When Life Turns Upside Down

In May, I woke up excited to spend the day playing with my 5-month-old grandson. At lunch I felt a little achy, and by the afternoon I resorted to laying on the couch. That evening, my fever finally confirmed that I was sick. But it wasn’t until a couple of days later that my life turned upside down.

The next morning, I woke up feeling like I’d been hit by a Mack truck. Gingerly I walked down stairs, feverish and achy. When my husband came to great me with a hug, I forcefully exclaimed, “DON’T TOUCH ME!” I felt awful. Yes, I had normal flu like symptoms, but over riding any normal discomfort, my mouth was a nightmare. I had sores on my tongue, my lips, the roof of my mouth, my throat and my gums felt like they were on fire. The pain in my mouth felt excruciating.

For 2 days I laid on the couch, trying to rest and let my body heal. Everything hurt. Getting sustenance involved swallowing a few bites of bland soft food followed by a desperate rinse of water to calm the pain. With my lymph glands swollen and no end in sight, I finally dragged myself to urgent care to find some answers.

After hearing my symptoms and taking a look in my mouth, I am guessing that the doctor immediately new my diagnosis, but I was not in the least bit prepared.

Herpes

As my mind raced, she gently explained, “we’ll test you to make sure, but you most likely are having a herpes outbreak. The first outbreak, you can get pretty sick with flu like symptoms and sores in your mouth. If you have more outbreaks, they won’t be near as severe, just the typical symptom of an open sore around the outside of your lips or nose….”

HERPES.

How is that possible? I’ve been married to the same man for 34 years.

HERPES!

Incurable. What I learned about in health class. Using condoms. I will always have it. I could pass it to my husband, my kids, my grandson. Herpes. What the HECK!

In that moment, my life turned upside down. I felt like I had just been given a diagnosis of Leprosy, I became the untouchable. With my body currently filled with high levels of the virus, life changed in an instant. No more sharing beverages, or tasting someone else’s desert. My husband stepped in to cook and serve our meals, while I quietly took care of the dirty dishes. Afraid that I might kiss my grandson by accident, I chose not to hold him for a while and watch him from afar.

My official diagnosis was Type 1 Herpes – the type typically spread by kissing, or sharing a tooth brush, or utensil, and resulting in sores around the mouth.  But these days, with sexual practices like oral sex, type 1 Herpes can also spread to the genitals.

I retreated from physical touch with my husband to empower him to make choices about his exposure to the virus. Hand holding stopped. Kissing became non-existent. Sex stopped. We had things to consider. Instead of the freedom we had enjoyed, sex might now require careful protection to prevent spreading the virus.  He felt angry, guilty and afraid. I felt dirty and abandoned. It was a dark time.

The Basics

I have no idea where I picked up Herpes.  Two thirds of the world’s population carry Herpes -1 and most of them were exposed during childhood. I might have had herpes all along and something triggered an outbreak. Or maybe I picked it up from a server at a restaurant. Regardless of how I got herpes, I now have it, and the question becomes how do I continue to live while protecting my family from this highly contagious virus.

Now I am going to pause right here, and acknowledge that many, many people have herpes – whether type 1 or type 2. For you, herpes might be a huge struggle, or, herpes might not be a big deal because it has always just been part of your life. I don’t want to judge your journey, or make you feel like it is a bigger deal than it is. I just want to share my story and acknowledge that for many of us herpes is a part of our life.

Whether we struggle constantly with outbreaks, or we never have another one, Herpes does not go away. We can reduce the risk of passing on the virus, but we cannot guarantee that we will not spread it to the people we love. Online information about living with herpes recommends things like always using a condom during sex or oral sex.

Yes, life goes on after a diagnosis, but life does not remain the same. In an instant, life changes and we are forced to have hard conversations, make adjustments, and to grieve the life we left behind.

Final Thoughts

You may not face a herpes diagnosis, but most of us will face at time when it feels like  your life just turned upside down. You might face a diagnosis of breast cancer, arthritis, diabetes, heart disease or some other health issue. Or maybe you finally wake up to the fact that you must battle an alcohol, porn or drug addiction in your marriage. A job change, moving to a new home, or a car accident can send you spinning. Even caring for a prodigal child, special needs child or elderly parents can add huge challenges to intimacy in marriage. Many things can test our commitment to intimacy and a great sex life in marriage.

One of my husband’s favorite verses is James 1:2-3 which says,   When troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 

Even thought my diagnosis of herpes feels like my life turned upside down, I am not giving up. I know that God is going to grow my husband and me through the hard. Life will be different but God has a plan and He is good.

I just want you to know that you are not alone.

