Understanding our Differences

I have to be honest, sex has been hard lately. My body is aging, my attitude is lousy, and I am beginning to get back into old habits of focusing too much on the finish line. Trust me, I know all the right answers. I have been teaching them to women for over 4 years.  But no matter how much I know, some days are just tough. In fact, lately I found myself questioning whether I was a total fraud teaching and writing about sex – somehow implying that if you understand and put into practice what I teach, everything will magically fall into place. Honestly, some days I just wish sex was as easy for me as it is for my husband.

Let me share a few thoughts

So women won’t feel quite so alone, and

Men will have a peek at the battle their wife faces.

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Why can’t I let him lead?

Can I let you in on a secret?

 

“I have a much easier time enjoying sex when I am leading”….

There, I said it. The cat is out of the bag.

“I LIKE TO LEAD”

“I like to decide when we are going to have sex and how we are going to have it.”

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RUDE AWAKENING – Intercourse

The other day a woman shared what a rude awakening sex had been for her. She had waited to have intercourse until her wedding night. As a virgin, she expected she might experience pain the first time. She also new that it would take time to learn new things and transition to enjoying sex. But she believed eventually becoming one with her husband would feel magical, full of pleasure and delight.

Instead she said, “When we had intercourse, my husband might as well have been rubbing his knee against my elbow.” For her, there was no pleasure, no tingling, no fireworks and she thought, “So I get to do this for the rest of my life?”

Disappointment

I don’t think this woman’s experience is all that unusual. I have heard from others about the excitement of finally having intercourse and ending up wondering, “What’s the big deal?” You can feel like you have been tricked. You work so hard to stay pure. You just assume the prize will be worth the wait – and then nothing – absolutely nothing but disappointment. How can something so enjoyable for our husband feel like nothing to us?

The Truth

I don’t know why God did not create intercourse to produce fireworks for all women. I do know that he created women to have mind blowing pleasure with their husband. That might happen before intercourse, during intercourse, or after intercourse. Women are supposed to experience orgasm. That is why God gave us a clitoris.  The sole function of the clitoris is to create pleasure.

The real questions are-

  • How come so many men and women do not understand how the female body works?
  • Why doesn’t sex education include conversations about the clitoris and how to make sex enjoyable for the wife?
  • How can we prepare newlyweds to enter into a great sex life that will be enjoyed by both husband and wife?
  • What is so scary about talking about the clitoris?

I have to be honest,  I am as guilty as anyone else. I am not sure I have ever talked to my daughters about the clitoris and the pleasure that it holds. Yet boys are intimately aware of the pleasure that their penis is capable of. Does educating our daughters about what a wonderful body God gave them somehow give them permission to become sexually active before marriage? Shouldn’t our daughters know and understand their own body?

So, I am going to watch for opportunities to talk to my daughters about their clitoris – because they ought to know.

Ruth Buezis

INTIMACY – IT IS NOT ORDINARY

This week while at the doctor I was lamenting about how much I hated getting old and having reader glasses hanging on the tip of my nose in order to teach classes.  She innocently asked what I teach, and I squirmed a little bit and then thought, why not?

Sex classes to wives at church.”

She replied as she listened to the thump, thump of my heart, “That’s a good thing. Women can probably use all the help they can get.”

Then she said, ” Do  you teach men’s classes?”

I was just about to answer that, ” actually I do and they are awesome…”

When she caught me by surprise and acridly laid out, “Cause men need to learn that our libido changes, especially after a certain age..”

This woman wanted her husband told that she didn’t need to have sex anymore because her body was not physically screaming for it. She could not have been older than 35 or 40 – tops. For many women, this is when we are just starting to relax and really enjoy things, but she was ready to be done.

I sensed the conversation was over, but I have been thinking about it all week.

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THE LIES YOUR WIFE BATTLES

While most men make it to marriage expecting that “Sex is going to be the best thing ever”, most women have different expectations. We are bombarded with lies that set up barriers to enjoying sex in marriage. In order for a husband to empathize and encourage his wife to live in God’s fullness, it is helpful to understand the lies but also to realize that his actions can either enforce the lie or counteract them. Understand the lies your wife battles so that you can help her embrace the truth about sex.

Below are a list of the most common lies that women believe about sex. Will you help her battle them?

(A continuation of what I share in my men’s class, “What in the world is she thinking?”)

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PART OF THE SOLUTION – Battling Pornography

God has continued to prompt me to do something – anything – about pornography. What this next generation – my daughters generation – faces is like nothing we have ever seen before. The advent of smart phones and the endless supply of twisted material available to younger and younger kids can warp a child’s sense of sex and intimacy before they are even old enough to date. Wives are left feeling betrayed, and unable to measure up.  Husband struggle to regain control over their lives. Some wives give up and decide to join in.  They look to porn to add excitement to their sex life rather than intimately reveal their own desires.

