Love videos, I based everything off of my experiences teaching live classes. I realized the importance of community so that women could encourage and support each other as they shared their struggles and growth. I tried to recreate classes, with pauses for mixer questions, reading Song of Songs as a group, and discussion questions. Rather than just tell you the answers, I wanted women to discover their own answers. Though I still believe taking the video class in a group provides a powerful dynamic for transformation, I now realize that God can work regardless of the circumstances. If God has softened your heart and you are ready to seek His truth, He can use the Awaken-Love video class in many different ways as an impetus for change.

Skype Class

Some groups take the video class using Skype. Each week they watch the video on their own time schedule. Afterwards, at an established time, they meet over Skype to talk through discussion questions and share. Some even set up a private Facebook group to connect through out the week.

Sometimes Skype group are friends living in different locations, or that can’t get away from home to meet. Other times a Skype group with complete strangers can provide more freedom to share, process and go after healing.

If you want to take the class over Skype with someone you don’t know, email me.   I can ask on the website if another wife would like to join you. After exchanging emails, the two of you can email and see if it is a good fit and take it from there.

Facebook Class

This summer, a group of over 20 women from a closed Facebook group decided to take the video classes.  At exactly 1 pm, they all got online and started their own video. While their kids napped they could use Facebook messaging to discuss the questions or process their thoughts together.

As an older person that grew up in the dark ages, the idea of comments and discussion scrolling by during the video, sounds crazy. But for these young moms with napping kids, the Facebook closed group provided a great way to take the class in community with other young moms. These women experienced profound break-through in their marriage and took their friendships to a new level.

Using technology can be a great option for an Awaken-Love class, but it comes with its cautions. Groups need to guard against husband bashing, and sharing too many descriptive details. Participants must focus on working on themselves throughout the process.

Couples Class

Some women take the class with their husband. Together they watch the videos in the comfort of their homes, and discuss the questions. Though missing the element of connecting with other women’s stories, taking the class with your husband can open up conversations in your marriage. For couples already in great shape, the class would probably be a lot of fun. For couples really struggling in the area of communication, sex, or intimacy, taking the class might pull off some old scabs, and require real maturity to push through towards healing.

If both husband and wife want to take the video class, then awesome. If one of you feels coerced to take the class, then a hard heart doesn’t hear much. Couples must prayerfully discern whether taking the video class together would be helpful.

Individual Class

Women sometimes take the video class all by themselves. For whatever reason they can’t or aren’t ready to talk about sex in a group. Though it must be a different experience then sitting in a room with women that empathize, sometimes we need to wrestle on our own.

I pray that as women take the class on their own, they meet with God. That He comforts them, whispers truth, affirms who they are, and places a balm on any wounds.

Final Thoughts

Though live classes continually point to the power of community as women seek healing in the area of sexuality, I am not going to limit what God can do. If you want to use the videos using Skype, social media, as a couple, by yourself, or some other way that I have not even thought of, please go for it. If I am able to help iron out any details or give you insight into possibilities, please email me. It is time to start talking about sex in the church. What does that look like for you?

What Women Need to Hear About Sex

When I wrote my book Awaken Love I spend several months praying, listening to God, collecting stories of women in class, and digging deep to remember how God transformed me. As part of the process, I brain stormed on large pieces of poster board with the question scrawled across the top, “What do I want to tell women? It did not take long for clear principles to emerge that I wanted to make the backbone of Awaken Love.

Do It for You

Women don’t need to hear again how important sex is for their husband. They need to know that God created sex for them too. Though are drives and our bodies function quite different than our husband’s, we need sex to connect with our husband, to find refreshment and as a way of getting to know ourselves and our husband. We need to know that sex is a good thing for us and permission to know and understand our own body  Women need to be encouraged to invest the time to create a sex life that is thoroughly enjoyable for both husband and wife.

There is a Design

When you understand the differences between men and women and the growth that’s required to create an amazing sex life in marriage, then you understand that God has a design to grow us. Whether it is the way that a husband’s visual eyes affirm a wife’s beauty when she receives his truth, or how a women’s need for words during sex will stretch a husband’s use of words. God designed aware of the power of sex  to unite, while women seem to tune into the importance of getting to know each other during sex. Ultimately God designed sex to cause us to grow up as we learn to love our spouse.