(This is first of a 3 part series)

 

Married Sex Online Conference

It is not too late to sign up for the online Married Sex Conference.  Over 25 Christian leaders are joining forces to speak life into your marriage and your sex life. You can listen the talks at your convenience for an entire year, and you will receive a free hard copy of Gary Thomas’s and Debra Fileta’s new book Married Sex. Use code: MARRIEDSEX10 at checkout, to get 10% off the regular admission price

Sign up Now

Equipping Pastors to Talk About SEX

During my years of teaching men and women about sex, I’ve often thought, I would love the opportunity to speak to pastors about what I’ve learned in classes. Most pastors want to help marriages, but many of them may not understand the impact of their silence, awkwardness, or messages. Many of the resources that they’ve looked to for direction in the area of sexuality are skewed towards men and ignorant about the needs of women. So, when the opportunity to record classes that address the topic of sexuality in order to equip pastors came up this summer, I jumped at it.

Mini Courses

I’ve been preparing for a couple of months now and have outlined 3 Mini Courses. Each course has 9 separate topics and I will create a 12-15 minute video for each topic – a total of 27 topics.  Filming takes place this week on Thursday, Friday and Saturday I will teach 2 course live to a group.  Though I am super excited, I know that I have a lot on my plate.

My 3 Courses are

  • Understanding God’s Design for Sex
  • Opening Up the Conversation of Sex in the Church
  • 9 Messages the Church Needs to Hear About Sex.

Here’s a small preview of one of the courses…

9 Messages the Church Needs to Hear About Sex – both corporately and individually.

  1. Our Sexuality Should Always Lead Back to God
  2. God Created Sex for Wives as Much as Husbands
  3. God Wants to Provide Healing – Even in the Area of Sexuality
  4. Simple Answers About Sexuality Don’t Always Exist – Equip and Challenge God’s Involvement
  5. We all Need to Acknowledge Our Own Challenges Addressing Sex
  6. God Never Intended Sex to Become a Duty
  7. Creating an Amazing Sex Life that Lasts a Lifetime Does Not Just Happen – It Takes Hard Work
  8. Porn is a Huge Problem That Must Be Faced Head On – We Battle Porn with Intimacy
  9. We Need to Stop Pointing Fingers at Others – Is Your Marriage Something that Others Want to Emulate?

Eventually I hope to spend time breaking down some of the topics in blogs. But the Mini Course videos will also be available to equip pastors and lay people at Christian Leaders Institute  for Free.

Equipping and teaching pastors is both a huge privilege and a giant responsibility. I am praying that God would give me energy and passion and that the stories I share will communicate God’s truth .

Will you please pray for me as I encourage pastors to step into speaking truth about sex. Will you pray for soft hearts to hear the message and courage to take up the torch?

Wives

Join me for 6 weeks of transformation by signing up for an Awaken Love Class. Check out my schedule for zoom and in person classes.

Married Sex Conference

Don’t forget to sign up for the online Married Sex Conference. They have an AMAZING line up of Christian speakers that you can listen to for an entire year, and you will receive a free  hard copy of Gary Thomas’s and Debra Fileta’s new book Married Sex.

Use code: MARRIEDSEX10 at checkout, to get 10% off the regular admission price

Sign up Now

Here I Am Again

It always feels awkward to start writing after being absent for so long.

I could blame it all on Covid, but honestly, I was about at the breaking point anyway. I needed to just breath a bit – to have the freedom to struggle in my own marriage and sex life without feeling like I needed to write about it, or glean some deep understanding to share. Truthfully, I am just like you. A broken person that sometimes struggles with sex and marriage: that becomes self-righteous, critical, demanding, and darn right nasty.

This Spring I really scared myself. I got so angry at my husband that I suddenly didn’t know who I was. With tears streaming down my face I remember thinking afterward, “that is not who I am, and not who I want to be!” How in the world did I get here?

You don’t need to know the details. What you need to know is that I am reaching out for help. Because what boiled out of me in those moments of anger was not just about my husband. I have wounds deep in my soul that need healing and I will not miss this opportunity. So I am diving into some really hard work and I have no doubt that God is going to meet me in the middle of my mess.

Awaken Love Ministry

As far as Awaken Love, I have been wrestling with what God wants. Marriage ministry can feel overwhelming. Sometimes I feel completely inadequate, other times I feel so sure of God’s calling in my life. Keeping my heart soft to hear peoples hard stories while not carrying their burden requires constant surrender to God. Though I know that Awaken Love is important ministry, I cannot and will not continue without God’s blessing and protection.

A couple of months ago, I wasn’t sure I would ever write about sex again, and now here I am. Though I won’t make any promises about how often I will blog, or what I will write about, it does feel good to put my thoughts… my feelings…. my life… to pen.

What God gives me and breathes into me, I share with you. And so even though it feels a little terrifying, here I am again.

Now for Some Exciting Awaken Love News!

I am so excited to be part of the AMAZING line up of Christian Speakers, Authors, and Pastors  for the ONLINE conference Married Sex.