So I keep knocking on the door of my pastors.

What are we going to do?

Do you realize how big this problem is and how big it is going to be?

How can we extend grace and mercy to those in bondage?

How can we support the wives that feel completely alone?

Porn impacts all of us. It affects our daughters, our sons, our grandchildren and our friends. Porn changes the fabric of our society and how we view this awesome gift of sex. It changes how men view and treat women. Porn will not just go away and no one else will fix it. We must all be part of the solution….

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RUNNING START

Having an orgasm is like jumping off of a cliff – sometimes you need to step back, take a deep breath, and take a running start at it.

Most summers, over the 4th of July, you will find my family relaxing at our church camp, Covenant Pines. One of my favorite activities is the huge rope swing. You jump off a platform and swing over the water to  drop into refreshment.

rope swing

I love the feel of swinging through the air and then letting go to plunge in, but jumping off the platform is hard. I am afraid of heights and if I think about it too much, I could easily turn around. Sometimes people get stuck right at the edge, clutching the rope and thinking about all the things that could go wrong. They try to will themselves to go, but their bodies won’t move. At this point, it is time for a different strategy.

Sometimes you need to take a few steps back from the edge, relax from holding onto the rope so tight, take a deep breath, and then take a running start at it.

One, Two , Three – Go!!!

With the conviction of “I am going to do this”, and feet running forward, their body launches into one of the funnest experiences of the summer.

Sometimes, when we get stuck at the edge of an orgasm, we need to take a step back, take a deep breath, and take a running start at it.

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Disappointment

It was another one of “those times” – when I wasn’t interested in a plan B – but instead found my disappointment pouring out like a raging river of sobs. Failing to orgasm during intercourse, I curled into a ball and all” those” reasons started pouring through my head.

If I would just relax more….

If I wasn’t so controlling….

If I wasn’t so focused on orgasm….

If I could just surrender….

As if deep down, I believed Freud’s theory that the only mature orgasm was a vaginal orgasm. Maybe I did have deep psychological hang ups that kept me from experiencing the pleasure of intercourse with my husband.

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CRAVE your husband

My husband and I have always had a good marriage, and once we got things figured out, our sex life was good – but it is completely different now!

We used to have sex when my hormones surged, or I was feeling guilty because it had been too long. For me, the hormone surges occurred around ovulation and right before my period. I decided whether the gate was open, and my patient husband waited for the signal.

I often hear that for men sex is physical, but I look back and realize that sex was completely physical for me. I let my hormones determine when I wanted to have sex.

My sex life has changed drastically since I have a new understanding of God’s design. I CRAVE my husband and the connection between us. I miss him and actually get grumpy when sex is not happening.

It’s kind of like running. When I first started running, it was painful, it was drudgery, and it was the last thing that I wanted to do. After running on a regular basis for several months, it gradually got easier and it became something I looked forward to. I missed it when I couldn’t run.

But if you only train once a week, running will never get any easier, and it will never become something you crave. It will only be drudgery.

The longer women go without sex, the more we could care less and the less responsive we will be. The more sex we have, the more we will desire it and the more responsive we will become. This is a well-known fact that most women agree with.

So if we desire for our sex life to become more than our hormones driving us, what do we do?

First, we have to get our head on straight. We need to realize that God created sex for us as much as our husbands. Even though we may never have a hormonal drive like our husbands, sex is important for us. Think about how connected you feel to your husband after great sex.

Second, we need to make sure that we are having great sex. We must be present, getting to know each other, communicating our needs and enjoying things that work for us as well as our husbands.

Third, we need to have sex often enough that we miss it when it is not happening. I will not give you a magic number, but you must recognize after a certain amount of tiime, you desire your husband less, and at some point you desire him more. Wouldn’t it be an awesome thing to get where you miss him? Could you actually get to the point where you CRAVE your husband?

 

Welcome Home Sex

welcome-homeI just got home from a High School Adventure Trip to the mountains in Canada that was an incredible week of hiking, climbing, caving and enjoying God’s creation. It was also 10 days away from my husband, my kids and my bed and I was dead tired, but one of the things I looked forward to most was reconnecting with my husband in a very physical way, if you know what I mean.

I haven’t always been so good at “welcome home sex”. I remember times when my husband would travel for work, and in order to survive, I would just emotionally shut down. By the time he got home, I had everything in order, but I had also put up a wall towards him. I didn’t welcome him home with open arms or an appetite for him. I made him pay his dues and ever so slowly allowed myself to open back up. I look back at those times and think, how much nicer it would have been if I could have just leaped into his arms and wrapped myself around him.

So how do we make “welcome home sex” what it is supposed to be?

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