clusters of grapesSong of Songs 7:8

May your breasts be like clusters of grapes on the vine,

Sometimes I think my husband is more interested in my breasts than in any other part of my body. They capture his eyes and entice his hands and he is fascinated by them.

But breasts are tricky. What can feel great one day can feel painful the next. Breasts change dramatically with monthly hormonal cycles, pregnancy and nursing. During high estrogen cycles like ovulation, early pregnancy or menopause adjustments, the nipples can be painfully tender.

How you handle her breasts communicates a lot.

Do you respect her desires without pouting or getting defensive? Can you tell when her nipples are sensitive or even painful? Do you treat her with tenderness and care?  Do you understand when her identity is stretched as a provider of sustenance to an infant? Do you adore a part of her body that in many ways defines her femininity? Do you devour her when she wants to be devoured?

Though every woman is different, I am going to stick my neck out and try to give you some clues on ways to approach and handle your wife’s breasts.



Song of Song 7:2

Your navel is a rounded goblet
    that never lacks blended wine.

glass of red wine

Did you know that the vagina has the same pH as red wine?

Are you awed that a vagina can stretch enough for a baby to pass thru and can also shrink to snugly hug a man’s penis?

A woman’s vagina is amazing but most men know very little about it.



What follows are step by step instructions on getting to know your wife’s vulva.  The goal is not to bring her to orgasm but to learn what feels good.

Song of Songs 6:2-3

My beloved has gone down to his garden,
    to the beds of spice


Your Wife’s Insecurities

Sharing her body with you is probably the most vulnerable thing your wife will do. She must feel safe and know that you will respect any wish that she has – without question or disappointment. She may not be comfortable letting you explore all of her, but to the extent that she does, your response will determine whether she gives you another try. Think about what attitude you would want your wife to have if she ever explored your penis. Verbally affirm her during and after the experience to let her know how much you loved it. Be amazed, awed, intrigued and blessed.

To approach your wife, simply tell her that you have been learning about the female body, and you would like to spend time getting to know her, because her body is the only one that matters. Tell her that you will be gentle, and she can tell you to stop or pause whenever she wants. Tell her you want her to tell you if anything is uncomfortable or what might feel better.


Getting to Know Your Wife’s Body

orchidYour wife has an amazing body that is capable of endless possibilities but can seem overwhelming and nonsensical to understand. If you are not careful, you might miss many of the small nuances that make your wife’s body special. The next few weeks, I will attempt to demystify the female body. We will spend time talking about her anatomy, how it likes to be touched, and suggest some ways to get to know her.

First we go down to the garden – that hidden, mysterious valley than can seem oh so confusing. Certainly her body is not as defined and visibly obvious as your penis, but with focus you will learn some amazing things.


DO’S AND DON’TS – To Help Your Wife Have a Sexual Awakening

More than once a husband has emailed asking the question,

“How do I help my wife to have a sexual awakening?”

We probably ought to start by talking about how I would define a sexual awakening.

SEXUAL AWAKENING – waking up to God’s truth and design for sex within marriage that leads to a freedom and desire to live in that fullness.

As with anything, you cannot change your spouse, but you can strive to be a positive influence in their life. The best thing you can do is love your wife as Christ loved the church – that mean selflessly, unconditionally, sacrificially. It is not a small challenge, but it is what God called you to do. If you are man enough to take that on – than continue reading because here are some ways to help your wife combat the stereotypes and messages that she may believe about men or sex.



Sometimes a woman needs just a little something extra but doesn’t exactly know what. Intercourse feels sooo good, but we are just not quite there. A thumb might be just the trick.

When you have intercourse in the Woman on Top position, your husband can rest his thumb against your clitoris.  Or he can hold it just below to provide the little bit of tension or awareness you need.


THE PLAY BOOK – Learning to have Great Sex

Learning to have great sex is not all that different from learning to be a great quarter back. It takes years of practice to learn the fundamentals, master basic plays and create variation of those plays. Eventually you learn to call audibles, read the play as it unfolds and know your players well enough to anticipate their next move without even thinking about it.


In order to have great sex, you need to start by learning the fundamentals. Stop making sex about getting a touch-down, but make it about connecting to your wife and getting to know her. You need to be present and eager to learn more. You need to stop rubbing her and feel her. Use your words to engage and arouse her by playfully talking about past connections or future possibilities. Redefine sex to include what works for her, vs what works for men.



While most men make it to marriage expecting that “Sex is going to be the best thing ever”, most women have different expectations. We are bombarded with lies that set up barriers to enjoying sex in marriage. In order for a husband to empathize and encourage his wife to live in God’s fullness, it is helpful to understand the lies but also to realize that his actions can either enforce the lie or counteract them. Understand the lies your wife battles so that you can help her embrace the truth about sex.

Below are a list of the most common lies that women believe about sex. Will you help her battle them?

(A continuation of what I share in my men’s class, “What in the world is she thinking?”)


THE SWITCH – How to Turn On Your Wife’s Desire

Women have this giant toggle switch and if it is turned “OFF” you will get absolutely nowhere. You might touch her exactly the right way, or say the perfect things, but her body does not respond. She acts like ice. Sometimes the switch will turn to “OFF” when she feels insecure about whether you really love her. She may test you to see if you will give up on her. If you pass the test the switch can flip to the “ON” position, and in an instant she can open up. So what does a woman need to feel to have her switch turned “ON”? (more…)


Having an orgasm is like jumping off of a cliff – sometimes you need to step back, take a deep breath, and take a running start at it.

Most summers, over the 4th of July, you will find my family relaxing at our church camp, Covenant Pines. One of my favorite activities is the huge rope swing. You jump off a platform and swing over the water to  drop into refreshment.

rope swing

I love the feel of swinging through the air and then letting go to plunge in, but jumping off the platform is hard. I am afraid of heights and if I think about it too much, I could easily turn around. Sometimes people get stuck right at the edge, clutching the rope and thinking about all the things that could go wrong. They try to will themselves to go, but their bodies won’t move. At this point, it is time for a different strategy.

Sometimes you need to take a few steps back from the edge, relax from holding onto the rope so tight, take a deep breath, and then take a running start at it.

One, Two , Three – Go!!!

With the conviction of “I am going to do this”, and feet running forward, their body launches into one of the funnest experiences of the summer.

Sometimes, when we get stuck at the edge of an orgasm, we need to take a step back, take a deep breath, and take a running start at it.