Check out some of the topics you’ll hear covered at the conference:

  • How to Prioritize Sex in Busy Seasons — Levi and Jennie Lusko
  • How to WOW Your Spouse: Sexual techniques, tips, and tricks — Ruth Buezis
  • Awesome Sex For a Lifetime! — Dr. Kim Kimberling
  • Dealing with a High Drive vs. Low Drive Spouse — Dr. Corey Allan
  • How Porn Impacts Marriage — Dave & Ashley Willis
  • A Great Sex Life in the Stage of Raising Young Kids! — Cait & Cole Zick
  • How Your Past Bagagge Impacts Your Sex Life, and How to Break Free- Lisa & John Bevere
  • Why God Says Sex is Good – Christine Caine
  • The Five Senses of Sex – Gary Thomas
  • Your Sex Problem Might Be a Relationship Problem IF… – Debra Fileta
  • AND SO MUCH MORE
Full of comprehensive, practical, and helpful resources we want to help you create the sex life you want. Access the material for an entire year on your own schedule, and walk away with a solid understanding and renewed appreciation for married sex – God’s way!

Zoom Awaken Love Classes Offered Soon!

Zoom Classes with Ruth Coming in January

If you have always wished you could take an Awaken Love class, now is your chance. This January, I am hosting classes over zoom so that anyone in the world can join.  Classes will be kept to a maximum size of 12 participants so don’t wait to sign up.

Learn God’s truth, strengthen your marriage and transform the culture of sex in the church starting from the ground up.

 

Awaken Love for Wives

Tuesday Lunch Time meeting Jan 5, 12, 19, 26, Feb 2, 9 from 12:30 – 2:00 pm US central time.

Or

Wednesday Night meeting Jan 6, 13, 20, 27, Feb 3, 10 from 7:00 0 8:30 pm US central time.

Cost of 6 classes is $20, plus buy your own copy of Awaken Love on Amazon. Email Ruth at ruth.awakenlove@gmail.com to sign up and get the special registration link,

To learn more about classes go to Awaken Love for Wives.

 

Men’s Edition

Wednesday nights meeting Feb 17, 24, March 3, 10, 17, 24 from 7:00-8:30 US central time

Cost of class is $20. Email Ruth at ruth.awakenlove@gmail.com to sign up.

To learn more about classes go to Men’s Edition

Zoom – Taking Awaken Love Classes Online

Recently I offered my first Awaken Love class for wives on Zoom. To be honest, I wasn’t super excited about it, because I love teaching in person. I had a hard time imagining how we could create the same safe environment to share, encourage and pray for one another over a computer screen. But I was pleasantly surprised. Using Zoom for class created a terrific way to connect personally while maintaining a certain degree of anonymity. Class was fun, rewarding, and trans formative for the women. More importantly, using zoom will make Awaken Love available to more women around the world.

Already I am planning to start another 6 week Awaken Love Zoom class on Wednesday May 27th. So if you are interested check out the details and send me an email to sign up. I am looking forward to meeting wives from all over the world that want to create an amazing sex life with their husband.

If you want to know more about how a Zoom class works, then read on…

Zoom Class

The first night of Zoom class, introductions quickly disclosed a fun diversity to our Minnesota core of women – Alabama, Texas, Carolina and even Australia joined in. In our group of 11, marriages ranged from a few months to over 30 years.  Some women wanted a fresh start, others were in the middle of rebuilding, some struggled to hang on, and others were finally ready to work on their sex life after ignoring it for years.

How it Worked

To maximize class time, we focused on discussion to help create community. I asked the women to watch the Awaken Love videos before each class to get the bulk of the teaching. During class we talked our way through Song of Songs, each shared our answers to the mixer questions, and checked in on our progress.

Teaching focused on the main content and deeper insights. I tried to leave time and space for questions beyond the scope of the curriculum. Every one participated and the women quickly became more comfortable sharing about their own situations while searching for answers. For these women, talking with other Christian women with a degree of anonymity over Zoom helped bring freedom.

The most rewarding part of class has been hearing and seeing how God is working. I am always shocked at the overall transformation of the group after just a few weeks. One wife started class critical of her husband but gradually softened. She now chooses to affirm the small ways her husband is trying. Another wife with past sexual abuse is experiencing increased intimacy with her husband during sex. A woman that carried years of shame recognizes she needs to forgive herself for her lost innocence. The changes in the women are visible and though some might not notice, I see their transformation both individually and as a community of women in Christ. They talk easier, linger longer, and their hope is evident. Small step of change that happen when we intentionally take a step can spur on radical transformation.

Moving Forward

With only one week left, already the women are asking about next steps to continue the journey. Many great resources exist to help, Christian sex blogs like Hot Holy and Humorous, The Forgiven Wife, Intimacy in Marriage, Oysterbed7 or Podcasts like Java with Juli, Sexy Marriage Radio or One Extraordinary Marriage. But women also need to cultivate a supportive community, and thus the importance of facilitating an Awaken Love video class with friends.