It Takes Hard Work

There is nothing worse then reading a book about sex that makes everything seem so simple and can leave you  feeling broken when things don’t fall into place. In order to create a sex life that both of you enjoy your entire marriage, you will need to make sex a priority. You must  save time and energy to invest in your relationship.  If you want to create intimacy rather than just have sex, then it will require you to get “naked”, to vulnerably share your needs and desire. If you want to create a mutually enjoyable sex life, then you will need to stretch and grow to meet your spouse’s needs. The more you ground yourself in Christ, the more you can open up to a very imperfect mate. Great sex does not just come naturally.

There are Reasons

The more I teach classes, the more I realize that there are reasons for the way that we feel about sex, or about ourselves. When we uncover those reasons, then they hold less power and we can choose the truth. If you constantly heard that sex is all boys want, that they have no control, and that we need to have sex for our husband, why would we think of sex as anything besides a duty? When boys use girls to give them oral sex in high school, how could we imagine that oral sex could be a beautiful part of marriage. Having the courage to uncover why you feel the way you do, opens doors towards healing and truth.

Things Can Change

You don’t have to stay stuck where you are at. If you have baggage that you brought into marriage, or created in marriage, God can heal you. If you want more intimacy in your marriage, than you can share more of yourself regardless of what your spouse does. You don’t have to believe the lies about sex, you can believe God’s truth. Our bodies can even change as we spend time learning new thing, but you must believe change is possible. God can do a work even in your sex life. I’ve seen Him do it in classes and I’ve experienced change myself.

Bring God into Your Marriage Bed

God did not just create sex and then launch you off on your own. He wants to be involved in your entire life, including your sexuality. When we separate Him from sex, then we divide ourselves from the power to help us create intimacy. We need Him to ground us so that we can let ourselves be known. We need His truth and healing as we navigate a very broken world. Rather than making choices on our own, we need to discern with him. Don’t boil sex down to just the mechanics to create pleasure. Make it a holy experience of discovery, connection and blessing.

Final Thoughts

Awaken Love is a raw, intimate look at what it takes to create an amazing sex life in marriage that never gets boring. Based on my story and the stories of women in classes, there are no easy answers or 3 easy steps. Creating real intimacy, rather than just having sex, takes work and a grounding that God is good. The more you learn about creating an intimate sex life in marriage, the more you will understand what intimacy with God looks like. Though written primarily to women, the book will help men understand their wife and open up a new understanding of sex. Filled with discussion questions, many couples have embraced the opportunity to read the book together and open up conversations. Pick up your copy today of Awaken Love and see what God can do in your marriage. The book is also available on Kindle.

5 Ideas to Add Variety to Oral Sex for Your Husband

Women tend to think about oral sex for their husband in terms of in and out movement. A hand or mouth that encompasses the shaft, sliding up and down from the base of the penis, across the ridge to the head, and then back again. It is the typical motion that most men use to create pleasure themselves. Though highly pleasurable and efficient, I want to share some ideas to mix things up a bit, extend pleasure, and expand his horizons.

First a couple of details.

If your husband does not groom himself by shaving or trimming his hair, you might suggest he start. Gagging on a long hair caught on the back of your throat is not exactly sexy. His fresh showering and attention to detail can set you loose to enjoy his body more.

Second, if your husband is used to going directly from point A to point B, you might need to prepare him. Communicate that you want to experiment and try some new things. His only job is to relax, give you feedback and enjoy the ride. Assure him that you will not leave him hanging and that he can trust you. Exude care, confidence and enthusiasm for your exploration. Now onto the moves…


After you warm him up, encompass him with your mouth. Take your tongue and swirl it around the ridge of his penis a few times without moving in and out. He will feel the variation of texture from rougher surface of the top of your tongue, to the silky-smooth underside. Then begin long slow strokes again with your mouth but just as you begin the turn to stroke back down his penis, pause just enough to swirl around the entire ridge. Don’t be in a hurry, just set up a nice easy rhythm. Down stroke. Up stroke. Swirl. Down stroke, Upstroke, Swirl, Down stroke…. Once in a while add variety by changing things up a bit, but then come back to the swirl with a little more intensity. If he’s patient and enjoying the ride you can finish this way. If you sense frustration, move to a stronger stimulation by adding a hand to help him finish.

Skipping a beat

During typical oral sex, usually you establish a steady rhythm of stimulation, often tied to the in and out of movement. To change things up, try skipping a beat, like in music when suddenly the the beat of the bridge changes.

Warm him up, and get him to a place of high arousal where you want him to just sit  for a while. Rather than pushing to the end, switch things up a bit and let it come to him. Keep exactly the same rhythm but  instead of out in, out in, out in…try out in pause pause, out in pause pause, out in pause pause. During the pause, you should encompass him with your mouth. Hold him firmly and see if you can feel him ache for you. You can finish him this way, or when you move back to every beat, he probably won’t last long.

