RUDE AWAKENING – Intercourse

The other day a woman shared what a rude awakening sex had been for her. She had waited to have intercourse until her wedding night. As a virgin, she expected she might experience pain the first time. She also new that it would take time to learn new things and transition to enjoying sex. But she believed eventually becoming one with her husband would feel magical, full of pleasure and delight.

Instead she said, “When we had intercourse, my husband might as well have been rubbing his knee against my elbow.” For her, there was no pleasure, no tingling, no fireworks and she thought, “So I get to do this for the rest of my life?”

Disappointment

I don’t think this woman’s experience is all that unusual. I have heard from others about the excitement of finally having intercourse and ending up wondering, “What’s the big deal?” You can feel like you have been tricked. You work so hard to stay pure. You just assume the prize will be worth the wait – and then nothing – absolutely nothing but disappointment. How can something so enjoyable for our husband feel like nothing to us?

The Truth

I don’t know why God did not create intercourse to produce fireworks for all women. I do know that he created women to have mind blowing pleasure with their husband. That might happen before intercourse, during intercourse, or after intercourse. Women are supposed to experience orgasm. That is why God gave us a clitoris.  The sole function of the clitoris is to create pleasure.

The real questions are-

  • How come so many men and women do not understand how the female body works?
  • Why doesn’t sex education include conversations about the clitoris and how to make sex enjoyable for the wife?
  • How can we prepare newlyweds to enter into a great sex life that will be enjoyed by both husband and wife?
  • What is so scary about talking about the clitoris?

I have to be honest,  I am as guilty as anyone else. I am not sure I have ever talked to my daughters about the clitoris and the pleasure that it holds. Yet boys are intimately aware of the pleasure that their penis is capable of. Does educating our daughters about what a wonderful body God gave them somehow give them permission to become sexually active before marriage? Shouldn’t our daughters know and understand their own body?

So, I am going to watch for opportunities to talk to my daughters about their clitoris – because they ought to know.

Ruth Buezis

GREAT EXPECTATIONS – The Importance of Our Mind During Intercourse

The last 8 weeks we’ve been talking about How to have an orgasm during intercourse, and much of that time we’ve been talking about very physical aspects of sex.

Week 1 – the realities of orgasm during intercourse and ground rules

Week 2 – the importance of kegels for both him and her

Week 3 – the importance of talking about sex and how to do it

Week 4 – how to train our bodies to become more flexible in their responsiveness

Week 5 – the 3 main pathways for women to experience orgasm during intercourse

Week 6 – what our husbands can do to help in this journey

Week 7 – harnessing the power of the mind

Week 8 – the most successful positions and movements to have an orgasm during intercourse

It is important not to get lost in the technique and miss out on connecting with our spouse. If we are so focused on what the next move will be, or worrying about whether something is working, than are we really there? Are we really connecting?

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POSITIONS AND MOVEMENT FOR ORGASM DURING INTERCOURSE

If I discovered a magic position that all women would experience an orgasm during intercourse, then I would be a millionaire. I wish it were that simple. No magic position exists, but as we get to know ourselves and each other, we can learn to move in ways that target pleasure spots.

There are really only a handful of different positions but modifying them in small ways can make a huge difference in how they stimulate our bodies. Recognizing which pathway we are trying to stimulate – clitoral, G-spot, or Deep spot – will help us capitalize on the kind of movement that works best. Let’s approach this according to which pathway we are targeting. For the purpose of keying into what feels good, I would suggest that you limit other stimulation for the time being.

Although this article could be helpful for anyone, it is part of a series “How to have  an orgasm during intercourse”. If you are working towards that goal, please make sure that you read my previous articles The Big Question, His and Her KegelsTalk about What?Flexibility TrainingDifferent Pathways,  The Man Factor, and Mind over Matter

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MIND OVER MATTER

mind over matter 2

One of the things that made the biggest difference in my ability to enjoy intercourse was my mind. Women hear that the mind is our biggest sex organ and most of us agree. How many of us put that reality to use, and transform our sexual experiences by engaging our mind?

It is not uncommon to hear young brides express their confusion when the one thing that they have so carefully guarded, intercourse, does absolutely nothing for them. Some have masturbated and know the pleasure of orgasm and expect that intercourse will be the most magical experience. Instead they are left feeling confused and disillusioned.

I remember my young husband asking after intercourse, “Did you feel anything?”, and thinking to myself, “Not really”. It’s not that intercourse felt painful, it just literally did not feel like anything. Eventually I believed this was just how it was going to be. We practiced the “she comes first” mantra and for years it worked for us.