I constantly hear testimonies of how Awaken Love has impacted women because a friend dared to facilitate a video class. Around the Twin Cities, many women have heard about Awaken Love and hosting classes. In other a areas, a few dedicated women constantly host classes because they have witnessed the transformation.

If you have never taken a class and want to know what Awaken Love is like in a group, join me for a Zoom class. You will not regret the time you invest in your marriage because we all have things to learn and areas to grow. Catch the vision and don’t miss out. Only 12 seats available!

Understanding Connection During Sex

Recently a friend asked how to make sex better. She said, “We both know how to enjoy sex, but sometimes it feels like we are worlds apart. How do we actually connect during sex?” I’ve written a lot about connection during sex, because I believe that is ultimately what we want, and what God intended. But step by step instructions don’t really work for something like connection. In fact, step by step instructions might make matters worse. Nobody can teach you how to connect. You have to feel your way there. But finding parallels can provide understanding and open us up to new avenues. Your relationship with God provides the most powerful road map to the sex life that you want.

Just think about your prayer life…

Self-Focused

When we learn to pray, we spend most of our time talking. Letting God know our needs, what we are struggling with, asking Him for help, or praying for people that we care about. The conversation is self-focused because life revolves around us. Even the act of prayer happens out of our desire to be righteous. We pray because we should and because we have been taught it is good for us.

Beginning to Listen

Eventually we begin to understand that the world doesn’t just revolve around us. We begin to listen to God as much as talk to Him. God has things to speak into our lives, to encourage us, to challenge us, and even to convict us. Prayer is not just an important thing to do to be a good person. Prayer is a life line that fills us up, comforts us and teaches us. We begin to understand that prayer is not just good for us. Prayer changes us.

Connection

As we pursue Christ, we eventually move from talking and listening, to just being. We sit in the presence of God and marvel in His glory. We feast in His goodness. Freed from having to do something, ask questions, or learn, we can simply be with Him. Though we might not talk, and he might not say a word, a gentle, indescribable knowing happens. He knows you, He delights in you, and that brings joy.

What About Sex?

The progression of sex happens in much the same way.

We start by worrying about ourselves or our performance. We want sex to be great both for ourselves and our partner so our thoughts of what we should or shouldn’t do over ride our connection. We are on the quest for the perfect technique, the best orgasm,  and the magic formula – all the while missing out on the simple pleasures of the moment. In the midst of such busyness, do we even see or feel our lover?

Eventually we wake up and learn to listen to our spouse. The myth of us naturally knowing what to do shattered, we seek answers from the source. Communication increases, both verbal and non-verbal and we tune into each others clues for direction. We must re-acclimate to the tug and pull of listening to our spouse and still hearing our own desires. Neither one more important, but both valued.

Eventually we move beyond just fulfilling each other’s needs to find thrill and excitement from just being with each other. Connection creates as much excitement as mechanics. To suddenly realize that your spouse sees into the deepest crevice of  your soul both terrifies and thrills. It is not just the orgasm that produces such pleasure, but the knowing of the one you share it with.

Final Thoughts

Connection requires trust, self-knowledge, the ability to hear from each other, learn from one other, and vulnerability. But connection does not happen when you are still wrapped up in getting to the finish line, or providing the most magical experience for your spouse. Connection happens when you dare to be still together, courageously open yourself, see each other, and go somewhere together.

How have you discovered connection during sex?

I have a zoom Men’s Edition 6 week class that starts tomorrow. We meet Thursdays from 7:30- 9:00 pm Central time. If anyone would like to join us, just email me at ruth.awakenlove@gmail.com for more details.

Does Sex Restore Your Soul

It has been a strange couple of weeks filled with highs, lows and acclimating to a new reality. The Coronavirus has changed the way we live and directly impacted thousands of lives. If you are going through really hard things, I pray that God will meet you in the midst and that you will experience a comfort that only comes from Him.  Though my life has not been directly impacted, life in general has felt like a bit of a roller coaster.

Highs

Just three short weeks ago I was coming off of an amazing weekend of sharing about Awaken Love. I had been invited to teach a break out session at a large women’s conference called Set Apart. The conference theme Rest for your Soul inspired the title of my session, “Does Sex Restore Your Soul”.

Women packed my sessions, from wise gray-haired grandmothers to young singles. They came looking for God’s truth and real conversations about sex. After sharing my story, we tackled 6 of the most common lies that make sex feel like a duty – rather than something that restores our soul.

Lies like…

  • Sex is for Men
  • It is all about the destination
  • Sex will magically fall into place
  • We need to protect ourselves from our husband
  • Sex is just physical
  • God may have created sex, but He doesn’t really bless it or want to be involved

These common lies seep into our thinking without us even noticing. They warp what we believe about sex and fool us into missing out on a powerful gift that can transform our marriage from surviving to thriving. When we recognize the lies and understand God’s truth then we can begin to step into a new way of living. You can listen to a recording of the talk below.