Testicles and hand stroke

Testicles tend to be pretty finicky, kind of like our breasts. Your husband will need to be thoroughly warmed up, and even then, not all men may like to have their testicles played with. But if he does, try gently taking them into your mouth one at a time while just holding the base of his penis. If he gets really turned on, he make ask you to stroke his penis with your hand while gently caressing his testicles with your mouth.

Banging around

Some men like to have their penis gently banged around when they are highly aroused. It is just a different kind of stimulation to contrast with connected movements.  Like adding some crunchy nuts to add texture to a cream filled cake. These are the sparkles that wake our body to enjoy the main plays even more.

While holding his shaft,  you could move it back and forth to gently whack against your mouth or tongue. You could stick your tongue out and gently move your head from side to side to kind of slap him. Or, straddle him and glide his penis on your clitoris to create pleasure for both of you. Adding texture and variety to contrast the in and out, will entice him to enjoy your coreplay moves even more.

Ring hold combo

A mouth provides this lovely warm, smooth chamber of goodness for a man’s penis, but sometimes a man needs things stepped up a notch. A great finishing move is to use the focused pressure of a ring hold slowly surging up the shaft. Warm him up with your mouth, by establishing  a good rhythm with your mouth. Play around and have some fun. When you get close, hold the base of his penis with just your index finger and thumb making a ring around his penis. At the right time, slowly follow your mouth with your  hand  and pull a wave of goodness up. Release pressure to take your hand back to the base and start another cycle. Hold your mouth around the head of his penis and use your ring hold up to ripple to the top.

Final Thoughts

Five ideas to spur on your imagination as you discover what he enjoys. Pausing to swirl, skipping a beat, suckling his testicles, banging him around a bit and creating a surge with a ring hold. Anyone else have ideas to share. Keep it respectful and don’t personalize it. For example…. “Some men like  ….”

How to Make Oral Sex Luxurious for Your Wife

Oral Sex can be one of the most luxurious ways for a husband to love his wife. Far from the challenges of calloused hands, his mouth can tune into her body in some of the most intimate ways. Though I’ve written some other articles on how to love your wife with oral sex, I want to focus on ways a husband can really treat his wife. Ways to warm her up and tease her until her body gently tumbles over in pleasure.

A Little Warm Up

Diving into her juicy bits before she is ready can feel abrupt, and almost shocking. It is like climbing straight into a hot tub without letting your body acclimate. At first it almost hurts, even though eventually it will feel amazing.

Spend time warming her up by spreading coconut oil around her inner thighs, her mound and outer lips. With slow languid strokes, get the blood flowing. Adore her body, and help her relax to your presence and your touch before  using your mouth on her.

Tease Her

When you begin to use your mouth, don’t just dive into stroking her clitoris. You wouldn’t want her to just dive into focusing full bore on the head of your penis.

Gently tease her by blowing hot air on the insides of her thighs. Swipe the soft tip of your tongue in her sensitive cusps where her outer lips meet her inner thighs. Gently brush her outer lips. Try using feather touches around her inner lips. Linger, play a little bit and take your time. See if you can sense her yearning for more.


Before directly stimulating clitoris, tease it with some really soft gentle swipes across it with your tongue. You could swipe left to right with a short pause, and slowly repeat several times left to right. You could swipe bottom to top and as you pass over the clitoris, lighten the pressure so that it just barely grazes.  You could slowly circle around it and once in a while go off course. You could make a rectangle around her entire vulva and as you cross her clitoris, lighten the pressure so that you just barely graze it. Help her clitoris to wake up and want to be touched. Enjoy the quivers as her body comes to life.

Think Luxurious

When she’s finally ready, soften your wide flat tongue and encompass her with slow languid stroke. Rather focusing on getting her to progress, simply take her in and enjoy her body to the fullest. Think about feeling her instead of just rubbing her.

Gradually work toward establishing a consistent base rhythm so her body can get in sync and begin to anticipate excitement. Decide on a theme move that you will return to repeatedly as you keep the tempo steady.

Add some sparkles of interest to heighten her awareness and keep her body interested. Surprise her with light touches, taps, or brushes. But return to your luxurious theme again and again until you are ready to let her go.

The Finish

When she is close, stay steady as a rock. Let it come to her and with a gentle confidence, escort her over the edge. Hold her securely as her body lets go. She might want you to stay completely still, or to gently urge her toward completion as her body releases. Even if you have to move away from her clitoris, hold and stay connected to her.