So what changed?

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How to Help Your Wife Orgasm During Intercourse

tango-dance-2

It takes two to tango – and it takes two to work towards having an orgasm during intercourse. My husband was a huge part of my learning to have an orgasm during intercourse. He gave me permission and encouraged me to take control of the movement so that I could figure out what felt good. His increased control of ejaculation allowed me plenty of time to experiment. He learned my orgasm triggers so that he could use them at just the right time. Most importantly, he made sure that I was never left hanging after intercourse so that every experience was positive. A sensitive, caring husband can make intercourse enjoyable whether their wife orgasms or not.

Although this article could be helpful for anyone, it  is part of a series “How to have an orgasm during intercourse”. If you are working towards that goal, please make sure that you read my previous articles The Big Question, His and Her Kegels ,Talk about What?,Flexibility Training,and Different Pathways

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DIFFERENT PATHWAYS

One of my favorite secular sex books is “Orgasms: how to have them, give them and keep them coming”by Lou Paget. I love her books because she does not try to define what women experience by scientifically studying them. Instead, she writes what thousands of women have shared about their sexual experiences.  In her book she states woman have experienced at least 10 different pathways to orgasm. Pretty remarkable if you ask me.

Please don’t think that I am pressuring women to once again perform. I simply want to encourage women to enjoy their experiences while remaining open to new possibilities. God gave us amazing bodies with unlimited potential for enjoyment.

It is important to understand the 3 main pathways of stimulation that women take to experience an orgasm during intercourse – clitoral, G-spot and deep spot. Understanding these pathways will help you recognize positions that may provide the kind of stimulation leading to orgasm during intercourse. Recognizing how the different orgasms feel as they approach will help you cue into the pleasure and go after it.  What I write is based on my own experiences, the experiences of women that have shared during class, and lots of reading.

Although this article could be helpful for anyone, it  is part of a series “How to have an orgasm during intercourse”. If you are working towards that goal, please make sure that you read my previous articles The Big Question, His and Her Kegels ,Talk about What? and Flexibility Training

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Talk about SEX?

CFC-talking-about-online-part3I don’t think great sex just happens. Real life is not like the movies where the guy confidently takes you in his arms, you melt at his touch as desire inflames your body, and intercourse simultaneously takes both of you to the moon and back.

Great sex happens because you are brave enough to talk about your needs and desires, and courageous enough to hear and honor your spouse’s needs and desires.

In order to work towards having an orgasm during intercourse, you must talk about sex. You must talk about where you are at, what you would like to try, let him know how he can help, and come up with a plan B.

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His and Her Kegels

If you want to experience an orgasm during intercourse, there is no better place to start than for both you and your husband to become more aware of your own bodies, and to have more control over them. So today I will outline for both of you the reasons to do kegels, how to do them, and to how make it a part of your day.

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The Big Question – How Do I Have an Orgasm During Intercourse

big-questionIt is the question women most often ask about sex,

“How do I have an orgasm during intercourse?”

I have to be honest, when I got married 25 years ago and had questions about sex I bought a secular book, “For Yourself” by Lonnie Barbach. Typical of most secular books, it clearly communicated that the chances of women having an orgasm during intercourse were pretty slim, so just concentrate on what did work, and enjoy it.

So that’s what we did. We basically subscribed to the “she comes first” mantra, then afterward my husband would enjoy finishing inside of me.

But the last few years I have read a ton of books on sex, both secular and Christian, and there is a huge divide in what they teach. Even though the Christian books may teach manual techniques for a woman to figure out how to have an orgasm, they all progress to how to have an orgasm during intercourse. Whether it is the perfectly timed transition from foreplay to intercourse, or the strategic tilt of her hips, it can make you feel like everything should just fall into place if you follow the magic formula. It seems like there ought to be a middle ground.

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What Are You Willing To Try?

1387693-Choices

 

I’ve been studying the anonymous surveys from the women that attended my advanced class “How to have an orgasm during intercourse”. In the survey I asked 2 simple questions…

How often do you orgasm during intercourse?

  1. Most times
  2. Some times
  3. Never

I orgasm during intercourse (check all that apply)

  1. Hands free
  2. With the help of His hands
  3. With the help of my hands
  4. With the help of a vibrator
  5. Other
  6. Never

Although my survey only included about 24 women I think some things can be gleaned from the answers. Not surprisingly the majority of the women were in the category of “Some times”, with a handful each in the “Most times” and the “Never” categories.

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