In between the session women stopped by my table to grab a copy of my book Awaken Love and to encourage me. Many thanked me for a much needed message in the church. If we are going to get marriage right, then we must start talking about sex.

A New World

Three short weeks later, the world has changed. The coronavirus has shut down all but the essential activities. Many are working from home without church, sports, or dinners out. Our worlds have become smaller as our home and our immediate family fill our nights and days.

We all handle life differently. When the quarantine kicked into gear, I immediately looked for some projects to pour my energy into. When I keep my hands busy, my mind rests easier. Already I am halfway through building a nightstand out of walnut. Next on the docket, building a bigger closet in my bedroom. A classic introvert, as long as my girls are good and my husband is by my side, I can handle anything.

Comfort

During this time, sex has been a comfort, an escape from hard realities and just good entertainment. We have no kids at home, a quiet house, and 24 hours a day together. Though your situation may be different, don’t discount the power of sex to restore your soul.

When you feel exhausted from home schooling, instead of vegging out in front of the tv, climb into bed with your husband and get naked.  After unbearably long days of care-taking, work, or reading the latest news, stop and find comfort in your husband’s arms. When you feel like you might go stir crazy, try something daring that will knock the socks off your spouse. Don’t put sex to the side, make it a priority and see how it can transform you.

As we reel from the sudden change of our reality, don’t miss the opportunity to restore your soul in the simple pleasure of sex with your spouse. God intended sex to be life giving refreshment that can restore your soul.

Zoom Class

If you have always wanted to take an Awaken Love class For Wives with me, I am offering a class using Zoom as a meeting platform. Participants will watch the videos in advance and we will spend our time sharing and discussing what we learned. We meet Monday nights from 7:30 – 9 pm central time starting April 6th. If you are interested, email ruth.awakenlove@gmail.com for more details.

Clitoral, G-Spot and Deep Spot – 3 Pathways to Pleasure

The in and out thrusting of intercourse used to do nothing for more me, besides sometimes make me sore. I felt confused, broken and somehow duped. But as I started to understand more about my body and how it worked, I felt encouraged. Instead of relegating intercourse for my husband’s pleasure, we could transform intercourse to make it more enjoyable for both of us. Understanding the 3 main pathways to orgasm – clitoral, G-Spot and Deep-Spot –  was an important step in cuing into my own pleasure during intercourse.

Understanding your pathways will help you recognize positions, body alignment or movement to provide more pleasure during intercourse. When you recognize how the different orgasms feel as they approach you can lean into your pleasure and chase after it. So if you feel discouraged at just trying harder at the same thing, get ready to open up your idea of what intercourse looks like. Understand your pathways to orgasm and discover something for you.

(What I write is based on my own experiences, the experiences of women that have shared during class, and lots of reading.Although this article could be helpful for anyone, it is part of a series “How to have an orgasm during intercourse”. If you are working towards that goal, please make sure that you read my previous articles/

Clitoral Orgasms

The clitoris provides the main pathway to pleasure for most women. Clitoral orgasms result from stimulation of the clitoris, either directly or indirectly.  For many years, scientists thought the clitoris was just the pearl sized bulb at the meeting of the inner lips. But recent research discovered a structure of legs extending under the outer lips toward the pelvic bones, and with glans on each side of the vagina that engorge with blood during arousal.

For many women, clitoral orgasms feel like the strongest physically. Clearly defined, they are the orgasms that women say, “if you don’t know, then you haven’t had one.” Women sometime wonder why the orgasms they experience during manual or oral stimulation feel stronger than the orgasms they experience during intercourse. Without the movement of intercourse, we can focus clearly on our own pleasure without distraction.

Orgasms from clitoral stimulation are transmitted through the Pudenal nerve system. A clitoral orgasm feels like a pinpointed pleasure causing a collapsing of the body and resulting in a radiating out of pleasure. Commonly you can feel pulsing of the Kegel muscles, vagina or sometimes even the uterus.

Tuning In

If you have never experienced an orgasm from either just manual or oral stimulation of the clitoris, I encourage you to try it. During intercourse so much is happening that you may have a hard time zoning in to what your body experiences. Focus on what it feels like as you approach clitoral orgasm. What impact does your mind have? How does the orgasm feel? Can you understand why the intercourse portrayed in the movies does little to stimulate the clitoris? What positions, movements and pace during intercourse might create the type of stimulation that you need for clitoral orgasm?

G-Spot Orgasms 

G-Spot orgasms, named after Grafenberg, are achieved through firm stimulation of the front wall of the vagina (towards the tummy), 1 -2 inches in from the opening of the vagina. The area can feel like the roof of your mouth when touched. As you get more aroused, a quarter sized soft area can bulge into the vagina. The G-spot is not on the surface of the vagina, but a collection of tissue between the urethra and vagina.

