10 Ways to Prepare Before You Confess Porn

I have never had to hear my husband confess a porn habit, but I have sat with plenty of wives who did. Though I am encouraged by the ministries pouring into men to help them gain freedom, I wish they did more to prepare husbands for the moment of disclosure with their wife. What advice could help a husband so he could support his wife as she begins her journey into healing?

If a husband was ready to take the next big step of repentance and disclosure with his wife, I would say?


Do We Want to Know, Even About Pornography?

I had just finished talking about pornography in class when I thought to pause and simply ask, “Does anyone have something to add?” Some of the best teaching in class comes from other women sharing their own experiences.

Just as I was ready to move on, Emily quietly filled the silence.

“We went through this…”


Helping Your Husband Battle Pornography

I am going to be perfectly frank with you, my husband has never struggled with pornography and I have never experienced the pain of betrayal. But because I teach Awaken-Love, I have walked beside a lot of women that have. It breaks my heart to see the pain that pornography causes for these women, but it also breaks my heart to see how pornography has impacted their husband.

God keeps calling me to speak into this arena, I don’t know why.  Maybe it is because I haven’t been personally impacted and so I have a different perspective.  Is it possible that what might be most helpful for a wife to do to help her husband battle pornography is the exact opposite of what every fiber in her body is telling her to do? Read more about How to Create a Safe Place for Your Husband to Share about Porn.


Create a safe place for your husband to share about Porn

I know this is a crazy idea, but in marriage I think we are supposed to battle pornography together.What we have been doing does not work – men shuffling off to their secret accountability group. Pornography impacts the marriage, whether both spouses know about it or not. When we get married, we vow, “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.” If my husband is battling something, then I want to battle with him. I want to hold him up, encourage him, speak truth to him, and be there even when he slides backward. The idea that a husband protects his wife by not telling her the truth is a lie. A strong husband has the courage to share everything with his wife – even his brokenness – and he has the courage to help both of them go after their own healing and wholeness.

The couples that I know making real progress battling pornography are battling side by side.



Sometimes the burden feels so heavy because there is so much brokeness and so little truth about sex- and then I remember that God does the heavy lifting. 

Matthew 7:7 – Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. 

And so I am asking you to join me in prayer for 4 specific things.

Pray for God to raise up women warriors to speak the truth about sexuality…Whether sharing with a friend, facilitating an Awaken-Love class, or starting their own ministry, I am asking that God would light a fire of urgency in sharing God’s truth about sex.

Pray for church leaders to wake up to the need for wholeness in sexuality… Pray for pastors to be equipped with good resources. Pray for open doors to share about Awaken-Love and the impact it has made in marriages. Pray for opportunities for you to share what you have learned on your own journey.

Pray for Godly men to rise up to lead…I believe that an important part of turning the tide about sexuality is men rising up to become protectors of women. Men taking a stance against sexualizing girls to sell products, men showing other men how to live without lusting,  men speaking about the dangers of pornography, and husbands learning to articulate the truth about sex in loving ways to their wife.

Pray for everyone involved in pornography…From kids, men and women that daily battle to stay pure, to actors whose past wounds led them to involvement, to the film crews, stage hands and set designers that make a living somehow numb to what they are creating, to the producers caught in a money trap. Pray that God would wake them up to what they are doing and that He would show them what is good and true and pure, and that God would provide a way out.

Fervently ASK God to do the impossible

and when He does

give Him all the Glory. 

Good Pictures Bad Pictures -Talking Kids About Pornography

In every single class I teach, there are at least a few women who are painfully aware of the importance of talking to their kids about pornography. They are women married to great guys that love the lord – men you know from small group, who volunteer in Sunday school, help lead worship or coach your kid’s baseball team – and that were impacted by porn. These men anticipated their wedding night as a fresh start of fulfilling every longing– but life wasn’t so simple. These men grew up when porn exploded on the internet before society had any idea what impact it would have. Back then, nobody knew the power of instant variety at the click of a mouse.

These men were raised like their parents were raised.

With messages of –

  • Don’t ask about sex.
  • A forced awkward talk about how babies are made
  • Boys will be boys so just ignore it.
  • Girls surely won’t enjoy it.

And young boys and girls fell into a world of screens that enticed and pulled them deeper and deeper into silence. Nobody knew it was going on – or they just thought it would pass – like previous generations of kids sneaking a look at a magazine. But this was no magazine and it wasn’t a worn-out copy of a VHS tape, this was the world of internet porn. A world where every click promised satisfaction but left you feeling hungrier then you started.



I probably know too much…

I hear the pain of a bride that saved herself until marriage, met the man of her dreams, fell in love, and fully gave herself  to him. I hear the pain of finding out her young husband isn’t all that interested in sex because years ago he had been seduced by the images in pornography. He would rather spend time with a screen than learn how to love his wife.

I hear the pain of a young mom once again answering to the effects of sexual abuse at the hands of her uncle. She thought she had dealt with it, but the pain in her voice and tears on her face say something else. Now with young children, the burden of protecting them rips open her wound in a new place.

I hear the cries of a generation growing up where living together before marriage is the answer to growing up in a broken home. Marriage is reserved as a capstone after experiencing as much of life as you can before settling down to the boring regimen of marriage to raise a family.

I hear the regret of the girl that succumbed to the power of turning a man’s head by using her body to feel loved, desired and needed. Struggling to find freedom with the man that God has now bound her to in marriage, she repents and asks God to erase the memories and make her new.

I hear the pain of growing up in a generation where watching porn as a couple is normal. Instead of making sex better by increasing intimacy, you make sex better by adding some new thrill or even person.

I hear the pain of living in a world where even pictures from phones can be photo shopped to remove your wrinkles and blemishes. No longer are you just comparing yourself to the stars in the magazines, but to your friends posting on Facebook.


9 Things I’d say about sex if I had no filter

sex sign
I am joining the bandwagon of Christian Sex Bloggers  with  9 Things I would say about sex if I had no filter. Kudos to Julie Sibert at Intimacy in Marriage for getting us started.

1. We are in a battle to save marriage – rather than pointing our fingers at others we ought to be looking at ourselves. Does our marriage look different because we are enjoying the intimacy and freedom that God intended for us? Do our kids look at our marriage and think to themselves, “that is what I want.” Great sex is part of a great marriage.