Setting the Mood with Foreign Music

Music can be a great way to set the mood for sex. From the crazy, I don’t give a ______ attitude of rock and roll, to the smooth tunes of Jazz. Music can transport us to other places and different attitudes in a second. It provides a beat and a pace that we can move our bodies to. Music can help us relax. and breath deeply or it can encourage us to get a little wild and let loose. But until I discovered foreign music, I sometimes felt distracted by  the words in the songs.

When I used to listen to music with words during sex, I would sometimes catch myself feeling distracted. All of a sudden I am laying there singing along until I think, “what the heck am I doing?” So I limited myself to Jazz or classical, and I just felt like I was missing out. That was until I discovered how amazing foreign music is.

While staying in Mexico, my husband turned on the tv station to some kind of MTV channel in Spanish. We needed to create a little white noise in the hotel room. What we discovered was pretty awesome. With the lyrics sung in Spanish, I could not understand a word they said, but I certainly could imagine it. While understanding the words might have distracted me, or even felt uncomfortable with some of the modern lyrics, I just soaked up the mood it created. The music communicated sensuality and  created a mysterious foreign ambiance, free of distraction and packed with ambiance.

The romantic beautiful languages of Spanish and Italian offer no shortage of inspiration to help you connect to your sensuality. They create a playful way to change things up, transport yourself to a different land and even be someone new. Who knows, maybe I will check out belly dancing music next.

What kind of music do you use to set the mood?

How Valuable is Great Sex to You?

Recently a woman that facilitated the video class remarked that I really ought to consider raising the price of the class. She was a professional online class developer and felt shocked at how good the class was for the cost. The resources provided, the teaching and the transformation that she witnessed seemed worth a lot more then $10. She thought that if I charged more, people would sign up because they would realize just how valuable and powerful the class is.


Maybe she’s right and I am a fool, but I don’t want to raise the price. I keep the price low because I consider Awaken-Love a ministry. When I started teaching classes, I didn’t do it to make money. I teach classes because God has called me to help others. The other teachers donate their time and so do facilitators. Honestly, I don’t want women to think we are trying to convince them to take the class, just so that we can make a few bucks.

You may have noticed that I don’t have affiliate links, pop-ups or advertisements on my blog. Though I am not an official non-profit, my heart is to do ministry. My husband has blessed me by making it possible for me to spend my time helping others. My church has blessed Awaken-Love by funding production of the women’s video class, the engaged class, and this December the Men’s Edition. God has provided and I trust that He will continue to provide.

How Valuable is a $10 Investment in Your Sex Life?

  1. Access to 6 professionally produced videos that you can watch as many times as you want over the 120 days. You can watch them during class, review later, or show your husband as many times as you want. The Biblically based videos cultivate conversation, challenge old ideas and spur on growth. Weekly discussions include a section of Song of Songs and mixer questions to help get participants talking.
  2. By email you will receive daily articles coordinated with class topics. The Christian articles keep sex on your mind, will spur on your creativity and push your boundaries. I want to show the world of possibilities that God gives us.
  3. Wives receive 4 secret husband’s homework assignments by email that they can forward on to their husbands. The husbands homework helps men to feel involved and learn things to help their wife on this journey.
  4. All class participants receive access to a pdf file of the detailed curriculum for printing. The curriculum includes notes from each week, reading assignments, hands on application homework and questions to ponder. Also included are a list of suggested resources for continued growth and reading.
  5. Class facilitators receive access to additional guides to help them lead a class. We provide examples of invitations, and marketing material to help get the ball rolling. We equip you with a short training video, a general guide that explains everything you need to know , and week by week detail sheets.
  6. Access to me by email to answer any questions or fix technical glitches.

Not a bad package for just $10 a person.

In fact if you compare it to other online classes it is an absolute steal.

Recently I received this email from a video class facilitator...

Wow…we had an awesome time of sharing, tears and prayer last night. Such a privilege and an honor to help each other in this area. You and Melanie deal with these issues so respectfully and gently and i love how you always bring it back to God and who he is and who we are in him. 

Over and over I hear back from women that courageously host an Awaken-Love video class about how valuable the class was, for their own marriage but also for their friends that they shared the experience. Though the Awaken-Love Class was developed for groups of women because healing takes place in community, if you want to sign up on your own, or with your husband, go ahead. Maybe the next time, you will bring a friend along for the ride.

How valuable was the Awaken-Love class for you and what would you say to someone thinking about taking it?