When highly aroused, the G-spot responds to firm stimulation in a “come hither” motion. You can use the pad of a finger, penis or vibrator. Women describe G-spot orgasms as more of a full body experience and not clearly defined or located. Scientists now believe G-spot orgasms are transmitted through a different nerve system – the pelvic and hypogastric nerves. No wonder women have been saying for years that their vaginal orgasms feel different than their clitoral orgasms.

Is G-Spot for You?

Some people debate the existence of the G-spot, and no one can actually prove it. The G-spot is not an organ that you can hold up and say, “here it is”. But if you listen to women describe their experiences, they sound remarkably similar. Women describe the G-spot orgasm as a pushing out, or bearing down of pleasure. They may even push so hard that they literally push out whatever  is in their vagina.

Do all women enjoy G-spot stimulation? Maybe – maybe not…Imagine that you had an area inside of you that had never been touched or stimulated like it wanted. The first time it was touched you thought, “That was weird, I don’t know if I like that.” The next time you thought, “I don’t know, I guess it wasn’t bad.” The next time, “That feels kind of warm” and each time maybe things gets a little more enjoyable as you learn to recognize and anticipate pleasure. Eventually you may even recognize an ache coming from the G-spot as you become aroused during foreplay.

All I am saying is that if you have not experienced any pleasure from G-spot stimulation, don’t completely close that door and decide that you don’t have one. Our bodies change with age and can awaken to new experiences. Once in a while revisit the G-spot and pay attention to new sensations.

The easiest way to stimulate the G-spot is with a finger or two, but you must first be highly aroused. Try getting warmed up with stimulation of the clitoris and then transition to manual stimulation of the G-spot, or go back and forth between the two.

Some women feel the need to urinate as their G-spot becomes aroused. Just make sure to empty your bladder before sex, and then try to relax. Trust your body, trust your husband, push through and you might discover something new. Female Ejaculation sometimes accompanies G-spot stimulation.

Tuning In

Pay attention to what your body feels like as your G-spot becomes aroused. What is your mind doing? What does a G-spot orgasm feel like? Imagine what types of positions and movements during intercourse might create G-spot stimulation? What pace does it like to be stimulated? How can you make tap into this pathway during intercourse?

The Deep Spot

The Deep spot, otherwise known as the A-spot is located deep in the vagina, near the cervix. Less known then the G-Spot, the Deep spot orgasm produces the similar full body response and pushing out of pleasure. Not surprising, the deep spot travels through the same nerve system as the G-spot – the pelvic and hypogastric.

One of the trickiest things about the Deep spot is how close it is to the cervix. Most of us have experienced the bruising pain of banging into the cervix during intercourse. But when our bodies are highly aroused, our vagina balloons out, the uterus tips up rotating the cervix back and we gain better access to the Deep spot. Most women enjoy the tummy side of the cervix, while others love the area behind the cervix.

Some people consider the Deep spot their most reliable way to orgasm during intercourse. In class, a few women acknowledge the deep spot as an orgasm trigger. When couples figure it out, the Deep Spot can create an immediate response when accessed at the right time.

There are websites that claim all women have the deep spot and it is a guaranteed trigger to experience an orgasm. They suggest stimulating the deep spot with the same firm “come hither” motion on the front wall of the vagina but with your middle finger in as far as it can reach. Don’t add more pressure to yourself, but feel the freedom to explore the pathways to pleasure God gave you.

Tuning In

Similar to the G-spot, the Deep spot may be another possibility, another flavor to explore. When you are highly aroused, have your husband travel to the deep spot with the pad of his finger. During intercourse pay attention to sensations during deep penetration. What kind of movements feel good? What is your mind doing? How does it feel? How and when can you access the Deep spot.

3 Pathways to Pleasure

Understanding these 3 pathways – Clitoral, G-spot and Deep spot – can help you tweak sex so that you can experience more pleasure during intercourse. Instead of trying the same thing, what adjustments can you make to try to access the pathway of your pleasure. How can you align your bodies? What pace or motion works best? What can you discover and show your husband?

Part of my journey of enjoying sex has been educating myself about my own body and discovering my pathways to pleasure. It is easy to think that our husbands ought to just magically find all of our sweet spots, but I am not sure that is true. I had to spend time exploring new areas and waking my body up. In order to focus on new sensations, without pressure but with thankfulness, I needed to test the waters.  Not all orgasms feel the same and I believe we have more to learn. Don’t limit what you experience because you cannot even dream that it can happen. Discover your pathways to orgasm and think about how to make these part of intercourse.

Pathways to pleasure

Train Your Body to Become More Responsive During Sex

Culture teaches that great sex just happens naturally. So, when a woman’s body does not respond during intercourse, it is easy for her to feel broken or defective. If we can hold back the shame, in time we will realize that God created women with amazing bodies that can learn to respond sexually in countless ways. With practice, hard work and courage we can discover new things. We can’t just try the same things over and over. We must train our body to be more flexible in how and what we respond to so that our body learns to enjoy different types of love making – even intercourse.

Learned Response

Orgasm is a learned response to what your body finds enjoyable.  If you aren’t familiar with your own body, it may take time to wake up. In the beginning you may feel nervous or self-conscious, and sexual stimulation might not feel amazing. But the more you create positive experiences, the more you anticipate good things and the faster your body responds.  So be patient, push yourself to try new things, create positive experiences and build on what you learn.

Just like playing different songs on the piano takes practice, so does responding sexually. If you practiced chop sticks an hour every day for a year, you would get very good at chop sticks, but you would struggle to play any other song. To play piano well you must practice different scales, different songs, different tempos and different styles. Eventually accomplished piano players can become so proficient that they no longer depend on the music, but can freely create a full range of expressions.

Train Your Body

One of the most interesting secular books that I have read on having an orgasm during intercourse is “How to have an orgasm…as often as you want.” by Rachel Swift. After years of frustration over her lack of response during intercourse, she developed a program to train her body to become more flexible in its response. She teaches her body to respond to different simulations, in different positions, and different locations.  Eventually her body becomes so flexible to what it will respond to that even the stimulation during intercourse will cause her to orgasm every time.

I don’t necessarily agree with her training program, but her experience backs up the principle that women’s bodies can learn new things. If God designed sex as a way to get to know each other, maybe we have a lot to discover together. Some of the concepts might help us experience more during sex.  So, let’s look at this whole concept of training our bodies.

Practice Often

Just like playing the piano, you must practice and practice often. If you are only having sex once a week, then you basically start over every week – nervous, anxious and wondering how you will respond. When you have sex often (my definition of sex is broad – not just intercourse), your mind can relax and your body begin to recognize places that it has been before and enjoyed. The more your body anticipates positive experiences, the quicker it responds. If you want to make progress towards becoming more responsive, then you need to have sex often.

Expand our Flexibility

In order to expand our flexibility, we need to train our bodies to enjoy new sensations. Rather than sticking with what worked previously, change it up. If you enjoy manual stimulation a certain way, then change it up. Try a different motion or pace. Try indirect touch instead of direct touch. Have him touch you through your clothes or with the palm of his hand instead of his fingers.  Use a soft object or his penis to touch your vulva. Be patient because it takes time for your body to learn new things. Stay relaxed, pay attention to what starts to become enjoyable and keep practicing until you get there. Thank God for every new sensation that you experience and enjoy the journey as God opens up new pathways to orgasm.

Different Positions

So much of intercourse is related to the positions that we use. To move towards having an orgasm during intercourse, practice manual or oral stimulation in different positions. Can you orgasm kneeling as if you were straddling your husband? Can you orgasm on your side, when you are spooning? Are you able to orgasm standing up? Train your body to respond to manual stimulation in these positions to increase the chances of responding during intercourse. Could we even learn to like different positions by creating positive experiences?

Quick Response

Could I train my body to respond quickly when I wanted to? Sometimes I think I hold off orgasm simply because I want to enjoy sex longer.What if I knew that I only had a couple of minutes before we would be interrupted? Could my body kick into gear? Could I train my body to jump into hyper-drive because we had limited time? Imagine the fun scenarios we could dream up when time was of the essence? Maybe we have more control over our orgasms than we think.

Final Thoughts

Some of us have resigned ourselves to a sex life of limited possibilities. Your body has the capacity to learn new things – even when it comes to your sexuality. If you want sex to improve then think about how you can train your body to become more flexible in its response. Imagine positive experiences to create anticipation for pleasure. Practice new things until they become easy.  Train your body to respond with different stimulation, in different positions or with limited time. God’s created sex to get to know each other. When you stretch yourself and learn new things, you get to know each other in new ways. Enjoy learning new things together and you might discover that the journey is just as enjoyable as the destination.

Rewritten from original post Flexibility Training for Orgasms  on 3/8/2015

Conversations to Improve Intercourse

I don’t think great sex just happens. Real life is not like the movies where he confidently takes you in his arms, desire inflames your body, and intercourse simultaneously takes both of you to the moon and back. Great sex happens because you muster enough courage to talk about your needs and desires, and can hear and honor your spouse’s needs and desires. If you want to make intercourse more pleasurable, then it will require you to have some hard conversations. You must talk about where you are at, what you would like to try, let him know how he can help, and prepare with back-up plans.

Getting Honest

Our husband cannot always tell if we finish during intercourse, especially if we let our bodies become aroused enough to possibly orgasm. If you want intercourse to improve, then you have to be honest with him about everything – even whether you finished.

Your husband might already know you don’t orgasm during intercourse, but the two of you have never really spoken about it. Or maybe your husband thinks you finish every time because sometimes you do, and he can’t really tell the difference when you don’t. Or maybe you’ve gotten into the habit of faking it in order to give him permission to finish. Either way, if you want to improve intercourse, you need to share the truth.

Hard conversations about sex probably shouldn’t take place in the bedroom, or right after sex. Find a neutral location when both of you are rested to approach the topic.

The conversation might go something like this…

“When we have intercourse, I love feeling close to you, and I love feeling you inside of me. Even though I thoroughly enjoy it, I don’t always finish. I wish it was simpler for me, but sometimes my body is just tricky. It is nothing that you do, for most women sex just isn’t that easy. I am still learning how my body works and what feels good. I want to be honest with you, because I want to work toward making intercourse amazing for both of us. I need to know that you care, that you can handle knowing the truth and that you will work with me to make things even better.”

Taking Charge

In order to figure out what feels really good during intercourse we need to have the freedom to control the movement, the tempo and the progression. Probably the easiest way, is for you to climb on top and straddle him. In this position, you can adjust the angle, linger in certain areas, and align different body parts. You can also control the tempo of stimulation and the pace that things progress.  Don’t be afraid to take charge.

The idea that we are supposed to just lay back while our husband gives us an orgasm is a lie. Our husband moves likes he wants to in order to orgasm during intercourse. We have permission to do the same.

The conversation might sound something like this….

In order to figure out what feels really good to me, I need to try some new things. I’d like to try being on top and have you just lay still while I move and experiment. I need the freedom to do this from time to time so that I can reinforce and revisit things that feel good.”

His Support

Your husband can make a world of difference by being your rock and your cheerleader. When things don’t go as hoped, his loving assurances can keep you from giving up. If you feel discouraged, he can remind you of how much you’ve learned and grown. When you become frustrated and need a break, he can take you to other places. Tell him how he can help you. He wants to be your hero.

The conversation might sound something like this…

“If I give up, I need you to take care of me. I need you to let me know that you care. I need you to remind me of the progress that I am making and the new things that we are learning together. “

Remove the Pressure

In order to take the pressure off both of you, you need a plan B; a way for you to finish if you don’t orgasm during intercourse. Just because he has an orgasm, does not mean that sex must be over.

There are a couple of reasons a plan B is so important. First, you do not want to set up a pattern of disappointment by leaving your body hanging time after time. Soon your body will begin to expect disappointment and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Second, you want to enjoy what is going on instead of worrying. If your husband is lying there thinking, “Am I going to last long enough?”, and you are thinking, “Am I going to make it?”, then are you really connecting? Give yourself the freedom to be present and enjoy the new sensations you experience together without worrying about disappointment.

So what does a plan B look like….

Come up with a way for you to finish after he has an orgasm, even if he’s getting sleepy. It might mean finishing yourself with your hands while he holds you or plays with your breasts. It might mean pulling out a vibrator and having him hold it for you. He might want to use his hands or mouth on you.  The key is not shutting yourself down because you didn’t finish during intercourse. It is not too much work, time, or trouble. You are absolutely worth it, so enjoy it.

The conversation outside of the bedroom might sound something like…

“I want to work towards having an orgasm during intercourse, but I know that won’t always happen. It’s hard when I am left hanging, and I find myself worrying during sex instead of enjoying it. Can we come up with a way for me to finish, even after you’re done, so we both can enjoy sex. Maybe you could finish me with your hands, or your mouth, or a vibrator.”

Then you need to come up with simple phrases that you can use after intercourse to let him know you are not done.

For example…

“Can we keep going?”

“Want to get the bullet?”

“Hold my breasts while I finish.”

Or if it’s too hard for you to ask in the moment, then challenge him to ask. Maybe every time you have sex, he expectantly asks,

Want to keep going?”

Having a Plan B will revolutionize your sex life. Instead of worrying, you will have the freedom to play, experiment, connect with each other and enjoy the journey. When you don’t worry about the finish line, you discover amazing new things.

Getting Started

The hard conversations we had about sex were the catalyst for huge changes in our marriage bed.  We spent years having sex without really being able to talk about anything. Our first step of getting comfortable talking about sex, was a reading a sex book out loud to each other. Pick up a copy of Awaken Love to read together and spend time discussing what you are learning. It even has discussion questions after each chapter that will help you dig deeper. Once you can talk about sex, you can move towards some of the harder conversations to improve intercourse.

Whether or not you have an orgasm during intercourse, make it an intimate, pleasurable time of connection for both of you. When you can have honest conversations about sex without getting prickly, there is no limit to what you can discover.

Next time – Flexibility Training

Rewritten from original post of “Talk about Sex?” from 3/8/2015

conversations about intercourse